UPDATED FOR 2021: On this Valentines Day, if you’ve been previously devastated by a sociopath, you may wonder if you can ever love again. The answer is yes. And here’s a bit of wisdom that will help you decide if a new romantic partner is authentic and true: Real love is easy.
I am living proof. In February 2000, I was divorced from James Montgomery, who took a quarter of a million dollars from me, cheated throughout our brief two-and-a-half-year relationship, had a child with another woman while married to me, and then married that woman 10 days after I left him, committing bigamy. I was crushed.
After I left Montgomery, I had one nice relationship with a man, although it didn’t turn out to be permanent. He was normal, not disordered, and supportive of me. I was sad when the relationship ended, but it was a step along my path towards healing.
Then, in April 2001, I met Terry Kelly. We married in 2005 and yesterday we celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. The photo is a picture of the art glass heart that my husband gave me. It’s another one for my collection — I have art glass hearts all over the house.
After 16 years, we are still totally happy and in love. From our wonderful marriage I’ve learned the important truth: Real love is easy.
Signs of real love
In real love, there are no mind games. There is no manipulation. There are no guilt-producing accusations like, “Don’t you trust me?” or “Who are you sleeping with?” There is no pleading to be forgiven, no promises to never do it again, because there are no violations of trust that require forgiveness.
I do not wonder if my husband really loves me, because I know he does. I can feel it.
Here’s what you get in a true, loving relationship: Enjoyment of each other’s company. Honest caring for each other. Consideration of each other’s feelings. Real partnership—not a one-sided deal, with you as the giver and the other as the taker.
Sure, there problems that need to be solved. Guess what? Issues are resolved and life goes on. There is no drama.
I will say this—after the disaster of a marriage to a sociopath, I am highly appreciative of my new husband. He, too, was previously married, and although his ex wasn’t malicious, the relationship had become empty. So we both appreciate each other. In fact, we find joy in each other.
Making the transition
So how does this happen? How do you make the transition from wounded victim to a whole person ready for love?
As I’ve written before, I believe your emotional pain needs to be processed. When my heart was broken, it allowed all the trauma from my bad marriage, and all the pent-up pain from other disappointments in my life, to be released. Slowly, over time, it came flowing out, through tears, yelling, screaming and punching pillows.
You don’t want to inflict this display on other people—my releases were witnessed only by my therapist and my dog. And they really upset the dog.
The emotional release takes time, because we all have many layers of pain. But as the negative energy dissipates, there is room in your being for something else. That something else is love.
So if you’re in recovery after a run-in with a sociopath, give yourself time and permission to heal. Trust that you’ve learned the red flags of personality disorders, and by listening to your instincts, you won’t be deceived again. Believe that real love is possible, know that real love is easy, and someday, it will find you.
When you feel the snap, it’s time to escape the toxic relationship
Apt/Mgr
What is it about charm that is so magical? I can’t put my finger on it and, indeed, it may be indefinable. I would just love to unlock that mystery.
Any guesses anybody?
Look at some of the big stars. Hugh Hefner comes to mind. They grow old, still have money and charm, and the girls swarm around them. I wish I knew too. Is it their stature, voice, the way they dress? I don’t know. I know that it’s been harder to break away from a measly friendship with this knight-mare, than from my marriage, that lasted the most of my life, so far. The use their assets for all the wrong reasons and really don’t care if they get rejected, because they know there’s another around the corner just waiting for someone like him. They couldn’t care less if they were loved, because they know they can get that anywhere. They know how to make a woman fall in love, but they, themselves don’t need it. They just need the thrill of knowing another bit the dust.
What makes me sick inside, is that I was so weak and vulnerable. This man could never have even formed a friendship with me, had my husband wanted me. In my work, since ’91, I’ve met hundreds of men looking for an apartment and he was the only one who turned my head. I want to rant and rave at God and say why me? Why couldn’t I have had someone who knew how to do life and didn’t play such stupid games. It’s like to them the only way to prevent boredom was to play mind games. Once the woman caught on, they grew bored and had to find their next victim. The older ones seek out the younger thinking they haven’t been around and learned the ways yet. I wish the word could get out. But these men have such a way about them, they could convince anyone they are sincere.
As bad as my marriage was, I think I could say this friendship is one thing I regret. I regret that I was so blind-sided and allowed him free reign with my feelings and money. I think that’s what frustrates me most days. I want to take it all back and redo and know, of course I can’t. There’s just that evil in me that would like to see him humbled somehow.
All in all, it just disappoints me there are so few real men that I’ve met. Maybe some are, but they just don’t appeal to me. I still have my standards and teeth are one of them! But life keeps on keeping on.
Yes, I think teeth are good 🙂
eyesopened,
The charm is… charming. Like Shirley Temple. You just can’t help but like her.
A friend once told me, “The way we feel about someone is directly related to the way they make us feel about ourselves.”
When someone is doing their charm act, they make you feel like you are the most delightful, interesting, adorable, sexy, blah blah blah, person that ever lived. Once they get you batting your eye lashes and believing it.. even if it is just for a moment, they don’t have to charm you anymore. Then… they pull the rug out from under you and you will do anything to feel that way… ABOUT YOURSELF… again.
That is why being with a Sociopath or any pathological partner of these sorts leads us back to ourselves. How they made us feel, points exactly at the sore spot in our being.
I know this and yet I STILL look for a man that will make me feel better about myself. This last man made me feel like a pile of crap every time we interacted because he seemed SO UNINTERESTED IN ME. I kept trying to be my sweet, interesting, kind hearted, blah blah self but no matter what… it was flat line city.
I don’t want to write a bunch about this man but he is not disordered. I am sure of this. And I know he felt confused about my questioning his motives and wondering out loud if I was being toyed with. I think that is why he called it quits. The problem for me was the silence.. the more silence the more I start filling in the gaps with crap. And my thoughts were running amuck. He said, “Whether I call you or don’t call you, I just can’t win.” If he didn’t call, I felt abandond and if he did call and sound bored out his mind, I felt rejected. But I continued to try and bounce off of nothing. We made a mistake. We should have just met for coffee once and admitted there was nothing there for either of us and left it at that.
But, I didn’t and he didn’t and so we dragged out the most boring “relationship” until we were both pondering saying something like.. let’s just pretend this never happened. As I said before, he said it before I did.
This was just more of my lesson until I get it….
I am nice , kind hearted, a good gal, fun, a “quality woman” and blah blah… even if everyone doesn’t think so.
Back to the salt mines for me… I still have work to do.
Somehow, I think there must be something more intoxicating, more ethereal to charm than just making us feel special…sort of like fairy dust that they sprinkle on us. I wish I knew what the mysterious ingredients are.
There are lots of people who make me feel special and interesting, but the one who bewitched me, captivated …and captured….me.
All of a sudden, the Prince Charming of fairy tales, doesn’t seem so innocent.
I don’t think there is anything magical about it once you understand it.
The Bad Man used to be a Minister. When we would go to a religious event, he explained that there was a formula to getting people to come down to the alter… the alter call. Some people call it the holy spirit.. the Bad Man told me you learn it in school to be a Minister.
Think about it. It’s like an infomercial. Don’t they make us want that thing so bad?! No fairy dust involved.
That, of course, is just my opinion.
Aloha, I have been reading through a book that’s kind of interesting.”Smart women, Foolish Choices, Finding the Right men and avoiding the worng ones” Dr. Cowan and Dr. Kinder,
It doesn’t specifically “name” psychopaths and Narcissists, but it does describe them, and how the SUCK US IN with their “plays” that are “by the book” on how to hook us, just like you said your Bad Man would suck in people in the audience with his “sales pitch” for Jesus.
All salesmen have ways to make us WANT the product they are selling. They play to our wants, needs, emotions, desires, etc. The Dale Carnigae course “How to Win Friends and Influence People” which is an OLD sales technique is a great tool to use to learn how to persuade people to do what YOU want them to—buy their product or climb into bed with them.
The book also talks about how we find the “bad boy” image more alluring because we get a “thrill” out of the WANTING and persuing love, more than the HAVING love. So the Ps play to this aspect of our own psyche and use it against us. They play the “you’re wonderful” card along with the “slightly distant card” and we are off chasing them like a Greyhound after the rabbit–then THEY CATCH US and the game changes!
There are so many aspects to our personalities, our lack of boundaries, our gullibility, our kindness and our caring natures, and factor in their predatory natures and it is just another case of PREDATOR and PREY. We are their natural prey and they are our natural predators unless we get lucky and just happen to miss them as we skip along in life.
Of course some of them are “slicker” at it than others, and some more ruthless than others, but the bottom line is that they are ALL predators, and because we are NOT predators, not killers, WE ARE PREY. True, we may fight back, a cow is a prey animal, but she may fight like hades when she is cornered, and sometime she may get lucky and gore or kick the predator and injure or kill him, but she will never be a predator, she will always be only on the DEFENSIVE to defend herself, her calf and her herd from the predator.
I won’t say that given the right circumstances I wouldn’t kill to protect myself, I am 99.9% sure I would, but I am NOT a predator any more than the cow is. I won’t go out stalking the Ps, I won’t seek them out to kill them any more than the cow would stalk the wolf. The rabbit isn’t capable of killing the fox or the wolf, or even the cat, it’s only defense is to run and hide from the predator. Some people aren’t capable of defending themselves, or wouldn’t defend themselves with deadly force even if they were cornered.
We have all been in a “fight” with the predators and we have been wounded to one degree or another, but we are healing, and one of the very best things about the encounters is that we will NEVER forget the lessons we have learned. We will be wary and cautious and more aware, we will not negate our own gut senses that there is a predator in the area, and we will disengage with them before they have a chance to snare us again. We are MUCH WISER NOW, and we know that we don’t ever want to be in the clutches of a predator again!
i love this blog. this is exactly what i was just asking to hear. thank you very much, donna.
Dear OxDrover,
It’s funny you should mention the Dale Carnegie course. The ex-friend I’ve mentioned, wanted me to read those courses. He thought I was approaching life in a negative manner. I realize now that he uses other people’s ways to approach life and not something within him. I told him I’m a very positive person who’s been slapped with so much negative and I’ve spent the most of my life trying to turn a negative into a positive. He likes to think and will expound on his virtues of positiveness, when he’s the one who plays mind games, is rude, arrogant, obnoxious, curt, abrupt, etc. He thinks he’s right all the time. At one time he accused me of always wanting to be right. I said I’d just like to be right once.
I don’t know what all he learned from those courses, but I handed him back his books. If they taught me what they taught him, no thanks. I’ve always believed God is the purveyor of the positive and if I would follow his precepts for living, I could do the norm. That works for me, but not as far as relating to others. I’ve been handed a truck load of negative actions. I told this friend for every action there is a reaction and if he doesn’t like the way I react, then he needed to change his action. You don’t treat another person like a non-entity to get anywhere. But he is a classic manipulator and he knows all the moves. They worked on me for a spell, but suddenly the light dawned and I saw first hand what I suspected.
As sad as it is, we really do need to constantly be on the alert. There is someone out here who wants to rob us of our joy. I see a common thread of all who write here and that is a keen sense of humor. Proverbs talks of a merry heart as good medicine. Once we get past the initial hurt, to survive, I think we need to laugh in the face of this evil that pervaded our space. I see that here. Once the dust settled, we can see how we’ve been taken, and we turn it around and use it as an object lesson. I’ve been asked if I hate the ones who tried to break me. I said no way. I don’t hate them. I can hate what they did to me, but maybe they are the ones who are counted in the crowd when Christ asked God to forgive them since they didn’t know what they were doing. They still walk in darkness, doing the deeds of the dark. Someday, hopefully, they will be exposed and finally realize the extent of the damage they caused to lots of hearts. And then again, maybe not.