How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › Why is it taking me so long?
June 21, 2021 at 4:42 pm #65971
I am only just realizing that I have been dealing with what I believe is a narcissist, who is also an alcoholic, drug and sex addict, although clever in hiding most of that. So I am not sure if his behaviour is related to the addictions or he is simply all of those things. How can I tell?
I could never understand why it seemed that when I said something bothered or hurt me he would double his efforts to do those things and seemingly got off on it, like it was a turn on. It’s only been in the last few weeks that I am really seeing things that I found so confusing for what they really were/are.
He has used me to make other women jealous and for whatever reason I didn’t pick up on what was happening at the time. As an example he once invited me to a friends who were having people over he was very insistent that I show up. This of course made me happy in that he actually wanted me there. When I got there he was super lovey dovey and insisted I sit on his knee. He was watching this girl and he said “oh look at her, she is so sad, she must be feeling intense jealously now that you are here, aww she is heart broken ” and he kept commenting on it and looked actually gleeful about it. She left shortly after and I was in a place where I just didn’t want to know…
We were never in a “committed” relationship so he saw others and I tried to see other people. Which made it easy for him to flirt with others in front of me and I couldn’t say anything because we weren’t exclusive. When I asked him not to in front of me, it just turned into an invitation to do more of it. He would take great delight in telling me about his other conquests even though I said I didn’t want to hear about it, he would say I was the only one he could tell this stuff to cause we were such good friends. Ugh could I be more stupid?
He would definitely be jealous if I received any attention from other men or really anyone for that matter, it was always the (I’ll call him Gene) Gene show. He has definitely given me the silent treatment and is upset if I don’t respond immediately to him, when we are actually speaking. I am not currently compelled to contact him but I do feel this horrible pull to be in places where I might see him and then feel sick after the night is over. I don’t want to be with him and yet I can’t stop thinking about it.
I have attempted to cut him out of my life after yet another night of making me feel worthless, he took me to a friends place and he spent the night in the kitchen making out with the hosts wife, I assume I was invited to keep the husband busy, I left of course asking myself why I was stupid enough to be talked into going in the first place.
We have many, many mutual friends and everyone loves him, his charm is through the roof and when he is a crappy friend everyone says “oh that’s just how he is but you know I love the guy”. Nothing is ever his fault, ever. Everyone tolerates his behaviour cause he can be super fun as long as you aren’t the focus of his manipulation.
At the very least I am more aware now based on information I have read, and the info I have gotten from peoples posts and insights. So thank you. I just want him out of my head and to feel nothing when I see him….is this possible or am I just going to stay insane? This is a very limited description of the last 6 years….I have even tried hypnotherapy which honestly helped but its not enough. I’m so tired of feeling anxious and sad.
June 21, 2021 at 8:15 pm #65972Donna AndersenKeymaster
mechele – The guy is a complete sociopath. You actually nailed it when you said that he gets off on making you unhappy. This shows that his motivation is all about power and control. He wants to be a puppet master, pulling the strings and watching you jump. This is the core of what sociopaths want. If he has a substance use issue, I assure you, he would treat you in exactly the same way if he were sober. The core problem is his personality disorder.
We have lots of information here on Lovefraud that will help you. A key concept is to understand that these relationships is highly addictive. Type “addicted to a sociopath” in the search bar at the top of the page for Lovefraud articles on it.
You might also want to check out our webinars – especially on EFT tapping. They will help you break the addiction.
June 21, 2021 at 8:39 pm #65973
Thank you I will check the links out …after all knowledge is power…I really appreciate your response ..I just wanna be free even if it is just from being stuck in my own head.
June 23, 2021 at 1:37 am #65981
Hi Mechele, he sounds a lot like my ex:
Extremely charming and charismatic
Everyone loves being around him
Covertly emotionally abusive, lying, manipulating, controlling
Enjoyed manipulating me and confusing me and seeing me suffer
Sex addiction (hookers and strippers)
And mine was also involved in crime so it can be even worse.
Yes this type of relationship is very addicting. It is very difficult to break free. But you will NEVER have a peaceful stable healthy loving genuine life while he is still in it. Because he is the opposite of those things.
June 23, 2021 at 11:29 am #65982
Thank you for this. Thankfully he has never taken money from me and not paid it back, he seems to have some code in that area (more confusion). He hasn’t had a job since we started hanging out in 2016 he gets an allowance from his parents and lives in their basement…he’s 42. Put this guy on paper and he’s the exact opposite of anyone dateable. And yet here I am….His sexual encounters are of course women of all types and men too…he flips between being super feminine to masculine..he carries an overnight bag wherever he goes and it’s hard to talk to anyone cause everyone loves him and we aren’t “dating”. Are there any out there that aren’t narcissist’s? How can we possibly believe anything anyone says. I feel like I keep dating the same guy…this one has been the worst though…
June 23, 2021 at 12:04 pm #65983
I’m also scared some how he will see this …
June 23, 2021 at 6:25 pm #65985
you ask: Why did it take so long?
Like all of us who asked this same question when we finally escaped the grips of a sociopath, we had never dealt with a sociopath prior. We did not have the education to know who they really are = pure evil.
We were taught to give someone “a second chance”…we were never taught about “pity me manipulation”…we were never taught how to spot a con man.
I like the saying:
When you know better, you do better.
Now you know, like all of us that were thrown into the depths of hell by a evil sociopath. We now know to ALWAYS LISTEN TO OUR GUT INSTINCTS the second we meet someone.
Keep educating yourself here at Lovefraud. Donna has a library full of endless education for you to never get sucked back into a sociopaths con game.
WHen you decide to date…keep coming back here and keep educating yourself. These types are everywhere…they are very stealth with their con games.
You are stronger then you know!! 💜💜💜
look up on you tube the interview “Oprah Gavin Debecker the gift of fear”…this will remind you to listen to your gut instinct every second of the day. And, never let someone talk you out of your gut instinct.
Look up here on LF: Gavin Debecker book “The Gift of fear”
Mechele, why do you think he will see your post??
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Jan7.
June 23, 2021 at 6:46 pm #65987
Honestly I have no idea why I am so paranoid about him seeing this or figuring out it’s me …I mean even if he did I have nothing to lose at this point. It all seems surreal or something, all these memories being triggered by things I’m reading, I feel creeped out and a little afraid. I guess it’s an awakening and an emotional upheaval for me like I don’t feel safe or something. Not that I am in any danger physically or anything. Evil is scary and the more I learn the more I can relate to the stories etc I know I’ll be okay I just want to be there already! 🙂
June 23, 2021 at 8:32 pm #65988
When your mind finally opens up to the truth…lots of emotions perculate up…it’s aweful to feel all the emotions all at once. Also, your mind, body & spirit are going thru the “grieving stages” (google these)…this too is awful.
I have never cried so much after leaving my ex…not because of “leaving” but, because all the feelings he manipulated me to push down all came up. I cried & cried & cried…sobbed endlessly…I remember thinking when is this going to end. I was not much of a crier prior to meeting him. But, after I left I cried endlessly for months.
then came the “angry stage”…which I hated because I’m not by nature a “angry person”..but, the shock & hurt really came up. I would just journal those feelings & tried ot stay away from other (lol)…didnt want to take out my anger on everyone else.
With time though all those emotions stopped & I moved back towards my old self prior to meeting him. It’ just happens one day. It’s odd process but, our minds, body & spirit do know how to heal. So feel the feelings. Journal, vent here, read everything here at lovefraud, donna’s books are great see her site home page. Lots of info.
Know that you are not alone…we hear you & are here for you.
Listen to your gut instinct when it comes to him…if you dont feel safe then let friends/family know, call the police etc. Just listen to your gut…he is a dangerous person and your gut instincts are clear as day now that you are free from him.
Wishing you all the best. 💜💜💜
June 23, 2021 at 8:39 pm #65989
ps focus on your health now. The stress of being in a emotional & Mental abusive relationship with a sociopath is extremely stressful to the body/mind.
I would recommend you get tested for vitamin/mineral deficiency = stress causes deficiency and this can cause depression/anxiety/panic attacks etc.
See Adrenal fatigue symptoms sites like Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org have good symtpoms list. My doctor gave me Dr Wilson’s adrneal fatigue vitimins when I left my ex as my adrenal glands were fatigue. Dr WIlson’s site is Adrenal fatigue .org They worked well to calm my body & mind down.
y t chans: Dr Berg, Dr Mindy Pelz, Dr Mark Hyman all have good info on vitimin & mineral deficiency videos.
Look up on their sites: Magnesium deficiency = this is a mineral that we need to naturally calm our bodies. ALso, look up “Epson salt baths benifits” with those doctor.you can find epson salt near your pharmacy section of your grocery store $6 a large bag. Read the label. But, check with your doctor first espcially if you take Rx drugs.
Zinc, D, C are some others that most adults are deficent in.
See Dr Daniel Amen y tube videos and his books (US library will have them).
June 23, 2021 at 9:17 pm #65990
Thank you so much for listening and letting me try to clear my head …I actually read the book Gift Of Fear many years ago….maybe I should read it again!
I am not in any danger he is currently working someone new ..I’m kind of relieved ..I will look into all the suggestions, I need to do something I can’t live like this. I won’t. ❤️🩹💜❤️🩹💜
June 23, 2021 at 9:52 pm #65991
Hi Mechele, you are so welcome. Donna & Terry have made this incredible site (Lovefraud) & support network…what a blessing for all of us to educate ourselves and to vent & connect with others who endured the same nightmare. Glad you found your way here & had the courage to post. This is a huge step in the healing process.
YES, it’s a perfect opportunity to heal while he is with his new supply. He may come boomaranging back into your life at a later date so be ready to not respond to his advances.
Follow the “No contact rule”…look this up here on LF & net.
Also, look up here on LF:
Gas lighting abuse
Sociopath smear campaign
You are stronger then you know. YES, keep reseraching here at lovefraud everything he did…there are text book terms for all his tactics.
Keep venting & asking questions here on LF.
June 23, 2021 at 11:43 pm #65992
also, look up:
“Idolize, devalue, discard”.
this is what ALL sociopaths do. Sounds like your ex did this to you also. If you take him back he will do this over & over again. It’s what these evil types do. So stay strong if he comes back & keep him out of your life by using the “No contact rule”.
June 24, 2021 at 12:23 am #65993
Mechele be careful with your money and don’t lend him anything or co-sign anything. You say he has always paid you back – well that is because he is playing the long con game.
That means he will be very trustworthy short term so you learn to trust him more so eventually he can con you for larger amounts long term. Same con artist strategy as Bernie Madoff: act very reliable and trust worthy short term so you can con people for larger amounts long term.
It’s a con man strategy. He is not actually trust worthy. He will screw you over eventually.
June 24, 2021 at 1:10 am #65994
Hmmm good point! It’s all so confusing but if that happens I will be more aware …I’m hoping we don’t resume a friendship that will give us enough time together for him to even ask.
He never asked for more than say $20 at a time and in 5 years maybe only a handful of times not that I mean to defend him in anyway it’s just the truth. So much to learn I have such a hard time believing people are inherently Evil not to say it’s not true it’s just hard to wrap my head around it and make it make sense
Not just in his case but anyone’s! Scary.
June 24, 2021 at 9:32 pm #66004
Mechele yes that is why it is so easy for sociopaths to con normal people. Because most normal people are naturally trusting and see the good in people and like to give people the benefit of the doubt and second chances etc.
All that natural trust and goodwill works wonderfully if you’re dealing with other normal trustworthy people who care about the law and about right and wrong and the rights and feelings of other people.
BUT SADLY when you’re dealing with a sociopath or other bad person that natural trust and goodwill becomes a huge liability because it makes you easy to manipulate and lie to and it makes you an easy target. Someone with bad intentions and no moral integrity will be naturally drawn to normal people who are trusting and kind and helpful and non judgmental etc. Because they are the easiest to con.
June 25, 2021 at 3:52 pm #66007
this is why it’s so important to kick these types to the curb and NEVER ever allow them back into your life not matter what con game they try. and, they will try everything.
never respond to them.
You just IGNORE THEM and follow the NO CONTACT RULE!!!
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