Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader called “Adelade.” Her previous posts are “When life ain’t fair” and “This is the time for me to learn who I am.”
Having grown up in a dysfunctional alcoholic environment, I spent just about 35 years involved in one “program” or another, and I was able to strongly identify with my “inner child” after one particularly grueling session with my counseling therapist. I could clearly see how my emotional development had been abruptly arrested during my childhood, and that I had developed into an adult whose every decision and action had been based upon the need for acceptance, validation, appreciation, and approval. Fear of “dysapproval,” “dyslike,” and abandonment were, among other things, the driving force throughout my lifetime.
Last week, when the discussions were flowing from new LoveFraud readers to the long-timers, I saw in myself a step-by-step process of healing that directly reflected that philosophy of nearly all 12-Step Programs, from addictions to co-dependency. I mean, isn’t that pretty much how we all were duped? We were addicted to trusting someone else with our very lives?
So, long before I made the discovery about the exspath, I had begun teaching myself how to speak and think “truthfully.” Speaking “truthfully” translates into plain, honest, no-sugar-coating speech. If I learned how to speak the truth without malice, perhaps I wouldn’t be such an easy target for sociopaths.
I digress. Back to the spur-of-the-moment 12 Steps of Recovery from LoveFraud:
Step #1: We admit that we had involved ourselves with a sociopath and that our lives had become a living hell.
What I believe that this meant was recognizing the glaring Truth: whomever the sociopath that we are involved with might be, we can no longer ignore the absolute fact that we have been used, abused, damaged, and discarded. It is a fact. It is a Truth. And, it cannot be denied if we have found our way to LoveFraud.com.
Step #2: Make the decision to sever our toxic relationship.
We have realized what we were associated with and we have made the choice to save ourselves, our finances, our sexuality, our system of beliefs, and our very souls. We have made the conscious, cognizant, and lifesaving decision to end the toxic association, for our own sakes.
Step #3: Admit to someone who “gets it” that we had been in a dire situation and need help.
Whether that “someone” is a counseling therapist, attorney, abuse hotline intake worker, or the “family” that we have on LoveFraud.com, we make the choice – the conscious decision – to reach out through our tears, our terror, our horror, our fears, and our despair and grasp the hands of Life. We need help – we need help – we need help because we do not have the tools and techniques to survive our experiences on our own.
Step #4: Recognize that we are a part of a Greater Universe.
When we are just beginning to survive our sociopath experiences, we tend to follow human nature and become quite self-absorbed. We believe that our experiences were the worst that could ever happen to anyone. Until, that is, we read stories like OxDrover’s, Witsend, Darwinsmom, Donna Andersen’s, and others. Yes, our pain is real, and the earth is still going to spin on her axis regardless of our agony. Whether we choose to place a “spiritual perspective” on this, or not, is strictly a personal choice.
Step #5: Agree to maintain NO CONTACT for the remainder of our lives.
Now, I realize that there are many of us who share custody with a sociopath and, for that reason, “No Contact” is a very difficult rule to self-impose. Well, for those of us who do NOT have children with a sociopath, stop trying to make sense. Stop trying to “talk” to them. Stop pretending that they’re speaking the truth. No river of tears, no impassioned pleas, no personal sacrifices, and no amount of money will ever “fix” what ails a sociopath. They will not care about your pain. They DO not care about your pain. And, they never HAVE cared about you. This Truth is a fact, and it is irrefutable.
Step #6: Make amends to all people that we had harmed, directly or indirectly, as a result of our sociopath entanglements, except when to do so would injure them, or others.
Yes, we were victimized. And, yes”¦.we never asked to be victimized. But, we must look beyond our own damages and recognize that our friends, family, and inner circle experienced collateral damage, as well. We’re not apologizing FOR the sociopath. We are apologizing that the sociopath exists. Do we use the word, “sociopath?” We’re not qualified, but we sure as hell can say that they “fit the profile OF a sociopath.”
Step #7: Recognize our own frailties, vulnerabilities, and boundary failures and made efforts to repair and forgive ourselves for our mistakes.
The topic of “forgiveness” is a volatile one. There seems to be no grey area – either you forgive and heal, or you don’t and you stagnate. I disagree with both views. Forgiveness of “Self” is a moral, ethical, and emotional imperative. We were targeted, lured, and hooked by an organism that feels no empathy or remorse for damages that they create. We are not at fault with the exception that we trusted such a thing. So, we must forgive ourselves, FIRST. All the rest will come as it does, or not.
Step #8: Engage in open, frank, and truthful discussions about our experiences, how we were affected, and how our issues affected others.
Speaking about what happened to us, how it happened, and how it affected our friends, family, coworkers, and the rest of our inner circles is a part of the healing process. We speak truthfully and openly, but we keep in mind that “other people” often “don’t get it” because they have not experienced it themselves, or they are in denial. And, we are not responsible for anyone else’s issues but our own. We speak using facts – my counselor provided me with a sanity-saving mantra: feelings are not facts.
Step #9: Make every human effort to educate ourselves and others about the healing processes of sociopath entanglements.
By “educating ourselves,” I mean that we memorize and ingrain the Red Flags, and the Yellow Flags of sociopath behavior. The mechanics, studies, and statistics are utterly meaningless with regard to the healing process. And, the steps of our healing processes are not bound by a specific timeline. We must experience our healing and speak of our positive steps even as we re-examine how we were duped.
Step # 10: Allow ourselves to experience the grieving process in a healthy, productive way.
There are stages of grieving, whether it’s grieving the loss of a loved one, kicking a substance addiction, or losing the illusion that a sociopath has fabricated. We must be willing to identify and experience those stages with courage and acceptance. It’s OKAY to be angry! It’s OKAY to be sad! It’s OKAY to feel despair! But, we have to grab ourselves by our shorthairs and drag ourselves forward – nothing within the human condition prepares us for the carnages of sociopath entanglements. It is OUR time, now – our time to heal, to realize our own potential, to realize our own value, and to take our place as advocates for ourselves.
Step #11: Remain accountable for our own actions and decisions.
We can look to our sociopath experiences and say, “This is what happened to me and why I lost everything that I ever had.” What we cannot truthfully say is, “Because I was victimized by a sociopath, I am going to make stupid choices, bad decisions, and harm other people in my anger.” We may not excuse bad behavior on bad behavior. If we are wrong, or we’ve harmed another person (deliberately, or unintentionally), we stand accountable. It is not a mortal sin to be human. It IS “sinful” to refuse to acknowledge our own humanity.
Step #12: Continue to maintain our boundaries, NO CONTACT, and support and encouragement for ourselves, and for others.
We do not alter our boundaries on a person-by-person-basis. Our boundary failures are what allowed the sociopath into our domain, in the first place, and we may be wiser, but we will likely be hyper-vulnerable – more so than the “average” person. NO CONTACT is non-negotiable, even in situations of shared custody. We do not speak to the sociopath unless it involves the immediate safety/security/well-being of the shared child. All others are non-entities – they do not exist – they are not among the living – they are, in essence, deceased. We encourage ourselves AND others regardless of what our own issues might be. Through support and encouragement of others who are unfortunate members of the Sociopath Survivor Club, we are healed as we assist others in their healing processes.
So, that’s what it is, I guess. For whatever reason, I ran down the list of 12 Steps to the best of my recollection and attempted to put a LoveFraud.com spin on them. In writing these out with their explanations, I’ve taken another centimeter forward on my healing path.
I thank Donna Andersen, OxDrover, Mel Carnegie, and each and every one of you on this site for helping me along. We’re all going to push through our experiences at our own speed. And, may you each find the most sincere blessings of comfort on your own healing paths.
I hear you Truthspeak…
We are always so careful in all the other decisions we make in our lives, why do we trust our hearts to fate?
I read the articles and comments posted on Lovefraud.com and I see my life, or parts of it, described over and over again. I see things my ex did (or didn’t do) written in the words of other people. I see myself in their stories. Often I find myself thinking, “Thank God my experience wasn’t that bad or that long” and other times I nod my head in silent, humiliated understanding that comes with first hand knowledge of the horror stories people share.
My ex has the most beautiful soul. He is kind and compassionate and loving. He is the most thrilling person I’ve ever known. Until he’s not. When he’s upset or inconvenienced or, God forbid, angry he turns into someone cold and hostile. His comments are scathing, filled with razor sharp words that open veins in my heart and leave me gasping at the pain. He is a master at flaying open my emotions and then disavowing any responsibility or ill intent. He used to tell me that I didn’t understand what he meant, that I was hysterical, or that I twisted his meaning for my own passive aggressive purposes. Maybe I was passive aggressive. Never mind the “maybe”. I was passive aggressive. That’s what happens when I can’t ask for what I need without being rejected or ridiculed or told that I am selfish for expecting something from him. I’d like to blame him for it but I’m the boss of me. I’m the one who made the choice to be passive aggressive. I have to own that. And I have to own that I still don’t fully fathom the impact he’s had on me.
I’m an addict.
I’m addicted to him.
I’m addicted to the way I feel when I’m with him — the good, not the bad, though sometimes I believe I would accept the bad in order to also have the good. Maybe, possibly, if I’m just good enough and try hard enough and all the stars are aligned then maybe I’ll get some of the good. He’s so misunderstood, you see? He tells me so and so I have to believe that I’m just not giving him enough credit or being fair or being realistic. And he has ” legitimate excuses” for everything he does or doesn’t do. He was depressed. Then there was the physical pain: his elbow, his back, his guts. Then there was the dizziness that came and went, sometimes confining him to bed with the remote and sometimes miraculously disappearing just when something entertaining was planned. Then there was the encroachment of his privacy after we had to get roommates in order to help pay the rent because we only had my disability income to live on and all the money left to me by my father was gone at last. Then there were the accusations of flirting and disloyalty on my part that made him sad and sent him back into that depression. Then there was the day he called me a “stupid f*cking c*nt” and told me that he “deserved better from the woman who supposedly loved him.” Except I wasn’t supposed to internalize those words because he was just processing his thoughts about the anger he’d felt over something trivial and thought he could share that processing with me. But he didnt explain that he was recalling his thoughts or just processing them and wondering why he’d thought and felt those things. He just said the words aloud and left me to sit with them for 2 weeks and then, when I finally broke down in tears over them said, “What?! Oh God! I was just describing what I felt at the time! Not what I think of you!” and the logic of that escaped me because the words had had 2 weeks to sit inside of me, carving themselves into my cells. Eight months later, they still echo in my head almost every hour of every day. But I’m not allowed to be hurt or upset by them because, of course, they’re not true. He was just processing his feelings. I’m supposed to be glad he did that, right? That’s what women want, right? A man who will process his feelings with her.
I’m addicted to the memory of him when he was in a good mood and loved me.
I’m addicted to the energy and space he took up in every place we were together.
I was addicted to the constant texting and phone calls that happened before we lived together and the roller coaster drama of trying to prove that he should choose me and not that other woman because she’s a liar and a cheat while I’m faithful and devoted and loyal and dedicated no matter what he does or says or what promises he broke in the 3 years before we lived together.
I was addicted to proving that I’m good enough and that I can accept and forgive and love him unconditionally while he spent time trying to decide between us, despite having gone back on his assurance that he was going to give her up and come be with me a half dozen times or more.
I was addicted to putting him back together after she chewed him up and spit him out and to being his best friend while he agonized over how much she hurt him and to being the woman he turned at last to because he suddenly realized that I’m the right choice and I’m the perfect person for him.
I was addicted to riding out his struggle with commitment and his inability to plan for the future because so many other women have hurt him and left him and devastated him.
I was addicted to proving to him that I’ll stand by him always, no matter the hardship, no matter the tests he throws my way, no matter the pain he causes.
I was addicted to martyring myself to his cause, to being the true blue girl in his life.
I’m addicted to him the way a child is perversely compelled to continuing to love the father that abused her and the mother that abandoned her, always going back for more, always desperate to prove she is worthy of their love because she thinks that if she just loves well enough or loves the right way then love won’t continue to hurt her the way it does now.
I’m addicted to continuing to send messages to his phone from my email. He makes unfair statements and I get angry and find myself glad that I broke up with him and just when I start to think I did the right thing he lifts me up with loving words and apologies and I sob over the fact that I’m the horrible person who “destroyed his life”
I’m addicted to the way he says “It was my fault for not loving you well enough baby” as if somehow that love will seep into me from the computer screen and make it possible for me to trust myself again…after so many do-overs and so many 2nd chances that the idea of it only being a “second” chance is laughable. More like a 30th or 40th chance.
I’m addicted to being able to tell him exactly how much pain he caused me without any immediate consequence and watching his apologies and regret appear in my chat window…knowing that he’ll manage to turn things around so they become guilt trips rather than accountability…and praying that it won’t happen because that might be a sign from God that he’s sincerely sorry and things would be different this time. This 41st second chance.
I’m addicted to apologizing…to feeling guilty…to punishing myself…to hating myself for ending our relationship…for ending my dream…so that he’ll understand that I really did love him. I just have to love him from a distance now because I can’t live in a home where both of us hate me. It’s painful enough that I hate myself for not being good enough for him, that I hate my inadequacy and my inability to live up to even his most basic expectations.
I’m addicted to reminding myself that he almost punched me in the face once, to reminding myself that that is reason enough to have left him. And I’m addicted to being angry at him because he says, “But I didn’t actually hit you!” I’m angry at him for that because it’s the lamest response I can think of to an act of aggression that could have turned into an act of violence. And I’m angry because I’m addicted to telling myself, “It could have been worse. So many people have it so much worse. Just let it go. He didn’t actually hit you.”
I’m addicted to trying to take less responsibility for the way my life turned out…to blaming him for what hurts me. And I’m addicted to being angry at myself for the way my life turned out…and angry at myself for blaming him for what hurts me. I’m addicted to that anger because I’m accountable for myself and my life and for what I allow…and no matter how much I felt like I loved him…I was supposed to love myself first and best and I didn’t.
I’m addicted to my new reality…the reality in which nothing seems right without that drama and chaos even though this calm, quiet, peaceful life is healthier and safer and more trustworthy. Even though this life is beautiful. And I’m angry at myself for this particular addiction more than anything else.
That’s how I know I’m an addict. I’m a co-dependent, enabling, door mat of an addict.
Because when I say that I miss the way I felt when I was with him…I know that’s my addiction doing the talking.
Because when I’m honest with myself I can say that most days I felt desperate to prove to him that I was worthy of his notice.
Most days I felt like a piece of worthless garbage.
Most days I felt like I was a stupid f*cking c*nt and that he deserved better than me.
And that may not be entirely his fault…because I participated.
But most days I felt incapable of being anything other than that worthless piece of garbage and I don’t know how someone who “supposedly” loved me could not see that there was something wrong.
I know I’m an addict…because I was willingly living on scraps……and I was starving….and it was killing me….and I miss that feeling of dying.
Zoo, Wow. Your post should be a letter to lovefraud and s hould go in the archives. Oh yeah. You have voiced my experience. You are very wise, though. You come with more understanding than most of us do. You are keenly aware of the trauma bond and addictive nature of this relationship. Ok, you’re in withdrawal. It sucks, but it doesn’t last forever. Go NC…no contact. An addict can’t recover, as long as they are still playing with the drug. Take it one day at a time, and keep coming back, here. Someone is always here to listen or inspire. I could share so much more with you, but I have to get ready for work….
Hang in there, and know that you’re gonna be ok.
zootowngirl,
you described the painfull process of withdrawal very powerfully.
Kim is right… it will get better over time. I hope you are NC with this man, and if you are that you stay that way.
I will give you a mental trick that might help you ease the withdrawal pain and haste the breaking of the addictive bond in your brain. I have mentioned it to others and it’s something that I used.
One of the first thing other survivors mention to counter the positive memories you have of him, the scraps that kept you around is often to remind yourself with all the negative he did. And this helps in part.
But what I found the most effective was to fight ‘the fake positive memories with him’ with ‘real positive memories without him’. If you lived on scrap you are probably a positive minded person, and negative reminders suck out your energy. But you can also fight the scrappy memories with positive. Whenever a ‘happy’ memory of him creeps up on you, try to find memories in your life where you felt really and utterly happy and content, but it has to be a happiness that does not dpeend on another person and totally unrelated to the spath. I used to actively recall memories of trips I made and natural wonders I saw and eperienced. In most of those memories there were people around me, including people I liked well, but I never met again afterwards. At the time I often found it a pity I had nobody of real importance with me to share the memory with, but they ended up being a chest of treasures that saved me. Because each time I would find myself missing him or having some memory that tried me falsely believe how happy I was with him, I just had to grab my jewels of memories out of my treasure chest and say, “See all these treasures? All these happy moments? AND I WAS ALL BY MYSELF! Well, I was as happy then, even more happy maybe than I was with him! And it proves I can be very happy independently of anyone, certainly without him!” And that silenced those false happy addictive memories and made them crawl back in retreat to hide from the bright light of those jewels. They had no argument at all against those other happy memories in my life, none!
I am sure that every normal, empathic persons has a treasure full of memories of beautiful moments they witnessed or experienced and they felt completely happy to have lived it, even though there was noone around to share the moment with. It might be memories of a pet, of some holiday, of a walk on the beach or in a forest and you suddenly came across a fox/deer or other animal; or a beautiful sunset, etc… Gather them together and recognize them as being hte cryptonite against those false addictive ‘happy’ memories of him.
First all you do is simply shift your focus to them and remember those very real moments as best as you can: sound, feeling, light, colour, etc… almost as if you are back there. Once you have gathered them and re-experienced those so you have them instantly by your side in times of need then they become your treasure and force against the sneaky ones.
And the added bonus is not that they not only silence the falsehood of those fake happy ones of telling you that you can never be happy without him, they also empower you into believing that you were happy before him and can be happy again after him. You don’t need him to be happy, you never needed him to be happy. You are unhappy now, but it will pass with time… all it needs is time, but not him, to be happy again! And in that time, slowly but surely you will have very few, but very enjoyable moments, where you suddenly realize you’re laughing carefree along with a friend or some silly joke (something you haven’t done in a long time), or love the taste of the new recipe you tried to cook, etc… And these moments start to grow in numbers, more and more until you realize you are actually happy again for no reason at all! And with even more time you realize that even when something sucks in life it still can’t mess with your happiness as that spath did.
This morning for example I had to go to ER because of an infection on my left eye. I don’t go to the drugstore or even the house doctor for eye issues, but to the state hospital where they have an eye specialist on call 24/7 if need be and eyesight is important. And my-my what an incredible handsome ER doctor was sent in to diagzoze and treat me! I went home feeling all starry eyed after he had to look deeply into my eyes for so many minutes in light circumstances, in a darkened ER room, with some yellow test fluid, etc… My eye was sick, but it sure got pampered with eye-candy (pardon the pun, he was actually just doing his job very well). I even made a joke to him, when he told me I better wash my eye out again because it looked fluorescent yellow. I said, “Ah, yellow or red, not much difference!”
Last year I felt a total loser, and now I can see the funny side again in the little things of life.We all can eventually!
Thank you Kim & Darwinsmom for your kindness. I am trying to find the strength to go NC with my ex. I want to start right now…today…to let it go because nothing we say to one another via chat message matters when I think about it. Words are meaningless without actions to back them up and there won’t ever be another chance for him to act as a part of my life. I can’t let him back in.
In my ‘recovery’ from my relationship I see some similarities to having had someone die. We often idealize those who have passed on. We forget their idiosyncrasies and flaws and focus on the things they did that were good or kind or sweet. I know there’s nothing wrong with that 99% of the time but it can also create a skewed image of the person in question. I catch myself doing that sometimes: focusing on his ability to be generous or tender, for example, and on not on the things he did that literally destroyed me. He was not incapable of those sweet things. As a matter of fact he was very good at them…when he wanted to be. The beautiful moments were like ‘rewards’. I’m sure he didn’t think of them that way but that’s how I’ve come to see them. When he was depressed or frustrated or disapproving he removed his affection/love and became distant and cold and unreachable. When everything was happening to his satisfaction he could be very warm and thoughtful and loving. I think about those times and how hard I worked to be allowed to have them…and I feel angry and exhausted. But I also idealize them…and find myself wanting to do what I need to in order to have another such moment. It’s so disheartening to know that I still want his attention and his approval. I feel like such a failure in that respect.
I am trying to replace my memories of him with other healthier memories as suggested. I think I already do a version of that right now in which I compare the experiences I had with him to experiences I’m having right now, doing similar things. When I compare the way I feel now to the way I feel then it helps me to pinpoint the differences and to redefine what’s ‘normal’ or appropriate.
When I’m enjoying myself now or have an interaction that turns out to be positive (when it would have been a negative experience before) I spend time concentrating on that feeling so that I create a purposeful memory. I’ve also been talking to people about things as simple as why they choose to respond certain ways to things I say and do (like the mistakes I make) and discussing the anxiety I feel about the ways people might respond to my words/actions. I do this because I feel like I don’t know what appropriate responses/feelings/circumstances look like anymore.
I am never going to be one of those people who says ‘I’ll never trust another person ever again.’ It’s not other people I worry about. It’s myself. I want to be able to trust myself. As long as I’m still in contact with him, I can’t trust myself. I can’t trust myself because I’m not making a decision that keeps me safe. If I’m not keeping myself safe, trusting myself isn’t even on the table.
Zootowngirl, that you know what the core of the relationshit was is a whole lot of the battle won in processing the experiences. “How” we became such vulnerable targets goes far, far beyond the spath experiences, themselves.
I learned some really harsh truths about myself during my counseling. Yeah, they were harsh because they turned out to be things that I had never recognized, acknowledged, accepted, or even dreamed of. I had never heard of “shame-core” or “trauma bond,” and when I learned how these new terms applied to me, personally, I was ephiphanized and horrified, at the same time. The epiphany was, “Oh…KAY….that explains just about everything!” The horror was that it was not a warm and fuzzy truth – that I wasn’t what I had always so much “wanted to be.” I had always wanted to be a wise, comforting, giving, and nurturing human being. Those “wants” were based upon very, very low self-esteem, and every other positive “Selfism.”
My addiction was the result of the many things that you outlined in your incredible post, as well. When the exspath(s) were engaging with me, I was validated by this. When I was abused or discarded, I was invalidated. I never had the ability to validate myself because I truly believed that self-validation was a “selfish” act, and other such bullshit.
Well, as time goes on and I continue my recovery processes, I’m looking to myself for the things that I need, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This is not to be viewed as my being well on my Healing Path. I’m a wretched mess, most times, and hypersensitive, hyper-vigilant, and hyper-everything.
Every day is a new opportunity for me to take one more stumbling step on my Healing Path. So it is for you, too.
Brightest healing blessings to you
I had met him 2 years ago on a dating site. He appeared like the perfect man. He showered me with compliments and gifts. He seemed like the most true person that I had ever met in my life. Everything was moving so fast. He told me that I was his soulmate and wanted to have a family with me. I was so happy and ready to do anything for his love. After a few months of walking in the clouds he started playing mind games to me. At the beginning I couldn’t understand what was going on. He always did things to annoy me or make me feel jealous and when I confronted him he always acted like the innocent one making me apologize all the time, making me look like I was crazy. That had continued for over a year… During that time I never felt secure. I always felt anxious that I had to do things to impress him and keep his interest alive. Finally I had started feeling worthless and fell into depression. I almost lost myself. It was like he was sucking me dry and everyone else thought that he was the perfect man. Everyone seems to adore him. He always acted calm and logical. He never abused me physically but his mind games was worst because he made me feel like I was going crazy and he had nothing to do with it. Then I found out that he was cheating on me with other women. I never felt so much worthless in my life… All my dreams were shattered and I wanted to die. After leaving him and getting back many times I took the decision to leave for good. I was away for 3 months and keeping the NC when he contacted me again. I did the mistake to reply hoping that he would apologize for the pain he made me go through. He told me again that I was his soulmate, the woman of his life. He disappeared as soon as I responded to his message. When I send him another message after a month to ask what’s going on he replied calmly that he was busy and he doesn’t understand what’s going on with me, why I can’t understand that he can’t spend all of his time with me!!! I feel so frustrated that I fall for it again. after that I got on his online profile and he keeps adding women everyday. After 3 months of NC he messed up with my life again. I feel horrible and I hate him. I want to take revenge but I hope that his life would give him a lesson. Nobody else can understand how I feel because he never abused me physically, he has killed my spirit and murdered my soul by f****** with my mind… Sometimes I feel that I hate all men and I could never trust anyone again.
Ms_Snowhite, I have to say that onloine dating sites are a hotbed of sociopathic opportunity. Regardless of whom they truly are, a man or woman can develop any type of persona that will accomplish their goals, whether it’s a bevy of unwitting sexual partners, or some older woman (like myself) who is vulnerable and can be defrauded, it is a perfect sociopath environment.
When the communications begin, it’s all about “reading” the targets’ vulnerabilities and strengths. The strengths: self-esteem, financial independence, career, empathy, kindness, and all of the rest are assessed. Vulnerabilities: bad breakup, broken heart, abuse survivor, trust issues, and the lot are also assessed. They dissect our humanity with surgical precision and their methods do not vary from one sociopath to the next.
First, it’s lovebombing – urgent, instant soulmates, and declarations of love. If they see that their targets are responding, then they throw in the need for pity – they lost their job, got reamed in a divorce, have cancer, and any other financial, emotional, medical, or spiritual ploy that they can concoct to generate pity. When THAT works, then comes the use and abuse…the gaslighting, the stonewalling, the withold/reward, and all of the rest of the socipathic games.
I do not hate men. But, I will never allow another romantic involvement for the rest of my life. And, to clarify, I “met” the second exspath online in a completely platonic situation. After a time, I disclosed my plans to exit my abusive marriage and all of the concerns that I had for my children, my future, my belongings, etc….that’s when he dangled his lure of love and acceptance, and I bit onto that lure and was snagged.
Oh, no…….online friends? You bet – at arm’s length and superficial (except on this site and I’m still anonymous). Online dating? Never, ever.
Ms_Snowhite, you “feel” that your soul has been murdered and that is normal. But, it hasn’t. It is just horribly injured. He DID abuse you, emotionally, and that is considered “domestic violence,” even if the victim isn’t being physically battered.
Your spirit is alive and your soul is injured, but you are alive, today, you are standing, you can type your feelings, and you “feel” hatred. Be cautious of that hatred – it can become an obsession. Turn that hatred into anger – righteous anger – for having been victimized by a predator. Take that angry energy and use it in a healthy, productive way. Scream, cry, shout, rant…..get that venom out and understand this, clearly: the spath goal is total destruction, on every level. Giving hatred to that jagoff is robbing you of your worth.
Ms_Snowhite, you are priceless and valued in this vast Universe. Nobody can replace you – not ever. Keep this in mind as you begin your steps on your Healing Path. And, block his number, emails, texts, whatever you have to do to maintain NC. He is …. for lack of a better description…..breathing, walking, talking EVIL.
Brightest blessings
Dear Truthspeak, thank you so much… You couldn’t describe it better. I guess that all sociopaths use the same tactics and have the same behavior. I’m sorry that English is not my mother language so I can’t describe exactly how I feel, but you understand. The worst part is that nobody seems to understand or believe what you get through. When someone hits you it’s a fact but when someone abuses your soul (which is much worst) it’s difficult for anyone to relate to unless they were involved with a sociopath too. They all tell you: “Get over it” and they think that you are just obsessed with that person for not moving on. I was a strong independent woman and now I have lost all my self confidence. I thought that it was all my fault but now I know that it’s not me, it was him making me feel that way. Now, if a man I meet is overly nice to me at the beginning I just walk away. I don’t know if I would ever get involved into a relationship again… He knew that I was kind and caring so he decided that I was the perfect victim. The worst thing is that he is on several dating sites, he is online everyday and night searching for new victims and women seem to respond. I can’t warn other women because they won’t believe me, he seems so nice and true and he would make me look like the crazy ex. That’s what he always told me about his ex. She was crazy chasing him. That’s what he says about me now. Everything that he is and does he makes it look like I am that person. Thank you so much for your support, I have changed my address and all my mails so he can’t find me and I will continue with the NC. I wish we could all heal and find peace in our hearts soon…
Ms_Snowhite, your English is fine. The damage translates in any language.
The problem with online interactions is that “good” people trust that everyone out there is going to be honest and truthful. The “bad” people are intoxicated by how easy it is to generate any personality that will get them whatever it is that they’re after.
Always, there’s a “crazy ex” where spaths are involved. Rarely do these victims ever “meet” in online situations. The first exspath went through 9 women (that I know of) in less than 10 years, and he met them all online using various sites to troll. The worst offense (in my opinion) was his using Christian sites to troll. Followers of religions that talk about virtue, selflessness, and giving are such easy prey because their beliefs require that they stick to the mistaken belief that “everyone deserves a chance” and that they are “all children of God.” These people make the best targets for spaths like the first one.
You will find peace and healing, Ms_Snowhite. You will. It’s just not always the most comfortable journey to get there.
Brightest blessings