How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › Why is going on in this situation? I can't figure it out!
July 11, 2017 at 7:36 am #41408
Oh dear Im feeling so weird today. A tough few days or weeks with my Ea as now he has a hugely horrible lodger in our former marital home.
I have been working on building up my marriage with my Husband of 5 years. I thought he was a Narc but then I left and got my own place and life went on, I enrolled in University. So he hoovered me up about three months later…. so now we live 100 miles apart and see each other at weekends. But as I have broken up for summer break we thought it would be nice for me to stay with him while he works out the end of his school year. So I go to our old home. Its lovely. I take my laptop and get on with my summer project. All seems well.
BUT then he gets a lodger… to help with running the big house we used to share. we agreed we might as well, its a big house. I went through the applications on my EAs request and picked a guy who seemed really nice. He’s an elite body builder and I reckon he’s a huge Narc! (OMG of course he is, he spends every minute on his body and how he looks duh!) So in the beginning we all got on great but after the weekend when he realised I was staying he got mean. He blanked me and talked loudly to my Husband about ‘that being here” ( referring to me!) To be fair to him the advert for the lodger did say the house would be empty for a lot of the time and it wasn’t. But he kicked off saying he wanted and expected the house to himself. SO he’s really nice and chummy to my Husband saying how great it was when I wasn’t there. In front of me as well.
So this has been going on for three weeks now and it came to head last week. The lodger said he wasn’t happy I was there and wanted me gone. My Husband just seemed to placate him and tell him how much he liked him. Im sitting there feeling terrible. I feel like I am being bullied!
Sowhen the lodger goes out my Husband then asks me how I thought he handled it? I have to confess I really over reacted. I am so hurt by all this. I really wanted to leave but I didn’t want the bullying lodger to win either…in the end it was best but it hurts.
I told him that as my Husband I expected him to have my back as a minimum requirement and not to ask ME to leave. But I understand he is in an awkward position with needing the money and not wanting to upset me. He chose to upset me. So I can’t go there anymore.
I am confused with how I feel. Is this more abuse. What should my Husband have done in a healthy relationship? I feel really let down by him and rejected and it hurts. I am feeling that I am yet again being the one who is not important. The one who is treated as if they don’t matter.
To top it off, the lodger my H and the lodgers GF all sat and watched a movie last night….they couldn’t do it while I was there as I created an ‘atmosphere.’ so the lodger said. Honestly Im not that kind of person, I was polite and respectful and friendly to him at all times. I cleaned up after him and tried to make him feel at home. Im baffled.
I am very cross with my H, what do you think would be the best way to handle this and to think about it all? This is eating me up and I feel sick bout it.
sorry for the long post, thank you for reading it all.
July 13, 2017 at 1:55 pm #41448
What is EA? I’m not familiar with the abbreviation. I’m not clear on whether you’re married or separated. Overall, it sounds like neither your husband nor your lodger are treating you very well. They sound disrespectful, and bullying you in accusing you of ‘creating an atmosphere,’ which is too vague to address. Sounds like the reasons you moved out originally haven’t changed. You might consider moving out now if you can do so. It doesn’t sound like a good place for you to live.
July 13, 2017 at 2:58 pm #41452
I didn’t explain very well did I! sorry!
My Husband and I live apart, we split up last year and I moved away and started Uni. We now have separate homes 100 miles apart but are still technically married. I was staying with him as I am on my summer break.
Hope that clears that up!
Im not sure if Im just getting all het up about the whole thing. Its really confused me. Im really upset that he didn’t just want me to be happy, maybe I am expecting too much, I keep thinking how I would react. I think I would give the lodger his notice, it isn’t working out. But he hasn’t. I felt I was made to feel so uncomfortable I had to leave. I really feel like not staying there again until he’s gone but that feels wrong too, like really childish and controlling. Im just sick of putting myself inlaces where I know I will be treated badly. I told myself I wouldn’t do that anymore and that is progress I guess.
Thanks for replying. x
July 13, 2017 at 3:24 pm #41453
Thanks for explaining. I got most of that, but I don’t know who the EA is, I don’t know what that abbreviation means.
It is not expecting too much that your husband have your well being and happiness as a priority.
From what you describe, it makes sense not to stay there. You don’t deserve to be treated badly. It sounds like your ex and the lodger are trying to blame you for their meanness.
It does sound like you’re making progress – changing our expectations and our boundaries takes time and work. Every step in the right direction counts.
July 14, 2017 at 5:10 am #41459
sorry, I missed that bit. EA is an abbreviation for Emotional Abuse/abuser/Narcissist. Hope that makes sense. x
July 14, 2017 at 5:11 am #41460
I would consider my Husband to be my emotional abuser. I say this from previous years with him and things my therapist have said in the past.
July 14, 2017 at 8:29 am #41463
Thank you for explaining. I understand EA is your husband whom you’re separated from. It sounds like you will be better off away from him. Your situation living in the house with your ex reminded me of a similar situation when I was separated but not yet divorced from my ex psychopath. It seemed like a good idea at the time to pay him to do some maintenance and remodeling (painting, etc.) work at my home and also at a client’s home I manage as part of my position as Personal Assistant. My ex spath needed the work, and he can do good work. It turned out to be nothing but trouble. He created arguments, difficulty, lying, accusing, was unreliable, etc. I realized that the same reasons that he was unsuccessful as a spouse and impossible to be married to, resulted in him being a difficult and unpleasant worker. It worked way better to have someone else do the jobs.
July 14, 2017 at 9:33 am #41464
I sometimes wonder if I just over think and over analyse things!
Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.
July 14, 2017 at 9:57 am #41466
You are welcome. Most everyone here on the Lovefraud site has been or is going through a situation similar to what you’re dealing with.
When an abuser constantly tells you that you’re over thinking, you’re wrong, his bad behavior is your fault, you are making a mountain out of a mole hill, no one else has viewed his behavior like you do, etc. etc., it makes if difficult to trust one’s own good judgement. My ex spath would blame his evil behavior choices on what I would do, ie. “I had to do (lie, cheat, steal, etc.) or else you WOULD HAVE DONE (something terrible I hadn’t done). I eventually concluded that I just wasn’t doing enough terrible things for him to have any material to blame me for!
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