REGISTER | LOGIN

Why did psychpath give up on me so quickly?

This topic contains 10 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  angelstar 18 hours, 58 minutes ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #47496

    dorabella
    Participant

    I’m new here, only just learned about psychopathy in the last few days as I try to recover from a toxic encounter with a true psychopath. I know I’ve been very lucky in that he got bored of me after only two weeks and has disappeared (I think for good). I am still trying to resist the urge to get in touch with him.

    I only knew him for a month and was only in a “relationship” with him for two weeks, so I know it’s not major. But he has mucked about with my head even in that short space of time. Promised me the world, whilst lying about everything and delivering nothing. He must have somebody else on the go, as he disappears for 3 days at a time each week, which is luckily what alerted me to the fact that he wasn’t what he seemed.

    Why did he discard me so quickly? Obviously he has someone else on the go, the main attraction, and I was presumably just a side show. Was he just bored? Was I too boring? Had I been too easy, a walkover? He hadn’t got anything out of me, sex or money, so why did he give up on me?
    Money: he made comments about being underpaid at work and his computer breaking down and needing a new one, but he never asked for money, nor did I offer it. Was I meant to jump in and offer money as soon as he said he was hard up?
    Sex: he could have had sex if he had continued; we had only made out but I certainly wasn’t saying no to sex. If anything, I was keener than him. Is that why he drew back, to punish me by withholding sex?
    Or could he have known that I was starting to see through him and decided to give up while the going was good?
    I feel insulted that he gave up on me so quickly, which is ridiculous. I know that I’ve had a very lucky escape, but he’s still managed to muck my head and emotions up even in that short space of time.

    I’ve never had much luck with relationships and it was my first in a long time, and undoubtedly my worst experience so far. I suppose my lack of success has always been down to low self-esteem but I can’t believe I’ve been so victimised again. I can’t bear that he saw me as vulnerable and weak, and exploited me so easily. How do I stop this turning me bitter and frightening me off from ever trying a relationship again?

  • #47503

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Dorabella – Welcome to Lovefraud. First of all, yes, count your lucky stars that you got rid of him so quickly. I know it still hurts, but you are correct – you are better off.

    Psychopaths always have an agenda. They get involved with you because they want something from you. I believe you are right — he is also working on another target – they usually have multiple targets going at once. Probably someone else has more of whatever it is that he is looking for at the moment. Some other woman is a juicier target. Don’t feel jealous – feel sorry for her. Anyone who becomes involved with a psychopath will suffer.

    For you, consider this a warning sign that you have some internal issues that need to be addressed. The best thing you can do is work on your emotional healing. Psychopaths figure out our vulnerabilities and then use them against us. We’re all human, we all have vulnerabilities. The key is to know what they are so you can recognize when someone is trying to target you.

    We have lots of resources here on Lovefraud. You may want to check out our webinars. Also, my “Red Flags of Lovefraud Workbook” helps you identify your vulnerabilities. It’s a skinny and inexpensive book with questions and checklists that will help you analyze how you got hooked.

  • #47504

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Dorabella,

    It is the highest compliment, not an insult, that he stopped trying to exploit you and left the ‘relationship.’

    It is likely that the fact you did not fall for his tactic of whining about being underpaid and offer him money, and that you probably were stating to see through him, were reasons he moved on to exploit someone else.

    Spaths don’t bond with anyone, and move on whenever they are not getting what they want. You can be pleased that you are not an easy target for victimization.

    Spaths tend to check in with a past victim/potential future victim from time to time to see if there is anything they want, so consider being prepared for him to contact you at some random time.

    When you’re ready to date again, you might consider keeping the pace of any new relationship fairly slow, to give yourself time to get to know a potential partner well enough to evaluate whether he’s emotionally healthy and is considerate of your well being.

  • #47509

    dorabella
    Participant

    Thank you very much ladies. That does make me feel better about it all.

    I have realised I am much freer in giving away my heart than I am in giving away my money! Perhaps he had worked that out quicker than I did. There were several stories about being short of money after only a week of being in our “relationship” – do some women offer money as quickly as that? But he was also spending money like water in the short time I knew him, bought $1000 of technology (if it was true) so possibly his other target was subsidising those expenses. Or he could just have been running up debt, who knows.

    Still confused as to why he didn’t take sex from me when he could. Does it not matter to some of them? Are some only interested in getting money from you or just using you for their “entertainment”, to see how much they can hurt you and disrupt your life? I wondered if I was just entertainment for him and he’d just got bored of me.

    Thank you Annette. I did wonder if he might return at some point because as far as he knew I hadn’t rumbled him. I was sending increasingly loving and needy messages by the end (made up, once I’d sussed him) but perhaps he saw through those and knew he was rumbled. He disappeared with one last message that he was depressed and “needed space to get his head sorted out”. So he perhaps might return once his “depression” has improved.

    I do have low self-esteem. Are there any resources you can recommend to work on that too Donna?

  • #47510

    dorabella
    Participant

    Another question, if you don’t mind: He works as a carer and that is how he met me, as I am a carer for my mother. He abused his position of trust by starting a relationship with me, although I admit I was perfectly willing. Now I feel it is my duty to report him to his employer, not for my own case, but because I truly worry about how he may be exploiting other vulnerable sick and elderly people in their own homes. I know you can’t hurt a psycho’s feelings but attacking him at his job may well hurt him, as he seems to enjoy his job (says he does, unless that’s another lie), and it must give him some validation and presumably the chance to exert power over vulnerable people.
    However, all I’ve read so far tells me that I shouldn’t do so, that I should walk away and keep walking, because of angering him if he found out and causing him to retaliate. I have no idea of how vindictive or violent he may be. Should I report him to his work or not?

  • #47516

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Dorabella,so sorry that you got tangled up with an evil psychopath.

    You state:

    Why did he discard me so quickly?

    Do you know for a fact he discarded you for good? Psychopaths will set up many targets, so that any time the feel like it, in the future, they can contact their past target and use them even if it’s just for fun. They will either give a sob story or a plausible story as why they “disappeared” or they might even shift the blame to you to manipulate you into taking them back. Remember they are masterful manipulators & liars!!

    This is why it is vitally important to educate yourself and slam the door on them right from the get go of learning who you were dealing with.

    You state:

    I am still trying to resist the urge to get in touch with him.

    This is part of a psychopaths con game. They make you feel vulnerable. They make you want to contact them, even when they disappear & discard you.

    But, if you contact this guy he will only mess with you mind, heart & spirit even more. If you contact him he will have you HOOKED into his con game.

    It is extremely common for a psychopath to all of a sudden disappear early in the relationship. My ex did the same. Gave me a story that he had to “leave for a few weeks on business”, this after he talked me into moving in with him. I suspect now that it was all a con game to get me into his home to pay his mortgage while he all along never broke up with his ex gf (he told me he was not dating anyone). I will never know the truth about that, but my gut tells me now that I’m educated that he was conning her, me and many others at the same time.

    You state:

    Obviously he has someone else on the go, the main attraction, and I was presumably just a side show.

    Most likely YES, maybe he has a live in gf or even is married or lots of hook ups. Or maybe a gf in another state or city. When I finally left my ex h (yes, I was an idiot and married the guy) I found out he was cheating with three women (maybe 5) in two different states! I told my counselor who was extremely educated in sociopath abuse, that I thought my ex h cheated on me at least 8 – 12 times during the marriage looking back. She told me it was more likely 3 to 4 times that amount as that is what sociopaths/psychopath do = serial cheaters!!

    SO YES!! this guy has many women the side & one main supply.

    It could just be that they (his main supply) were fighting & he had to quickly set up someone to move in with & then talked the main squeeze back into a relationship with him.

    You state:

    Sex: he could have had sex if he had continued; we had only made out but I certainly wasn’t saying no to sex. If anything, I was keener than him. Is that why he drew back, to punish me by withholding sex?

    This could be for many many reasons, with holding sex for them is about power & control over you. You right now are desiring him…that is what he wants so that you will take him back when he needs a supply or

    he could have a porn addition, which most of these guys do & cant get an erection without looking at porn first. My ex was this way from the beginning. I was to young & inexperienced to fully understand this and also was to uncomfortable to discuss the subject with him or anyone else.

    Thank your lucky starts you did not have sex with him. You do not know how many women and men (YEP, they do not care who they have sex with!!) he has been with. I have read many many post here at love fraud and also other sites that these types set up on hook up sites & also crags list for same sex, threesomes, hookers etc. BEWARE this guy could kill you just by having sex with him STD’s.

    You state:

    I’ve never had much luck with relationships and it was my first in a long time, and undoubtedly my worst experience so far. I suppose my lack of success has always been down to low self-esteem

    I’m sorry you suffer from “low self esteem. This is where you need to put your attention. To love yourself…once you do you will be able to find a healthy, loving, kind man to love you back. With low self esteem you will attacked a lot of frogs.

    I would highly recommend that you look into Donna’s life coach here at love fraud. She just posted a article stating for a life coach session you will get her books for free. If you go to the top of LF and look under “contact” you can learn more. Keep educating yourself. Also look up at the top of LF book store and see if any of there other books listed hit a cord with you. And your library may have books on self love to help you to heal and grow.

    Find interest like hobbies or sports etc that you have always want to do. Set your goals also. This helps to build up your self esteem.

    Your not alone…we hear you!! Sending you hugs!! 💜

    Take care.

    ps. Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their powerful interview on listening to your gut instinct. Gavin Debunkers book is The gift of fear (your library may have this). It’s a must read book I believe for all woman.

  • #47545

    monicapz
    Participant

    Dear Dorabella,

    May I add that sociopaths pick up very quickly when you are on to them.

    You were on to him at least on a subconscious level, and he was conscious of that BEFORE you were conscious of his sociopathic behavior.

    Yours truly,

    Monica

  • #47555

    slimone
    Participant

    dorabella,

    My style is really to unpack all of this down to the most basic element. The reason he let you go is because he decided he wanted to. It isn’t generally for any other reason. We are ALL inanimate objects to these types. They have no feelings about us, what we need, who we are. They either want to use us and get supply from us, or they don’t.

    When they don’t it’s simply because it doesn’t suit them to bother with us.

    It is true that we can be vulnerable to these people, for a variety of reasons. Low self esteem, preferring fantasy to reality, self-loathing, lack of life experience. You get the idea.

    But the only real reason we are attractive to them is because they want something we have. If they decide we don’t have what they want, then they go away.

    Then you may ask ‘what did he want’? The most basic answer is he wants an emotional reaction, without having to put out to much energy to get it. He wants to feed off of other peoples reactions.

    Some of these types will hang around and and play a loooooong game to get lots of emotional reactions (which will eventually be most negative emotional reactions). Some of them cycle through their abuse cycle really fast, and move on quickly.

    And all of this is basically about them, not us.

  • #47574

    dorabella
    Participant

    Thank you all for your replies, all very helpful and thought-provoking.

    Jan7, thanks very much for all the advice. I’m 99% sure he’s gone for good, I don’t know why, but who knows. Where is the LF Book store please? I’m not finding it.
    I was just an opportunistic find for him, I think; he hadn’t actively sought me out, so I know I was a side show and he must have had someone (or more than one) more important on the go. I suppose they just discard you if you’re starting to be a nuisance and interfering with their other plans. I did ask questions, although I then just shut up, rather than pointing out any inconsistencies in his stories. But perhaps he didn’t like my questioning.

    That’s very interesting about the sex. He did do something that I’d not come across before but the internet tells me it’s often porn-related, so that could apply to him. Would it not be the case that all men are looking at porn online nowadays?

    In an attempt to improve my confidence and because I am now fearful of him, what he could be capable of, if he ever reappeared, I have started going to self-defence classes. A good move, I hope. I wasn’t scared of him at the time but in retrospect, I am. There were a few hints of possibly sadistic behaviour and of course, I’ve now read how vindictive and violent they can be; I don’t know if that applies to him or not.

    Thanks Monicapz, as my only solace, I would like to think that he knew he’d been rumbled by me, even though I hadn’t said so to him. I did know consciously what he was in the last few days but continued to play my part and was sending him (made-up) messages, full of neediness and concern for him, which I thought were what he wanted from me. But maybe he knew they were false and gave up the game? I suppose a pathological liar will be pretty good at knowing when someone else is lying? Or are they so busy lying themselves, that they don’t notice others’ lies?!

    Slimone, that’s very interesting. Do they feed off other’s emotional reactions like vampires? Does it give them energy? I thought I was providing plenty emotional reaction for him but perhaps, as I said above, he had noticed that it was no longer genuine.
    He was certainly fast with me! As consolation to myself, I like to think that he’s not really that successful a psychopath, certainly not materially. He’s not got a great job, car, house, clothes etc so I presume that his boredom threshold is so low that he can’t even hang around long enough to get maximum gain from his victims before moving on. Or maybe he is only after the emotional entertainment rather than material gains?

    Such a big help having you all to talk to, thank you all very much. Nobody is real life would believe it. I told my friend that I had just dated a psychopath. She said “Don’t be silly, he was probably just an arse”. And I said “No, trust me, he was a psychopath”. Thank goodness for the internet.

  • #47575

    Jan7
    Participant

    Hi Dorabella, if you go to the very top of this page (LF site) you will see a red & then a grey line with words in it….move over to the “Store” & click on that, to see the book store.

    ALso, next to Store…you will see “Vidoe” these are Free videos to watch that Donna has made. They are excellent and incredibly informative. When I first left my ex h, I watch those videos every time I had doubts about by then h being a sociopath/psychopath or when I was crying (which was pretty much everyday) they really opened my mind up to the truth. Most of the books Donna has posted in the book store she has written articles about, just do a search on the top right site of Lovefraud on the book/author.

    You state:

    “I suppose they just discard you if you’re starting to be a nuisance and interfering with their other plans”.

    I think this is true. During the end of the marriage I was questioning his lies…and piecing together his secret life. I think this is why at the end he was so evil towards me as he feared he would be exposed to the world. Maybe this guy thought you were going to expose him. Sociopaths/Psychopaths hate to be exposed.

    You state:

    Would it not be the case that all men are looking at porn online nowadays?

    I think it is extremely important as humans we are very careful what we program into our brains. I read after leaving my ex h, that porn is twice as addicting as cocaine as he was addicted to porn & I only learned of this after leaving him.

    I don’t know how porn addition applies to a normal minded man vs a sociopath/psychopath. But, what I have read 70-90% of sex addicts are sociopaths/psychopaths. SO there is something different between the brain of a normal man and a brain of one of these evil people. I also think that a brain can be programed with bad behavior, so maybe this is where a normal minded man gets an addiction??? But I really dont know. Maybe Donna or someone else can respond to this.

    You state:

    In an attempt to improve my confidence and because I am now fearful of him, what he could be capable of, if he ever reappeared, I have started going to self-defence classes.

    I think this is excellent. But please please please keep in mind that a sociopath can be the one causing harm but twist everything around when the police show up and the true victim ends up being arrested for domestic abuse.

    My advise in addition of your self defense class, is to advise your trusted neighbors to call the police if he shows up in the neighborhood and you do the same. Dont open your door to him, just call the police. Also look into getting yourself a home security system. You can get a battery operated one easy to install on windows & doors at Home Depot or Lowes (US hardware chain) starting at $15 for two for a door or window. Or a whole system for $150 plus. Or you can hire a company to install a home security and they monitor the alarm. If the alarm goes off they call you. If you don’t answer they call the police.

    In addition, you can get car key chains with alarms on them if you are walking say from your office to your car & feel vulnerable.

    I would also suggest you tell your most trusted friends and family your gut feeling about this guy and why you are taking a defense corse. Ask them to keep a journal of this so that if he does come to your home or office you can use this in court to possibly get a restraining order. Keep a journal yourself if you see something that looks out of place or with your car. I have read that these types have used gas lighting to mess with a ex before such as moving outdoor furniture etc.

    Your local abuse center can provide more tips on staying safe with an Domestic Abuse safety plan. USA National Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE.

    Last. Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview on always listen to your gut. Right now your gut is telling you to look out for yourself incase he comes back…listen to this gut reaction to him.

    What I always say is a sociopath never counted on all the victims lifting each other up. Thanks to Donna & Terry (LF creators) we have a great place to educate ourselves and also help each other heal.

    Wishing you all the best.

    • This reply was modified 1 day, 19 hours ago by  Jan7.
    • This reply was modified 1 day, 19 hours ago by  Jan7.
  • #47581

    angelstar
    Participant

    I wouldn’t take it personal, some sociopaths leave because they want an easier target, maybe you are too strong for him to toy with. Think of it as a compliment for him to leave you a lone.

    • This reply was modified 18 hours, 52 minutes ago by  angelstar.

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.


Send this to a friend