UPDATED FOR 2021: On this Valentines Day, if you’ve been previously devastated by a sociopath, you may wonder if you can ever love again. The answer is yes. And here’s a bit of wisdom that will help you decide if a new romantic partner is authentic and true: Real love is easy.
I am living proof. In February 2000, I was divorced from James Montgomery, who took a quarter of a million dollars from me, cheated throughout our brief two-and-a-half-year relationship, had a child with another woman while married to me, and then married that woman 10 days after I left him, committing bigamy. I was crushed.
After I left Montgomery, I had one nice relationship with a man, although it didn’t turn out to be permanent. He was normal, not disordered, and supportive of me. I was sad when the relationship ended, but it was a step along my path towards healing.
Then, in April 2001, I met Terry Kelly. We married in 2005 and yesterday we celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. The photo is a picture of the art glass heart that my husband gave me. It’s another one for my collection — I have art glass hearts all over the house.
After 16 years, we are still totally happy and in love. From our wonderful marriage I’ve learned the important truth: Real love is easy.
Signs of real love
In real love, there are no mind games. There is no manipulation. There are no guilt-producing accusations like, “Don’t you trust me?” or “Who are you sleeping with?” There is no pleading to be forgiven, no promises to never do it again, because there are no violations of trust that require forgiveness.
I do not wonder if my husband really loves me, because I know he does. I can feel it.
Here’s what you get in a true, loving relationship: Enjoyment of each other’s company. Honest caring for each other. Consideration of each other’s feelings. Real partnership—not a one-sided deal, with you as the giver and the other as the taker.
Sure, there problems that need to be solved. Guess what? Issues are resolved and life goes on. There is no drama.
I will say this—after the disaster of a marriage to a sociopath, I am highly appreciative of my new husband. He, too, was previously married, and although his ex wasn’t malicious, the relationship had become empty. So we both appreciate each other. In fact, we find joy in each other.
Making the transition
So how does this happen? How do you make the transition from wounded victim to a whole person ready for love?
As I’ve written before, I believe your emotional pain needs to be processed. When my heart was broken, it allowed all the trauma from my bad marriage, and all the pent-up pain from other disappointments in my life, to be released. Slowly, over time, it came flowing out, through tears, yelling, screaming and punching pillows.
You don’t want to inflict this display on other people—my releases were witnessed only by my therapist and my dog. And they really upset the dog.
The emotional release takes time, because we all have many layers of pain. But as the negative energy dissipates, there is room in your being for something else. That something else is love.
So if you’re in recovery after a run-in with a sociopath, give yourself time and permission to heal. Trust that you’ve learned the red flags of personality disorders, and by listening to your instincts, you won’t be deceived again. Believe that real love is possible, know that real love is easy, and someday, it will find you.
When you feel the snap, it’s time to escape the toxic relationship
Dear Heather, I feel for you and remember those raw raw feelings of betrayal and rage and that feeling of losing your mind.
I kept telling his sister, ‘I dont know what he is doing, but he is making me crazy, and I have never felt crazy in a relationship like that before. She basically told me that I was not clever enough with men, and that I should suggest things by reverse!!
Thankfully I only went out with the Narcissist for a year, but in that year, I was fast tracked through all his acting out behaviour. He left me so physically and mentally depleted during the menopause, I swear I contracted cancer because I was so low. However, what really resonated with me, when you said, they punish you for speaking up. I had plenty of that. As soon as I brought something up, or questionned what he was doing (or not), not in an angry way, but more in a concerned way, he would either walk out, and would punish me some while later, when getting me back with him (I didnt realise that is what he was doing – I thought he wanted to be with me, but he was punishing me)
Blondie and Heather, they may not be the SAME guy, but they use the same “play book” for their moves–I think it was written by SATAN!
If you use football as a concept, they know just how to block us, tackle us, and hit us from behind when we aren’t looking.
After a while though, when we get out of the FOG we can see the PATTERNS in the plays and almost predict which will come next.
Our only DEFENSE is to get out of the game, get off the field, and not look back. There isn’t any way to “win” as long as we stay on the field with them. Our wounds will heal and we will find that life is so much better when we aren’t trying to “teach a pig to sing” (a psychopath to learn about love) all it does is frustrate us and piss off the pig! LOL Hang in there, I can hear the strength growing in your posts!!! You are on your way!
Hi
I’m hoping there’s someone out there to talk to right now.
It’s Sunday evening and I’m sitting alone in my house again for the millionth time. Well, not quite alone, my little boy is with me, he’s watching the TV.
I am in my mid forties now and have never had a good, loving, supportive relationship. My 1st ex husband is not a S but neither is he Mr Wonderful. He’s selfish, tight fisted and a hopeless father. Two years after we split up, I met the S, married him and had a son with him. He did untold damage to me which I wont go into now, but it’s all the usual stuff so you know what I mean.
Last year, when I finally managed to get the S off my back, I started dating again but I just ended up getting involved with the same sort of men as before. I know why I do it. It’s due to a lack of self esteem which came about due to my upbringing. So, I stopped dating and went to see a hypno/psychotherapist who worked with my unconscious mind to try to rid me of the self esteem issues so that I wouldn’t keep attracting low life men.
He did some good work and I hope that it was enough to mean that I wont get sucked in again.
But.
I have deliberately kept away from men for quite a long time now because I didnt want to end up in yet another bad relationship and now I find myself feeling desperately lonely. I went out with some new friends last night. All of them are in relationships but werent with their partners. We wnt to a restaurant and then a disco. All around us were couples, couples, couples. I watched people kissing, holding hands, cuddling etc and I just wanted to cry.
I so very much want to have someone loving to share my life but I know that, the way I feel at the moment I am very vulnerable to being swept off my feet by the 1st moron that comes along. So, to save myself from that, I stay in and don’t let myself be chatted up. But by staying in, I become more lonely.
I feel that I am stuck in a vicious circle and I have no idea how to change this.
Dear uksurvivor,
I hear me in your words. Battling the desires of the heart is sometimes a life long battle. Many years ago, I set my heart on being the best wife and mother anyone could be. I wanted us to be the difference. We were going to show others how to do it.
I lost. So to speak. I realize now that I set myself up for a major fall, as I took everyone’s words and claimed them as my own, and built my dreams on them. They didn’t mean what they said, mostly my husband. He didn’t have me in his future. My children followed their hearts.
We used to talk of how it would be when they became adults and were married. We would talk of coming together for the holidays and making holidays of other days. I’d envision my meeting them for lunches to catch up. My life is so far from that ideal.
They all moved away. All in the same year. My husband retired to do what he wanted to do for others. My children followed their hearts and dreams, and I was left alone, with piles of bills and vulnerable to any man who came along. I was left feeling like the most unlovable, most ugly, middle aged heart broken, spirit broken woman ever. There was no one who cared about my wants, needs and desires. I was a mess. Wanting and needing someone’s touch. I needed to be affirmed and accepted.
I met a man who I thought had my well being as his intent. Because of being blinded by my despair, I almost fell. I lost money and almost lost my sexuality to this man. It was through that terrible emotional uproar, I found myself. I found that I needed this time alone to find out who I really am. I’ve learned if I can’t be alone with me, how could I expect someone to want to be with me. I finally like me and don’t mind being alone. I miss my children and I miss my dreams, but I’m learning to accept my position in life.
I still would love to have someone to share life with and to have someone across the table from me who wants to be there. I don’t want someone who will just tolerate me. But sometimes rather than spending time looking for someone, maybe you could try and find someone to do something for. A shut in who would love your company. Maybe volunteer at a hospital or nursing homes, and minister to someone who has no way of getting out and has no family who cares. It was through helping others, I found out that I could do this. It led me further into independence. If someone should come along who really strikes my fancy, I’m open to it, but if it doesn’t, I still have to exist. I’ve had to learn to not lean on other people.
I try to lean on God’s understanding and finding purpose in my living. I felt all purpose left when my children left. That was such a dark time and I feel for so many who are left in the dark. It helps to find out we aren’t alone, even though there is no one tangible to touch.
I, too, wanted the physical. But that, too, doesn’t last forever. I had to find my depth. I’m not totally there, but should I never have another who would want me, I want me. I have the valleys, but I keep striking out for the mountain again. I still have some jaded ideas, like as long as I stay in the valley, I don’t have far to fall. I’m enough of a realist to know that I can’t be bouncing off the walls happy all the time. I find the things that bring me happy! I wish that for you,too. Try not to lower your standards and just settle. Be the very best you, you can be. You could try a new hair do. Maybe change your taste in clothes. Develop new tastes. There really is life without a man. I’ve actually had other married women telling me I’m so lucky. They aren’t happy in their marriages and kind of envy my freedom. There’s something to be said about that.
You could think of what makes you, you. What do you like to do, by yourself. What gives you satisfaction, sans men? I’ve found that being needy, I leave myself open to being used. I won’t ever let that happen again. I would wish for all who are needy, to not look to a man to satisfy that neediness. They take it and run with it. Seek the help of another. And through that neediness you can find the best. YOU.
Dear UK survivor,
Even though I lost my husband through an aircraft crash, I too felt lonely and alone, unloveable, etc etc. and all around me it seemed that everyone had this great couples relationship and I was ALONE. Soooo along comes this P and sweeps me off my feet, I am dancing on air, happier than I have ever been, until I started to see after about 4 months that he was not prince charming, the verbal abuse and the lies etc. started and I was devestated. Took me another 4 months of hell to finally get the courage to kick him to the curb. Then I was REALLY lonely, and my son who lives with me was gone off working for 8 mnths and here I was soooo alone. I realized too, that for the first time in 40+ yrs I had never lived alone. I’d always had kids, or my husband or some combination sharing my habitat.
My son is gone for the summer working off, and I am alone now, but NOT lonely. I have finally come to the healing stage where I depend on ME for my happiness and my entertainment. I have friends and we go out some, talk on the phone, e mail each other, etc. so I am not without human companionship but even if I am Alone, I am not lonely.
I would love to find another partner, but you know, I may not. There are not that many “free” men in my age range that I could connect with and I sure don’t want a loser or a P. So I know and accept that the “pickings are slim” but I won’t settle for less than the best. I miss the heck out of my husband and tomorrow will be the 4th annivarsery of his death. It’s been a bit of a difficult week, but I’m managing to cope pretty well, but I don’t feel despondent any longer that I may very well be alone for the rest of my life as far as partners are concerned. It’s okay.
I agree with Apt/Mgr that you make some new friends, get out and do some volunteer work, take a class in some art form (I took pottery classes and it was great!) I get my hugs from my sons and my friends. I realize that human touch is important to us as a species and I make sure I get that, just not from a partner now. I used to HATE to sleep alone, now I have a little dog that sleeps with me, and belive it or not, it is very comforting to have him there, even though I SWORE that I would never have another dog in the house much less let one sleep with me. LOL And sure, he’s a pest sometimes, and I have to change the sheets more often and vacuum up the short little hairs, but I think it is worth it for just feeling another living being with me when I go to sleep at night.
Finding positive ways to meet our human needs, from companionship, to love, to touch, without a partner per se is something we have to THINK about, but when you are feeling “needy” and “lonely” find a positive way to fill that need. I have found if I FOCUS on being needy and don’t do anything to fill that need, I just feel more needy and more alone. But by focusing on FILLING that need with something positive and enjoying that positive interaction with others, the needyness subsides.
I’ve found too, that neediness is as much a state of mind than anything thing else and it will pass. I’ve found when I get that needy feeling, if I do something to take my mind off that neediness, it passes. That tells me that I’m really not needy, but I was having a needy moment. I love the touches, hugs, etc., but rational thinking says that you can’t hold that pose forever. A hug from someone gives a momentary good feeling, but it won’t last forever so we have to do something when we don’t have those touches.
I think too, like Oxy, just having something living around is good. Even a plant. It’s something living and we can watch it grow. It’s all about our emotions and processing these pesky feelings. We look to someone to satisfy that need that we should be able to fill. I think we ask too much of others to fill us. They can’t be there 24/7 and if we want that, we might as well go to a nursing home and pay for it!! I’ve learned to not rely on others to satisfy my wants, needs and desires. If we can’t find a common ground, it’s not written in stone that I have to defer my longings in preference of another and they shouldn’t for me either.
We are all individuals with differing tastes. Yes, I’d love to share life with someone, but like Oxy says, when you get to be our age, pickings are very slim. They are either taken, or so well used there’s not much left. I still have standards. I don’t want to settle and might end up with someone needier than I. So I keep looking for my niche in life because I’ve been left with that choice. I didn’t think I had one before. I am allowed to think for myself. I tried it someone else’s way and I ended up being the forgotten one. Because I was too needy.
Thank you both for your kind words and suggestions.
I know that having another person in my life is not the answer to finding happiness. I know that I need to make me happy. I know that the reason I am unhappy right now has nothing to do with the fact that I dont have a man by my side, it just feels like that’s the problem. Even though I know these things, it still doesnt make the feeling of loneliness any less real.
I wrote to you tonight because I needed to hear the things that you have said to me. Even though I know these things already, I needed to hear someone else say them. So thank you for that. I was feeling so very, very alone and I just needed someone to talk to.
Lo and behold, as I was typing to you, my eldest Son came online. He’s almost 20 and has been living in Japan for 18 months. He’s currently in the UK with his Japanese fiancee for 1 year so that she can improve her English.
We talked for a long time. He knows how I feel and he knows how difficult things are here for me (I live in Spain). He wants me and my youngest son to move to Japan next year when he goes back. At first, I dismissed it out of hand. It seemed like an impossibility. But the more we talked, the less ridiculous it sounded. I dont know how feasible it would be, we have to do some research, but at least now I have something to focus on which will take my mind away from wishing I had ‘someone’. I hadn’t heard from my son for several days, so for him to contact me at this time was really fortuitous. Even if this idea comes to nothing, talking to him tonight has made a world of difference. He has made me feel very loved and that was exactly what I needed tonight. It’s funny, he told me off for always thinking of the needs of others before my own needs. He said I need to stop doing that, at least for a little while and think of myself. He said that if I put myself 1st for a change then I will be happier and will be better able to help others then. I hadn’t realised that he knew that I was like that. I was very impressed with the wisdom of his words. Not bad for such a young man. I’m very proud of him.
You suggest that I get out and make more friends etc, and you are of course quite right about that too. It’s difficult though. My movements are restricted because I have a small son. I work whilst he is at school but I cant make enough money to break even. Wages here are very low. I have my middle son with me who is 15 and his father pays a small amount of maintenance each month but the father of my youngest son pays nothing. If I had proper maintenance from the fathers then we would manage. I dont want maintenance from the 2nd father though because that would mean having to have contact with him.
So, I’m stuck. But then my son made the suggestion about Japan, and maybe, just maybe it could be a way out.
I was always so careful with money before the S came along. He has put us in this position and even though he is not in our lives now, the repercussions go on and on.
Anyway, the bottom line is that between you lovely people on LF and my son, I shall end this day feeling an awful lot better than I began it. Thank you.
uksurvivor,
I’ve found that we not only reap what we sow, but we will reap what others do, too, when we are affiliated with them. It takes time to get out from under all that. I put myself at the mercy of someone, too, who I thought was going to look out for my welfare. I’m now stuck between a rock and hard place. I can’t move forward until our house is sold, so I’m at the mercy of something or someone still. It gets so frustrating knowing it’s a situation I have no control over.
I’ve learned the fine art of biding my time. Not always easy, but it’s the best way for me. I know want what I do, to be complete. I don’t want to make the same mistakes. I want to make new ones!
But I’m glad you have support. It’s amazing what good seeds we can sow with our children and their love is unconditional. I think that’s what the most of us want from a significant other. Until or unless that happens, life does go on. And we do have to love ourselves. Even Christ made that declaration. It was hard for me to do that. It was difficult to love me when I never felt loved. I finally figured if I don’t love me, how could someone else? I’m getting it too.
Good luck to you. I hope you can achieve your goals and dreams. Japan sounds good plus you have the added benefit of your son being there. New surroundings mean new opportunities. Change is good, especially when you help create it.
Lonliness—I have dealt with that most of my life. As a kid I was very shy, I didn’t want to play with boy’s, I wanted to play jump rope with the girl’s. I was made fun of and teased and bullied alot by tuff guy’s. My parent’s divorced when I was 8, mom and I moved to arizona. My older brother and sister stayed with my Dad. Mom married a much younger man, my stepdad was in the Airforce so we moved alot. I hated school, I made good grade’s but I felt like an alien. I knew I was gay I think when I was about 12 I figured it out. I was so upset when I realized I was. All I had ever heard about them was they are bad and dangerous. I tried hard not to be found out but it was probably obvious to most. I got married when I was 19, my wife was 16, we had our first son 2 years later and then Josh two years after that. Being a daddy was the best thing in my life, is the best thing in my life. As I look back on my life being married those 10 years was the best mistake I ever made. But it didn’t work, that was a tuff time for me the divorce, visitation etc. But we survived. She remarried and we are good friends now. I met a man right after the divorce, fell in love and we moved in together. He was a really great guy. He was an alcohlic and I didn’t want my boy’s exposed to that. So I told him me or jim Bean, he still has Jim I think. That is sad, he was a great guy and several years ago he called and said I was the love of his life and no one else compares to me. So from 1986 to 2006 I was single–alone-lonley, but I had my boy’s, a few friends, so life went on. When I would go out to a club I was looking for Mr. Right, they were all looking for Mr. Right Now. Oh I have had alot of Mr. Right Now’s, I have been around the block I guess. But I was so dissapointed and discouraged by the rampant lack of commitment. So I became a hermit. In 1997 my Dad died of cancer, my sister died that same year. That was tuff, I always said if I can survive ’97 I can survive anything. Well I almost didnt survive the past few year’s. But I have had to step back and look at my life and figure out how I want to spend the rest of it. Sometimes being alone is tuff. The boy’s are busy with their lives and family’s. I keep busy with my (farmette) and my landscaping business. But anyway I wanted to comment on lonliness and Oxy and Apt/mgr your words to Uk survivor are so full of love and caring and I enjoyed reading the post and you both brightened a gloomy day for me thanks…………
Dear Henry,
I think in some ways every human is lonely. Ogden Nash, wrote a poem called “Listen” about the “prisoner in the skull” which I always loved. Each of us, according to the poem are locked inside a cell of bone, alone, in solitary confinement and we reach out to others, trying to touch them, but because we are so alone inside our skulls, our methods of communication are so limited, we never truly can.
In some ways I think that poem sums it all up, yet, we CAN touch others, not perfectly maybe, but we can touch others. Get glimpses between the bars of what and who they are.
UKsuvivor, I am glad your day ended better for you than it started. Yes, we do live with the consequences of the fall out from the P-relationships. this latest one with my P-son and the TH-P cost me a great deal of money as well, and though I’m not living in a tent, I am having to make considerable belt-tightening manuvers, and in the economy of the US right now with prices for the things I DO have to buy and use, squeezing heavily, even that’s not always enough.
I usually advise people who have suffered a trauma or a big grief not to make a MAJOR changes for a year or so, because we (humans) need to settle over our grief before we make a big move (add stress to our lives with a large change) but at the same time, sometimes those moves can also be healing, but I just suggest you play it by “ear” and think things through carefully. Moving house is a big enough change, moving countries is even bigger.
Your son sounds like a very WISE YOUNG MAN. I think also that you should listen very carefully to his words. Doing for others INSTEAD of myself is one of my own very deeply imbedded faults, so I am not throwing stones at you when I say to you to look at this aspect of yourself. I gave and gave and gave to others, while totally neglecting myself to the point that I became so “needy” I was perfectly vulnerable to the Ps’ attacks. Learning when to do for others and when to insist that they do for themselves is I think the basis of boundary setting. I’m trying very hard to understand and practice this (without feeling guilty!) LOL
I also understand that with a teenager and a young child in the house and limited means, it is very difficult for you to “get out” much after work. ((((Hugs)))))