UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following email was sent by a Lovefraud reader, whom we’ll call “Pamela.” She was married to a sociopath and subject to domestic violence.
ALL ALONE
All Alone, I am lying on the floor, all “woe is me,” the man who promised to love me lied. I can’t find a friend and my own mother’s phone doesn’t work.
All Alone, I’m crying on this floor.
All Alone, I notice I am still here. I am sad, but still here, and I’ve protected my dog that he threatened. My dog is still here. And my body is healthy, even after it has been thrown and bruised, I can still GET UP.
All Alone, I feel my feet, I wiggle my toes.
All Alone, the tears stop falling, and I look at my feet, and I rise.
AND NOW, I am swelling with gratitude for the all alone I had because I learned that even if it seems like no one cares about me, I STILL care about me, and I will find others that will. I will find help. I will end this and the feelings of failure and worthlessness he tried to transfer to me. Those are NOT mine. But this body, these feet—these are mine. And so I say to them: start walking.
Thank you, Alone, because without You, I would not be able to hear my own voice.
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Lovefraud originally posted this story on Oct. 27, 2011.
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Thank you skylar. It is a HUGE milestone; least for me. Apparently, it might be one for “IT” as well.
Like the ugly nightmare it was…you mean…
like the ugly nightmare it is still trying to be…
Frozen in time, in the books of history, never to return.
((thanks skylar for the wishes))
Dupey
Dear Dupey,
Congratulations on your 6 months! That is a great milestone! I am so proud of you!! TOWANDA!!!!
We can’t control what they do, only our reaction to it! Sometimes they turn up the heat to try to get a reaction from us and oh, how I have WANTED to respond! To tell them to go Fark themselves! But you know, it is much more frustrating to them to have NO RESPONSE. No response proves that WE are the ones in control! Oh, how they hate that! The jump and stomp and try to get our attention, and we continue to SHUN them, to SCORN them and oh, how they HATE IT! LOL It is more punishing than anything else we can do to them. LOL ROTFLMAO So when he makes contact, when he stalks you, you know it is because YOUR NC IS FRUSTRATING THE FARK OUT OF HIM! LOL
Dupey, TOWANDA on your 6 months. I wish you all the strength and best to silence him away again.
People just don’t seem to understand it, I think, Oxy, when I read your story about your egg donor and murderous offsping. They keep reasoning as if we’re dealing with normal people and how cruel we are to break all contact, they judge us for being judgemental on a few people who obviously have no respect for us at all, or they think we’re in denial and have no courage to face the reasons why the other (partner, mother, son) hurt us, as if we caused it, deserve it, that there must be 2 sides of hte same story.
Well there isn’t. We’ve done all that while being in contact with those toxics: being understanding, forgiving, blaming ourselves, and it only got worse and worse and worse. NC is healing, NC is peace, NC is structure, NC is having a life again, NC is loving ourselves, and NC is taking any satisfaction away from them.
DUPEY
You’re my hero. I am so so so happy for you.
Athena
Thanks you guys and Ox: xx – that’s for hitting the nail right on the head. The tables have turned just a little NOW; haven’t they? 🙂 Not so ‘comfortable’ on the other side of that coin. You can safely bet that I have been on ITS mind a lot lately..strange, considering I have had no contact with “IT”…Somehow they always seem to forget what you tell them…the difference is MEANING IT and NOT meaning it. I mean it. 🙂
Thank you Athena and darwinsmom. It has been a long five years of torture to get to this point, trust me.
I am having an apple cider and celebrating…
Love and best of wishes to you all….
Dupey
TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DUPEY IS SIX MONTHS FREE TODAY!!!!!
WAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dupey that scent you smell in the wind is skunk, let my wiener’s out to go pee before bedtime and they chased a skunk under the house and well thats why I am up so late – everything reeks……I bathed them in Apple scented shampoo, so at least there is a touch of apple mixed in with the skunk..
Yahoo on six months ~! wtg <—that means way to go ~! dupey do…
Hens
I read somewhere that baking soda neutralizes skunk. Something worth trying?
ps My neighbor has alaskan husky. We can smell that dog half a block away. He loves to roll in dead carcasses. We have lots of dead critters in the woods lately b/c of bad drought. Husky heaven. Drives off the skunks though…
Dupey! SIX MONTHS! Hot dawg!Am SO happy for you. We need more people to share their victories! Me and my dog will do a wee happy dance in your honor. Her tongue hangs out but I keep mine to a managable Q.
Thx for your post ’cause I LOVE the boost of joy I get from living vicariously through other people’s success esp b/c it’s an affirmation of the goodness that comes from a healthy life path.
Hens,
By the way, I wanted to point out that my comments to you yesterday (about the “brevity” of your posts! etc.), were meant in an entirely affectionate and bantering way. I intended it as a genuine compliment to your wry humor and “to the point” statements; and I’m pretty sure you took it that way – but just in case!
Very well – just wanted to be very clear on that: You’re a great guy, and I’d never want you to think that I could treat you with anything but the respect and friendship you deserve.
Dupey,
I didnt’ see that it was your six month anniversary yesterday, so add one more “congratulations” to your list! Good for you Ms. D.!