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By | January 9, 2008 283 Comments

(Given what you’ve learned the hard way) what’s your attitude like?

It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them – the opposite of idealistic.

And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blas̩, apathetic Рthe opposite of fresh.

The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to ‘Ethical conundrums’. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded?

One reader’s response captures the issue I raise above (our key terms inserted):
A jaded person [someone who has fallen for a sociopath] has loved and lost. A cynic [sociopath] has never loved at all.

Another provides some clues as to how come the sociopath and his or her victim get together in the first place:
I don’t like either alone, together though: the jaded person before becoming jaded makes friends with a cynic and then they both have a great time. So long as the cynic enjoys the doses of optimism and doesn’t get annoyed by them. And the optimist doesn’t become disillusioned by hanging out with the cynic. Because that would be boring, pointless and gloomy. Cynics and optimists together can be really proactive and make great company: CAN be…
Or not, right?

One reckons that positivity can turn into negativity, but seldom the other way round:
Pessimists tend to become cynical, as they tend to believe the existence of a hidden motive. Optimists, with experience, tend to become jaded, as the world falls short of their expectations. Jaded people tend to become cynical, but cynical people rarely end up jaded. So, being jaded is kind of the scenic route to cynicism.

One reader sees the merit of cynicism:
Cynicism is essential for surviving this lousy superficial society. Being jaded is the result of being insufficiently cynical.

I was tickled by this one:
Someone who’s jaded hasn’t lost the will to change, they’ve just lost the means….Polish the surface of a jaded person and you’ll find they’ll come up good as new.

As we get a new year underway, what are your thoughts?


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apt/mgr

I’ve always thought of myself as an idealist who is also a realist. The two just don’t go together. Since my experiences, I find I am both jaded and cynical. Only when it comes to the matters of the heart. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever lose the cautioning and questioning state of mind in which my experiences left me. I’ve been told that I ask too many questions. I didn’t before, because I trusted wholeheartedly and was taken for a chump.

I would like to ask which is better? To go with the heart or head? I did a Google search and came up with different trains of thought. Our heart is the seat of our emotions and our head contains the reasoning portion, or so I’ve been told. Do we go with logistics or emotions? Should we allow our emotions to rule our logical thinking? Even though a man really turns our head and makes us feel special, but yet doesn’t make us a priority is that reason enough to dump him or wait to see if he comes around. I must admit that when it comes to the matter of the heart, mine has been badly broken, but then my head has been messed with too, to the point where I didn’t know if I were coming or going. I’ve always wondered what other people used as their basis for deciding that certain someone was the right one. I’m always on the look out for good information. I wish the answer were written for me and I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt which path to take. I really don’t like indecision and I’ve reached that point, and I’d really like to hear and learn.

Beverly

Personally, I feel and think it is better to have the heart and head working as a team. I have lived in my head quite alot of my life and so, it was easier for those who wanted to screw my mind. I have learnt to listen to my intuition. When my head was being screwed up with my ex’s words, it was actually my feelings which were knocking on my door – I have learnt to pay much more attention to my feelings and my body feelings – sometimes these are much more accurate because I was using my head to try and come up with solutions as to what he was doing and because I didnt have the whole ‘head’ picture I subjected myself to much more time and damage from him than I ought to have.

I think, taking it real slow and allowing time for input to distill itself in our minds and bodies before accepting what is handed to us. Because as I have learnt to my cost, there can be great illusion around what someone else says and does. Also really allowing that divine wisdom to do its work through us may be the only true yardstick.

Benzthere

What I think is that after the dust settles and the rawness of the wound of deep betrayal starts to fade, I find that I am still the same person I was before. No, not really true, I’m actually better because God has added yet another lesson for me in life. And as with every lesson we can learn and eventually overcome, or we can lick our wounds and bury ourselves in the sands of jadedness and cynicism. It’s our choice.

I’m saddened because I was introduced to something that needs to be changed or needs to be helped, but found in the secular world that there is no hope of changing. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. In God’s world hope always remains, but there is an appropriate time when you must acknowledge your mortal limitations and surrender to them. “. . . for the battle is not yours, but God’s.” I am left to ponder two questions, as a society what is our responsibility toward these people who, through probably a combination of nature and nurture, are walking wounded looking for in others what they don’t find and can’t understand in themselves. And secondly, as a society and as people now intimately aware of the destruction they are able to cause, what is our responsibility to the uninformed?

Personally and thankfully, I’ve taken time to reflect and heal. When I found Lovefraud, it gave me direction in putting the pieces of a hurtful, confusing and frustrating puzzle into perspective. I will always be indebted to those responsible for initiating and maintaining this site. When you think you’ve had it bad, just look around you and then you can be grateful, as I am. I got to the other side, relatively easily in comparison. I wasn’t taken for great sums of money, though I believe that was the true intent, that and more. My grandfather always said, “Be wary the horse trader lest you want to be on foot.” That has served me well. My heart was taken on a roller coaster ride, but part of that puzzle is determining the role I played in allowing that to happen, after all it does take two. I don’t think you can move forward without spending some time looking inward first and foremost. Honesty not just in the eyes of someone else, but in your own, and establishing and protecting your boundaries are but two of the many lessons I was shown.

Those are my thoughts, that after the storm there will be a rainbow. That’s His plan. My plan is to resume searching for the gold at its end.

notquitebroken

I’d like to think that I am neither jaded nor cynical. Just much more educated than I ever wanted to be in the ways of sociopaths. I’m actually somewhat grateful for the experience. I came out of it comparatively whole and will definitely not make the same mistakes again. I’ve learned that my instincts are usually right, and that I should follow my gut when it says RUN. If it says that to me a little more often these days, then I’m grateful for having honed my self-protective skills. Am I jaded or cynical? I suppose that depends on your perspective. I think I’m wiser and 1000 times happier than I was when I was with him.

southernman429

Benzthere… I hear ya….

The things I see differently about me and my attitude now after my socio relationship…..

Trusting someone won’t come as easily or as quickly as before…. I will LISTEN to what they are really saying, and WATCHING to see if their actions match their words. Those things came with the education that I got the hard way with her, and also the realzations that I grasped here and other sites on the net. Let’s just say I am now a informed single male in his 40’s who still believes that there are good people, both men and women out there who are willing to work at a healthy relationship…. I just now know that there really are evil people with secret agendas that will hurt you intentionally with no remorse on their part, and then slither away with no accountablity for the mess they make…before all of this, I had no idea what sociopaths were, and what they were capable of…..so.. with this knowledge, I am able to make safer, healthier choices in future relationships.

Benzthere mentioned boundaries, and that has been a new thing for me.. in the past, I might have been afraid to speak up when someone hurt me, or disappointed me…or pressured me to do something I really didn’t want to do… not now, not ever again… If someone isn’t thoughtful, or kind, or is rude in some way… I call them on it… this is something that I have done with both romantic relationships and platonic relationships with both sexes. I know that being honest about how I feel when someone is not playing by the rules, and expressing that, instead of pushing it down, is a direct result form my sociopath experience. Aso my tolerance for crazy, inconsistant behaviour is nil… I won’t put up with it… in the past, I may have been more flexible about that, but I do see now that if someone’s not being consistant, then there must be a deeper problem with them.

Although I may be overly cautious, and somewhat guarded now when dating and or entering a relationship, I really see that as a healthy thing…. I highly doubt that any of us here would readily jump with both feet, and child-like innocence into a relationship, like we may have before….I know that I will love smarter…all it took was a year long relationship with a crazy person, two years to heal from it, and like Benzthere, I too have resumed my search for that rainbow and for the reward that lays at it’s end…. but this time.. it’s going to be different….. it’s going to be real.

southernman429

Well, Dr. Steve……. we all know that our socio’s didn’t start out showing their hand.. it took months on their part to “act” normal, before the energy of doing that became too much for them, and their little fake game showed it’s self….. and by then the hook was in our heart… I know that I’ll be on guard a lot longer then in the past when in a relationship.. the question is how much longer then before will it take for me to be truely trusting and relaxed in a relationship???………………I really don’t know…… I’m praying that armed with knowledge and wisdom, and equiped with eyes that really see, and with God on my side… and with some luck on my side as well…… I won’t be looked at as the crazy one in the next relationship.. when she says something or does something and a old tape plays in my mind, and I run out of the house like my clothes are on fire…….. lol

Beverly

Southernman429. Good point. But when I think back to the time with my ex. He was giving me clues from the beginning -yes he was keeping his good behviour going for about 3 months – but they cant maintain that behaviour for long, dont forget they have poor impulse control. I dont know what other peoples’ experience is of the time scale of ‘good behaviour’.

Sub personalities have different triggers too – but the main beast of the story speaks with the same language (as I have discovered here) – so the red flags will be familiar. I think most of us are worried that we may meet another like the ex. But we know the cues, the tricks, the way they try to rush us into a relationship, we know things dont feel right, that there is some oddity in their behaviour. We know this time to really check them out first with family and friends and that they wont keep information back or mislead us. We know that they wont ask us to lend them money. Basically their behaviour will be fairly ‘normal’ and consistent. Hopefully none of us will need to run from the house!!

Benzthere

Dr. Steve,

You asked us about unhealthy attitudes and our thoughts, and the discussion has led to how to overcome unhealthy behavior in the future.

As I am getting on with life, I think because of faith and because I’ve always taken responsibility for my behavior and circumstances, this episode didn’t leave me with an unhealthy attitude. I didn’t feel jadedness or cynicism nor that I was bad or worthless, i.e., I make mistakes, but they are honest ones and though accused and blamed for whatever happened, I knew better and I did not accept his blame or wear his guilt. I am kept busy enough with my own sins, I’ll not take on someone else’s. Forgiveness is a powerful tool too, and when my attitude starts to slip I can look up at the cross to put things back into perspective. I’m not sure where non-Christians get their strength and guidance so I can’t comment there, but it seems it must be somewhere inside that leads them toward finding a better way of thinking, if they choose to look.

My behavior warranted some further examination for my part in the melee and for the hurt I experienced. Faith truly is a powerful ally. God gives us every tool, divine and carnal, but we have to get up and go use them. That brought me to introspection. Of course you are correct, introspection can leave you going in circles or drowning in denial. But when you’ve gotten it wrong, you have to understand what you did before you can get it right the next time. That introspection led to reading many books and participating in several relevant web sites and gleaning a wealth of advice and pertinent information. That helped occupy my mind, and time is also a great healer. I found out what and who I was dealing with and hopefully the part I played. Now I too know the signs, as Beverly mentioned. Another key is what Southernman said too about reality, living in honesty and openness.

The most important things I had reiterated or I learned as I walk forward are these, taken from Christian authors. Where there is deceit, there is no relationship. Without freedom and responsibility the relationship cannot grow. Freedom is making mature choices based on values not on fear or guilt born from the past. Taking responsibility is protecting love by confronting problems. Both people must bring these attributes to the relationship. (Boundaries in Dating, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend)

But also of course the discussion of our future behavior is paramount and is what will tell the true tale. Unfortunately I’ve also read that changing behavior is difficult and the success rate is not favorable. People are prone to repeat unhealthy behavior again and again, though we all think “never again!” For example, I thought I knew what evil was, I had even dealt with it in business, but when it looked me in the eye up close and personal, I didn’t see it. I saw the red flags but still forged on. I am now much better prepared but I don’t want to repeat that mistake, as I’m sure no one here does.

I think we are all more informed now, so I’ll ask you, Dr. Steve, what else is left to do and what do you think lies ahead for us?

EnnLondon

I think faith of any sort must help people generally in life as they go through problems; but I imagine that this faith is ‘reinforced’ by conscience. Religion seems to add the idea of punishment (and of course reward!) to following what your conscience already says. Our consciences punish us already, without religion. I don’t imagine sociopaths can ‘discover’ religion and suddenly be converted to new behaviours.

I’ve noticed in a lot of my reading that some sociopaths have ended up drawn to fairly prominent positions in one church or another, but for them it’s a way of building up that ‘smokescreen’; of appearing a model member of society, the last one anyone would suspect of living without morals.

Learning more about all this has made me reassess my ideas about what good and evil is. I am now back to the idea that as far as the concept exists it’s the absence of something rather than the presence of something. (Something that we used to call privatio bono, which was apparently discredited by philosophers years ago – well sod that!)

southernman429

Benzthere…

Would you mine emailing me. I too am a believer and actually ran into the loving arms of Christ after my socio relationship… there are some things I’d like to share, and of course, I’d like to have the opportunity to learn and listen with you. My email is [email protected]
I also have a Myspace page which started out being a way to express myself and make friends, but although it wasn’t my intention, it has evolved into a ministry so to speak. I am amazed at how many broken people there are out there, and most of them have been pained by love. God has called me to offer inspiration to those people and all people. I love being used as a vessel by Him, to serve Him. How can one so softly bind the wounds of another than he who has felt the same wounds. My page takes a while to load, but worth the wait.

http://www.myspace.com/southernman429cj

southernman429

Correction…. My myspace address is

http://www.myspace.com/southernman429

gillian

This site has been a lifesaver for me. I’ve been reading it for the past few months. My brain has been mush, and coming here has helped me get a grip on reality and to see that, yes, my husband is definitely a sociopath. At first I could hardly believe it. I had an inkling, I could see some of the signs, but still, I thought he couldn’t be completely remorseless. Yes, I was learning he did do some terrible things, but I thought surely that must bother him. Surely, he did not want to hurt me, truly cared about me, felt sorry for what he was doing.

Like a drowning person, I clung tenaciously to that branch of hope. I thought I couldn’t live without the reassurance it offered, I couldn’t let go of the dream. But with the help of Al-Anon, God, friends and this wonderful website, finger by finger, I’ve loosened my grip. I’m floating downstream, and the wonderful thing is that I’m finding I don’t have to go under, I’m starting to see I can swim. I can fight against the current if I need to. I can drag myself on shore and survive. I can live without this man. Even thrive.

I don’t have to die.

It’s taken me nine months to get here. (How symbolic is that?)

Starting the middle of April, I began to realize my husband was a liar and cheat. Through a series of flukes I found out he was having an affair and so I became a detective and dug and dug and found out more and more and discovered that only was he planning on leaving me (under false pretenses, of course) for a woman he’d been having a 4-year affair with, but he’s not even being “faithful” to her. He is scamming on women in a 12-step group he attends. He’s a sexual predator and has cheated on me almost our entire life together (almost 19 years), all the while convincing me–and everyone else–that he was an utterly devoted husband and family man.

Honest to God, I thought he was my soulmate and best friend. He had me so fooled. All these years he’d be calling me 5 times a day and I thought it was because he missed me so much when all the while he was only checking on my whereabouts.

The sentimental cards. The tender voice, the soft eyes. The sweetness, the seduction. All of that, he did all of that. He lies like most people breathe.

And I was so susceptible. When I met him (at work) I was coming out of a long, pretty much loveless marriage. I was ripe for the picking and here he was and I thought he was so nice, everyone else thought he was so nice, his ex-wife even thought he was nice (reading Secret Monster’s blog is like looking into my husband’s mind; none of “his” women even realized they’d been victimized).

He was romantic and the sex was fantastic and he made me feel like the only one, the best one, he had me on a pedestal (totally over-idealized me), and even as the years went by, he continued to say these things to me.

He was like a magician really. Sleight of hand, don’t watch what the left hand is doing. He exploited everyone’s assumptions (which were reasonable given how skillfull an actor he was and still is).

I had entered a hall of mirrors where every illusion seemed real.

A friend’s husband said that he doesn’t know how my husband got away with everything he did for so many years. He says there had to be red flags I ignored. I told my older daughter this and she said this guy doesn’t really know my husband. He had everyone fooled. Our whole family. Everyone. Everyone fell for his lies.

As for my attitude now, well, I’ve come a long way over the past nine months. From devastation to despair to feeling completely worthless, to feeling suicidal, to bitter jealousy, to desperation, to obsession, to anger, to numbness, to grief, to the greatest pain I’ve ever known, to thinking I could never trust anyone again, to relief, to down again, to flickers of hope, to courage, to action, and only last week, a feeling of happiness. Whoa, that one caught me by surprise.

All in all, I would not say I’m either cynical or jaded. I am finally learning to enjoy life on my own, something I never thought I could. I never thought I would have to (except through death). I feel I need to learn to be happy by myself, and if someone comes along that would be wonderful. I’m certainly not looking for it, at least not yet, but I do feel that the possibility is out there someday. I know I will be wary. I will never be the naive, gullible, trusting person I once was. But I know not everyone’s like my ex. I know I have work to do on myself so I won’t be as vulnerable, also. This whole experience has in some ways been positive (boy, it wasn’t too long ago that I never would have thought I’d say anything like that). I have always been a compassionate person, but this makes it all the more heartfelt. It’s not compassion on an intellectual level, like, oh, that’s too bad; I’m sorry. It’s tears in the eyes, pain in the gut, love, reaching out. I am not ready to thank God for all this yet, but I’m beginning to see that someday I might.

EnnLondon

Dr Steve: I’m probably being too flexible in my interpretation of it, but I didn’t see ‘privatio bono’ so much as a choice between good and evil, but just literally as ‘deprived of good.’ That (since I’ve been reading about sociopaths – yes, they supposedly know the difference between right and wrong, but what’s their motivation for choosing right when they’ve been deprived of what we all value – meaningful connections with our fellow human beings) in some personalities the things that we would traditionally describe as good (obviously that’s another discussion that could go on all day!) are just completely absent.

The thing about evil is it makes an onlooker judge others – I’ve certainly wanted to do that, and it’s only had a negative impact on me. But realising that sociopaths exist, I’ve no need to do that. They’re simply privatio bono! (Of course they’re ‘deprived of good’ altogether – ie no real joy as experienced by the rest of us). I have absolutely no idea what society’s meant to do about them though.

Anyway apart from that – thanks for your excellent blog, which I found thanks to this superb site. This whole issue raises so many paradoxes and is utterly mind-bending; thank goodness for all these great sites making us realise we’re not alone.

jofary

My experience has not been positive as far as my attitude is concerned. Maybe time will change that but I doubt it.

If I were to describe myself prior to my experience with my last psychopath, I would tell you I was a sweet, patient, caring and probably overly-tolerant woman. Optimistic, too. While, I was not an overly religious person, I did believe in God and felt “close” to the spiritual world. I know that if I had met someone who had the same values as me, we would have had a happy union, and perhaps even a beautiful one.

My experience with my money-hungry, pedophilic psychopath has left me deeply, probably permanently wounded. Now I have difficulty accepting that God even exists. (After all, if he existed, wouldn’t he have heard – and answered – my prayers asking whether or not this was a person I should be involved with? I didn’t ignore God. He ignored me.)

All those things I was before I met my second psycopath have changed. And it’s not because I feel bitter. I simply can trust no one.

I am “jaded” and “suspicious” and much more self-centered than I have ever been. I have to be because I’m raising three vulnerable, abused children who are not adequately supported by their sperm donors (fathers).

I don’t give a rat’s ass anymore about my sociopath’s “feelings” or desires or wants or needs (do I really need to justify why?) But, worse than that, I don’t give a rat’s ass about anybody else’s needs because, to me, everybody is probably a sociopath. I have no reason to think differently.

Whether sociopaths are “deprived of good” or downright “evil” means little to me now. At the end of the day, the result is the same: damage in copious amounts. I do NOT want to be a victim again and I do not want my children to continue to be victims, either.

I can’t help but mourn for the person I once was. I liked who I was and it saddens me that it was all wasted on such an unworthy “person.”

And while I don’t particularly dislike the person I’ve become, I certainly am not unhappy about the thought that the bad health habits I’ve deliberately picked up since my psychopath left me for greener pastures will have me kicking up daisies within twenty years instead of forty. I’m not unhappy about that at all.

EnnLondon

Jofary: Gosh, it sounds like a nightmare. It’s bad enough to go through that emotional wrangle for a couple of years – I cannot imagine how you must feel with children involved. I’m sorry you had to go through all that.

I think we all get different things out of this forum at our various stages of suffering and recovery. The only reason I want to know about ‘evil’ and the sociopath’s needs (well motivations really) is in order to understand it all. I’m getting to the end of that stage now I think, but I doubt I’d be this well now if I hadn’t seen actual sociopaths discuss what it is that they want. While I didn’t realise this, I was always going to be vulnerable for the next sociopath (or even the return of the last one).

apt/mgr

Jofary
I, too, was what some considered very laid back and maybe sweet and naive. I trusted God implicitly to direct my path and surely thought the one I met and eventually married had to be of God. I’m seeing now that I probably ran ahead of God, but He brought something so good out of that miserable marriage and that’s my daughters and a better understanding of myself.

I’ve felt like a failure because I wanted this “perfect” kind of life involving my marriage and family to present back to God. I’ve since learned that I know God knew what I was going to have to endure, He also knew I wouldn’t give up on Him. I never stopped praying for truth, until after 31 years of marriage, truth finally came out. It was at that time I met a man who wanted us to be friends, but he saw the brokenness of my life and heart and used that for his gain.

Now that I’m on the other side, I can see what I missed but had the gut instinct to know something wasn’t right. After reading these accounts, I can see a pattern with so many out here who aren’t in the least real. But I’ve learned about my weaknesses and have been able to strengthen them. I’ve realized, too, that God never left me. It was me backing away from Him seeking love not knowing that love is a choice and if a man chooses to use me, he doesn’t love me. And in my intense hurt, through my marriage and this “friend”, I sought God even more for comfort. I’ve thought, with all the horrors going on in the world, I survived and the ones who didn’t care and tried to break my spirit, only showed me just how strong my faith is in God.

I’ve learned to understand my own body and desires even more. I’ve learned to be more guarded and to not spill my guts to just anyone. I shudder to think how I almost got in deeper with this friend who had so many ulterior motives. His words and actions didn’t mesh and as I’ve looked behind the scenes, I’ve had a picture painted of him, that makes me so thankful for insight. I like to think that God was walking behind me, like I did when my children learned to walk and ride a bicycle, etc., just waiting to pick me up. He could see what was going to happen, and He let me get my feet wet, but He didn’t totally let go. It was a major struggle, but something kept holding me back from making any kind of commitment to this man. I’m so glad.

I never knew that a fellow human being could be so loving, caring, seductive, yet turn so cold and calculating, but he was that way all along. He was softening me for the final kill. I believe that he was using the skills he used on all his other women to lure me in, then I’d end up paying his bills and taking care of his needs, while he was out getting his jollies elsewhere. I would be like his mother and he’d be out playing. He’s too much in love with himself for anyone else to love him. Way too much maintenance.

I keep reading these blogs and see bits and pieces of my life. These guys use the same worn out, tired lines, that have no backing. They are actors on the big screen. I told my friend that he forgot to hold up my cue cards because I missed my line. The ones I was involved with were like chameleons and could adapt to whatever situation they were in. Talking with them had so many pauses that I knew they were searching their minds for some comment. You ask a question and there was this pronounced pause, and you knew you were going to get another lie. I got so sick of trying to analyze the conversations and wondering what I should believe or not. I’m so glad I was spared marrying him.

But through it all, God never left. He just allowed me safety to test the spirits and to find out for myself that this man stinketh! I feel so much more enlightened than before. I wondered when I met this man, in the aftermath of my marriage, if he was my test or reward. He definitely was a test. I think Satan was waiting for me to take the bait from this man, but something (God) held me back from completely stepping into the quagmire of his life. I would have been forever miserable. I don’t keep secrets and his whole life is just one secret after another. I’ve honed my people skills trying to stay one step ahead of him. So all wasn’t bad. I’ve gone through all the stages of resentment, sadness, bitterness, etc. I must admit I’m not as jaded and cynical as before, but I’m very cautious. I have a definite attitude only when confronted with a lot of the same garbage this man and my husband exuded.

I’ve learned to never allow someone free rein with my emotions and it’s okay to tell them no way. I wasn’t created to satisfy a man’s lust just because he throws a few words of flattery my way. So all hasn’t been lost. The one who lost, even though he doesn’t realize it, is this man who has all the criteria that goes with sociopath. He’s the one who keeps burning bridges. He has this sense of entitlement and it’s like he commands preferential treatment. I was so blinded by his demeanor at first and now all I see is an aging Lothario who thinks he still has it. I actually feel sorry for him now, not in the usual way. Actually it’s a kind of embarrassment that he doesn’t see what others see and really thinks he’s special. Like he’s the originator of everything. He even one time, when I questioned something he did or said, held out his hands, and said, ” See the nail prints in my hands.” Like he was referring to himself as Christ and I was the doubting Thomas. That kind of freaked me out. I kept wondering what was going on in his head. I could never follow his thinking. I think he might have been into alcohol and drugs and that in itself messes the brain, and along with his other personality disorders, sure makes for a confusing relationship.

But I say all that, to say, Jofary, please don’t give up on God. He’s still there. With all the happenings in this life and the evils present, it’s harder to stay focused. Sometimes I apologize to God for my relationship problems, when there are babies being aborted faster than they are being born, killings of precious innocents, beatings, serial killers and rapists, etc. Much more serious than what I endured. Not to diminish the pain of these relationships, because my heart suffered, but it was God who walked me through all the pain, and He supplied the relief I needed. He is still there, just waiting and watching, for our return.

Benzthere

Stages, exactly EnnLondon, the grieving process, but I can’t recall if that has ever been discussed here before. And I should have added that I’ve been on here since last March, so this has taken me quite awhile. By now I’ve stopped reading most of the personal stories, because I’ve gotten the picture and they’re all similar and difficult to read, differing levels of pain, humiliation, and suffering. But no insensitivity was intended, Jofary. Imagine if you can, my arm and others’ around your shoulder. I am no theologian either, no born again Christian, and no bible thumper. I am only who I am, a simple believer, have been for as long as I can remember as my grandparents’ Midwestern farm was next door to the parsonage in a rural setting of a German farming community, and I’m a member of a church. But my faith is more about a personal relationship, deeper now, than being just about religion.

This forum is not the place for theological debate, but is just as EnnLondon described, a forum where we can each take what we need and learn what we will, not from a seat of judgment but from one of understanding. I appreciate everyone’s candid responses, everyone has their own personal approach, and we’re all here for the same things, healing, understanding and knowledge.

And I’ll certainly not disagree with EnnLondon about sociopaths often times ending up in prominent church positions, but what better backdrop of power to perform from. That was the distinguishing characteristic that immediately connected this man to me, a tie that makes all believers members of the same extended family.

His faith was different from mine, but he’d stated he had held a position in his former church’s hierarchy and he quoted scripture almost at will, not just a couple verses memorized, he knew the Word and better than I. I thought he was the fruit of my prayer, and in the beginning I thought he was the epitome of faith; kind, gentle, understanding, giving, loving and I thought our values and goals were in perfect harmony. He was down, but fighting to come back, a theme that plays well within my persona. As unbelievable as it now seems, I remember telling him that I didn’t understand how any woman could walk away from his loving kindness after he’d explained away a horrible divorce a few years prior.

Red flags, I saw many of them but thought I’d already earned my screen name Benzthere long before I met him. I am not a naive youngster unschooled in the ways of the world. In the first six months, he asked me to marry him, another red flag. I saw something abnormal going on, but relegated it first to loneliness then to having some dependency issues. I never connected his behavior to sociopathy and didn’t even read about it until later. After about six months, I pushed him back but didn’t slam the door. But my mantra from that time on was through the front door of honesty first, and once you’ve been on your knees in front of Him, only then come back to me. At that time, evil did not dress well, speak well, or have similar goals to mine. Fast forward two years, some boundaries I kept, I have never been one that doesn’t face issues or allow someone else not to, but some I didn’t keep. My desire for autonomy in a relationship only played right into his plan. And tenacity can be a double edged sword. I didn’t realize then that I was fighting for the soul of someone without a heart, without the capacity to give or receive love.

The discussion of good and evil makes for wonderful investigation. My own perspective of course is choosing to follow God or choosing to allow Satan’s foothold on your life and follow his ways. Dr. Steve the scriptures are full of references to the battle between God and Satan. Our adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he can devour. We are to be sober, be vigilant and take up the whole armor of God so that we may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. When the whirlwind passes by, the wicked is no more, but the righteous have an everlasting foundation. Between hearing this sermon at the appropriate time in combination with reading the Word and what I’d gleaned here, my light bulb was illuminated.

In my world, my faith is not reinforced by conscience, just the opposite. My conscience is reinforced by my faith where the Holy Spirit resides. My conscience doesn’t punish me, it leads me to introspection and repentance. Can a sociopath “discover” religion, of course and I’ll reference the thief on the cross (don’t know if he was also a sociopath) but he was joined that day with Christ in heaven. Likely not, I agree, but we always have that human condition, God given, of free choice. God doesn’t demand, he knocks softly and always invites. The absence you speak of I see as absence of brain and heart capacity, we agree again in the absence of good, but I cannot perceive his behavior as anything less than the pursuit of evil, consciously or not.

Thank you Dr. Steve for the link, interesting and now I too know about privatio bono . And I enjoy Norman Mailer. Though I’m not familiar with “the castle in the forest” I will look it up and read it.

I believe the man I’ve referred to here, was raised on fire, brimstone, and damnation, where the God of my heart is a loving Father. My quest was to understand how someone so immersed in the Word could live as he chooses to live. Even without emotion and conscience, he has the intelligence to read and comprehend. He goes so far as to climb upon his own personal pulpit and point a condemning finger at others while doing himself exactly what he condemns others for doing. From discussions between he and I, I truly believe his denial is so deep, he cannot see his own participation, instead he excuses it away. I am an “i” dotter and a “t” crosser, i.e., one BA is in Accounting, so I have saved most of our correspondence and can go back and look lest my current perception becomes cloudy. This has been and is the crux of my investigative effort, once I was on my way to realigning my own behavior. This site and Dr. Steve’s site, have been and are invaluable.

Beverly

T Benzthere, I relate to some of what you say. I am very independent and I am no pushover, fairly astute but like you, where I thought I had kept my autonomy and was safe, he was using that to take space to weave his mischief. Debating with him, just played into his hands, I did the emotional work in response to what he was setting up, and i took the wrap for the fallout.

I put in vast amounts of energy into trying to help him. At the time I couldnt understand why he rejected every bit of it. Letters that took me hours to write, were casually dismissed and tossed in the bin and at the time I can remember thinking what a hard man he is. I made many allowances for his ‘loner’ ways and I even commented on it. I even coaxed him to accepting help or therapy for his abusive childhood and he rejected all help – because I think he knew he had a personality disorder that is difficult to treat.

EnnLondon

Benzthere: ‘After about six months, I pushed him back but didn’t slam the door.’ Ouch. So familiar. We really do have to slam the door, don’t we? Preferably with parts of them trapped in it.

My parents brought me up away from any organised religion (my mother suffered a strict Catholic upbringing), but regardless they *did* believe, and they taught me to love other people and be caring towards others. Unfortunately, I think that made me easy prey – in a way I’ve turned out more ‘spiritual’ than if I’d been brought up in a religious atmosphere and with that came forgiving people anything at all, and thinking ‘there’s good and bad in everyone.’

‘My’ sociopath was brought up by a mother he describes as a ‘religious fanatic.’ From an early age she told her family they were all going to hell. She had her children distributing fliers for their Church and ultimately committed adultery, at which point her atheist husband committed suicide. She then abandoned her children to live with her new man and gave all the money from their house sale to their fairly unorthodox church. Is this a whole family of sociopaths, or sociopathic fantasy I wonder. (I met his sister and she seemed to support his story).

Hmmm stages:
WITH HIM: Brain doing somersaults constantly over what might be happening…making lists of female ‘friends’…sickness over maltreatment…blaming self…pity for him…humiliation…anger
LEAVING HIM: Frustration, fear (am I sure it’s not me?)…anger (watching his pathetic attempts to make me change mind)…hope (that I’ve got it all wrong and he’ll do the right thing this time and come back and apologise properly)…grief/disbelief (it’s finally over)…panic (I might see him again…sickness (seeing him already pursuing others and finding out what he was up to while you were with him from people who hadn’t wanted to tell you sooner)
FINDING THIS SITE: Acceptance…intrigue…solidarity! I’m genuinely fascinated by every new thing I read. I must have read enough textbooks to write a doctorate thesis!

Anyone else? Anger hasn’t affected me too much this time, and I’m glad, as I think it’s only any good to give you that initial ‘push’.

Has anyone else gone to therapists and talked for hours about the sociopath rather than your own problems? And then tried to convince the sociopath he’s got a personality order…(and what a great idea that is!)

findingmyselfagain

I went to therapy after the first year – knowing things werent right but I couldnt really put my finger on it. She said never try to explain to a sociopath that you think they are a sociopath. They dont see anything they do as wrong or even questionable and you will walk away angry and feeling again like you are making things up. Anger hasnt really played a part for me – I wished for anger so I could slam the door but as Dr. Steve called it “soft sociopaths” – that was mine. He didnt do the taking, borrowing, stealing, using etc. but rather gave to me to no end, paid for everything, was great sexually-very giving, treated me to so much kind doing and giving that it got to where I felt like a prostitute. Because inside I knew it was to keep the ugly stuff hidden. Why would I question his devotion, his intentions when it was so “apparent” that he only had eyes for me. This would go on 2-3 months then an episode would arise – necessary turbulance I suppose so he could shake things up. Usually involved women, disappearing acts, cell phone turned off and unreachable, or a cold shoulder for no reason etc.. I could make lists. but overall it would have been easier to dump him had he treated me bad, but he was too good to be true. Even now I question myself, but my gut knows. Every nice thing he did do, only made me feel more distant and knowing that I had to save myself soon. What a tangled web. The greatest healing is knowing you all understand.
Southernman – hope you dont mind if i check out your site.. I could use some spiritual healing. thank you

gillian

I have totally gone to a therapist and talked for hours (and hours) about the sociopath rather than my own problems. I’ve done the same thing with my Al-anon group (they’ve been so patient and tolerant) and also with my family and friends. I appreciate the love and support people have offered me. I think they realize the enormity of what I’ve been going through, but still, it must have been hard to listen to me talk endlessly about him, sometimes sharing a new horror but often covering the same ground. I was so obsessed with this man. For eight full months, he was virtually all I thought about. It’s only been the past month–since I finally got it that EVERYTHING with him is complete manipulation and have stopped talking to him–that I’ve been able to relinquish my obsession and sometimes talk about other things.

For me, though, I don’t think it could’ve been any other way. A while back, my therapist said she thinks I’ve been talking and thinking about him so much, and running to and fro and looking at phone bills and checking on him and on and on because I was avoiding grieving.

I knew she was right because tears came to my eyes when she said that. Besides, there was just so bloody much to assimilate and absorb. I think I needed to process, or re-process so many memories in the light of knowing what was actually going on.

This whole experience has been like one of those children’s picture toys. I don’t know what they’re called, but they’re those pictures that are covered with a clear, hard plastic sheet that has vertical ridges on it (I think I have also seen billboards that have the same effect). Anyway, if you look at them head-on, you see one picture, say, a cow. But if you move your head slightly to one side, you see a different picture, like maybe a pig.

And that’s how I look at my sociopath now. I was looking at him one way, the way he wanted to be perceived, but now my POV has shifted and I see he’s not a cow; he’s a pig.

Beverly

After the first 9 months and quite a few break ups, I paid a relationship counselling service to try and help me sort my head out because I felt like I was going mad. I had not come across his kind of behaviour before, saying one thing ‘You are the one’ ‘I love you so much’ then doing a disappearing act – it didnt make sense to me. I told the counsellor all the details and even she didnt pick up on the severity of what was going on, nor the fact that he is a narcissist, even though to me, now it is very obvious.

I also did, what some people have suggested here. Asked his family about him, asked work friends and they all said he was a decent bloke. I was always asking him questions about his past relationships, but he gave me vague answers like ‘ she went back with her ex’ and I couldnt check because this was in another area. Oh yes, he had moved around alot to very different parts of the country and had many many jobs. But I did speak to one of his ex women.

After I got rid of him I thought life would return to normal. I had no idea of how my mind would be so obssesive about him and all the chaos – like trying to put together a jigsaw with missing pieces. My health has suffered alot too and I have been exhausted on all levels. It has been very difficult to keep my responsibilities and my job going.

I had a goal that I have spent 10 years working towards and the last part of last year I was going to take steps to make it happen. Last Autumn when I got rid of him, I have been physically and mentally exhausted and my homelife was in chaos. Many of my friends just didnt understand what I was talking about. One friend, however, who was involved with a psycho man once has stood by me all the way and has listened to me endlessly going round and round in my mind. I have found being on this site very therapeutic and shocking at times to read the unbelieveable behaviour many people have put up with.

Beverly

Thank you so much Free for your kind words. You are so right, he used to occupy my thoughts from getting out of bed till going to bed. I do think about him on and off during most days but not all the time now and the thoughts are getting duller. I thought that by going to a Counsellor and asking around about him, his family and people who ‘know’ him (he said himself he was decent) and everyone I asked affirmed that he was decent – in fact, people often told me he was decent without me having to ask so I thought all in all, I had probably made a reasonably safe decision.

My health has suffered (I became ill with various aillments a few months after I met him) I was well with vitality before that and I have been constantly ill since. My immune system is very low and I have been completely exhausted by his nonsense and the emotional fallout I suffered afterwards. He of course floated into a relationship with someone else – which made me angry, as I put so much effort into him – he left me refusing to talk a single word and I havent seen him since.

I am looking forward to that time, when I get better and feel the joy of life again. Thanks again for those hopeful words.

Beverly

Bless you Free..

sstiles54

I don’t know if I can ever recover, emotionally, financially, or mentally. When you are left broken & bleeding, there’s just no help anywhere. I have called every help agency in my town, to no avail. It’s like the world is telling you, you are the dummy who fell for it, sorry about your luck.

alohatraveler

sstiles54,

I think you can recover but accept up front that you will be different after this. you won’t be your old self. You will be a new self. You will be you, only wiser.

I have seen more than one person state that in a bizarre twist, they are grateful for what they learned because they are stronger and smarter and wiser now. And as for me, I finally learned to stand up for myself and I will not let anyone talk me out of what I already know about myself. I am not those things the sociopath said I was…. he was describing himself.

I know that I have lost more than some people and a lot less than many others but what I take away from my experience is that it is not about what happens to us but the decisions we make and what we tell ourselves after a sociopathic encounter.

I have good days and bad days. I feel better and better as the Bad Man experience gets farther and farther away from my present moment and as I learn more and more.

When you have a happy moment, wring every bit of joy out of it that you can. You deserve it and do things that create joy for yourself… anything. Pot a houseplant, pick a flower, bake cookies, throw darts at his picture. If it makes you happy, then do it.

And hang in there.

Aloha.. E.R.

stunned

sstiles54,
I am 3 years out of a psychopathic relationship which has affected my life for a total of 18 years and counting now.
The man I was involved with was extremely sadistic and adept at non-stop, brutal psychological torture.

I share your sentiments. An experience of this kind has got to be one of the most entirely, deeply isolating experiences in this lifetime. I’m so grateful for forums like this because even though our own experiences are our own-so no one can really know the extent of the pain, damage and insanity of it…just knowing that others have gone thru similar experiences in their own way, takes a little of the edge of that feeling of complete isolation.

I am one of those who will NEVER look at this experience as any kind of gift, nor blessing in disguise, nor lesson nor anything of a positive nature-and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean that I won’t be able to move through the wreckage.

Because I still have very bad PTSD at this point still and have so far had no luck in finding adequate, relevant help through the regular channels in my community (DV center, local psychologists).

I started doing keyword searches online for psychologists with experience in Personality Disorders and I found a woman who clearly and totally understood the nature of what I had gone through.

She explained to me why it can be so difficult to find people who can constructively help us with these situations-to truly understand it and be able to provide the right kind of assistance to your client, you need to have studied the Personality Disorder at length and most “therapist” don’t ever do so as specializing in that kind of thing is not where their interest lies.

The 1 hour that I spent with her on the phone a few weeks ago, was so completely validating-I came away feeling a great sense of relief and that has been priceless.

Another route to possibly consider when searching for help which could be most useful for victims of Sociopaths may well be therapists who specialize in dealing with victims of Cults.

Cult victims tend to go through a similar kind of all- encompassing destruction of their self, emotions, minds, finances, and the therapists who treat former cult members are usually former victims themselves-they have lived it, so they have that understanding and would never think of you as the dummy that fell for it, gee so sad. They know.

There are people out there who can help, it’s a tragedy that they aren’t easier to find.

-Stunned

Ox Drover

Don’t know how I missed this great thread—and the wonderful comments on it. I can identify with most of them.

We go through such a MEGA-grief process, losing my husband in such a tragic way was horrible, but it was by comparison a “cake walk” to the grief I suffered over my Ps…I think maybe because there was no preventing the aircraft crash, it just WAS. It was NOT INTENTIONAL.

When my son D finally made a break from his fiancee after realzing that she was a narcissist, he told me “this was worse than the aircraft crash” He had been IN the plane as well and was severely burned over much of his upper body.

I think the SENSELESSNESS of the devestation wrought by the Ps and our own complicity in allowing this to continue past the FIRST RED FLAG makes healing from this more difficult.

My emotions during the MEGA-GRIEF process were more intense and “crazy” and self blaming than anything imaginable from any other trauma or happening. Plus, the length of time that we are involved makes it a much more, to me, bitter experience.

My emotions ranged over the full level of what is capable for a human being, I think. Then back again and again and again.

It is only my faith that has kept me mostly sane I think, that and good mental health care providers, and handsfull of psychotropic medications. In the past I have looked “down upon” some of the people who have been suckered into cults that are so “far out in left field” as to be almost “laughable” yet now I do NO LONGER LOOK DOWN UPON THESE PEOPLE, because I realize that I was sucked into a smaller “cult” but one that was just as “far out in left field”—

I would sum up my changes as “sadder, but wiser” over all, but the on-going healing process is going well, I think, and though I have some ways to go, I think over all I am neither jaded nor cynical, just wiser, and listen more to my own emotions rather than to the “tapes” that tell me what I “should or should not” feel or think. I have a greater respect for myself and my own wisdom, and I am LISTENING TO MYSELF MORE NOW. Setting boundaries in relationships that are reasonable, and enforcing them. Some of those boundaries are NO CONTACT, or VERY limited contact.

silvermoon

I can’t help being reminded of Carly Simon’s song “the way I thought it should be”…

I think the revalation in it all is that what I believed to be true about how relationships worked was missing some key elements of understanding.

So what made me happy was having my expectations for that filled.

What makes me suspicious is understanding now that there were some really important things I was missing.

Some perspectives that didn’t lead to the real I thought I found.

And some of it is just the fault of a liar. He marched right in and lied.

That was one person. It doesn’t make anyone else a liar- (although it will provoke me to check more carefully).

Now that one person is fired from my life. He was actually escorted out.

He made his business lying to women and he was methodical and very purposeful about it. I got lied to by someone who was really good at it.

Does that make me anything? I think it says I was targeted and hit. That is what these guys do and this one got to me.

OK. Does that make me Something I wasn’t before? Wiser? Yes. I have learned a great deal- not all stuff I would have picked – I mean basketweaving might really be more pleasant!

Stronger- Yeah. Anytime I can connect and be part of a community like the one here, I am strengthened.

I guess I see experience good or bad as additive, not detractive.

Why do I have to be anything except someone who was lied to and learned the truth?

My interest and goal at this point is to find out what I didn’t understand and why, to find out how to learn it and move on with MY life.

If one describes themselves as jaded, what does that really mean? It strikes me as taking the posture of a wounded mystery which dares rescuers. An invitation to more of the same it seems to me.

Cynics are bores. They know it all already and have nothing to learn. And it seems to me that people who know it all and have no need to exert effort to learn give off a toxic kind of aura- but, that is just me.

There is no gain to hiding in anyway from what hurts about being betrayed severely and there are people here who have been hit much worse than I was if you want to put that on a scale.

I think we have to call it square and say I’ve had a painful emotional experience. Or maybe even a bunch of them. It does hurt.
There are specific things that I can do about it.
There are things I can learn from it.
And unless I choose to do so, I don’t have to have this experience again.

I may choose to help others along my process which is a way of grounding the things I am learning and participating in a community which is supportive will help me not to go backwards into the fantasy which I thought was my life.

In all of it, I am not diminished. I have only to gain and grow here. I find the opportunity to be a blessing and look back on the intervention of that relationship as having been on the order of Divine.

I have been very, very lucky to find this place and this knowledge and I am saddened only by the understanding that there are suffering people out there who don’t know what we do.

I am very,very lucky not to be in that population so how could I possibly describe myself as jaded? or cynical?

I don’t see the community here as either of those things by far no matter how tough their stories are.

In life, experience counts. Look at what we know now. Wow.

I think it is true that there is a very limited resource pool for finding help but a huge population of professionals who want to get paid.

I don’t understand why or how I got through life being so naive about these kinds of men. But I did. And I opened the door to him believing what he said was true. Now, I belong to a community of people who share that experience.

This is a community that has a right to ask for solid results, clear boundaries and straight talk and action.

Kinda like a cowboy sittin in the dirt after gettin’ horse kicked. Ever been kicked? Well, it’ll knock you down and hurt for a while.

How long you gonna sit there? Are you gonna walk around the back end like that again and what did you learn about why they did?

Nuthin’ from nuthin’ is nuthin’. That’s just the way it is.

If you can walk, you can ride.
Dont do that again.
Cowboy up and move on.

I think I will write a book about Roost Cockburn as a therapist….

My point is that nothing, not even labels that allow us to get stuck here or defined by this is of value to the recovery process.

Ox Drover

Looking back at this article and my post (I posted on this thread almost two years to the day ago) and reading what I wrote then, and being able to SEE what I thought at that time (two years ago) and seeing also, the things I have learned in those two years, the ups and downs I’ve had since then, mostly as a result of “getting kicked” again….but also of me not respecting the ability of a horse/mule/donkey to kick! I see that I HAVE moved along on the road closer to healing, but it only reinforces my knowledge that “healing” is a journey, not a destination.

silvermoon

Life is the journey with only one destination.

What is real is that we have been required to learn about these animals along our journey, but their kicks do NOT define us.

We get up, we move on and what happens next there is no way of knowing. All we can do is the best we can.

And that, over and over again.

Can I say that I believe that NEVER AGAIN right now? No.
It is that which provokes the deepest concerns.

What I will do now is the best I can to learn from it and move on.

And I will learn once more to respect the ass end of a mule for what it is and can do to me.

all ignorance toboggans into know
and trudges up to ignorance again:
but winter’s not forever,even snow
melts;and if spring should spoil the game,what then?

all history’s a winter sport or three:
but were it five,i’d still insist that all
history is too small for even me;
for me and you,exceedingly too small.

Swoop(shrill collective myth)into thy grave
merely to toil the scale to shrillerness
per every madge and mabel dick and dave
—tomorrow is our permanent address

and there they’ll scarcely find us(if they do,
we’ll move away still further:into now.
ee cummings

angelforyou

This is my first post on this sight. My S LEFT me while I was at work. For several weeks prior to his leaving I could feel something amiss. There was a deep vacancy in him. So distant, I almost felt like he was not even there physically.

It took me 8 months to start researching what I was dealing with. I immediately went into damage control the moment I came home from work that day, and am still in that mode. I am not yet divorced from him. In a sense, I feel in limbo.

My attitude….I am on high alert, anxious, isolating as much as I can. I do go to work, but that is all I can do, and my work confidantes say I am holding up a good front at work. I am telling you that is all I can do to work my 3 days (12-13hrs)and honestly I could sleep and DO on my days off.

For the 2 1/2 years, yes that is all that we were together, I was exhausted trying to believe in him, trying to express my support, trying to fathom his spending my hardearned money, his refusing to work, lying, late night internet.

Ox Drover

Dear Angel,

Welcome to Love Fraud, glad you are here even if it took a trauma to get you to this comforting place.

I’ve “kept up a front” in life for most of my life, surrounded by Ps, and I know it takes a lot of energy to do that.

It is a GOOD thing he left you, that he is GONE and now you can heal. It takes time, energy and support in which to heal, to find out what made you vulnerable to this MONSTER of a man, but I am glad you are here. Read, go back through the archives of articles and read every article (just the articles at first) and SOAK in all the information there. Some of it may not resonate with you yet, but it will. It will all helpl you on your way toward healing from this thing.

Be good to yourself on those days off, and if you are suffering the signs and symptoms of depression, I suggest you seek professional and medical help for that. It won’t take away the pain, but may help you work through it easier. There is no easy way to heal over this, no “pill” that will make it instantly go away.

Take care of YOU and be good to yourself. Do healthy things even if you don’t feel like doing them. ((((hugs)))) and God Bless you. Glad you found your way here to this place.

learnthelesson

Dear Angelforyou,

Welcome to LF…this is a healing place…lots of interesting articles to read, and so much support from so many who have experienced very toxic unhealthy relationships. Im sorry for your pain, and glad you had an Angel watching over you to get him out of your life. Thank you for sharing your journey and hope you continue to share how you go through the damage control and get out of limbo to walk on….as its an achievable goal of so many of us here at LF. Take care of you,

angelforyou

Oh Thank You Ox!, and Bless You LTL!

Hello All,

I am greatful for this sight, and reading all I can. I realize many of you have gone through much of the same and more, or similar stories. It is insidious and calculating how they are.

Ox, thank you for sharing about putting up a front. It seems like I have a double life. I am depressed at home and can’t be depressed at work. It takes all my energy to get through work. To the extent I am considering a new career.

Life goes on. And I am lucky to have grown up with a strong work ethic embedded in me by my mother, family, and friends as I grew up and began learning life’s lessons. As I am trying to undo his emotional and financial damage.

He committed identity fraud on my accounts. When the ID theft is by your spouse, it is kind of taken with a grain of salt. So, I am still trying to make the bank somewhat accountable for allowing him to pretend he was me and put my accounts “on line”.

When I got home from work, there were huge bags of shredding, and a smashed up computer motherboard, among other things. I felt disbelief and shock. My mind keeps taking me back to that Saturday evening when I walked in the door and realized he had left.

I promise, I AM working on it. I have my moments. And winter is almost over.

Take Care,
Angel

angelforyou

When he left me 8 months ago, each of my sisters said, “Well Thank God you are still alive.” Every time I heard that I actually felt like screaming and got nauseated. As I thought it over, I realized that when it was happening to me in the first week , what I was feeling was ( I thought then, in my confusion) that I did not want to be living, feeling as anxious, betrayed, scared, caught off guard, numb, paralyzed, irritable, afraid for my life and my loved ones lives. No wonder those words were not consoling at the time. I am sure now that he would have loved me to find a convenient accidental demise. He often whined about wanting to make a trip to the Grand Canyon…Yikes!

I want to get back to where I was three years ago, when I had good self esteem, a feeling of security, wanting to actually be around people, and in touch with life. Loved my job. Engaged with work.

I love my sisters and my friends and care for them dearly. And I am forever indebted to family and friends who were right where I needed them in my time of shock.

It has been a long winter all over.

Today it was 60 degrees, I got some sun on the back deck. And I agreed to go to dinner with a friend on Friday.

Progress!

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