UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following email was sent by a Lovefraud reader, whom we’ll call “Pamela.” She was married to a sociopath and subject to domestic violence.
ALL ALONE
All Alone, I am lying on the floor, all “woe is me,” the man who promised to love me lied. I can’t find a friend and my own mother’s phone doesn’t work.
All Alone, I’m crying on this floor.
All Alone, I notice I am still here. I am sad, but still here, and I’ve protected my dog that he threatened. My dog is still here. And my body is healthy, even after it has been thrown and bruised, I can still GET UP.
All Alone, I feel my feet, I wiggle my toes.
All Alone, the tears stop falling, and I look at my feet, and I rise.
AND NOW, I am swelling with gratitude for the all alone I had because I learned that even if it seems like no one cares about me, I STILL care about me, and I will find others that will. I will find help. I will end this and the feelings of failure and worthlessness he tried to transfer to me. Those are NOT mine. But this body, these feet—these are mine. And so I say to them: start walking.
Thank you, Alone, because without You, I would not be able to hear my own voice.
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Lovefraud originally posted this story on Oct. 27, 2011.
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Back_from_the_edge
Yah, Constantine, I got double whammied: Halloween AND 6 month NC anniversary…it was horrid…just phone call after phone call for the past week! Text’s – no emails though. 🙂 Oh yes, messages left on both my house and cell phone. I was blocking the numbers left and right the past few days. I also changed my cell number! But I have not uttered a peep in six months.
And I just keep on blocking those numbers. They are some from “IT” and some from “ITS” minions…
There is NO reason for any of this. I made myself completely explicit…NO MORE! No, I am not kidding you, Dearest…hahahaha WHAT A COMPLETE MORON~!
Don’t have plans on engaging him at all ever again. And you are right. Once you give in, the respect goes right out the window! THAT is not ever happening again.
Thanks for the wishes. I need them…truly…it’s like dealing with a psychopath or something.
mwah! xxoo
Dupey
panther
Beautifully written. I just read this for the first time today…I’m all worked up this week. I had a dream about my cat last night, Luc. Then I read this and you managed to save your dog from this guy’s threats. My cat is gone. I will most likely never see him again. I don’t know what the spath did with my cat. I’m also thinking about maybe trying to get the cat back if he’s still alive (but where is he?). I don’t know where to begin, but I’m so devastated about this.
I need help/advice. I’m soooooo afraid of this guy, but I want my kitty back. All Alone…must I be right now? I’m looking for a support system for a change. Maybe that’s what it means to listen to your own voice, your voice telling you that you deserve love, support, friendship, back-up, etc. I’m trembling at the thought of facing his wrath to make an attempt at getting my kitty back, but I miss my baby!!!!!
This is a nice piece. Like a stream-of-consciousness poem.
skylar
Panther,
If you attempt to get your cat back by contacting him, you will NEVER see your cat again. By telling him what you value, he will have a way to hook you, and to torture you into perpetuity. Do NOT take that route.
Most likely your cat is dead because a spath wouldn’t bother keeping the animal alive.
You said he is likely reading your posts here on LF, so you’ve already informed him by posting it.
I’m sorry.
darwinsmom
I’m so sorry panther to hear about the loss of your cat. But I think you should take sky’s advice on not contacting him about it. How long has your cat been missing?
Stargazer
Oh Panther, I SO feel for you. I don’t know what I’d do. My cat really is my child. If it were me, I’d probably risk everything to get the cat back. But in your case, you’d be risking your life and your sanity. I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.
Ox Drover
Panther,
I agree with sky, and I know it is a pain and a grief to lose a pet you care about, but your life is more important than anything else, really. Plus the problems you’d have trying to get a cat across a border with another country, to say nothing of the financial and emotional costs. (((hugs))) Just send good vibes to your kitty where ever he is and take care of YOU right now!