How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › 'you are too needy' – translation please
November 6, 2018 at 8:57 pm #47462
Please remind me what the psychopath is really saying when they tell their partner they are being too needy.
November 7, 2018 at 11:46 am #47466
If I could count how many times I heard that — and “You are being too sensitive”, “You misunderstood”, “I never said that.” All of these are deflections to make you doubt yourself – your truth, your perception…Gaslighting at it’s best. “Being needy” to a sociopath is code for “your needs are not as important as mine”. My guess is you heard this when the ‘spath was into other things and getting bored with you. They have to be in charge of everything – including your emotions…that is why they play this game – it gives them the power. Don’t buy into it. Take back YOUR power. Stay strong.
November 7, 2018 at 1:56 pm #47468
That’s helpful, thanks emilie18. ‘Your needs are not as important as mine’.
November 7, 2018 at 2:03 pm #47469
Simply put “you are too needy” means I don’t recognize anyone’s needs but my own. Full stop.
That is the real translation. The effect it is meant to cause is for the recipient to doubt themselves, try harder to please the abuser, and drop whatever need they have brought up.
Narcissists and sociopaths prefer to exert as little energy as possible on their targets, so these easy put downs are meant to quash any issue that would demand their expending said energy.
November 8, 2018 at 4:44 am #47479
Thanks Slimone. ‘ I don’t recognise anyone’s needs but my own’
November 8, 2018 at 7:38 pm #47485
When my ex psychopath used that phrase, he was blaming me for my normal reasonable expectations that he would fulfill his obligations, keep his promises and perform his role in the family. He was blaming me for my normal and reasonable expectations. He was avoiding accountability for his behavior, when he didn’t feel like considering others’ legitimate needs and feelings.
November 9, 2018 at 3:37 am #47490
Helpful, thanks AnnettePK. ‘I don’t feel like considering your legitimate needs and feelings.’
November 9, 2018 at 8:28 am #47491
freedomformdaughter – his objective is to wear down your daughter so she stops expecting anything from him. I hope she realizes it is all manipulation.
November 9, 2018 at 11:36 am #47493
And on a more subtle and more sinister level he is blaming his victim by telling her that she is wrong to expect that he treat her decently. He is twisting reality when he labels her normal expectations as a negative characteristic of being “too needy,” rather than acting in ways that meet her needs in the context of a normal relationship. He is blaming her for being normal and right.
November 10, 2018 at 1:56 am #47505
Thank you Donna. Well it is most unusual that she would tell us anything about the relationship, but she told my husband this. So maybe realisation is starting to set in…
Translation, ‘dont expect anything from me’
November 10, 2018 at 2:00 am #47506
Thank you AnnettePK, ‘you are wrong to expect me to treat you decently’
November 12, 2018 at 3:28 am #47531
Freedoomformydaughter, part of him saying this statement to her is also brain washing her intentionally to become “needy”, so she will not leave him. If someone says something negative over & over, we as humans will start to believe the words. He is breaking her sprite to control her from leaving him via mind control/brain washing.
Also, part of him saying to her she is “needy” is the fact that he has already made her dependent on him. Sociopath will start to control their mate right from the get go mentally. They will be very strong in their demands, but do it very stealthy. If your daughter wants to do something for example, he will say no or tell her she cant spend money or wear something she likes or visit her family…this behavior over and over forms a child/parent type relationship where the victim will become “needy” (the child) and the sociopath become the parent.
So she will get to a point she will not be able to think on her own with out the sociopath telling her what to do and what she is not allowed to do. example not talk to her family by telling her that they dont want “us together”. etc. This is ultimately what the sociopath wants and demands! Power & Control over their victim.
Not sure if Im putting this in words for you to understand.
But you just need to know that EVERYTHING he says to her is to control her mind just like a cult leader (him) does to his followers (her).
This is why you should read Steven Hassan’s book. He is a cult & domestic abuse expert. His book will guide you to opening up your daughters mind from the sociopaths brain washing & Mind control. If you do a search here on Lovefraud up at the top for Steven Hassan, you can read an book review Donna did on Hassan’s book.
For me when I left my ex h, a sociopath, I felt brain washed, even thought I knew nothing about brain washing. I asked my counselor if my ex was doing this to me during the marriage…she said YES!! That is exactly what he was doing to control you. That lead me on a internet search & Steven Hassan’s book. Reading the book was shocking…it was as if he was watching the marriage & what my ex did to me.
To help your daughter out of this abusive relationship you MUST ask her questions!!
Opening up her mind to what she is really dealing with that is how you will break her free from this abusive relationship. IF you TELL her that her relationship is abusive you will only bond her to the sociopath.
Wishing you all the best.
Steven Hassan’s site is Freedom of Mind Resource Center. Also, you should listen to Mary Ann Glynns monthly call in sessions. Donna just posted this today. Look at this. You will benefit from listening to other victims calling in & you can ask questions also.
You should be so proud of yourself for stepping up & education yourself on what your daughter is enduring. BRAVO…very few family members will take the time to do this even after the victim escapes their abuse. But this WILL help your daughter tremendously now & when she does escape.
November 20, 2018 at 5:15 pm #47605
It’s a way to manufacture insecurity in you. Most likely they did something shady and you had a normal human reaction.
Example: They withhold affection and ignore you for a week.
Wanting affection from your partner is not NEEDY it is a human response. And if someone withholds it for a week, it is normal to feel neglected and unimportant.
These are rational human responses to shitty behaviour, and sociopaths like to instead manufacture insecurity that was never there to begin with so you begin to doubt your feelings.
“You’re too needy”
Now you’re being conditioned to not speak aloud about your rational feelings because you dont want to come off as needy. Now the sociopath has succeeded in being able to continue their shady behaviour (in this example, ignoring you) and in shutting you up about it. The status quo is now managed to better suit them. Mission accomplished.
This is MANUFACTURED INSECURITY, meant to make you feel bad about yourself. It is NOT real. You are not needy, you had a normal human reaction and were manipulated into doubting it.
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