UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following email was sent by a Lovefraud reader, whom we’ll call “Pamela.” She was married to a sociopath and subject to domestic violence.
ALL ALONE
All Alone, I am lying on the floor, all “woe is me,” the man who promised to love me lied. I can’t find a friend and my own mother’s phone doesn’t work.
All Alone, I’m crying on this floor.
All Alone, I notice I am still here. I am sad, but still here, and I’ve protected my dog that he threatened. My dog is still here. And my body is healthy, even after it has been thrown and bruised, I can still GET UP.
All Alone, I feel my feet, I wiggle my toes.
All Alone, the tears stop falling, and I look at my feet, and I rise.
AND NOW, I am swelling with gratitude for the all alone I had because I learned that even if it seems like no one cares about me, I STILL care about me, and I will find others that will. I will find help. I will end this and the feelings of failure and worthlessness he tried to transfer to me. Those are NOT mine. But this body, these feet—these are mine. And so I say to them: start walking.
Thank you, Alone, because without You, I would not be able to hear my own voice.
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Lovefraud originally posted this story on Oct. 27, 2011.
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Here’s a song I found hautingly beautiful before I listened specificaclly to the lyrics. Then I started to listen. It’s about a man who hates it that his ex-gf went NC with him. She has a voice too and in two lines explains that he screwed her over all the time and then made it out to be her fault and she doesn’t want anything of that anymore. He still screams he finds it low and unfair that she went NC. The video clip underlines the process even more.
At first you only see the artist who ends up being boydpainted into the background. Then you notice a woman who was already bodypainted into the background (did he abuse her and make her feel as if she was unimportant within the relationship?). She steps out of the background and sings her retort. Eventually, the bodypaint disappears from her body and she is the individual who is really there, while he remains the past.
Gotye with “Somebody I used to know”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY&feature=related
darwinsmom:
That was an awesome video!
It’s funny… many people seem to think he’s the one who’s suffering from a heartbreak. But that is totally not what he says. Here’s the lyrics:
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
(Kimbra) Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
And I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know…
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
I used to know
That I used to know
Somebody…
Notice his decision to be with her: because she felt so happy she could die. He’s not talking about his own feelings at all… her feelings were what made him “think”, but NOT feel. When he talks of the relationship he calls her ‘company’ and it had no effect on him at all… he was ‘lonely’, and he calls it ‘love’. No one who feels would ever call that love. Then next he talks about the endings. Apparently he has been through many endings, and he’s addicted to the endings. “When we couldn’t make any sense,” does not need any explanation for us 😉
Her words say it all: he screwed her over, blamed her for it, and his word salads.
It’s a genius song: video and lyrics… and beautiful!
darwinsmom:
Thanks for the in depth explanation…I appreciate that. Yeah, and when he says, “Told myself you were right for me”…it’s like he was only talking himself into the relationship…like he didn’t have any “real” feelings.
It is genius and Kimbra’s voice is beautiful!
Louise: ““Told myself you were right for me—it’s like he was only talking himself into the relationship”like he didn’t have any “real” feelings.”
Exactly! I think the facial expressions reveal where the true emotions lie. She makes her case of how it was a bad relationship, and all he can reply in anger is basically “but you shouldn’t go NC on me. It’s not fair! You’re mine! You have no right to do that. It doesn’t matter what I did to you.”
While Liar is THE song to remind us who’s behind the mask. This is THE song to remind us what is our only true resource; NC! It heals and leaves the spath powerless.
NC drives psychopaths NUTS!!!! During the one year that my son Patrick did not get any letters from us (even my egg donor) after his Trojan Horse buddy got arrested for trying to kill my son C, he would write a letter to my egg donor, and at first it was a Pity Ploy and like NOTHING HAD HAPPENED….she had tried to get him to take college courses for years and offered to pay for them….and he had given excuses why he couldn’t do that…..so, as soon as he sees she is not going to write him back, he writes (pretending nothig has happened) and tells her to send him $1500 for tuition to college that he has decided to take courses…..then no response so he writes back, BLAMING HER because she didn’t send the money and NOW HE HAS LOST THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO TO COLLEGE…then he starts writing others to get them to “call and check on Grandma, I haven’t heard from her and I’m worried about her” so all these people start calling Grandma’s house and at that tiime she just says “I’m fine” and hangs up….then he writes back with another pity ploy, and then angry because no one responds to him, and so on….well….eventually egg donor sends him money, and we find out she is doing that, then lying to us about it, and then she starts corresponding with him and passing information to him about us….so my sons and I are NC with her, though I have to communicate about business of the farm from time to time….but NC drives them CRAZY. She has gone to great lengths to find out INFORMATION about us, anything to be sneaky about it…I’m sure she gets some information from the neighbors about us, but that’s about the only information she gets and I make sure she gets some DIS-information as well.
So while we might LIKE TO TELL THEM OFF, tell them to “go to hell” that is actually only FEEDING THEM with ATTENTION and so the thing that REALLY hurts them is NO CONTACT, NO ATTENTION. No matter how they try, you will not respond. Telling them off doesn’t hurt them, because they don’t really care what you think, but NOT RESPONDING TO THEM AT ALL IS THE ULTIMATE INSULT TO A PSYCHOPATH WHO IS NARCISSISTIC and thinks the world revolves around them. NC shows them that YOU have control and that no matter what they do, you don’t even care enough to notice.
Funny thing, in the past I have gone NC several times with my egg donor, but didn’t think about it as “NC” just that I was TOO ANGRY TO TALK TO HER, and didn’t think about it as PERMANENT, so when I went NC this time, she did not think of it as permanent either, but assumed that when I “got over my mad” that we would PRETEND NONE OF THIS EVERY HAPPENED AND START OVER, as we had always done in the past.
WHAT SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND is that “No Contact” is FOREVER and “not talking to you because I’m mad” isn’t permanent. In the past we did the “not talking” routine, but it was understood it wasn’t forever, so she doesn’t see the difference between NC and Not talking. She won’t see the difference, and she’s trying to make inroads now that What she figures is “enough time” has passed….like trying to find out where son C lives. The last time she tried to find out where he lived he sent her a SCATHING E MAIL telling her to QUIT trying to find out where he lives, so what does she do? She makes up an excuse to call me on “business” and then says “by the way, is C still in X-town?” I reminded her that he had sent her an e mail telling her NOT TO EVEN TRY TO FIND WHERE HE IS LIVING….
She admitted she did get the e mail. Of course she didn’t think about RESPECTING his boundaries he had set in that e mail and leaving him ALONE.
My egg donor would not score very high on the “psychopathic check list–revised” at all, much less high enough to be considered a psychopath, but she is manipulative and her manipulation is so extreme that it could cost me my life, so she is TOXIC, she is WILLING to lie to cover up for a murderer, and she is determined to BE IN CONTROL and to PUNISH ME if I do not let her control me. So that makes her someone I do not want contact with, and someone I cannot trust to have my best interest at heart even though she doesn’t “qualify” as a “psychopath.”
darwinsmom:
A powerless spath…I cherish the thought 🙂
ha! cherish the thought. I HEAR THAT! 🙂
Okay, so, last night was all Hallows Eve and the yearly stalking started. It has continued into this morning with all these different people trying to contact me and I have no clue who they are. It is almost like an influx of ants at a picnic.
But, I can tell you ONE THING: Dupey is not going to tolerate this stalking for very much longer before she makes it stop for good. 🙂 I am fully aware of my legal rights and avenues and whether “IT” likes it or not, THIS WILL CEASE.
Is there anyone else here that has this ‘stalking scenario’ for ten years? I mean, just constantly. It will be quiet for a little while and then it starts up all over again. I said that the NC I imposed this past May would not make it past the six month point and today is exactly SIX MONTHS, NC on my behalf.
OX: You are so absolutely dead-on, in what you posted up there. A little hug I found this morning. NC means just that: NC. IF they continue to break it, that is on them. IF YOU DO IT you are only putting yourself right back out there to get jabbed at some more. These people are not normal in the way they perceive ‘life’ and kindness and virtue…they are warped and twisted with different priorities than the rest of us.
If we don’t stop it and take measures to ensure OUR OWN safety and that includes mind of thought and emotions..if WE DONT take control of the situation, just to WHERE would it spiral to? I think, in my case, murder. My murder. Only thing is that I have lots and lots and lots of back up. So the ball really is in my court at this moment.
It’s all so disheartening to me, also trying to recover from this heart problem, dealing with this stalking crap from “IT”. Like a child – a naughty little 12 year old boy, stomping his foot, jumping up and down: “I am sorry! I am sorry! I am sorry! Alright?” NO, it isn’t alright. It is never going to be alright ever again so stop coming back. Shoo! You are lucky you are free, make something of it.
Thanks Ox for inspiring a rant. xxoo
Dupey
I smell the scent of it whispering on the wind…
Now is time to take the final stand for myself.
And, trust me, folks, it is going to happen.
*HAPPY DAY and BLESSINGS*
Dupity Doo Duh Dipity Aye…
6 months NC: drinks are on me…
Congrats on 6 months!! that’s a milestone for sure. Dig him a symbolic grave – and bury his memory like a bad dream.