How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › Why did psychpath give up on me so quickly?
November 9, 2018 at 5:30 pm #47496
I’m new here, only just learned about psychopathy in the last few days as I try to recover from a toxic encounter with a true psychopath. I know I’ve been very lucky in that he got bored of me after only two weeks and has disappeared (I think for good). I am still trying to resist the urge to get in touch with him.
I only knew him for a month and was only in a “relationship” with him for two weeks, so I know it’s not major. But he has mucked about with my head even in that short space of time. Promised me the world, whilst lying about everything and delivering nothing. He must have somebody else on the go, as he disappears for 3 days at a time each week, which is luckily what alerted me to the fact that he wasn’t what he seemed.
Why did he discard me so quickly? Obviously he has someone else on the go, the main attraction, and I was presumably just a side show. Was he just bored? Was I too boring? Had I been too easy, a walkover? He hadn’t got anything out of me, sex or money, so why did he give up on me?
Money: he made comments about being underpaid at work and his computer breaking down and needing a new one, but he never asked for money, nor did I offer it. Was I meant to jump in and offer money as soon as he said he was hard up?
Sex: he could have had sex if he had continued; we had only made out but I certainly wasn’t saying no to sex. If anything, I was keener than him. Is that why he drew back, to punish me by withholding sex?
Or could he have known that I was starting to see through him and decided to give up while the going was good?
I feel insulted that he gave up on me so quickly, which is ridiculous. I know that I’ve had a very lucky escape, but he’s still managed to muck my head and emotions up even in that short space of time.
I’ve never had much luck with relationships and it was my first in a long time, and undoubtedly my worst experience so far. I suppose my lack of success has always been down to low self-esteem but I can’t believe I’ve been so victimised again. I can’t bear that he saw me as vulnerable and weak, and exploited me so easily. How do I stop this turning me bitter and frightening me off from ever trying a relationship again?
November 9, 2018 at 7:21 pm #47503
Dorabella – Welcome to Lovefraud. First of all, yes, count your lucky stars that you got rid of him so quickly. I know it still hurts, but you are correct – you are better off.
Psychopaths always have an agenda. They get involved with you because they want something from you. I believe you are right — he is also working on another target – they usually have multiple targets going at once. Probably someone else has more of whatever it is that he is looking for at the moment. Some other woman is a juicier target. Don’t feel jealous – feel sorry for her. Anyone who becomes involved with a psychopath will suffer.
For you, consider this a warning sign that you have some internal issues that need to be addressed. The best thing you can do is work on your emotional healing. Psychopaths figure out our vulnerabilities and then use them against us. We’re all human, we all have vulnerabilities. The key is to know what they are so you can recognize when someone is trying to target you.
We have lots of resources here on Lovefraud. You may want to check out our webinars. Also, my “Red Flags of Lovefraud Workbook” helps you identify your vulnerabilities. It’s a skinny and inexpensive book with questions and checklists that will help you analyze how you got hooked.
November 9, 2018 at 11:54 pm #47504
It is the highest compliment, not an insult, that he stopped trying to exploit you and left the ‘relationship.’
It is likely that the fact you did not fall for his tactic of whining about being underpaid and offer him money, and that you probably were stating to see through him, were reasons he moved on to exploit someone else.
Spaths don’t bond with anyone, and move on whenever they are not getting what they want. You can be pleased that you are not an easy target for victimization.
Spaths tend to check in with a past victim/potential future victim from time to time to see if there is anything they want, so consider being prepared for him to contact you at some random time.
When you’re ready to date again, you might consider keeping the pace of any new relationship fairly slow, to give yourself time to get to know a potential partner well enough to evaluate whether he’s emotionally healthy and is considerate of your well being.
November 10, 2018 at 9:05 am #47509
Thank you very much ladies. That does make me feel better about it all.
I have realised I am much freer in giving away my heart than I am in giving away my money! Perhaps he had worked that out quicker than I did. There were several stories about being short of money after only a week of being in our “relationship” – do some women offer money as quickly as that? But he was also spending money like water in the short time I knew him, bought $1000 of technology (if it was true) so possibly his other target was subsidising those expenses. Or he could just have been running up debt, who knows.
Still confused as to why he didn’t take sex from me when he could. Does it not matter to some of them? Are some only interested in getting money from you or just using you for their “entertainment”, to see how much they can hurt you and disrupt your life? I wondered if I was just entertainment for him and he’d just got bored of me.
Thank you Annette. I did wonder if he might return at some point because as far as he knew I hadn’t rumbled him. I was sending increasingly loving and needy messages by the end (made up, once I’d sussed him) but perhaps he saw through those and knew he was rumbled. He disappeared with one last message that he was depressed and “needed space to get his head sorted out”. So he perhaps might return once his “depression” has improved.
I do have low self-esteem. Are there any resources you can recommend to work on that too Donna?
November 10, 2018 at 9:08 am #47510
Another question, if you don’t mind: He works as a carer and that is how he met me, as I am a carer for my mother. He abused his position of trust by starting a relationship with me, although I admit I was perfectly willing. Now I feel it is my duty to report him to his employer, not for my own case, but because I truly worry about how he may be exploiting other vulnerable sick and elderly people in their own homes. I know you can’t hurt a psycho’s feelings but attacking him at his job may well hurt him, as he seems to enjoy his job (says he does, unless that’s another lie), and it must give him some validation and presumably the chance to exert power over vulnerable people.
However, all I’ve read so far tells me that I shouldn’t do so, that I should walk away and keep walking, because of angering him if he found out and causing him to retaliate. I have no idea of how vindictive or violent he may be. Should I report him to his work or not?
November 11, 2018 at 2:53 am #47516
Hi Dorabella,so sorry that you got tangled up with an evil psychopath.
Why did he discard me so quickly?
Do you know for a fact he discarded you for good? Psychopaths will set up many targets, so that any time the feel like it, in the future, they can contact their past target and use them even if it’s just for fun. They will either give a sob story or a plausible story as why they “disappeared” or they might even shift the blame to you to manipulate you into taking them back. Remember they are masterful manipulators & liars!!
This is why it is vitally important to educate yourself and slam the door on them right from the get go of learning who you were dealing with.
I am still trying to resist the urge to get in touch with him.
This is part of a psychopaths con game. They make you feel vulnerable. They make you want to contact them, even when they disappear & discard you.
But, if you contact this guy he will only mess with you mind, heart & spirit even more. If you contact him he will have you HOOKED into his con game.
It is extremely common for a psychopath to all of a sudden disappear early in the relationship. My ex did the same. Gave me a story that he had to “leave for a few weeks on business”, this after he talked me into moving in with him. I suspect now that it was all a con game to get me into his home to pay his mortgage while he all along never broke up with his ex gf (he told me he was not dating anyone). I will never know the truth about that, but my gut tells me now that I’m educated that he was conning her, me and many others at the same time.
Obviously he has someone else on the go, the main attraction, and I was presumably just a side show.
Most likely YES, maybe he has a live in gf or even is married or lots of hook ups. Or maybe a gf in another state or city. When I finally left my ex h (yes, I was an idiot and married the guy) I found out he was cheating with three women (maybe 5) in two different states! I told my counselor who was extremely educated in sociopath abuse, that I thought my ex h cheated on me at least 8 – 12 times during the marriage looking back. She told me it was more likely 3 to 4 times that amount as that is what sociopaths/psychopath do = serial cheaters!!
SO YES!! this guy has many women the side & one main supply.
It could just be that they (his main supply) were fighting & he had to quickly set up someone to move in with & then talked the main squeeze back into a relationship with him.
Sex: he could have had sex if he had continued; we had only made out but I certainly wasn’t saying no to sex. If anything, I was keener than him. Is that why he drew back, to punish me by withholding sex?
This could be for many many reasons, with holding sex for them is about power & control over you. You right now are desiring him…that is what he wants so that you will take him back when he needs a supply or
he could have a porn addition, which most of these guys do & cant get an erection without looking at porn first. My ex was this way from the beginning. I was to young & inexperienced to fully understand this and also was to uncomfortable to discuss the subject with him or anyone else.
Thank your lucky starts you did not have sex with him. You do not know how many women and men (YEP, they do not care who they have sex with!!) he has been with. I have read many many post here at love fraud and also other sites that these types set up on hook up sites & also crags list for same sex, threesomes, hookers etc. BEWARE this guy could kill you just by having sex with him STD’s.
I’ve never had much luck with relationships and it was my first in a long time, and undoubtedly my worst experience so far. I suppose my lack of success has always been down to low self-esteem
I’m sorry you suffer from “low self esteem. This is where you need to put your attention. To love yourself…once you do you will be able to find a healthy, loving, kind man to love you back. With low self esteem you will attacked a lot of frogs.
I would highly recommend that you look into Donna’s life coach here at love fraud. She just posted a article stating for a life coach session you will get her books for free. If you go to the top of LF and look under “contact” you can learn more. Keep educating yourself. Also look up at the top of LF book store and see if any of there other books listed hit a cord with you. And your library may have books on self love to help you to heal and grow.
Find interest like hobbies or sports etc that you have always want to do. Set your goals also. This helps to build up your self esteem.
Your not alone…we hear you!! Sending you hugs!! ?
ps. Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their powerful interview on listening to your gut instinct. Gavin Debunkers book is The gift of fear (your library may have this). It’s a must read book I believe for all woman.
November 13, 2018 at 5:10 pm #47545
May I add that sociopaths pick up very quickly when you are on to them.
You were on to him at least on a subconscious level, and he was conscious of that BEFORE you were conscious of his sociopathic behavior.
November 14, 2018 at 4:09 pm #47555
My style is really to unpack all of this down to the most basic element. The reason he let you go is because he decided he wanted to. It isn’t generally for any other reason. We are ALL inanimate objects to these types. They have no feelings about us, what we need, who we are. They either want to use us and get supply from us, or they don’t.
When they don’t it’s simply because it doesn’t suit them to bother with us.
It is true that we can be vulnerable to these people, for a variety of reasons. Low self esteem, preferring fantasy to reality, self-loathing, lack of life experience. You get the idea.
But the only real reason we are attractive to them is because they want something we have. If they decide we don’t have what they want, then they go away.
Then you may ask ‘what did he want’? The most basic answer is he wants an emotional reaction, without having to put out to much energy to get it. He wants to feed off of other peoples reactions.
Some of these types will hang around and and play a loooooong game to get lots of emotional reactions (which will eventually be most negative emotional reactions). Some of them cycle through their abuse cycle really fast, and move on quickly.
And all of this is basically about them, not us.
November 16, 2018 at 5:28 pm #47574
Thank you all for your replies, all very helpful and thought-provoking.
Jan7, thanks very much for all the advice. I’m 99% sure he’s gone for good, I don’t know why, but who knows. Where is the LF Book store please? I’m not finding it.
I was just an opportunistic find for him, I think; he hadn’t actively sought me out, so I know I was a side show and he must have had someone (or more than one) more important on the go. I suppose they just discard you if you’re starting to be a nuisance and interfering with their other plans. I did ask questions, although I then just shut up, rather than pointing out any inconsistencies in his stories. But perhaps he didn’t like my questioning.
That’s very interesting about the sex. He did do something that I’d not come across before but the internet tells me it’s often porn-related, so that could apply to him. Would it not be the case that all men are looking at porn online nowadays?
In an attempt to improve my confidence and because I am now fearful of him, what he could be capable of, if he ever reappeared, I have started going to self-defence classes. A good move, I hope. I wasn’t scared of him at the time but in retrospect, I am. There were a few hints of possibly sadistic behaviour and of course, I’ve now read how vindictive and violent they can be; I don’t know if that applies to him or not.
Thanks Monicapz, as my only solace, I would like to think that he knew he’d been rumbled by me, even though I hadn’t said so to him. I did know consciously what he was in the last few days but continued to play my part and was sending him (made-up) messages, full of neediness and concern for him, which I thought were what he wanted from me. But maybe he knew they were false and gave up the game? I suppose a pathological liar will be pretty good at knowing when someone else is lying? Or are they so busy lying themselves, that they don’t notice others’ lies?!
Slimone, that’s very interesting. Do they feed off other’s emotional reactions like vampires? Does it give them energy? I thought I was providing plenty emotional reaction for him but perhaps, as I said above, he had noticed that it was no longer genuine.
He was certainly fast with me! As consolation to myself, I like to think that he’s not really that successful a psychopath, certainly not materially. He’s not got a great job, car, house, clothes etc so I presume that his boredom threshold is so low that he can’t even hang around long enough to get maximum gain from his victims before moving on. Or maybe he is only after the emotional entertainment rather than material gains?
Such a big help having you all to talk to, thank you all very much. Nobody is real life would believe it. I told my friend that I had just dated a psychopath. She said “Don’t be silly, he was probably just an arse”. And I said “No, trust me, he was a psychopath”. Thank goodness for the internet.
November 16, 2018 at 8:46 pm #47575
Hi Dorabella, if you go to the very top of this page (LF site) you will see a red & then a grey line with words in it….move over to the “Store” & click on that, to see the book store.
ALso, next to Store…you will see “Vidoe” these are Free videos to watch that Donna has made. They are excellent and incredibly informative. When I first left my ex h, I watch those videos every time I had doubts about by then h being a sociopath/psychopath or when I was crying (which was pretty much everyday) they really opened my mind up to the truth. Most of the books Donna has posted in the book store she has written articles about, just do a search on the top right site of Lovefraud on the book/author.
“I suppose they just discard you if you’re starting to be a nuisance and interfering with their other plans”.
I think this is true. During the end of the marriage I was questioning his lies…and piecing together his secret life. I think this is why at the end he was so evil towards me as he feared he would be exposed to the world. Maybe this guy thought you were going to expose him. Sociopaths/Psychopaths hate to be exposed.
Would it not be the case that all men are looking at porn online nowadays?
I think it is extremely important as humans we are very careful what we program into our brains. I read after leaving my ex h, that porn is twice as addicting as cocaine as he was addicted to porn & I only learned of this after leaving him.
I don’t know how porn addition applies to a normal minded man vs a sociopath/psychopath. But, what I have read 70-90% of sex addicts are sociopaths/psychopaths. SO there is something different between the brain of a normal man and a brain of one of these evil people. I also think that a brain can be programed with bad behavior, so maybe this is where a normal minded man gets an addiction??? But I really dont know. Maybe Donna or someone else can respond to this.
In an attempt to improve my confidence and because I am now fearful of him, what he could be capable of, if he ever reappeared, I have started going to self-defence classes.
I think this is excellent. But please please please keep in mind that a sociopath can be the one causing harm but twist everything around when the police show up and the true victim ends up being arrested for domestic abuse.
My advise in addition of your self defense class, is to advise your trusted neighbors to call the police if he shows up in the neighborhood and you do the same. Dont open your door to him, just call the police. Also look into getting yourself a home security system. You can get a battery operated one easy to install on windows & doors at Home Depot or Lowes (US hardware chain) starting at $15 for two for a door or window. Or a whole system for $150 plus. Or you can hire a company to install a home security and they monitor the alarm. If the alarm goes off they call you. If you don’t answer they call the police.
In addition, you can get car key chains with alarms on them if you are walking say from your office to your car & feel vulnerable.
I would also suggest you tell your most trusted friends and family your gut feeling about this guy and why you are taking a defense corse. Ask them to keep a journal of this so that if he does come to your home or office you can use this in court to possibly get a restraining order. Keep a journal yourself if you see something that looks out of place or with your car. I have read that these types have used gas lighting to mess with a ex before such as moving outdoor furniture etc.
Your local abuse center can provide more tips on staying safe with an Domestic Abuse safety plan. USA National Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE.
Last. Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview on always listen to your gut. Right now your gut is telling you to look out for yourself incase he comes back…listen to this gut reaction to him.
What I always say is a sociopath never counted on all the victims lifting each other up. Thanks to Donna & Terry (LF creators) we have a great place to educate ourselves and also help each other heal.
Wishing you all the best.
November 17, 2018 at 11:51 pm #47581
November 30, 2018 at 4:37 pm #47680
Sorry for the delayed reply but thank you very much for your responses angelstar and jan7.
Angelstar, I will take it as a compliment that he gave up on me so quick; it will be much better for my self-respect to consider it that way.
Jan7, I found the book store and the videos, thank you very much.
Thanks for all the safety advice. I’ve ordered the Gavin Debecker book, thank you. I’ve been to 3 self-defence classes so far and am going to keep going. It’s definitely a good idea, teaching physical defence but also pyschological awareness – maybe relating to the gut instinct idea and learning to drop our social inhibibitions when faced with danger. I’d always intended to go to self-defence sometime but I did get a burst of fear after he left, that made me look at doing it seriously. I suppose it was my instinct that suggested to me to go to classes. But my instinct is also telling me that he won’t be back at all – only time will tell if I’m right on that one.
I’m sorry you had such a tough time with your ex but thank you so much for sharing your experiences and your help; it’s very much appreciated.
Wishing you all the very best too.
December 2, 2018 at 4:58 pm #47687
Dorabella, You are very lucky to have gotten out of your mess so quickly, and yes even short-term relationships with sociopaths can be highly addictive. I dated mine for 3 months, but during those 3 months he had so much drama in his life that I only saw him maybe 4 times. There was also drama when he would tell me he was going to call, then not call. There were excuses, pitiable things going on in his life, and promises of a fulfilling fantasy with him if I am just patient and continue waiting. Naturally, those things never happened. Unlike with yours who just disappeared, mine just didn’t show up for a date we’d scheduled. It was the second time he’d stood me up. When I asked him why, he had no excuses but then said, “So I guess you don’t want to see me again.” Not only did he discard me, but he tried to make it look like I was the one doing the discarding! It was completely crazy. He was apparently testing me to see if it was okay for him to stand me up as a regular habit. Fortunately for me, it wasn’t okay. I told him never to contact me again. Yours may come back with a lot of excuses and try to ingratiate himself back into your life. He will be testing you to see if it’s okay with you that he disappears on you and comes back later. Don’t ever let him back in. Have the self respect to say no, even if you’re dying for him inside. That in itself will raise your self esteem.
December 17, 2018 at 5:52 pm #47840
Thanks very much Stargazer, sorry for the delayed reply. Dying for him inside is a good way to describe it unfortunately.
Yes, I didn’t see him much either, he always had something else on so that he couldn’t see me. Yes, saying he’d call or text, then not doing so. There is nothing worse than the modern torture of waiting for a smartphone to ping or ring, 24/7.
On a slightly lighter note, mine seemed to be incredibly sickly and tired. He had about 4 stomach upsets in the couple of weeks I knew him, his excuse for not contacting me for days. I didn’t know that smartphones could catch gastric upsets and not work anymore but it appears they can do. Whenever he didn’t call, text or broke off a text conversation mid flow, he would come back later and say that he’d fallen asleep. He seemed to spend a lot of time asleep which is curious as he said he didn’t need a lot of sleep (a psychopathic trait, I believe?) As a result of this excessive sleepiness, my friend christened him Rumpelstiltskin.
December 18, 2018 at 11:35 am #47845
Dorabella, at the time mine was making excuses why he couldn’t call (phone fell in toilet, brain surgery – yes he actually used that one! – etc., etc.), I didn’t know what a sociopath was. I couldn’t understand why a guy would have so much drama going on. I was used to if a guy didn’t want to see me or talk to me, he would just ghost me. But this was a game I’d never seen before. It all made sense when I learned about sociopaths. They all take their games from the same playbook. Yours sound like a classic textbook sociopath. Now that you know, it should be easier, at least in theory, to steer clear. The emotions are a little harder. You have to make the effort to release them. You may need to scream and hit pillows or sob for a few days. Eventually, it does get better. It took me a total of a year to totally release mine after the 3-month affair. The reason it took so long is because I turned him into the army, and they had to interview me and my friends about him. The whole process took many months and kept the drama going for me, though I’m glad I did it.
December 18, 2018 at 12:16 pm #47846
I’ve had a few run-ins with sociopaths since that one in 2008. If you have time to read through the stories below, it will give you some examples of the excuses and pity stories sociopaths use. They are all very similar, and after a while, you can tell when you meet one, even if you do still get sucked in a little.
I hired one as a contractor to do some work for me a year ago, unknowingly. Even though he was not attractive physically, he seemed very charming and personable, and I found myself really “liking” him. He got my sympathy telling me his daughter was a heroin addict and that he was once a psych major (as I was). He seemed to like me and wanted to do more work with me in the future. I started thinking about him a lot. This was all a red flag to me, and I suspected he might be a sociopath. But at this point, I still trusted him enough to give him some money upfront for the materials for the job. I didn’t find out till I googled him much later that he was a con artist who had conned several other people. I thought for sure I’d never see my money again, but I was one of the lucky ones. He actually did most of the work I hired him to do, and he did a fairly good job. But he missed a few things and never returned the gate key. He had given me a 2-year warranty, but when I contacted him, he kept promising me he’d stop by, then had a ton of excuses. He told me his daughter had recently died. I think he hoped I’d go away. With some digging, I found out that he had been using the dead daughter excuse for many years!! He was actually in jail during the times he promised me he’d stop by, but he used a whole slew of excuses. Apparently (I found out later) he’d only call me when he was out on work release, with a bunch of excuses and promises. He strung me along for 2 months! I found out later from another victim that that was his M.O. String people along till they give up and go away. I eventually took him to court (but then I forgot the court date and missed it.)
Another one was a young handyman I hired to do some minor things in my condo last year. He was very charming, personable, and good looking and was hitting on me even though he was half my age. I actually found myself thinking about him, which was – again – a BIG red flag for me. He ended up taking off a screen to bring it to his house to fix it. That was supposed to save me the trouble of buying a new one. I never heard from him again!!! He just took off with my screen and never returned my calls! Prior to that, he had all kinds of truck issues and a car accident with his mother in the car – and this is why he missed two appointments with me. I suspected then that he was a sociopath, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I liked him (bad idea). When I looked him up on FB, I saw that he was married with a small child! Fortunately, I never gave him any money, and I had to hire an electrician to redo some of the things he did for me. Later, he appeared on the Nextdoor website (where I found him) with a bunch of excuses and offering to make it up to me. I think he had been in jail (surprise surprise). I replied that he owed me for the screen door. Never heard back. This was a reputable handyman I got through a neighborhood referral! I don’t think this guy was after my money. He was conning me for sex (trying). Gotta say, he was VERY seductive. Glad I didn’t fall for it.
Just recently, I hired a woman off FB Marketplace to paint a piece of furniture for me. She showed me her portfolio and seemed very sincere. I gave her $100 to get started. She took the cabinet to her home, 45 minutes away. She was supposed to bring it back completed in three days for the rest of her money. She was a no-show 5 times in a row that week! She had all these excuses. I suspected she was a sociopath, so I googled her and found her felony prison record. I managed to finally get my cabinet from her. She had done a really nice job painting it but didn’t bring the shelves she was supposed to have made nor the hardware. When she found out I wasn’t giving her the rest of the money due to all the no-shows, she strung me along with the shelves for about 2 weeks and then disappeared. Here were her excuses: 1) She had to drive up north and hit traffic coming back down. 2) She got a speeding ticket on the way to my house and then hit traffic so she went home. 3) The other event she was going to after my house was postponed, so she just went home instead of bringing me the cabinet. 4) She got in a car accident and she and her daughter were in the hospital (she showed up with (fake?) bruises the next day. 6) Her daughter had internal bleeding from the accident. She found out when she was 5 minutes from my house and had to go back. 7) They had to take out her daughter’s kidney. 8) Her dad had run over the shelves….. She called me from the hospital 5 minutes before our next appointment. Blah blah blah. I knew she was lying because I saw her daughter posting on FB when she was supposed to be in surgery. The thing is, when she was in my house, she was disarmingly nice and sincere. It was so hard to tell she was lying. Sociopaths are very clever and all disarmingly nice. They are all (seemingly) so open and honest. They draw you right in with all the things you have in common. And they are ALWAYS going through some sort of trauma that makes you pity them. This one told me she had been abused by her ex and was starting trauma therapy. She asked me for advice on hiring an attorney to go after the drunk driver who hit her. She asked my advice about trauma therapy. I actually felt bad for her and wanted so much to believe her. Know what she went to prison for? Vehicular assault while under the influence (same thing she said happened to her and her daughter). I never confronted her. I just played along till I got my cabinet and hardware back.
This is the effect sociopaths have on us. They make us pity them and want to take care of them because of their hard times (that are all made up). It’s amazing to see how these creatures work! They like to use the dead – or injured – daughter excuse. And many of them fake walking with a limp (like the guy I dated in 2008 did with the army). There are ALWAYS excuses, and they sound very sincere. There are always no-shows and no-calls. It’s right out of the playbook.
December 18, 2018 at 3:58 pm #47848
That’s really interesting Stargazer, thank you for those stories. I never thought of the problem of psychopathic tradesmen – that’s a whole other problem! When you write all the excuses down like that, it sounds so ridiculous that they keep coming out with all that rubbish. I presume that because I suffer from ill health, my spath’s excuses were all to do with his health problems so that I would empathise and not give him a hard time. However he was much more sickly than me in all that time. And all the sleeping – his ex (see below) said he NEVER slept (which as we know is a psycho trait, isn’t it).
I don’t know whether to report mine to his work or not, because he targeted me whilst he was working and it was a breach of his professional trust. I’m scared to, to be honest. I still don’t know how he would react. He seems to be a coward but I’m conscious of all the online stories of how they nurse their wrath and then come back for retribution when you least expect it.
I’ve been chatting to one of my spath’s previous victims. I don’t know what to make of it. She had a much better time of it than me – he dated her for 4 months, he was in touch with her all the time in person or by phone, they had lots of sex and he wasn’t mean to her in that time. She had psychiatric and abuse problems in her past. Was she just lucky, did he actually like her, or was he playing a longer game? Why was it so different with me – short, no sex, little communication? She finished with him when a friend intuited that there was something wrong with him. She backed off, he said he was going because his ex-girlfriend needed help, she just said okay and that seemed to be it. All he did was block her on Facebook. I would have thought he’d do more to get her back? I suppose she was meant to get upset about the ex and try to get him to stay? That was a few years ago and he came back to her recently but she didn’t like him anymore, no spark, and she sent him packing. Her and I have been comparing notes on his lies.
Talking of lies, he told me he had an alcoholic abusive father who left when he was 5. Now I believed that completely because it would explain him being a psychopath. However my fellow victim says he didn’t have an abusive father. Don’t know how she knows for sure though. Why didn’t he tell her that? Or was he telling me that to get my sympathy? It was actually a red flag for me which I ignored. I thought that might make him damaged goods, but then the reasonable side of me thought I shouldn’t blame a son for the sins of his father.
I feel really flat without him.
December 18, 2018 at 4:52 pm #47849
Hi Dorabella, I’m sorry you had toe experience this. I understand the confused feeling that your ex partner was making you feel! I had this too. I’m sorry to tell me story here in your feed, but I am new nere and not sure how to start a new post. I was single and quite happy 5 years ago but really wanted another child. So I started looking on websites and met a guy who lives 4 hours drive away. He was so attentive and only after a month did he say to me he wanted a baby. I was so happy! We did the long distance thing for 2.5 years, but within this time he had snippets of explosive rage which shook me but I chose to ignore them as I thought I just needed to work on it more. He would never physically harm me but slowly eroded my self esteem by constantly making jokes about my education etc (I’m educated he is not). He made me get loans for him to pay for things with his business, in the beginning he said he had a successful business but then when we moved to be with him, he said he was struggling and I had to keep paying more and more. He would tell me to leave but he will never be without our son so I felt trapped and unloved. All me and my daughter wanted to do was return home to our town with my son also. I sold my home to move to be with him and he didn’t seem to care. He never cheated though so that’s the only thing of narcissism I believe he didn’t have, but I believe he has the rest of the traits. He ruined every fathers day and christmas by having a ‘mood’ and just leaving for a few days, not knowing what we had done wrong. Finally, after realising 6 months ago that I had no self esteem left and starting a job which he tried to get me fired from, I looked at the relationship and started to question him which went down like a lead balloon. I started talking back to him because at this point I didn’t care. He must have felt me pulling away because he said ‘you don’t love me anymore? You can f*%k off but you can’t take our son’. So right before Halloween this year I got what I could pack into the car, got the kids and left with the police putting an AVO in place (another story). We are now living very happily in a refuge and the relief I feel is amazing! Occasionally I feel sad but I think that’s just natural grief. So D, heal from it and think of it as a lucky escape! In hindsight I wish I had had a quick excape xx
December 18, 2018 at 4:53 pm #47850
oops sorry about typos!!
December 18, 2018 at 8:41 pm #47853
For someone to be a sociopath, it doesn’t matter whether they were raised in a good family or an abusive family, so that is irrelevant. Also, there are many people who were abused as children who don’t grow up to be sociopaths. Sociopaths actually have a different brain structure from normal people, which makes it really hard for them to change, not that they ever really want to. There is just no way to understand them. You can try and try, but their behaviors and how they think just don’t make sense to us.
Regarding why they treat some people more kindly….Sociopaths do not respect anyone, even if it seems that way on the outside. My theory is that they test their victims to see what the victims will tolerate. Some will tolerate less abuse then others. They sense this inherently and just don’t go there with that person. That doesn’t mean they respect the person any more. They may not display certain behaviors, but guaranteed they are still lying and deceiving. The guy you spoke of may have just ghosted that woman because he sensed he could not play his games with her. He might have figured she was onto him or would be shortly. He may have been “kind” in some ways but he probably had someone else on the side.
December 19, 2018 at 1:55 pm #47859
Bubblegrapes, thank you but your story is so much worse than mine which is nothing in comparison. You are incredibly brave and strong by the sound of it, getting away like that and you sound like you are doing well personally despite what you’ve been through and where you are now.
I’m new here but maybe somebody else can advise on setting up a new post. You might get more answers to yours if it was in a separate post.
December 19, 2018 at 2:33 pm #47863
bubblegrapes, starting a new thread is easy. Just click on “Forum” near the middle of that red bar at the top of the page. When the “Lovefraud Community Forum” page comes up, click on one of the categories listed in red under the “Forum” heading, such as “General,” “Is my partner a sociopath?” etc. When that page comes up with a list of topics, scroll down to the bottom of the page. That’s where you start a new thread. Enter the topic in the “Topic Title” box, and fill in the text in the space underneath—which isn’t clearly delineated, but there’s a space there anyway. You have to be logged in, of course.
December 23, 2018 at 12:28 pm #47878
Thanks very much Stargazer. I wondered if there was a genetic link, if his father was a psychopath and the gene passed on to him, and being abused as a young child by his father would seal the deal on him becoming psychopathic. But I’ll never know if the abusive father was real or not. Maybe he just invented him to gain sympathy for me, although I admit it was actually a red flag – which I noted but then ignored. As I say, maybe he was nothing like his father. Mine didn’t drink because he claimed he didn’t want to turn out like his alcoholic father.
His ex that I was talking to was an ideal victim for him because she had suffered abuse from her father as a child and from her husband as an adult, has had a nervous breakdown and been hospitalised several times with mental illness – and told him all that. But He treated her well, so why did he not treat her more badly when he had the chance, or would he be playing a longer game to wear her down and destroy her over time. That’s why I thought he must actually like her.
But if their victimss lay down rules of what they will tolerate, explicit or implicit, does the psychpath not just give up and move on because he isn’t getting his way completely? You are right – I don’t suppose I will ever make sense of him or the whole thing. That is why it is so crazy-making.
December 23, 2018 at 3:11 pm #47879
Dorabella, yes, sociopathy is passed down genetically. As for whether he treated his ex better, consider that she is mentally ill and depressed. It is very likely his treatment of her contributes to that or allows her to tolerate his abuse more. It may “appear” as though he treats her better. I can pretty much guarantee he doesn’t. Even if he did “like” her better, it would be in the way Hannibal Lecter “liked” Clarice in Silence of the Lambs.
Rejection hurts much much more with a sociopath, but normal people can be jerks, too, when they break up. We are then left wondering, “Why wasn’t I good enough?” “What did I do?” “What could I have done differently?” In an ideal world the sociopath would just be honest. “I’m breaking up with you because I’ve already used you for what I needed, and now I’m bored, but don’t worry, when I’m bored with the new one and need to play more games, I’ll be back.” This goes against their nature which is to lie and deceive.
In an ideal world, even a normal man would say, “I don’t feel we’re compatible” or “I don’t feel I am the right man to make you happy” or “I’m not ready for a relationship,” etc. Then we can all move on knowing it just wasn’t the right person for us. But people don’t do this anymore; they just ghost each other. Not only is it rude, but it doesn’t let us have closure. We need to make our own closure.
Don’t compare yourself to the other woman/women. Even if he did for some reason “like” her better, it is no reflection on your worth. I’ve had a few sociopaths who were totally into me completely ghost me once I was onto them. And they knew better than to ever come back. It’s actually a burden to have a sociopath prefer you over the other victims. The adoration is very addicting and makes it harder to leave when they start betraying you.
December 26, 2018 at 5:44 pm #47896
Thank you so much again Stargazer. You understand exactly what I meant, better than I understood myself.
Oh no, how low is my self-esteem that I’m upset that I’ve been rejected by a psychopath and am comparing myself unfavourably to his other victim? As you say, it’s the ultimate compliment really, that he doesn’t think I’m worth his while. How can I get over this?
Why is it such a big deal to them to avoid exposure? I mean, my one’s lies were so ridiculous and transparent at times, how can he truly expect anyone with an iota of intelligence and insight not to know he’s a phoney? Or do they know we know they’re lying, as long as we don’t actually come out and say “you’re lying” to them. As long as they’re not directly called out, is that enough to defend their egos to themselves? It’s so weird.
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