UPDATED FOR 2021: On this Valentines Day, if you’ve been previously devastated by a sociopath, you may wonder if you can ever love again. The answer is yes. And here’s a bit of wisdom that will help you decide if a new romantic partner is authentic and true: Real love is easy.
I am living proof. In February 2000, I was divorced from James Montgomery, who took a quarter of a million dollars from me, cheated throughout our brief two-and-a-half-year relationship, had a child with another woman while married to me, and then married that woman 10 days after I left him, committing bigamy. I was crushed.
After I left Montgomery, I had one nice relationship with a man, although it didn’t turn out to be permanent. He was normal, not disordered, and supportive of me. I was sad when the relationship ended, but it was a step along my path towards healing.
Then, in April 2001, I met Terry Kelly. We married in 2005 and yesterday we celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. The photo is a picture of the art glass heart that my husband gave me. It’s another one for my collection — I have art glass hearts all over the house.
After 16 years, we are still totally happy and in love. From our wonderful marriage I’ve learned the important truth: Real love is easy.
Signs of real love
In real love, there are no mind games. There is no manipulation. There are no guilt-producing accusations like, “Don’t you trust me?” or “Who are you sleeping with?” There is no pleading to be forgiven, no promises to never do it again, because there are no violations of trust that require forgiveness.
I do not wonder if my husband really loves me, because I know he does. I can feel it.
Here’s what you get in a true, loving relationship: Enjoyment of each other’s company. Honest caring for each other. Consideration of each other’s feelings. Real partnership—not a one-sided deal, with you as the giver and the other as the taker.
Sure, there problems that need to be solved. Guess what? Issues are resolved and life goes on. There is no drama.
I will say this—after the disaster of a marriage to a sociopath, I am highly appreciative of my new husband. He, too, was previously married, and although his ex wasn’t malicious, the relationship had become empty. So we both appreciate each other. In fact, we find joy in each other.
Making the transition
So how does this happen? How do you make the transition from wounded victim to a whole person ready for love?
As I’ve written before, I believe your emotional pain needs to be processed. When my heart was broken, it allowed all the trauma from my bad marriage, and all the pent-up pain from other disappointments in my life, to be released. Slowly, over time, it came flowing out, through tears, yelling, screaming and punching pillows.
You don’t want to inflict this display on other people—my releases were witnessed only by my therapist and my dog. And they really upset the dog.
The emotional release takes time, because we all have many layers of pain. But as the negative energy dissipates, there is room in your being for something else. That something else is love.
So if you’re in recovery after a run-in with a sociopath, give yourself time and permission to heal. Trust that you’ve learned the red flags of personality disorders, and by listening to your instincts, you won’t be deceived again. Believe that real love is possible, know that real love is easy, and someday, it will find you.
When you feel the snap, it’s time to escape the toxic relationship
Awww…..you look so beautiful and happy in that picture as does your husband.
I believe that as I am a caring, loving woman that the possibility of finding a man who is also caring & loving is more than likely. As long as I rely on my beloved intuition, my renewed self-respect, my erected boundaries and my valuable knowledge regarding predators and their nasty machinations I can and will find a good, decent, normal man who truly cares for me. The law of probability is in my favor. And one thing I am is stubborn. I absolutely refuse to allow bitterness and fear to take permanent residence in my heart. Uh-Uh…No way, jose!
Thank you for sharing your lovely wedding picture and your inspiring thoughts with LoveFraud. Greatly appreciated!
Nothing to say apart from to second that – you both look great. Beautiful photo. Lovely, elegant dress too!
A picture’s worth a thousand words. This picture really gives me hope. Thanks!
Dear Donna,
Yea, you are so right! REAL love isn’t painful.
My husband was not handsome like yours is, but he was so charming that women from 6 to 96 fell “in love” with him almost instantly, but never did I ever wonder when he was traveling on business who he was with–because if he wasn’t working he was on the phone with me. There was never a night that we spent apart that we didn’t talk on the phone for an hour or more, usually more, because each detail of our day was important to the other, and we discussed almost anything from politics to mechanics.
We each had our interests the other didn’t share, but even then we talked about them to each other.
We disagreed, but like you said “there was no drama” and no “meanness.”
Thanks for sharing your beautiful photo, and congratulations on finding the “real thing”—if anyone in the world deserves it, YOU and your handsome man DO!
Beautiful…..simply beautful…
Donna,
Thanks so much for sharing this. I need a little hope.
I was dating someone but it didn’t work out. In retrospect, we just weren’t clicking at all and I was being very paranoid. He was keeping things so casual and he didn’t understand all the things that were getting stirred up in me.
I really would like to meet someone. It has been almost 3 years since I left the Bad Man. I am still working on stablinzing the details of my life. And I am closing in on the debts I accrued in Hawaii. I can’t wait to put that behind me forever.
Anyway, thanks so much for sharing. I love the happy look on your face and the way your husband is looking at you. How sweet! I hope this happens for me sooner than later. I have waited a long time.
:o)
Aloha
alohatraveler….
I believe that as long as you keep your dream alive.. and be expectant, it will come to pass. If you are spiritual, then by all means give this to God above and let him work those details out as far as finding someone. He picks much better then us…. smiles… Be easy on yourself, get your ducks in order, and when it’s the right time….it will happen. You have worked so hard and have come so far….be patient, be expectant, be discerning, and most of all.. take God’s love and forgiveness…and give yourself the gift of your own love….Others will be able to see that in you…Confidence, self assurance, wisdom, and love…. those are the things that will bring to you the man who is befitting of your beautiful, wonderful love.
~Rick
Thanks Southernman… I needed that. :o)
Dear Donna,
Good luck and the best to both you and your husband. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
I know for myself, the next relationship I should get involved with I will insist both of us will be reading God’s word via the Bible daily for about a half hour per day. God will ensure that we are on the right track through God’s love, not man made ego and man made illusions of what man/women thinks is right or wrong. I will also ensure the new man in my life reads Tolle’s “A New Earth” just to understand how the ego takes on a life of it’s own.
God Bless you Both
I, too, after a 32-year marriage to someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, have remarried. So I, also, know it is possible to have a REAL relationship after the devastation of living with a liar and a manipulator.
It took a couple of years of really intense therapy to work through what my ex had done to me but I determined that I would come out on the other side of that trauma without bitterness and without believing that all men were pigs, LOL. I, also, wept a LOT of tears and had to delve into a lot of my own issues, but it was well worth the pain of those months and months of therapy. When I met my husband, I was standing on my own two feet and in my own truth.
I cannot even begin to explain the difference between this marriage and the 32 years of living with the jerk. It is a marriage based on mutual love and acceptance. He doesn’t expect me to be perfect, he doesn’t expect me to make him happy, he doesn’t expect me to always be supportive and accepting. And I have no such expectations of him. We are two imperfect people who still find each other loveable and that was an amazing discovery for me. Living with a psychopath, you are not allowed to ever show any kind of imperfection so you live your life twisting and turning yourself into a pretzel in order to please and you NEVER achieve your goal – being loved just for yourself. That is because the issues are NOT in your unloveableness, but in the other person’s inability to love.
Honey