UPDATED FOR 2021: On this Valentines Day, if you’ve been previously devastated by a sociopath, you may wonder if you can ever love again. The answer is yes. And here’s a bit of wisdom that will help you decide if a new romantic partner is authentic and true: Real love is easy.
I am living proof. In February 2000, I was divorced from James Montgomery, who took a quarter of a million dollars from me, cheated throughout our brief two-and-a-half-year relationship, had a child with another woman while married to me, and then married that woman 10 days after I left him, committing bigamy. I was crushed.
After I left Montgomery, I had one nice relationship with a man, although it didn’t turn out to be permanent. He was normal, not disordered, and supportive of me. I was sad when the relationship ended, but it was a step along my path towards healing.
Then, in April 2001, I met Terry Kelly. We married in 2005 and yesterday we celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. The photo is a picture of the art glass heart that my husband gave me. It’s another one for my collection — I have art glass hearts all over the house.
After 16 years, we are still totally happy and in love. From our wonderful marriage I’ve learned the important truth: Real love is easy.
Signs of real love
In real love, there are no mind games. There is no manipulation. There are no guilt-producing accusations like, “Don’t you trust me?” or “Who are you sleeping with?” There is no pleading to be forgiven, no promises to never do it again, because there are no violations of trust that require forgiveness.
I do not wonder if my husband really loves me, because I know he does. I can feel it.
Here’s what you get in a true, loving relationship: Enjoyment of each other’s company. Honest caring for each other. Consideration of each other’s feelings. Real partnership—not a one-sided deal, with you as the giver and the other as the taker.
Sure, there problems that need to be solved. Guess what? Issues are resolved and life goes on. There is no drama.
I will say this—after the disaster of a marriage to a sociopath, I am highly appreciative of my new husband. He, too, was previously married, and although his ex wasn’t malicious, the relationship had become empty. So we both appreciate each other. In fact, we find joy in each other.
Making the transition
So how does this happen? How do you make the transition from wounded victim to a whole person ready for love?
As I’ve written before, I believe your emotional pain needs to be processed. When my heart was broken, it allowed all the trauma from my bad marriage, and all the pent-up pain from other disappointments in my life, to be released. Slowly, over time, it came flowing out, through tears, yelling, screaming and punching pillows.
You don’t want to inflict this display on other people—my releases were witnessed only by my therapist and my dog. And they really upset the dog.
The emotional release takes time, because we all have many layers of pain. But as the negative energy dissipates, there is room in your being for something else. That something else is love.
So if you’re in recovery after a run-in with a sociopath, give yourself time and permission to heal. Trust that you’ve learned the red flags of personality disorders, and by listening to your instincts, you won’t be deceived again. Believe that real love is possible, know that real love is easy, and someday, it will find you.
When you feel the snap, it’s time to escape the toxic relationship
ok it’s a date, i like lot’s of butter on my popcorn!!!!
Now I’ve heard of everything, a cyber DATE! LOL you guys are tooo much! LOL Great, actually!
Dear Blondie,
NO CONTACT—it is the only way. It is like they KNOW how to lure you in and if you allow them near they will play on your heart strings, but their only intentions are EVIL and CONTROL. YOU KNOW that, you CAN RESIST THAT–take back your power, don’t listen to his Siren Song. BE STRONG, just for ONE day. Hugs and prayers for your strength.
Blondie,
I hear you. Two days ago, eight months after I found out my S was living with a woman and had been for years, eight months after he denied it to my face then dropped off the face of the earth, I just got a long email from him, saying just about everything I’d longed to hear. I’m the most wonderful, beautiful woman he’s ever met and the time he spent with me was the happiest in his life, etc. etc. It’s tearing me up, but someone would have to get a gun and shoot me in the head before I’d answer him. Because that’d be what I’d be doing to myself if I did. A little sweet talk doesn’t erase the nastiness of what he’s done. Talk is cheap and so is texting.
You know what’ll help you get through? Get ahold of that old Gloria Gaynor song “I Will Survive” and play it about 250 times:
>
Hang in there. You’ll be victorious and happy and loved down the line, and so will I.
good for you lesley…i wish i had done that…but from now on i will
thank you everyone for all the support. its what i needed. to here everyone stories, makes me feel like im not so alone. everyday is so hard. to think there are such horrible people in the world just make me sick. just keep me in your prayers, so i can make it out of it this time!
I’ll pray for you, Blondie.
I am so taken aback and finally so clear on what I was dealing with for 7 years. Blondie..oddly enough, so am I- and I almost wonder if you and I know the same person and not each other…maybe I just identify far too entirely with your emotional upheaval and your story that has stuck out in my mind since the first second I layed eyes on it. IT IS IDENTICAL. I’m sure in fact by reading, the other monstrosity of complete deceit you don’t include..I can feel because it leads my mind to memories of countless pain I couldn’t list after many many years…including marriage, unpaid loans, living off of me, babies I dont have I never got to mourn(it was ALL about him), your the most beautiful woman in the world/your ugly, emotional, manipulative abuse, verbal abuse, physical(never admits to it), empty promises, taking my money, leaving me for dead, begging and pleading it will never happen again and laughing in my face when asked about various suspicious women(never admitted to that either…he knew that was all I needed to know to leave-mind games or not) lying,dissapearing entirely, throwing me away, not paying back student loans my retired grandparents co-signed for, being precious and thankful to being a scary tyrant from hell, controlling, smear campaigns around town to make me look crazy, did I mention crocodile tears?????!!!!!!!! The list goes on. Derek Anderson is a complete monster and sheer evil at its sickest. I truly loved this man and feel so wrong for thinking it was ever real, especially knowing now that it never was. What did I love? A ficticious shell of inhumane abilities that were inconceivable to me or any other normally functioning human being in the free world. I’ve got a lot of healing to do. I virtually MUST start over in every aspect of my life….My best friend for 12 years was his sister and biggest enabler..she sold me out when I gave an incling of information on my anxiety ridden and detached behavior and refused to believe it calling me a liar and giving him fuel to further abuse me. I was hoping for support and clarity considering he used to beat her black and blue. I SO SO SO much want to expose this person for all of the evil that he is and my years of (though I sometimes spoke of it) virtual, controlled, depressed, hopeful, silence!!!! It is enraging and I cannot stop crying as he goes on his merry way as though I never existed…except he deserves an oscar when he needs sympathy-turns those tears right on. I should’ve known. Though I’m trying to believe for myself, none of us are stupid, like we’ve been made to feel. These people are 100% defective, I know. I pray constantly that GOD will release me from the warzone in my head and my completely shattered heart so that I can do something I have yet to have been able to do in my 29 years of life….FOCUS ON ME, instead being expected to “fix” a sociopathic, lying, sick, pig, bastard that pretends to be oblivious to my crying after he pacifies me with promises and immediately YANKS VIOLENTLY the calm from within me. They enjoy your complete genuine anguish. It astounds me the ability they have to play games so violently with everything that you are like a suck-u-take-ubus from the depths of hell..
using your prayer and desperation and spirituality to make more promises as though they even posses the ability to live that life in any honorable way in which it was intended….they use counceling and your last resort of therapy to further frame you and deplete any resource of self worth you may have. I must say after that degree of beatdown of every fundamental element of humanity, I was completely suicidal…til I realized he’d rather see me dead than happy.
heather
I’m here for you. i feel your pain.anytime you want to talk im here. everything they do is about THEM. they only do things if they get something out of it. its kinda sad. i know its hard for you but you have to focus on you. thats what im trying to do. im doing this all alone. i as well like you have to rebuild my life, he was my whole life, and now i have nothing. it hurts to know i dont have anyone to cry to, or talk to about what is happening in my life. i dont really have a support system.
i will keep you in my prays, take it one day at a time.
Thank you blondie….I based my entire life around this person too and have even tried to leave on a number of occasions to “start over” and literally could not find the strength I needed when my entire world and love was obliterated…it was so easy for him to be back in my life making empty easy promises with seemingly so much conviction. AND…the guilt, oh the guilt that I have felt was the most stammering prevention that in my mind, I could do everything I possibly could to “make this work.”
It has taken me sooo long to admit or even be able to wrap my mind around him particularly, having no consience…I know other people may not but I DID NOT want to admit the man I loved more than anything was one of them-even enjoying my pain after I had been served my “dose” of hatred and betrayal…leaving me crying and accusing ME of being cruel when all I had to do was point out that what he had done or said was so hurtful.
Everything was a projection…anything he ever did or was-he would accuse me of.. I had lost my sense of self thinking I was the bad person that “made” him treat me like garbage. I believe its what is called the mindf*ck(for like of a more perfect word)
Admittedly, it takes a lot to get me pissed but when I am, its less than what someone defending their sick game could even tolerate to hear. Betrayal and cruelty to me is inarguable for excuses and the fury inside of me that would build while having to listen to why ALL of his actions were My fault for being who I am was the most exhausting, defeating, horrifictly hurtful experience of my life. I guess I kept thinking that if I explained it to him he would recognize how selfishly twisted he is and not want to hurt me anymore. NOPE.
I put up a hardcore, determined fight to save a relationship that only mattered to me. Now I have nothing and had to completely remove myself from any of the people that I have considered “friends” my whole life so far. I am taking this one day at a time and all the while being aware that the vunerability I try to hide from people I dont know could be a dead give away to another sociopath. I am pretty petrified to trust anyone after this and the fact that I will eventually have new friends makes that even scarier.
There are so many things going on in my mind and in my heart that I just feel completely physically raw.
I guess we are all here to be each others support systems because before I found this site and all the other links to help me heal and solidify what I knew in my heart was true by seeing EVERY sign written and every story similar….I really truly thought I was going to lose my mind!!!!
ONE DAY!!!! They are going to die, we all are and maybe their hell will be sitting in front of a television screen feeling like their victims did and watching every single second of life and the hell and anguish and lies and deception they put us through crawl by, for all of eternity they must finally feel all the pain they caused and watch themselves do it, while they physically and emotionally feel our hearts break while we STILL bothered to love them…. over and over and over.
heather
I swear on my life we were dating the same man! oh geez! your story is the same as mind its kinda creepy. i have had to let go of friends that i thought i had, they were mostly his friends, but i can not have any contact with anyone that is connected to him. i always felt like i was being mindF***. everything is turned around on me, like he never did any of those hurtful things. like well “im sorry you feel that way” what the hell is that. they just dont care how you feel. it was also one of those guys who i never felt i knew what he was up to or doing. like he life was always hidden. like if he said oh iam going to the game with so and so or iam going out with so and so, and i never believe it, and he would say do u want me to call you, and prove to you. then he would call from the bathroom or away from who his was with. it disgust me how freaking serective they are. they dont even know how to build trust they dont get it, its like banging your head againest a wall. i give up
take care hun!