Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader called “Adelade.” Her previous posts are “When life ain’t fair” and “This is the time for me to learn who I am.”
Having grown up in a dysfunctional alcoholic environment, I spent just about 35 years involved in one “program” or another, and I was able to strongly identify with my “inner child” after one particularly grueling session with my counseling therapist. I could clearly see how my emotional development had been abruptly arrested during my childhood, and that I had developed into an adult whose every decision and action had been based upon the need for acceptance, validation, appreciation, and approval. Fear of “dysapproval,” “dyslike,” and abandonment were, among other things, the driving force throughout my lifetime.
Last week, when the discussions were flowing from new LoveFraud readers to the long-timers, I saw in myself a step-by-step process of healing that directly reflected that philosophy of nearly all 12-Step Programs, from addictions to co-dependency. I mean, isn’t that pretty much how we all were duped? We were addicted to trusting someone else with our very lives?
So, long before I made the discovery about the exspath, I had begun teaching myself how to speak and think “truthfully.” Speaking “truthfully” translates into plain, honest, no-sugar-coating speech. If I learned how to speak the truth without malice, perhaps I wouldn’t be such an easy target for sociopaths.
I digress. Back to the spur-of-the-moment 12 Steps of Recovery from LoveFraud:
Step #1: We admit that we had involved ourselves with a sociopath and that our lives had become a living hell.
What I believe that this meant was recognizing the glaring Truth: whomever the sociopath that we are involved with might be, we can no longer ignore the absolute fact that we have been used, abused, damaged, and discarded. It is a fact. It is a Truth. And, it cannot be denied if we have found our way to LoveFraud.com.
Step #2: Make the decision to sever our toxic relationship.
We have realized what we were associated with and we have made the choice to save ourselves, our finances, our sexuality, our system of beliefs, and our very souls. We have made the conscious, cognizant, and lifesaving decision to end the toxic association, for our own sakes.
Step #3: Admit to someone who “gets it” that we had been in a dire situation and need help.
Whether that “someone” is a counseling therapist, attorney, abuse hotline intake worker, or the “family” that we have on LoveFraud.com, we make the choice – the conscious decision – to reach out through our tears, our terror, our horror, our fears, and our despair and grasp the hands of Life. We need help – we need help – we need help because we do not have the tools and techniques to survive our experiences on our own.
Step #4: Recognize that we are a part of a Greater Universe.
When we are just beginning to survive our sociopath experiences, we tend to follow human nature and become quite self-absorbed. We believe that our experiences were the worst that could ever happen to anyone. Until, that is, we read stories like OxDrover’s, Witsend, Darwinsmom, Donna Andersen’s, and others. Yes, our pain is real, and the earth is still going to spin on her axis regardless of our agony. Whether we choose to place a “spiritual perspective” on this, or not, is strictly a personal choice.
Step #5: Agree to maintain NO CONTACT for the remainder of our lives.
Now, I realize that there are many of us who share custody with a sociopath and, for that reason, “No Contact” is a very difficult rule to self-impose. Well, for those of us who do NOT have children with a sociopath, stop trying to make sense. Stop trying to “talk” to them. Stop pretending that they’re speaking the truth. No river of tears, no impassioned pleas, no personal sacrifices, and no amount of money will ever “fix” what ails a sociopath. They will not care about your pain. They DO not care about your pain. And, they never HAVE cared about you. This Truth is a fact, and it is irrefutable.
Step #6: Make amends to all people that we had harmed, directly or indirectly, as a result of our sociopath entanglements, except when to do so would injure them, or others.
Yes, we were victimized. And, yes”¦.we never asked to be victimized. But, we must look beyond our own damages and recognize that our friends, family, and inner circle experienced collateral damage, as well. We’re not apologizing FOR the sociopath. We are apologizing that the sociopath exists. Do we use the word, “sociopath?” We’re not qualified, but we sure as hell can say that they “fit the profile OF a sociopath.”
Step #7: Recognize our own frailties, vulnerabilities, and boundary failures and made efforts to repair and forgive ourselves for our mistakes.
The topic of “forgiveness” is a volatile one. There seems to be no grey area – either you forgive and heal, or you don’t and you stagnate. I disagree with both views. Forgiveness of “Self” is a moral, ethical, and emotional imperative. We were targeted, lured, and hooked by an organism that feels no empathy or remorse for damages that they create. We are not at fault with the exception that we trusted such a thing. So, we must forgive ourselves, FIRST. All the rest will come as it does, or not.
Step #8: Engage in open, frank, and truthful discussions about our experiences, how we were affected, and how our issues affected others.
Speaking about what happened to us, how it happened, and how it affected our friends, family, coworkers, and the rest of our inner circles is a part of the healing process. We speak truthfully and openly, but we keep in mind that “other people” often “don’t get it” because they have not experienced it themselves, or they are in denial. And, we are not responsible for anyone else’s issues but our own. We speak using facts – my counselor provided me with a sanity-saving mantra: feelings are not facts.
Step #9: Make every human effort to educate ourselves and others about the healing processes of sociopath entanglements.
By “educating ourselves,” I mean that we memorize and ingrain the Red Flags, and the Yellow Flags of sociopath behavior. The mechanics, studies, and statistics are utterly meaningless with regard to the healing process. And, the steps of our healing processes are not bound by a specific timeline. We must experience our healing and speak of our positive steps even as we re-examine how we were duped.
Step # 10: Allow ourselves to experience the grieving process in a healthy, productive way.
There are stages of grieving, whether it’s grieving the loss of a loved one, kicking a substance addiction, or losing the illusion that a sociopath has fabricated. We must be willing to identify and experience those stages with courage and acceptance. It’s OKAY to be angry! It’s OKAY to be sad! It’s OKAY to feel despair! But, we have to grab ourselves by our shorthairs and drag ourselves forward – nothing within the human condition prepares us for the carnages of sociopath entanglements. It is OUR time, now – our time to heal, to realize our own potential, to realize our own value, and to take our place as advocates for ourselves.
Step #11: Remain accountable for our own actions and decisions.
We can look to our sociopath experiences and say, “This is what happened to me and why I lost everything that I ever had.” What we cannot truthfully say is, “Because I was victimized by a sociopath, I am going to make stupid choices, bad decisions, and harm other people in my anger.” We may not excuse bad behavior on bad behavior. If we are wrong, or we’ve harmed another person (deliberately, or unintentionally), we stand accountable. It is not a mortal sin to be human. It IS “sinful” to refuse to acknowledge our own humanity.
Step #12: Continue to maintain our boundaries, NO CONTACT, and support and encouragement for ourselves, and for others.
We do not alter our boundaries on a person-by-person-basis. Our boundary failures are what allowed the sociopath into our domain, in the first place, and we may be wiser, but we will likely be hyper-vulnerable – more so than the “average” person. NO CONTACT is non-negotiable, even in situations of shared custody. We do not speak to the sociopath unless it involves the immediate safety/security/well-being of the shared child. All others are non-entities – they do not exist – they are not among the living – they are, in essence, deceased. We encourage ourselves AND others regardless of what our own issues might be. Through support and encouragement of others who are unfortunate members of the Sociopath Survivor Club, we are healed as we assist others in their healing processes.
So, that’s what it is, I guess. For whatever reason, I ran down the list of 12 Steps to the best of my recollection and attempted to put a LoveFraud.com spin on them. In writing these out with their explanations, I’ve taken another centimeter forward on my healing path.
I thank Donna Andersen, OxDrover, Mel Carnegie, and each and every one of you on this site for helping me along. We’re all going to push through our experiences at our own speed. And, may you each find the most sincere blessings of comfort on your own healing paths.
Adelade,
Thank-you for a really thoughtful article. I relate to all the steps, and have (finally) explored each of them. I never related them like this, in a 12-step model….but I like it A LOT!
Very validating. I am going to keep this in my archives.
Best,
Slim
G1S – it’s been many years…
CODA used the big book and all literature was 12 step. Melody Beattie’s work was not directly involved, nor were her writings part of the program.
You and I are not in the same country – so there may be regional differences.
I have to thank a dear friend of mine for introducing me to this website. He doesn’t know my husband and knows very little about why I left my him but I had shared a post on FB about traits of an abusive relationship. He commented and told me to check you out. WOW! That’s all I can say. I really thought I was alone. I mean, I knew I wasn’t really. I have a great support system with friends and family but I didn’t know such a site existed with real people dealing with the same problems.
I just recently learned about what a sociopath is. I married “the love of my life” in 07. Without giving details, I’m on here for a reason. It’s been a year now since I moved out(5/31/12 is 1 year exactly) and he still haunts me, taunts me, harasses and tries to continue to suck the life out of me, at work, at home, in any relationship I try to have with anyone – friend or date. Having 2 kids with him I always thought I had to have some sort of contact with him and had to be nice because of the kids. I no longer feel guilty about cutting him out of my life as much as I can. I just found this site tonight but 2 weeks ago I had told him I wouldn’t discuss anything with him if it didn’t involve the health, safety and well-being of our kids. To read those words on here, well, they made me cry joyous tears!! I had no idea there was such a thing as a 12-step program to recovery of this horrible situation. I really am going to be ok …. Anyway, just wanted to say thank you!
G1S and onejoy, I think CODA is a newer concept than alanon, inso far as it avails itself to anyone affected by any addiction…not just alcoholism, and yes, in that respect, it may be more closely aligned to a therapeutic approach, because it has only been in the last 40 years or so, that the idea that any compullsive behavior could be an addiction, and should be treated as an addiction has been accepted, and probably mostly in the feild of addictions counseling. The wife of a sex addict would never have known there was a solution to her problem, since her husband didn’t drink. Similarly, the mother of a gambler….and so on. Coda addresses all codependancy. And I’m so glad it does. 🙂
Kurtzie3,
Welcome! You’ll find a lot of understanding and support here. Just knowing the scope of what these people are capable of doing will help reassure you that you’re not the crazy one.
AA was started in the mid 1930s. Al-Anon was founded in 1951.
The co-dependent movement came about in the mid to late 1980s.
Co-dependency does fit many circumstances.
We all have different paths to follow. I would never presume to know what somebody “needs.” I leave that up to them and their Higher Power, however they choose to name that.
G1S, the bottom line is the 12 steps. In my opinion, they are so accessable to anyone, with any problem. They are the same in AA, Alanon, Coda, SAA, LAA, LSAA, EA, OEA, GA, and how many other self help groups.
IMO, those 12 steps were divinely inspired. They are simple. straight forward, and provide a guide to living a more succesful life. One, that includes self awareness and a spiritual foundation. That, in itself, is huge for people plauged by any kind of addiction, even if the addiction is to someone elses addiction.
Oh and by the way, I’m all in for a discussion on the steps, and how to apply them, but I’m not big on re-writing them. It’s okay with me if you write your own 12 steps, but don’t reinterpret the cast in stone 12 steps of AA. Just my opinion. They work, just the way they are and there’s a reason for that. Not being critical. I just believe in the steps, and what they are designed to do. They do that.
Okay, let me explain. When I was so completely trauma bonded to my x crack head, that for seven years, I could not completely get over him, so that He always had a way back in, I began to apply the steps.
I think the only step I re-worked at all was step one. I admtted I was powerless over J and my addiction to him, and that my life was unmanagable. There are really two admissions here, One, powerlessness over J, and unmanagability…that unmanagability addresses my powerlessnes over me….an addiction. The rest of the steps I left alone.
Hi Louise, and all the healthy voices here!
For me, getting into the definition of “codependency” is tricky–very tricky. As well, the Twelve steps (of whatever it is) too, esp. when some of the various groups I’ve attended over the years have been–well, sometimes worse than the “addiction” or “addict,” for me personally.
Here’s my take for whatever it’s worth to others. I say this bc it’s true that we all find our own truths on our own time.
Codependency, first. The term was further cheapened by many the Codependency Self-help books, which always make the “cure” sound easier than it actually is. But, for me, codependency is about the Self–both the Self of the addict or sociopath (or other “personality disorders”).
And, it is also about the Self when it comes to the person–as I surely was (and still struggle with now)–who falls for the addict or socipath, AND for the addict/and or/sociopath.
Beneath every addict/sociopath and co-addict is codependency. I read that somewhere, I think, but it seems true enough to me. If you peel-away all the layers of ego (charm, lies, manipulation, narcissism, etc.), you’ll find codependency at the core of the Self.
It is the inability to: face painful feelings, then self-reflect and move forward. Instead, we get caught in the shame. The addict/sociopath numbs pain by acting-out; whereas, the codependent acts-in, against the self.
And, instead, we view the painful situation as a reflection of ourselves, of our own shame or failures, bc we should’ve seen it coming, instead of seeing it for what it is: their problem.
Our only problem is focusing on ourselves and some sort of transcendence or spiritual leap-of-faith. I believe it has to be experienced–not known intellectually.
It is the only way through the safe passage we all travel in this life: one the one side of the codependent passage , with addicts/sociopaths acting-out with emotional betrayal and blackmail, “because of what happened to them.”
On the other side of the codependent passage, are those who act-in against themselves. They are those who’ve been betrayed and blackmailed (myself included) and react in shame.
Then, there are those of us who–like many of us here–make it through that passage of grief and despair, without destroying themselves or others.
I take a leap-of-faith in myself first, now, more times than not; and then, after observing others’ behaviors (not words!), I try to make choices about people, instead of allowing myself to be “chosen.” (by a user)
I thank all of you from my heart for such an engaging conversation. Jeez, it’s nearly 1:00 am in my part of the world, and I’m still reading your posts!
P.S. (as per usual), I honor the twelve steps, as written, because there is a sublime reason for how the steps work. That’s just me.
The individual groups may or may not be “dysfunctional” or “healthy;” but, the 12 steps are the raison d’ etre for it all.
There is a reason why Step 12 is about a spiritual way to live, in the leap-of-faith. It goes more deeply than, say, Step 3–another leap-of-faith–but not quite as certain:
“we CAME to believe…” (Step 3) vs. “we CONTINUED TO BELIEVE… AND TO PRACTICE…” (Step 12).