Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a 24-year-old woman, a graduate student.
He told me he was all I needed; he told me that he was the only person who cared. He told me my friends hated me because they were so mad at me because I got sick. He told me they were just all bitches like all of the other girls in the world. Like his ex-girlfriends, like his mother, like (me).
I had no idea that sociopaths existed. I thought that “sociopath” was only a word thrown about on TV, late night news, America’s Most Wanted.
My therapist told me that my ex-boyfriend is one of the worst sociopaths that she has heard about in her 12 years of practice.
Abuse starts slow
The abuse started out subtle; the control started out slow. He told me that I’d look cute if I just started dressing a little more suggestively. He told me that a slight heel (high heels) would do wonders for any girl’s appearance. “Didn’t I want to be the girl all of the other girls were jealous of?” He would tell me how to dress in order to make guys stare.
He would walk me down the street, hand around my neck, but whispering, “Babe, you look great. God, baby you’re my good thing; look at all of them watching; they think you’re so HOT.”
I now think they were wondering what was up because I was dressed like a whore and my ex boyfriend would ask random guys if they would pay me to provide sexual favors for them.
Controlled everything
I dated this man for two and a half years. He would control what I did, what I wore, what I ate, when I slept, how I slept, what I was required to wear to bed, what I could do in bed, IF I could move in bed ”¦ He wouldn’t let me move; he would get angry if I woke him up. He needed his sleep so he could “go out and make money the next day. You know you’re just a needy woman. You need me, the big strong man…”
And he’d laugh at me. He would ridicule me. He would make fun of me. He would laugh if I thought I was smart. He would laugh if I thought I could do something. He would introduce me to people as “the retard.” He would tell me not to talk—why would I bother? It wasn’t like I knew what I was saying anyway.
He would tie me up tell me it was sexy and that everyone else was doing it. He would punch me in the stomach, but he would tell me that he was seeing how tight my abs were. He would show me horrible, horrible movies about what women do when they’re hurt.
He showed me the movie Secretary, where the woman gets sad and then cuts herself, gets found out by her boss and her boss says something like no, don’t do that. And they proceed to have sex while her boss beats her butt with a wooden paddle. My ex would force me to have sex while slapping my butt and digging his hands into me, saying it was love.
Getting out
The list of scary things goes on longer than I want to remember right now. It got to the point that my parents were afraid. My ex-boyfriend was losing control, and I was stuck in the middle.
I would do anything for him, but then I did the one thing he forbade me to do. I got out. I realized that my parents didn’t hate me. I realized that my friends didn’t hate me, and I realized that I am stronger than he is and that I didn’t have to be his “good thing” anymore.
Then he told me that he made a huge mistake. He told me that he was “so sorry,” that it was normal to fly into insane rages when one loses something that he loved. He tried to get me back. I broke up with him. He stayed around for a few months trying all of this.
He convinced me that we could still be together if we were just “F” buddies, because I was the best girl for sex or at sex that he’d ever had. I know that is complete b.s. now, but at the time, when he told me I was the “only one” and “oh so special,” it worked to keep me around.
But, yeah, I mean there’s no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed with him, he would have convinced me to kill myself, or killed me himself. He would tell me to take pills. He said it was a way for me to show the world how “hurt” I was (all said in a condescending and convincing tone).
Anyways, there’s more, but yeah he tried to get me back. He tried telling me how heartbroken and lonely he was without me, which didn’t make sense to me, because when he and I were dating he told me he didn’t get lonely, he just didn’t “feel” it. It’s weird because when I was with him and he was being manipulative and abusive, he almost always told me what he was doing, but he always said, “But baby, it’s okay because we’re different. No one else is like us; we’re better than everyone; just trust me.”
Apart for six months
I can say simply that when I was with him he was emotionally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abusive. He would always say, “You can’t rape the willing, and you know you’re always willing, don’t bother saying no, because I know that no means yes.” Mind games and everything. He would get me so confused and afraid that if I said no, he’d be angry, and if he was angry he would hit me. Or at least I was terrified that is what would happen, because he would always tell me that he was bigger and stronger…
I have a restraining order against him now. I am in therapy now. We have been apart for six months, but I am still so shocked from it all. It still hurts really bad. I was with a man who told me he loved me, but that was just so that I would keep playing his bitch, keep being his doll and keep being his slave.
Dear STill standing,
One of the most difficult things I think is the reaction we get from others–even normal folks–they don’t “get it” about the psychopaths. They don’t believe us, they presume to read our minds and think that we are either “out of” our minds or lying. To have someone say something like that to you is very hurtful and uncaring. Even if he really believed what he said (and he may) how nasty is it to say such a thing.!!! That is a statement not a question!
He also sounds very immature to me. He may or may not be a psychopath just like your X but he sure doesn’t understand much about life either, or people.
I found really that it is just much easier not to talk to most people about what happened to me, I can be open and honest here because the PEOPLE ON THIS BLOG do not doubt me, and they have ALSO been scammed in one wy or another by a psychopath so they KNOW what I went through and why. They KNOW what it is like dealing with a psychopath.
Learning to have a mature relationship with someone and finding someone who is mature enough to have a mature relationship with is difficult for us all. Knowing when to walk away from someone no matter how “cute” “educated” “rich” or whatever their good attributes are because you see RED FLAGS of dishonesty there is part of learning about how to have a good relationship, not one that degenerates into “games” or lies or abuse. Almost always the psychopath will let slip some RED FLAG–maybe he cheated on his last girl friend–DUH–REDFLAG if he is a cheat with her, what makes you so special he won’t cheat on YOU? If he lies like a rug to everyone else or cheats on his expense account, or won’t hold a job for very long, gets fired, alwzys broke etc. borrows money and doesn’t pay it back–what makes you think he is going to be your prince charming?
None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, but something that is done deliberately, like a lie–is not IMHO a “mistake” it is a DELIBERATE ACT…a mistake is when you add 2+2=5 and is done accidently. A deliberate act is a CHOICE. If a person chooses to be dishonest they are not likely to chance just because you love them. Do you want a dishonest person for your “true love”? NOPE of course not, so at the first signs that someone is dishonest DITCH’EM before you get torn up by another psychopath. That is the best lesson you can learn from this experience—a psychopath thinks dishonesty is OK.
The guy you met, T is a loser, so if he is friends with your X, they deserve each other. Unfortunately though, many times even good, caring people can’t relate to what you have been through. (((hugs))))
thanks.yeah..i meanthis guy T…he just cares about sex an says he doesn’t judge anything so..whatever.
just when i told him that my ex raped me and he just didnt or wouldn’t believe me.whatever i guess..like you said we all got the stories and the ppl here understand…
i see no need to talk to t though….thank you again oxdrover 🙂
Dear Still standing,
“Not judging someone” said in the way that I think he means it is not just exactly the way the phrase is usually used. I think he is more inclined to believe whatever your P X says, regardless of any other “witness.”
As far as there “being good in everyone”–I think you need to rethink that belief—EVERYONE is a broad “brush stroke” and I thnk from MY experience there are people who have squashed the good so far down that effectively it isn’t there—the psychopaths make the exceptions to the “everyone” part.
When you are talking about people, usually the terms “always” and “never” and “Every” and None etc. don’t really apply. LOL Have a good day.
Dear Shellshocked,
What difference does it make if he is a psychopath or just “messed up”? You CANNOT FIX HIM and the likelyhood of him fixing himself is NILL, NONE, ZIP, ZERO ETC.
The getting caught and then “begging for forgiveness” is one of the traits that the psychopath/sociopath uses, but that isn’t really enough to diagnose him at all, but if you lookk at the track record of one pregnant woman that he has left behind, and another one a prostitute, WHY in God’s green world would you want this kind of a man?
Get rid of all contact with him immediately and don’t look back is my advice. there are RED FLAGS of trouble and danger waving all over the place. I don’t need a crystal ball to tell you this guy is a LOSER, DELUX MODEL, 24 K GOLD PLATED, PHONY AS A 3$ BILL.
Dear Shellshock, Be careful, is my first response on reading your post. In my book, my boundary is that if someone cheats on me once, ITS OVER. If they chose someone else and disrespected me once, they can do it again, whoever they are, sociopath or not. People with personality disorders can be extremely cunning and will often keep their sources of narcissistic supply on the back burner for later use.
As far as warning the next gf is concerned, people here fall into two camps, those that would, and those that wouldnt. Personally, I would, because I am like that, but having said that sometimes its safer to let them pass onto someone else and let the whole thing die down. Also you risk Narcissistic rage if he is narcissistic. But he lives far away from you, so you can call it a day.
I dont know if he is a sociopath, he is expressing remorse, so I am not sure, but if he is, they will often engineer the push and pull dynamic (leaving and coming back) as a way of breaking your resolve, the more it happens, the weaker you get, then they have you hooked – so be careful of that. Also if you express a desire to go back with him, after his bad behaviour, that gives him a message, that he can get away with it and that you will have him back and that can leave things open to him abusing you more. Sometimes No Contact is the only solution.
“….he did NOT beg for forgiveness. he only repeated that he was sorry he hurt me and that he wish he could put that pain on himself. do sociopaths talk like that?”
Yes. I heard that….at the very end…after he decided to pursue someone else.
All the other times he “blew it,” he’d just call and we’d talk it out. The last time felt different and maybe this is what you’re subconsciously feeling now.
And, yes, mine went to a therapist, too. He never worked on any changes, it was just a ready-made audience with a nice, but naive, listener. Neither sociopathy nor narcissicism never came up.
By the way, in my opinion, when he told you he “blew it,” I think he meant he blew his cover although our injured egos might like to think he has somehow come to his senses and know that his terrible behavior should have damaged his chances with us. In reality, he might find now that his jig is up, it’s easier to move on with someone who hasn’t glimpsed his real self and someone who will be on the alert for more clues.
Then again, if you’ve seen this side of him and don’t reject him, it paves the way for him to be even more blatant and disrespectful toward you. I believe that most people, esp. S, don’t respect weak people. Others may be compassionate, patient or tolerant toward weak people, but it seems to disgust S.
What I think you might experiencing is the universal push-pull that confounds all of us victims. It’s not just what you are going through now, though. There was push-pull, here-I-am and now-I’m-gone in your relationship. During and afterward, we go back and forth with our analysis. It’s part of the natural healing process.
My hope for you is that you be the one to leave if only in your mind. And, you can by deciding to be wise and strong and uncompromising in your values, standards and expectations of how you will be treated by people.
It’s hard to be dumped by anyone, but I found it especially hard to be dumped by the S when I was the normal, easygoing, tolerant, constructive one and he was so flawed.
Look ahead. Would you feel better giving him another chance only to be even further sucked in, injured, off-balance and dumped again? He’s already shown you that’s what he does.
Or would you like to feel like a smart cookie who sees things as they are and takes steps to protect herself.
I wish I had chosen the second option. I would have been so far ahead of the game.
Finally, it is so hard to do this (I tried but couldn’t) but you can make the choice to deal with the pain and heartbreak early. If you don’t, I can pretty much guess you’ll have to do it later and it will be so much harder . Doing it earlier saves so much pain.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Trust me.. we all have gone through what you’re going through now.
I don’t know enough about him from your comments to hazard a guess as to whether he is or isn’t a sociopath. At the very least, he doesn’t sound like a man of good character.
I imagine if you were listing all the good traits you’d expect in a man you were dating, it wouldn’t be someone who lied to you, went to a prostitute, got someone else pregnant, didn’t fall all over himself trying to repair the damage and anything else like that.
Just be easy on yourself as you go through this. Remember to take care of and do nice things for yourself.
Dear Shell shocked, THIS IS YOUR SUPPORT GROUP—read the articles and the stories and some of the blogs, you will get the picture. Accepting that there is NO HOPE for a relationship with this man that will be anything but pain it is importnat that you LEARN WHAT HE IS, AND WHAT THEY DO.
You ar so right, you need to break free. Learn about what he is, but also, learn about yourself, Learn what makes you want to not break free. That way you can protect yourself from the NEXT ONE and they are NOT “rare birds” they are common as chickens—unfortunately!
(((hugs and good luck))))
Hi,this is off subject but right on subject.
what is the word for the person who
either A does thisor
Bis the recipiant.
when an abusive person has a certain type of vitimn they target, what are the words for that i can’t for the life of me remember?
like, if someone looked a certain way and all ppl who looked tht way were abused because of the way they look?
thanks
“preferred victim?” Do you mean someone (abuser) who targets blondes or blondes with long hair—something along that line?
Still Standing, don’t worry about the “word finding” problems, I swear I have gotten to the point that I find words on the TIP of my tongue for days and then out of the blue they pop up?
Big words–like tree or dog, or something like that! LOL I even find myself stuttering sometimes trying to think of a word. I did that today when I was speaking to the owner of a local company and I was complaining about the service I had gotten from his employees, I couldn’t for the life of me think of simple words! I think part of it is the reaction to the stress we have all been under for so long. I’m not as bad at that as I used to be right after my husband was killed, but still it bothers me, and if there is any stress in a situation it gets worse (like the complaint to the owner of the business today).
It will come to you–probably at 2 a.m. LOL
I’m talking about the person who has a reputation for abusing a certain type of other person.
like the person is the…god i can’t rememer the word. but the person who abuses the weak or whatever.
like my ex, he would target brunettes or whatever and he’s a…..si psycho person haha but i dn’t know the word. eh, it’ll come to me
take care