January 2008 | Lovefraud | Escape sociopaths - narcissists in relationships

Iagoism: Or, passive aggression is still aggression

January 30, 2008 // by DrSteve// 27 Comments

In Shakespeare's Othello, perhaps the most unwatchable/watchable play there is, Othello murders his wife Desdemona believing as he does that she has cheated on him with Casio. It's an awful business; for one thing, she's entirely innocent. How does it come about that noble Othello's moral vision is so entirely clouded that he commits this heinous act? Well, he needed some help in breaking that terrible taboo. The help comes from Iago who subtly poisons Othello's mind. Two questions emerge: How does Iago do it and why? Let's start with the second question first. Why does Iago destroy Othello (and Desdemona too, let's not forget)? This question has puzzled scholars through the ages. Iago …

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When dealing with a sociopath, you must save yourself

January 29, 2008 // by Donna Andersen// 22 Comments

Yesterday was a tough day at Lovefraud. First thing in the morning, I got a call from a woman I'd spoken to before. She was hysterical. From what she'd told me previously, it sounded like she was dealing with three sociopaths—her husband, her oldest son, and a guy she had an affair with. Initially, her husband had condoned the affair. Then he left her. Then he returned. Then he smeared her with her family and friends. The oldest son was violent. "You have to get out," I advised. "I don't have any money," she whined. "My husband hid the checkbook." "Is your name on the account?" I asked. "Yes." "Then go to the bank, withdraw money and leave." Then she started telling m …

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Questions that best identify sociopathy in a person

January 25, 2008 // by Liane Leedom, M.D.// 67 Comments

It really bothers me that researchers haven't developed a measure to help people figure out if their loved ones are sociopathic. Instead, measures have been developed and the public is told NOT to use them to “diagnose” anyone. What good is research if it doesn't teach people how to protect themselves? It would not be too difficult to identify a group of sociopaths, then determine a few easy questions related to the disorder most of the sociopaths answer yes or no to (that is sensitivity). The questions would be even better if non-sociopaths were unlikely to give the same response (that is specificity). In a recent study (Comp. Psych. 48, 529), Dr. Heather Gelhorn and her colleagues from th …

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Aggression

January 23, 2008 // by DrSteve// 117 Comments

Question: Why do people engage in aggressive behaviour (some, as we know, rather more than others)? Answer: Because they enjoy it. There's a bit of a flutter on the internet (see here and here) about research coming out of Vanderbilt University. Studying mice, Maria Couppis and Craig Kennedy have found that aggression can be as emotionally rewarding as food or sex. The neurotransmitter dopamine has been implicated in nearly every experience we consider rewarding, such as love, drugs, eating, and sex. Indeed, the mesolimbic dopamine pathway is referred to as the reward system of the brain. Dopamine is necessary for reinforcement, e.g. the ex-smoker's craving brought about by the whiff …

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After he’s gone: Looking at the sociopath through open eyes.

January 23, 2008 // by M.L. Gallagher// 48 Comments

My 100% responsibility. I had a glass of wine last night with a girlfriend who is leaving for a three month holiday at the beginning of February. Where she's going is not important -- except when put in the context of who is at the place she's going to. A man. A man she once loved who could not, would not commit. A man who hid behind silence. Who never told her where he was, what he was doing or who he was with. She spent the first year after leaving him healing her broken heart. And then she started dating. A few months ago she decided to phone the man far away. "We were such good friends. Friends stay in touch and I just wanted to see how he was," she told me. With that phone call, the …

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Differentiating narcissists and psychopaths

January 21, 2008 // by Steve Becker, LCSW// 87 Comments

Editor's note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com. We can begin by noting something that both narcissists and psychopaths share: a tendency to regard others as objects more than persons. Immediately this raises concerns: you don't have to empathize with objects; objects don't have feelings worth recognizing. You can toy with objects; manipulate and exploit them for your own gratification, with a paucity of guilt. Welcome to the world of the narcissist and psychopath. Theirs is a mindset of immediate, …

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ASK DR. LEEDOM: Are sociopaths (and psychopaths) vindictive?

January 18, 2008 // by Liane Leedom, M.D.// 465 Comments

A woman who married and had children with two different sociopathic men wrote us this week. Her story and questions are timely since they allow me to mention another upcoming book, the conference Donna and I attended last weekend and to discuss vindictiveness. It seems most women who have children with sociopaths end up with the sociopaths walking out on their children as well as the women, leaving the survivors to mop up and struggle to understand what happened on their own. From what I understand of sociopaths, the prevalent attitude they seem to behave as if they "don't care" about anything except doing what benefits them”¦ (she told her story of marriage, children, custody battles and …

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The psychopath’s bewildering ways of talking

January 16, 2008 // by DrSteve// 227 Comments

A reader says: "I kept wondering what was going on in his head. I could never follow his thinking. I think he might have been into alcohol and drugs and that in itself messes the brain, and along with his other personality disorders, sure makes for a confusing relationship." The thinking patterns of the psychopath are indeed weird. It seems there are biological and intentional reasons for this. In others words, he is unable to think very logically PLUS he intends to mislead. No wonder he is hard to follow! Below I list several factors which together make the psychopath a most bamboozling character. The odd speech of psychopaths The psychopath makes "frequent use of contradictory …

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Worst-case scenarios at the Battered Women conference

January 15, 2008 // by Donna Andersen// 1 Comment

The keynote speaker had a question for the 200 or so women in the room during the Battered Women, Abused Children and Child Custody conference: "How many of you have been thrown in jail during your custody battle?" Approximately 15 women raised their hands. These women had been thrown in jail by the courts—technically on charges such as contempt of court or failure to pay child support. In reality, the women were jailed for trying to protect their children from abusive fathers. At least one woman was a fugitive, unable to return to her home state. No one in the audience was surprised—except, perhaps, me. Dr. Liane Leedom and I attended the conference, which was held this past wee …

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Undoing the riddle of the sociopath

January 13, 2008 // by M.L. Gallagher// 15 Comments

A while ago, I heard a riddle on the radio I hadn't heard since I was a young girl. Three men go to a hotel and book a room together. The room costs $30, so they each pay $10. After they've gone upstairs the desk clerk realizes the room only cost $25. He gives the bellhop $5 and tells him to return the money to the men. The bellhop figures he can't split $5 evenly, so he pockets $2 and gives them each $1 back. That means they each paid $9 for the room. Which means they paid, $27 total. But, if you add the bellhops $2, it means there's only $29 -- Where did the extra $1 go? Ultimately, the answer is, it's not a math question -- it's a case of misdirection. The riddle asks us to follow the …

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