when will this go away?

[irene63]

I was in a relationship with a spath/narcissist for 14 years….14 years how sad that I allowed this for that long. I am a nurse and I think my, I can help you be better, philosophy kept me there. There was so many ups and downs. One week I would be the center of his world the next well who knew he might call or might not and if I called it was like I was an inconvenience. I kept having this nagging feeling that something was off since about June but I chalked it up to the stress of COVID. Well fast forward to mid August and finally I was like, I have this feeling you are seeing someone else and guess what there was total silence. Finally he said well I have been talking to someone for 2 weeks but just talking. I told him to have a good life and that I hoped he didnt damage her like he has done everyone else in his. life. His reponse well I love you and I want to continue to talk to you. Well I bet you do buddy. I said goodbye and immediately blocked his number and stopped following him on facebook. The next day the pain started in my heart thats the only way I can describe it. I would call him if I was upset or needed help working through a problem. We did have a physical relationship but he lives in another county so not a lot. We both have demanding jobs and stay busy. Anyway I know it was the right thing but I cant get him off my mind. About 3 weeks from the time I broke it off I started looking on FB and guess what there were pictures of him and his new honey from early June on her page. He had started to “like” her post back in March. It made me physcially ill again. I didnt want to believe that people could truly be evil but now I do. I look for the good and I guess Im to trusting. I just want this pain to go away forever and to stop thinking about him. Everyday almost I have one of those ah ha moments where I put things together that he did or said. I have read the book Psychopath Free and again it made so much sense and explained so much. I hate myself for allowing this to be a part of my life for so long but at the same time I just want to hear his voice again. I wont contact him or look at FB anymore. I only have looked that one time since mid August. I just want to delete those memories and never think about him or what we shared. Or what I thought we shared…. guess it was just me. So sad to think that a Peter Pan man can be anything else. I have two grown successful children and two grandchildren. His 25 year old son lives in his basement and plays video games all day….He said he has no money but makes twice as much as me and he lives in a house worth 1/4 of what mine is…. I think theres a lot to be said about that. He is nice looking and charismatic but he uses it to get what he wants without regards to how he hurts others with his lies and manipulation. Just make the pain and memories go away. I truly understand Trauma bonding now and it sucks.

[Donna Andersen]

irene63 – I am so sorry for your experience. You are right – trauma bonding is awful. But it is also the reason why you stayed in the relationship for so long. So please be good to yourself and do not be hard on yourself. Although you know what he is now, you didn’t know before.

Stay with No Contact. Yes, it is painful at first, but the longer you stick with it, the more his grip on you will dissipate. It will take time to recover, but you can make the process go faster if you make up your mind to focus on your recovery. We have lots of information about this on Lovefraud — start here:

Recovery from the sociopath

[sept4]

Hi Irene, good for you that you broke up and can leave this bad experience behind you!

Yes trauma bonding can be very intense and addictive. But it goes away with time as long as you maintain complete NC. Including not looking him up online! Complete NC is the only way to heal and to eventually dissolve the trauma bond.

Your “helper” personality is wonderful for your nursing profession but it’s not a good approach to relationships. A healthy relationship is with a healthy stable adult who can take care of himself and who does not need help. He should be your equal, not in need something from you.

So maybe look into some self reflection or counseling to focus on how your helper personality can steer you wrong in relationships. Helping is for your patients, not your partner!

Of course you can do nice things for each other but as to the major things in life they should be stable and self sufficient, and any helping should go both ways. Helping as a one way street is wonderful for nursing, but not as a romantic relationship.

[irene63]

Donna, thank you so much for this site it is helping tremendously. I have read and watched videos and I keep repeating some of the things that resonated with me in my head from my research. Thank you for your encouragement. Sept4, thank you for your encouragement and I m determined to get past this but sometimes the “weight” of it all just seems so heavy. It does get better and as Donna has said one day at a time.

[sept4]

Irene yes it does get better! A breakup with a disordered person is very painful due to trauma bonding, but eventually you will see it as a blessing!

You got away from a disordered person. And after you heal you will be free to live a healthy happy life and seek a new relationship with a healthy happy honest person.

No more lies, no more cheating, no more manipulation, no more emotional abuse. You are free and are setting your first steps to a new life of health and happiness.

[shiningstar]

Dear Irene

I know this probably won’t help but please know that you are not the only intelligent kind loving caring person this has been done to. But that is the reason it was done to you because you are a loving kind caring person. I remember the day I discovered that evil really was real and came packaged in a very enticing package, It took me such a long time to process it. Just please know he will never change and you must maintain no contact because he’ll try to reel you in tell you how much he misses you and how it’s changed but trust me it’s all act. I’ve been there where my heart was breaking into 1 million pieces and I thought how am I going to make it through the day. But what I can tell you now is that it does get easier and easier.

[sept4]

Yes shiningstar “evil in an enticing package” is a perfect way to put it!

And of course they have to hide their evil behind a beautiful charming front because if they showed their ugly true self from the start nobody would fall for their lies.

Healing from Mr Handsome Liar is very difficult but it can be done! And you will be wiser and will have grown as a person from overcoming this.

[anna11]

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[irene63]

I want to thank everyone for the support. It has greatly helped. I feel so much stronger now than when I originally posted. I did think about things several times in an hour now a few hours at a time will go by and he hasnt even crossed my mind. I know that someday I will be like, muah whatever. Shiningstar star you are so correct that evil does look enticing. I was raised to believe that there is good in everyone but sadly I have come to see that is not correct. There are real predators out there looking for victims. Sept4 I love the description of Mr Handsome Liar. It made me laugh out loud.

I have read two of Donna’s books and found some other web sites that have helped me find some ahhh ha moments. There are a lot of things that make more sense now than ever before. There is a country song named “Next Girl” and when I heard it I was like yep that is what is happening to his next victim. Im so glad that Im not entangled with this evil person any more!

The other day a memory came across my mind and I suddenly just felt so sad. Not sad that he wasnt in my life but sad that what at one time I thought was a relationship was really just not real. I guess as Donna has said the dream of a happy tomorrow was not real. The picture he lead me to believe was just his lies to keep me hooked for his supply. I usually am not a person that gets angry very often but sometimes I get so angry at the lies and deception that he put me through. I know this may sound weird but, I throw cotton balls at the wall and scream at it as if he is standing there and Im telling him what a low life he really is. Shallow, hollow, self centered, arrogant, cheating jerk. Then I usually cry a few minutes and I feel so much better.

I am trying to see why this happened in my life. I guess really what purpose it has served. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that God is in control. I am searching to figure out what it is that has made me vulnerable to this evil so that I can overcome it.

I have a best girlfriend who is a great listener and has help me so much. I listen to praise music a lot and I find comfort from it.

I feel very blessed that things did not get out of control more than they did. I did not loose any money. I did not loose any material things. My physical health is intact. I didnt get an STD….. and I have a family that unconditionally loves me. I know the future is brighter with out that predator in my life. Im a very very lucky girl!

Thanks everyone.

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