UPDATED FOR 2021: On this Valentines Day, if you’ve been previously devastated by a sociopath, you may wonder if you can ever love again. The answer is yes. And here’s a bit of wisdom that will help you decide if a new romantic partner is authentic and true: Real love is easy.
I am living proof. In February 2000, I was divorced from James Montgomery, who took a quarter of a million dollars from me, cheated throughout our brief two-and-a-half-year relationship, had a child with another woman while married to me, and then married that woman 10 days after I left him, committing bigamy. I was crushed.
After I left Montgomery, I had one nice relationship with a man, although it didn’t turn out to be permanent. He was normal, not disordered, and supportive of me. I was sad when the relationship ended, but it was a step along my path towards healing.
Then, in April 2001, I met Terry Kelly. We married in 2005 and yesterday we celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. The photo is a picture of the art glass heart that my husband gave me. It’s another one for my collection — I have art glass hearts all over the house.
After 16 years, we are still totally happy and in love. From our wonderful marriage I’ve learned the important truth: Real love is easy.
Signs of real love
In real love, there are no mind games. There is no manipulation. There are no guilt-producing accusations like, “Don’t you trust me?” or “Who are you sleeping with?” There is no pleading to be forgiven, no promises to never do it again, because there are no violations of trust that require forgiveness.
I do not wonder if my husband really loves me, because I know he does. I can feel it.
Here’s what you get in a true, loving relationship: Enjoyment of each other’s company. Honest caring for each other. Consideration of each other’s feelings. Real partnership—not a one-sided deal, with you as the giver and the other as the taker.
Sure, there problems that need to be solved. Guess what? Issues are resolved and life goes on. There is no drama.
I will say this—after the disaster of a marriage to a sociopath, I am highly appreciative of my new husband. He, too, was previously married, and although his ex wasn’t malicious, the relationship had become empty. So we both appreciate each other. In fact, we find joy in each other.
Making the transition
So how does this happen? How do you make the transition from wounded victim to a whole person ready for love?
As I’ve written before, I believe your emotional pain needs to be processed. When my heart was broken, it allowed all the trauma from my bad marriage, and all the pent-up pain from other disappointments in my life, to be released. Slowly, over time, it came flowing out, through tears, yelling, screaming and punching pillows.
You don’t want to inflict this display on other people—my releases were witnessed only by my therapist and my dog. And they really upset the dog.
The emotional release takes time, because we all have many layers of pain. But as the negative energy dissipates, there is room in your being for something else. That something else is love.
So if you’re in recovery after a run-in with a sociopath, give yourself time and permission to heal. Trust that you’ve learned the red flags of personality disorders, and by listening to your instincts, you won’t be deceived again. Believe that real love is possible, know that real love is easy, and someday, it will find you.
When you feel the snap, it’s time to escape the toxic relationship
iradessa
I needed that. I have been craving to hear a victory story. That we go through this and we can still live they cannot take that from us. I have gone through so much over the past 9 1/2 years in dealing with this man. We were divorced 41/2 years ago and that didn’t heal me right away. I needed the time and it is taking some doing on my end. But I am willing to do what needs to be done for me. My children and I are worth it today. Always were. I am so happy for you that you found true love. You are a ray of hope for us all and you were very responsible, noble in sharing thank you.
sinus25
beauty, i have left her in december, my inside is more full, now im with another woman, yes..we all will be happy:)
selena
you haveno idea how much your story is saving me. I got out fast and I know I am a lucky girl. the fact that he wanted to marry me so quickly was such a tip off. The only reason I didnt marry “the evil one” was the fact that the warrent out for his arrest got him before I walked down the isle. He is not the first sociopath ive loved. Your site is teaching me so much about real love and how I got trapped in the first place. Im so happy for you that you have good love now. I hope to heal and get healthy enough to have that someday. I seriously love all of us. We are beautiful souls who have been shown the truth. Thank you for the hope after the tears and anger.
Benzthere
1Co 13:13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love (NLT). Thank you for your inspiration, God’s blessings to you both!
Benz
alohatraveler
Wow Free! You made me cry with just a few lines.
It was better for me to just let this man go and I had been thinking of asking him to not contact me anymore but he beat me to the punch. He sent an email that said, “Please don’t contact me. I am sorry things worked out this way.” Well, that did not feel good at all especially in the context of what “no contact” means to us here.. It means the person on the other end is nuts. I had to sit with that for a few days.
I started wondering, am I disordered? My lifelong friends assured me I am not.
But this man, right from the first time I met him, was akward. WE were akward together. Almost every interaction left me feeling somehow kind of rejected. Like he sounded bored on the phone so I would wait until he called me… then he would STILL sound bored and cut conversations short. He kept our dates really short too. I started to think “to hell with it” and just when I was forgetting about him, the late night text message would come “just checking in.” Checking in on what? I would classify this as the most non-relationship relationship I have ever had. His delight in me was underwhelming to say the least. Like there was nothing to bounce off of… Try flirting with a manequin. Not much coming back at you and you feel kind of silly, right?
So, in the context of Donna’s premise above… it was not easy being around this person. It wasn’t all that difficult either. It was just nothing. There was no energy there. Nothing at all. And I kept wondering constantly, “Is he boring? Or am I?” I certainly didn’t feel loved. I wasn’t even sure if he liked me.
Why didn’t I tell him that it wasn’t working out? It really wasn’t.
I don’t think there was anything disordered about him. I just think we weren’t a match but neither of us would say so.
I need to be willing to say “this isn’t working out for me” even when there is nothing new on the horizon. I need to have faith that someone will come along when I am ready.
That is probably my biggest struggle right now… having hope for that.
Anyway, thanks for the pep talk. I do appreaciate it!
Beverly
Dear AloaT, I remember when you mentioned him before that you felt out of sync with him. You said he acted bored. Well, my ex Narcissist wasnt like that at first, he lovebombed me then he was exactly like that – putting no energy into the relationship and being bored with anything to do with me, that is narcissistic behaviour. I know that the ending of any relationship can be uncomfortable, but look at it Aloa that you gave clear NO GO signals to someone who was not right for you. Sometimes, when we say NO to what is unsuitable, this opens the door for our YES. You know in your heart of hearts that you deserve at the very least, someone who is interested in you for you.
blondie
im just wondering if anyone has ever felt like this?
after i dicovered another lie by my sociopath, it just felt like oh im used to this, same shit again. it doest even hurt anymore bc im so used to the lies and the cycle. i think im hurt under all this pain, but i cant find it. once i found out the truth it all made since. and all the lies finally added up in my head, like ever thing i suspected came to light. since i finally said i had enought of you lying to me and cheating on me and left him, i really havent cryed. i feel sad, but also feel like im just used to him hurting me like this.
Ox Drover
Blondie,
I have felt:
Anger
RAge
confusion
sadness
alone
lonely
betrayed
afraid
terrorized
depression’
resigned
acceptence
rebellion
vengeful
contrite
repentent
duped
dumb
stupid
embarassed
shameful
unloved
unloveable
and probably some more that I can’t even remember right now, but it sounds like you just feel numb—and maybe that’s part of it. I guess just “resigned” and “numb”—maybe those are the feelings—it really IS hard to describe feelings isn’t it?
But, maybe after a while, you do “get used to” being hurt, but I don’t think that makes it hurt any less.
For now, don’t worry about what you feel, just take care of yourself, you’ll get to “try out” all the other feelings in the world as you bounce around through the healing, but they are all toward getting better, getting back on your feet and LOVING YOURSELF AGAIN. (((HUGS))))
EMJ170ORD
Aloha T,
Another reason why this site is great. Everybody mentions something I can relate too, and it helps each other knowing that we aren’t alone. I thought it was strange that I always did all the talking. He would call – I’d tell about my day – there was silence on his part – it was like pulling teeth to find out anything from him – and then the conversation was over. I would get off the phone and wonder what just happened. Same thing when we were together. I thought how strange to be with someone who claims to love you, but never wants to touch you. I too felt like a manaquin. At the end I told him I felt like one of those women in a porno movie – just a body being used. Little did I know then, how right I really was. All the mysteries have been solved and it is a great feeling to know that I was NOT off my rocker, and yes something very strange, and wrong, was going on. It now has a name, Sociopath! I am still a healing work in progress. We will get through this!!
apt/mgr
I, too, felt like I was having a conversation with a window dummy. It was. Minus the window. The man I met who I truly believed was going to provide a real life for me and my children, turned out to be just what you describe. I wondered what is wrong with this picture? I would ask him about something, and all I’d get for my effort was a vague answer or just a shrug. This man paid so much attention to me at first that I knew it had to be real.
Then his mask kept slipping and I was avoiding facing the truth, because I was so afraid I was right. And I was. “To thine own self be true”. I realize now the reason he focused so intently on me at that time, is because I was so enamored by him and he ate that up, and spent the time away, figuring a way to get money out of me, which he did. There was no sex, but he knew I was attracted to him. When I told him I wanted my money back, he suggested we exchange sex for the money. I was floored. I’ve since found out that that is his modus operandi. I was just a chump he could use to play out his sick mind games, because I was so naive and vulnerable I didn’t see through. I would end up apologizing for something he did. Because we only saw each other as friends, I didn’t see the real him. I only saw him in one setting, but soon looked behind the scenes and found what I wished I had to begin with. I was spared the whole routine of going with him, marrying him, to only divorce him, like all the others. Boy I was a chump. But I lived and learned, and found out he’s the one with the problem. He has to live with himself. His looks are leaving, but I think with men like that, some women don’t care. He still has the gift of charm to manipulate.