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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Thoughts about All Alone

Editor’s note: The following email was sent by a Lovefraud reader, whom we’ll call “Pamela.” She was married to a sociopath and subject to domestic violence.

ALL ALONE

All Alone, I am lying on the floor, all “woe is me,” the man who promised to love me lied. I can’t find a friend and my own mother’s phone doesn’t work.

All Alone, I’m crying on this floor.

All Alone, I notice I am still here. I am sad, but still here, and I’ve protected my dog that he threatened. My dog is still here. And my body is healthy, even after it has been thrown and bruised, I can still GET UP.

All Alone, I feel my feet, I wiggle my toes.

All Alone, the tears stop falling, and I look at my feet, and I rise.

AND NOW, I am swelling with gratitude for the all alone I had because I learned that even if it seems like no one cares about me, I STILL care about me, and I will find others that will. I will find help. I will end this and the feelings of failure and worthlessness he tried to transfer to me. Those are NOT mine. But this body, these feet—these are mine. And so I say to them: start walking.

Thank you, Alone, because without You, I would not be able to hear my own voice.


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66 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Thoughts about All Alone"

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Thank you Pamela for this message of hope.

Very beautiful!

Dear Pamela,

Thank you for sharing this with LoveFraud. God bless you on your journey to healing!

Pamela;
Thank you for your message.
One of hope and inspiration.
Even in our darkest hours…..we walk along….BUT…we must continue to walk and carry our shadows close!

Keep on walking girl…..don’t ever give up!

Pamela ~

There is such a strong message here, written in such beautiful words.

Wonderful

Pamela

Thank you for writing this and sharing this. I feel like you share my pain. There are days (not today!) that I actually feel good and happy. Those days will come.

Pamela,
very nice. Alone is the first step.

Pamela – very profound..

All ALone:
The most powerful weapon you have against this evil is that you found the strength to care about YOU. Without that one thing, all the help in the world would have been moot.

To borrow a word: TOWANDA!!

All Alone…Take Your Power Back….Do Not Give it to Him!

Hasn’t he taken enough?

Hello there, I am new to this place but want you wonderful people to know how much comfort I have taken from reading your stories of survival. I am only four days NC and taking each day slowly ….trying to re build my shattered life after 4 years of my very own spath nearly took everything. Or should I say I nearly let him! A long way to go but wanted to let you know how inspired I am. Thank you x

Strongwoman;
Each day improves….you have good days, n bad……but stick to it….life opens up when you allow it!
NC is the key!

Glad you found LF…..it’s a wonderful place to find support!

XXOO
EB

Dear Strongwoman,

Welcome to LoveFraud! Glad you are NC–hang on to that NO CONTACT like a life raft! Hang on to it for DEAR LIFE!!!!

This is a wonderful place to find information and support! KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!!!! Again, [email protected] God bless.

Oh that is so great to get that lovely feedback. Thanks ox drover…hav been reading all bout you an haven’t been able to drag myself away. I thought it was just me on my own….how ashamed am I!!! And Erin thane for your words of kindness and encouragement. Four years of my life …were that gone? Trying so hard to beleeve it’s not a waste. What an idiot I hav been. Onwards yes?

Strongwoman,

Strength and courage! LF is a place with supportive and caring friends who understand. You will keep getting stronger and stronger. Trust yourself and care for yourself!

Er that shud say thane Erin! X

Thanks omg x

Bless you dancing warrior.

Not sure if this is right place to post this comment? My ex is trying real hard to contact me but am resisting an ignoring him. Am a bit worried that he gun a just turn up which he has done before. God ….I hate this. Tempted to tx him an say get ….ed but am trying to follow rules of NC which incidentally are helpin me to feel mor empowered bt!! Help?

StrongaWoman

No Contact is usually the best course of action.

It looks like there is a typo in your post, something about a gun?

Please don’t respond to him at this time.

Athena

Dear Strongwoman,

Yes, he may just “turn up” but you have the option to NOT OPEN THE DOOR….or to walk away….you do not have to be “nice” or “polite” or anything else except NO CONTACT…..you have the right to NOT let him control you. YOU TAKE CONTROL WHEN YOU REFUSE TO INTERACT WITH HIM. Sometimes it is difficult to maintain the no contact, but that is how WE take back CONTROL over our lives. Good luck.

Athena,
I think Strongawoman meant “that he’s GOING to just turn up…” 🙂

You obviously have guns prominently in your mind!

Strongawoman,
NC is the game.
Any emotion is what he wants, so telling him off will just turn him on.

If he shows up, do not answer the door. make him think you aren’t home. If he knows that you are, just don’t speak to him. Pretend you are a zombie. Stare at him and then yawn. If you must speak with him, tell him you have a fungus in between your toes and ask him if he’d like to look at it. (unless he has a foot fetish!! Wait, take that back) Tell him you have terrible dandruff and have tried everything, to no avail.

Sky,

Ha! Yes! I do have guns on my mind! I am more fearful of my spath right now.

Got it.

I vote for a fish oil capsule at the ready. Those things have a repeating factor that could kill an elephant. Be sure to speak closely to his face.

Seriously Strongawoman:
Feel your empowerment by YOU choosing to NC him. It’s like cutting off someone’s access to HARM YOU. Like sayin NO more opportunities to HARM ME. And remember, they try to get in by being nice (the opportunity). YOU get to CHOOSE not to GIVE Opportunity. Towanda!!!!

Thank you and yes I mention going to as in gona turn up haha. He hasn’t turned up and am feeling much better. Thanks again you lovely people xxxx

Towanda?? Lol?x

Haha yes Athena …. I let him look at hair growing outa my chin. He hates hairy women

Strongawoman, ‘Towanda’ is an empowerment expression here. Instead of ‘well done’ and ‘more power to you’ we say towanda here. 🙂

Dear darwinsmom, great expression may I say towanda to you all. Thanxfor the words of encouragement agen

Here’s a song I found hautingly beautiful before I listened specificaclly to the lyrics. Then I started to listen. It’s about a man who hates it that his ex-gf went NC with him. She has a voice too and in two lines explains that he screwed her over all the time and then made it out to be her fault and she doesn’t want anything of that anymore. He still screams he finds it low and unfair that she went NC. The video clip underlines the process even more.

At first you only see the artist who ends up being boydpainted into the background. Then you notice a woman who was already bodypainted into the background (did he abuse her and make her feel as if she was unimportant within the relationship?). She steps out of the background and sings her retort. Eventually, the bodypaint disappears from her body and she is the individual who is really there, while he remains the past.

Gotye with “Somebody I used to know”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY&feature=related

darwinsmom:

That was an awesome video!

It’s funny… many people seem to think he’s the one who’s suffering from a heartbreak. But that is totally not what he says. Here’s the lyrics:

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

(Kimbra) Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
And I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know…

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

I used to know
That I used to know

Somebody…

Notice his decision to be with her: because she felt so happy she could die. He’s not talking about his own feelings at all… her feelings were what made him “think”, but NOT feel. When he talks of the relationship he calls her ‘company’ and it had no effect on him at all… he was ‘lonely’, and he calls it ‘love’. No one who feels would ever call that love. Then next he talks about the endings. Apparently he has been through many endings, and he’s addicted to the endings. “When we couldn’t make any sense,” does not need any explanation for us 😉

Her words say it all: he screwed her over, blamed her for it, and his word salads.

It’s a genius song: video and lyrics… and beautiful!

darwinsmom:

Thanks for the in depth explanation…I appreciate that. Yeah, and when he says, “Told myself you were right for me”…it’s like he was only talking himself into the relationship…like he didn’t have any “real” feelings.

It is genius and Kimbra’s voice is beautiful!

Louise: ““Told myself you were right for me—it’s like he was only talking himself into the relationship”like he didn’t have any “real” feelings.”

Exactly! I think the facial expressions reveal where the true emotions lie. She makes her case of how it was a bad relationship, and all he can reply in anger is basically “but you shouldn’t go NC on me. It’s not fair! You’re mine! You have no right to do that. It doesn’t matter what I did to you.”

While Liar is THE song to remind us who’s behind the mask. This is THE song to remind us what is our only true resource; NC! It heals and leaves the spath powerless.

NC drives psychopaths NUTS!!!! During the one year that my son Patrick did not get any letters from us (even my egg donor) after his Trojan Horse buddy got arrested for trying to kill my son C, he would write a letter to my egg donor, and at first it was a Pity Ploy and like NOTHING HAD HAPPENED….she had tried to get him to take college courses for years and offered to pay for them….and he had given excuses why he couldn’t do that…..so, as soon as he sees she is not going to write him back, he writes (pretending nothig has happened) and tells her to send him $1500 for tuition to college that he has decided to take courses…..then no response so he writes back, BLAMING HER because she didn’t send the money and NOW HE HAS LOST THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO TO COLLEGE…then he starts writing others to get them to “call and check on Grandma, I haven’t heard from her and I’m worried about her” so all these people start calling Grandma’s house and at that tiime she just says “I’m fine” and hangs up….then he writes back with another pity ploy, and then angry because no one responds to him, and so on….well….eventually egg donor sends him money, and we find out she is doing that, then lying to us about it, and then she starts corresponding with him and passing information to him about us….so my sons and I are NC with her, though I have to communicate about business of the farm from time to time….but NC drives them CRAZY. She has gone to great lengths to find out INFORMATION about us, anything to be sneaky about it…I’m sure she gets some information from the neighbors about us, but that’s about the only information she gets and I make sure she gets some DIS-information as well.

So while we might LIKE TO TELL THEM OFF, tell them to “go to hell” that is actually only FEEDING THEM with ATTENTION and so the thing that REALLY hurts them is NO CONTACT, NO ATTENTION. No matter how they try, you will not respond. Telling them off doesn’t hurt them, because they don’t really care what you think, but NOT RESPONDING TO THEM AT ALL IS THE ULTIMATE INSULT TO A PSYCHOPATH WHO IS NARCISSISTIC and thinks the world revolves around them. NC shows them that YOU have control and that no matter what they do, you don’t even care enough to notice.

Funny thing, in the past I have gone NC several times with my egg donor, but didn’t think about it as “NC” just that I was TOO ANGRY TO TALK TO HER, and didn’t think about it as PERMANENT, so when I went NC this time, she did not think of it as permanent either, but assumed that when I “got over my mad” that we would PRETEND NONE OF THIS EVERY HAPPENED AND START OVER, as we had always done in the past.

WHAT SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND is that “No Contact” is FOREVER and “not talking to you because I’m mad” isn’t permanent. In the past we did the “not talking” routine, but it was understood it wasn’t forever, so she doesn’t see the difference between NC and Not talking. She won’t see the difference, and she’s trying to make inroads now that What she figures is “enough time” has passed….like trying to find out where son C lives. The last time she tried to find out where he lived he sent her a SCATHING E MAIL telling her to QUIT trying to find out where he lives, so what does she do? She makes up an excuse to call me on “business” and then says “by the way, is C still in X-town?” I reminded her that he had sent her an e mail telling her NOT TO EVEN TRY TO FIND WHERE HE IS LIVING….

She admitted she did get the e mail. Of course she didn’t think about RESPECTING his boundaries he had set in that e mail and leaving him ALONE.

My egg donor would not score very high on the “psychopathic check list–revised” at all, much less high enough to be considered a psychopath, but she is manipulative and her manipulation is so extreme that it could cost me my life, so she is TOXIC, she is WILLING to lie to cover up for a murderer, and she is determined to BE IN CONTROL and to PUNISH ME if I do not let her control me. So that makes her someone I do not want contact with, and someone I cannot trust to have my best interest at heart even though she doesn’t “qualify” as a “psychopath.”

darwinsmom:

A powerless spath…I cherish the thought 🙂

ha! cherish the thought. I HEAR THAT! 🙂

Okay, so, last night was all Hallows Eve and the yearly stalking started. It has continued into this morning with all these different people trying to contact me and I have no clue who they are. It is almost like an influx of ants at a picnic.

But, I can tell you ONE THING: Dupey is not going to tolerate this stalking for very much longer before she makes it stop for good. 🙂 I am fully aware of my legal rights and avenues and whether “IT” likes it or not, THIS WILL CEASE.

Is there anyone else here that has this ‘stalking scenario’ for ten years? I mean, just constantly. It will be quiet for a little while and then it starts up all over again. I said that the NC I imposed this past May would not make it past the six month point and today is exactly SIX MONTHS, NC on my behalf.

OX: You are so absolutely dead-on, in what you posted up there. A little hug I found this morning. NC means just that: NC. IF they continue to break it, that is on them. IF YOU DO IT you are only putting yourself right back out there to get jabbed at some more. These people are not normal in the way they perceive ‘life’ and kindness and virtue…they are warped and twisted with different priorities than the rest of us.

If we don’t stop it and take measures to ensure OUR OWN safety and that includes mind of thought and emotions..if WE DONT take control of the situation, just to WHERE would it spiral to? I think, in my case, murder. My murder. Only thing is that I have lots and lots and lots of back up. So the ball really is in my court at this moment.

It’s all so disheartening to me, also trying to recover from this heart problem, dealing with this stalking crap from “IT”. Like a child – a naughty little 12 year old boy, stomping his foot, jumping up and down: “I am sorry! I am sorry! I am sorry! Alright?” NO, it isn’t alright. It is never going to be alright ever again so stop coming back. Shoo! You are lucky you are free, make something of it.

Thanks Ox for inspiring a rant. xxoo

Dupey

I smell the scent of it whispering on the wind…

Now is time to take the final stand for myself.
And, trust me, folks, it is going to happen.

*HAPPY DAY and BLESSINGS*

Dupity Doo Duh Dipity Aye…
6 months NC: drinks are on me…

Congrats on 6 months!! that’s a milestone for sure. Dig him a symbolic grave – and bury his memory like a bad dream.

Thank you skylar. It is a HUGE milestone; least for me. Apparently, it might be one for “IT” as well.

Like the ugly nightmare it was…you mean…
like the ugly nightmare it is still trying to be…

Frozen in time, in the books of history, never to return.

((thanks skylar for the wishes))

Dupey

Dear Dupey,

Congratulations on your 6 months! That is a great milestone! I am so proud of you!! TOWANDA!!!!

We can’t control what they do, only our reaction to it! Sometimes they turn up the heat to try to get a reaction from us and oh, how I have WANTED to respond! To tell them to go Fark themselves! But you know, it is much more frustrating to them to have NO RESPONSE. No response proves that WE are the ones in control! Oh, how they hate that! The jump and stomp and try to get our attention, and we continue to SHUN them, to SCORN them and oh, how they HATE IT! LOL It is more punishing than anything else we can do to them. LOL ROTFLMAO So when he makes contact, when he stalks you, you know it is because YOUR NC IS FRUSTRATING THE FARK OUT OF HIM! LOL

Dupey, TOWANDA on your 6 months. I wish you all the strength and best to silence him away again.

People just don’t seem to understand it, I think, Oxy, when I read your story about your egg donor and murderous offsping. They keep reasoning as if we’re dealing with normal people and how cruel we are to break all contact, they judge us for being judgemental on a few people who obviously have no respect for us at all, or they think we’re in denial and have no courage to face the reasons why the other (partner, mother, son) hurt us, as if we caused it, deserve it, that there must be 2 sides of hte same story.

Well there isn’t. We’ve done all that while being in contact with those toxics: being understanding, forgiving, blaming ourselves, and it only got worse and worse and worse. NC is healing, NC is peace, NC is structure, NC is having a life again, NC is loving ourselves, and NC is taking any satisfaction away from them.

DUPEY

You’re my hero. I am so so so happy for you.

Athena

Thanks you guys and Ox: xx – that’s for hitting the nail right on the head. The tables have turned just a little NOW; haven’t they? 🙂 Not so ‘comfortable’ on the other side of that coin. You can safely bet that I have been on ITS mind a lot lately..strange, considering I have had no contact with “IT”…Somehow they always seem to forget what you tell them…the difference is MEANING IT and NOT meaning it. I mean it. 🙂

Thank you Athena and darwinsmom. It has been a long five years of torture to get to this point, trust me.
I am having an apple cider and celebrating…

Love and best of wishes to you all….

Dupey

TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DUPEY IS SIX MONTHS FREE TODAY!!!!!
WAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dupey that scent you smell in the wind is skunk, let my wiener’s out to go pee before bedtime and they chased a skunk under the house and well thats why I am up so late – everything reeks……I bathed them in Apple scented shampoo, so at least there is a touch of apple mixed in with the skunk..
Yahoo on six months ~! wtg <—that means way to go ~! dupey do…

Hens
I read somewhere that baking soda neutralizes skunk. Something worth trying?

ps My neighbor has alaskan husky. We can smell that dog half a block away. He loves to roll in dead carcasses. We have lots of dead critters in the woods lately b/c of bad drought. Husky heaven. Drives off the skunks though…

Dupey! SIX MONTHS! Hot dawg!Am SO happy for you. We need more people to share their victories! Me and my dog will do a wee happy dance in your honor. Her tongue hangs out but I keep mine to a managable Q.

Thx for your post ’cause I LOVE the boost of joy I get from living vicariously through other people’s success esp b/c it’s an affirmation of the goodness that comes from a healthy life path.

Hens,

By the way, I wanted to point out that my comments to you yesterday (about the “brevity” of your posts! etc.), were meant in an entirely affectionate and bantering way. I intended it as a genuine compliment to your wry humor and “to the point” statements; and I’m pretty sure you took it that way – but just in case!

Very well – just wanted to be very clear on that: You’re a great guy, and I’d never want you to think that I could treat you with anything but the respect and friendship you deserve.

Dupey,

I didnt’ see that it was your six month anniversary yesterday, so add one more “congratulations” to your list! Good for you Ms. D.!

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