It’s easy to fall asleep at the wheel on the road of life. To lose consciousness under the seeming weight of sorrows, trials and tribulations pounding you into the dirt. To forget to open your eyes to the wonders passing by. Everyday living has a numbing effect on reality. However, if you’re in relationship with someone who resembles the label of a sociopath, psychopath, narcissistic personality disordered or any other disorderly letter of the alphabet, it’s even easier to forget who you are and where you’re going. Staying awake drifts from your mind as you are drained by the numbing effect of his abuse. The deeper your drift, the further waking up races from possibility.
When we’re in an abusive relationship, we’ll do a lot to avoid waking up, including sleep walking our way through each passing day. But, sleep walking can be deadly. One day can lead to one year which can roll into a decade. Decades pass and you wind up living life on the edge of consciousness, one eye on the door waiting to see what comes in. The other eye is searching for an exit sign, hoping for an opening where it’s the right time, right day, right place to step away, step free, get going away from his abuse. If you are in a relationship where your reasons for staying revolve around slamming doors, fear rising and freedom vanishing, it’s time to wake up and ask yourself, What am I doing?
Yes, it’s hard to leave. Yes, there are 101 reasons why you can’t do it. But, whether you do it today, or do it in a year, the children who keep you there, the financial stress that holds you back, the fear that keeps you shaking, will still be there. Excuses endure. An abuser endures too.
An abuser will do everything he can to make you believe it’s all your fault. He’ll do whatever it takes to convince you that you cannot leave him. Don’t believe him. He’s lying. It’s imperative you face the truth. Prince charming has turned into the prince of darkness. It isn’t some ‘other guy’ hitting you. It’s him. The man you fell in love with. The one who promised to love you ’til death do us part.’ He just forgot to mention, he took the ‘death part’ really seriously. Remember, you didn’t create the monster raging in front of your eyes. And you are powerless to stop him being who he is. Your power lives in stopping his abuse in your life by stepping away from the source of your pain. His abuse.
To end abuse, you must wake-up to its reality
Waking up from abuse isn’t easy. But then, sleep-walking through life is no way to live free of abuse.
Being in an abusive relationship isn’t easy, either, nor is leaving. This isn’t about what’s easy. It’s about what is right. For you. For your children. For your future. It would be nice to keep believing that he has all your answers. It’s just not true. Nobody, regardless of what the abuser says, has your answers. You do. Nobody has the right to tell you where to go, when to go, where to sit, what to wear, what to say. Nobody has the right to tell you who you are. Abusers assume the right and we assume they’re right under the weight of their abuse.
Facing the truth that we have the power to change the abuse in our life, but not the abuser, can be terrifying. It puts us at the centre of our existence, and after having lived so long on the periphery of our lives, it’s frightening to wake-up and claim centre stage. Yet, it’s imperative that we wake up to the truth. It could be a decision between life and death.
Wake-up and make a difference in your life
There is a way to wake-up from the nightmare of abuse and live the life of your dreams. Here are some steps you can take to make a difference in your own life and let go of the difference abuse is making in keeping you stuck in the living nightmare of someone else’s crazy-making antics.
Step 1 No More Lies
Stop and really listen to yourself. Are you afraid? Are you repeating all the bad things he says about you again and again in your head? Are you frightened of speaking up, speaking out, standing up for yourself? If you answered yes, then it’s time to quit lying to yourself and everyone else. What he’s doing is wrong. It isn’t normal. Quit trying to justify his bad behaviour. Quit making you the reason he hits you. You’re not. Quit being the victim of his abuse. When the voices of self-doubt rise up, remind yourself, those are his words speaking, not my truth. Find your own truth. Let go of his lies.
Recently I was working with a woman who had finally left an abusive marriage after 16 years. A single mother of four children, two of them with serious health issues, she struggled with the responsibility of accepting, in staying for those 16 years, she had made choices that affected her life and her children’s lives. But I was a victim, she said.
I’m with Gavin de Becker (The Gift of Fear). The first time someone hits me, I’m a victim. The second time, I’ve made a choice to be there. With that first hit he gave me a clear indication of all that he was capable of. In staying, I chose to ignore the warning. I chose to make a decision based on escalating anger, behaviours that I knew were out of whack with ”˜normal’. Behaviours that scared me. I stayed because I was too afraid to leave.
The woman and I talked about her fears of being accountable in having chosen to stay.
“But that means I asked for it,” she said.
“No.” I replied. “It means you made a choice to believe the unbelievable after he hit you once. You chose to believe, he’d never do it again, thus making it acceptable he’d done it once. At no time, however, does it mean you deserved it. No one deserves abuse. No one deserves to be hit or screamed at or called names. That behaviour is not about who we are, it’s about who they are and what we’re willing to accept. You never deserved to be hit, and you never asked for it. You chose to stay. When we accept responsibility for our choices, we empower ourselves to make different choices.”
That is the gift and power of no more lies. We quit denying our role in staying and applaud ourselves by having the courage to leave.
Step 2 Let go of someday thinking and never say never
Let go of someday thinking and never say never. There is no such time as someday and never never happens. Listen to what you’re saying. Do you think in someday terms? Do you say to yourself, “Someday I’m just going to get up, pick up the kids and walk out of here. I don’t care if I have a penny to my name, if I don’t have a job. I don’t care what the neighbours think or what he says, someday I’m not going to take this anymore.”
A woman I worked with decided one day that she had had enough. Eleven years into the relationship she woke up one morning and realized, he was never going to change. He liked things just the way they were. She packed up her twins, ran to a shelter and has never looked back.
Three years later she says, “I didn’t have any money when I was with him and I didn’t have any money when I left. Nothing was different the day I packed up except I let go of thinking about someday and did it now. My life is way better than it ever was with him. I still don’t have much money, but I’m not being abused. And without his angry outbursts and unpredictable behaviour, I am able to make plans, go back to school, get a job, take care of my twins. I have way more energy and I know I’m going to be okay. I didn’t know that when I was with him.”
He isn’t going to change. He doesn’t have to. And all the wishful thinking in the world will not make it happen someday.
Give it up. Let it go. Shake it out and quit planning on someday. Start planning on the date when you get free. Set a date. A timeline. A target. Plan. If you fear for your life in leaving, don’t tell him anything about your plans. Just do it. There is no such time as someday and never never happens.
Step 3: Find help
We suffer abuse alone — except for our children of course. They’re part of it too but we try not to think of that very often when we’re rationalizing staying for their sake. Mostly, however, we suffer abuse alone, especially in our heads.
We repeat again and again what he said, what he did, what we didn’t do. We talk about if only I had”¦ We think about, one day, maybe. And then we suffer silently in our heads.
To leave, you need help. Get it. Don’t make excuses. Don’t say, but he’ll find out. He’ll know I’m up to something. Be as secretive and cautious as you must, but get help.
After I was released from the living hell I endured for 4 years 9 months with the abusive man who went to jail and is no longer in my life, I realized, he knew I wouldn’t lie to him. He knew I couldn’t lie to him. I believed he was omnipotent. I believed he knew everything I did and said.
He made sure to paint the picture in such a way, I believed he did. Sometimes, he’d phone and ask, “Is there something you need to tell me?”
“I love you,” I’d quickly reply.
“I’m serious. Is there something you need to tell me?”
I’d rack my brain. “No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” my voice more hesitant.
“You know I hate liars. You know I need to trust you completely.”
I’d pause and look back over my day frantically searching for a transgression. Oh no! I’d had lunch with a male friend from work. How did he know? Quietly, I’d tell him the truth. And then I’d apologize. I’d hang up and wonder, how did he know?
He didn’t. He was just really good at making me feel guilty for doing nothing wrong.
I needed help. I never looked for it. Every time I thought about leaving, of contacting someone for help, I’d remind myself of all the lies he’d told me. My phones were tapped. Men were listening in. Watching me. Tailing me. Taking pictures of me unawares. I’d remember the times he phoned and told me he liked the dress I was wearing that day. How did he know? I hadn’t told him and hadn’t seen him. He didn’t have to see me. He didn’t have to know the actual dress. As long as he kept me guessing, I’d never wake up to the realization he’d never actually described the dress I was wearing, just said he’d liked it.
I never went for help. Never reached out. Never asked. I almost died. And through it all, I never gave up my magical thinking that one day, someone, somewhere would make it all stop. Make it all go away. Make him love me again. Make him be Prince Charming again. Make me okay. Maybe even, make him forgive me for having caused so much trouble in his life.
It never happened. I knew what was happening to me was wrong, but I could never face the truth. In running from the truth, I ran into his lies and believed I was the cause of his bad behaviour. I was just the recipient. I was never responsible for his lies. Just my own when I quit believing the truth of what was happening to me, and bought into the lies he told me. His bad behaviour could never stop as long as I stayed with him.
Ask for help. Get informed. Google ”˜how to leave an abusive relationship’. There’s lots of ideas and help online. Make sure you look up what to do to erase your Internet footprints. Make sure you keep yourself safe. And DO IT. You have to take the steps to get free. No one else can do it for you.
Leaving him isn’t easy. Healing takes time, but healing cannot begin until you get free. Whether you do it today, tomorrow or five years down the road, healing will always take time, but it can’t begin until that moment in time when you close the door behind you and leave him and his abuse in the past.
Do it and start healing.
I followed a cycle of picking men that were abusive to myself. The Don Juan of Con, supposedly was the one that broke the cycle. However, he did not, he continued it. He had made me feel like I was the sociopath, even though he continued to call me from his last victim’s house, right up to after he married her. The reason, I could blow his world apart, his con. I tried when I found out he wasn’t who he was. His sister tried to convince the authorities, and I even faxed dozens and dozens of documentation. He ‘showed’ proof that he was not that person. The detectives had their hands tied, they couldn’t arrest him for anything until he broke the law. In the meantime, I had from 2000-2005 wrestled with trying to find closure, and feeling that I would never gain a healthy sense of myself. His threats and his accusations against me devastated me. He took advantage of me, emotionally and physically too. He is a classic abuser, and I see that I didn’t break the cycle. It took me reuniting with an old friend from high school, that women do not have to be abused to be loved, that to love a woman shows respect, honesty, and consideration. It is ok to be loved gently, respectfully, and honestly. I started to gain my sense of worth back, knowing that my sociopath ex was attempting to destroy me because he felt threatened by the real essence of me. I have the ability to stop him, and though it is true that police officers sometimes dismiss the fraud that happened to you, it isn’t the end of the world. You can rebuild your life, and you can do it without a man/woman in it. This is your healing time, you gain a sense of accomplishment in your achievements. However small they may seem they are accomplishments. Starting over in a new life is never easy. I stared at homelessness too many times because of an abusive man, but this time, I was determined to make a go of it by myself. He couldn’t take away my career, my integrity, but what he tried to do is destroy it. When I decided to NOT allow him to have the power over me, is when I began to heal. I discovered that there are good people out in the world that are genuine, and that I am capable of being somebody. I am in control of myself, and only I am responsible for my own happiness. It takes time to heal, and it is obtainable. Every victim of abuse is a valuable person in her/his right. You have the ability to raise above it. Getting through one day at a time is healing, and dealing with issues of being told you are not good enough, or you are selfish, etc. is hard. You can become a person of strength, because you have survived the travesty of not being loved honestly, and correctly. You can love yourself, and become the person you are, and not the person the abuser claims you are.
“Prince charming has turned into the prince of darkness.”
Boy, does that hit the nail on the head. I used to call him “my Knight in Rusty Armor.” since we met and courted at a Renaissance event.
Yes, I kept thinking “someday”. Not that he would change, because I couldn’t even see that he was the problem. Oh sure, some of his behaviors were kind of weird, but he didn’t hit me or verbally abuse me, and when you love someone you trust them completely, right?
Never again. If I do ever get interested in a man again, which I doubt, I am going to be very upfront with him that I WILL be checking if what he says is true. He’s welcome to do the same to me. I’m changing “love is complete trust” to “love is having nothing to hide.”
Hi Donnalayne — you sound confident, powerful and committed to yourself — awesome. I love your statement at the end, “You can love yourself, and become the person you are, and not the person the abuser claims you are.” My greatest gift in freedom is being all that I’m meant to be. It’s so incredibly freeing. Thanks!
Movingon! Yup. Love is having nothing to hide. I kept choosing to believe his words and ignored action. He’d say — I have nothing to hide. But his lips were moving and his hands where tucked behind his back and his eyes were closed and I closed mine too.
Trust is built — after I’ve determined the man is who he says he is — and that takes time and effort and a commitment to staying true to me.
Yes, movingon, I agree 110%. If I ever as much as think of having another man enter my life, they will have to prove them selves to me first. And I would hope they think enough of themselves to do the same. It will take time and the challenge will be to not allow your self to get emotionally overthrown in the meantime, a habit I have always done in the past.
Don’t close the door, just rethink the process, test the water before jumping in.
I never had an intimate relationship with my narcissist- just talk and inferences. I was used to listen for months.
I was looking for a friend- really affirmation and love- and ended up just used. I refused the physical part- we’re married–I just wanted a friend-in the end he used my ear like a condom.
To move on- I think of the juvenile behavior I forgave or politely ignored. They are all fools. And in the end I can recall his cruelty in a therapeutic way, he once hissed out of the blue:you’re a sociopath
uh,huh yeah- what a projectionist- he should work at the amc
I don’t know if I’m on the right blog, but I am new to this. I need help and can’t figure out how to get it. It’s for my mother. She is 77 yrs. old and is the victim of a financial predator. We have known him since 1975. My sister just diet on Mother’s Day (5/13/07). She left my mother as the sole beneficiary to a life insurance policy worth a large sum of money. My mother’s boyfriend has come and gone in her life in correlation with the amount of money she has had. When she has money, he sticks like glue. When he is finished draining her, he leaves. Well, he found out about the insurance policy and now he is by her side. After my sister passed away, but before he found out about the money, he was not there for my mom. During that time, mom was hurt and angry. She turned over to me much documentation of the financial abuse. I have gone to CRIS senior services, but they won’t do anything. They say she has to want to prosecute him. I went to the police and the State’s Attorney. They need documentation from a Psychiatrist that says mom is uncapable to handling her finances before they will do anything. My mom’s boyfriend has lied to my mom to the point that she will not trust me. She thinks I am just getting into her business. I have seen my mom in poverty to the point that she lived in a roach infested home without running water for a period of months. She even cooked on a hotplate for a year because he conned her out of her stove. I have so much documentation but no one will help. I feel like I’m running into a brick wall every time I turn around. I wrote to Oprah thinking she could help, but got no response. I am at my wits end. I have a job, a family, and this is taking it’s toll on me emotionally and mentally. At one point, when mom’s boyfriend was out of town, she went with me to an attorney. She willingly and freely went before the court to allow me to be her guardian of her estate. This was to be temporary until we were able to go back to court and finalize it. Now, with him by his side, she went back to court is now fighting it. It may be that we can get a bank to be her guardian of her estate. However, this does not solve the problem of her boyfriend continuing to badmouth my brother and I and keep her from us. We don’t want her money, we just want our mother. I believe she is bipolar, but I’m sure she will never go to a psychiatrist. She now does not trust me. It was court odered that she get a mental health assessment, but if she allows to have a bank be her guardian, then the judge may say she no longer needs the mental health assessment. Is there anyone who has dealt with anything like this and could provide some direction? Please-I don’t know what to do. All advice would be greatly appreciated.
Helpme, what you are saying reminded me of a story I read in our local New Times in Phoenix. The title is “Dying for Love”
Here is the link. If the link doesn’t work, you can go to New Times, Phoenix and do a search for the story which came out in 2003. I don’t want to scare you even more than you are, but it is serious. Maybe with other family members, together, you can all make her see what is going on. But I also realize people do not see what they do not want to see. Being a sociopath is not a crime and even after they have committed a crime, they often get away with it. Justice is not cheap.
http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/2003-09-25/news/dying-for-love/
It is imperative that we not just leave the socio (as hard as that is) but heal so we do not go back. I made a mistake by reconnecting to my socio after a 4 month period of time of no contact. He had moved out of state, and on to his next victim. I felt fine for a few months and then the pain and loneliness kicked in and I called. And he was right there to take my call and tell me everything I wanted to hear, even put his girlfriend on hold while we talked. He said he didn’t think anything was wrong with us keeping in touch (even though he was doing this behind his current girlfriend’s back).
My story is a bit different because the person I was involved with had a lust/sex addiction, was bipolar, anger issues and was abusive. The sexual addiction was played out in his need for me and control of me. He used his desire to manipulate me and brainwash me. He said he never had a physical relationship with any woman they way it was with me. He said to me constantly, “We are hot for each other.” (No, I really wasn’t. I knew something wasn’t right..) He desired me constantly, loving everything about me. Never had I felt so desired and accepted, exactly as I was. He had a thing for me, and said it was the strongest desire he had ever known.
After three months I noticed he’s looking at other women. I caught on he had lust issues. But he swore he was faithful because his fiancee cheated on him twice. He left her. Said he could never hurt someone the way he had been hurt. Within a year, he’s talking to a girl right in front of me. I’m like, what is he going to do, pick someone up right in front of me? He says he is just friendly and he is faithful to me. This behavior went on for over a year. He told me I was insecure and crazy and it was all in my mind; it was not happening. I played the part of being there for him because he needed me sexually. After awhile, I begin to think we had a sexual addiction for each other. We didn’t. (As a matter of fact, he had a sexual dysfunction.) It was a very strong part of the relationship, and after he moved away, he would call and tell me he couldn’t get over me, he couldn’t stop. Continually he lead me on, keeping me right where he wanted me. He suggested I move in with him but he knew I wouldn’t do that. So he started to seek out the next victim because I couldn’t supply his need 100% of the time. I was too far away.
I wasn’t nuts, just confused. I had no intention of supporting him or moving to be with him. He learned early on he would get no money from me. I was angry that he rarely took me out and spent money. He never had it. Always some excuse. But he always had $$ to do what he wanted to do, i.e. hobbies, trips, etc.
I was a difficult victim because I argued. I intersected truth into his world of deceit and delusion. He would explode into rage, beat me and tell me it was my fault because I knew he had an anger problem. Said it was my fault that I accused him of looking at other women. He later said, “I can’t manage you.” Meaning: You are not worth the trouble of fighting to get what I want—other women are easier. Unfortunately his lust addiction for me kept him glued to me. He created a vacuum in my soul because I had never been in a realtionship where a man was out of his mind for me in that way. He had me believe no one had the type of intimacy we did. So we were locked into this abusive craziness. I believe God intervened and provided a job for him hundreds of miles away. For several months after his move, he flew back and forth frantically to see me because of his sexual urges, all the while telling me how much he loved me and he couldn’t go very long without me. As time progressed, the visits became fewer, arguing increased, and he learned to take his addiction elsewhere. He went to porn video places and watched video in booths and masterbated. One time he called me from a booth and described what he was watching. One time he heard his next door neighbor having sex and again, he was back to the porn booth. He actually told me how he went to a pool bar and met a girl who gave him oral sex and how he called her for three days because he wanted a girlfriend. She never returned his phone calls. Smart, drunk girl!
As horrified as I was in this and knowing full well he had an addiction and worsening by the moment, I felt sorry for him. I felt the loss of his need for me. I continued to get sucked in to the manipulations. He said he acted out all of this because I wasn’t here for him. I felt like I started to believe it.
Today, he is with his current victim. She is passive, and gives him much control. She drives 5 hrs. south to stay with him for days on end, has no life and he loves it. She doesn’t argue, doesn’t question, and probably condones him lusting after other girls in her presence. He is happy. Nobody is giving him truth about his behavior. In just two months she is looking for work in his town, giving up her life and family. I pity this girl for what lies ahead for her.
As with all of these guys, the deception is knee deep. When I reconnected with him he told me that he thinks about me when he’s having sex with her, and has to do that to be able to orgasm. Said he still fantasizes about me all the time. When I asked if he loved her or planned to marry her he said no. I told him what he was doing was wrong. He responded coldly that if she moved there, she might meet somebody else. Still, continued manipulation. Is willing to speak to me on the side, behind his girlfriend’s back while she’s somewhere else.
I had to break away again. Got more information than I wanted and was devastated again. It only painfully showed me that he probably did the same thing behind my back when we were together. He swears he didn’t; I was all that he wanted. I do feel sorry for this girl. I’m sure she loves him and believes that he loves her. Soon enough, she will witness his deception, his violence and horrible rageful anger. Then he will blame her and she will get sucked into the madness. One thing I can tell you about sociopaths: They take you to the bottom, destroy you and smile and tell you they love you all the way. Scary.
Sorry for my rambling. This is my first blog. Getting ack to my main point—get healing to stay away for good. Otherwise you may go back for a another spoonful of pain, perhaps more painful than you’ve had before.
Hello, I wasn’t sure where to post this question but this thought has been nagging at me. Recently I found my ex N/S’s girlfriend’s photo on the internet.. it was a full body photo and she doesn’t look anything like I imagined! She was heavier than he described and not nearly as good looking as he said.. interesting!
Anyway, he cheated on her several times (with me) and god knows how many times with others, yet she still hangs in. She’s considerably younger than he is and somewhat naive from what I have gathered. I don’t believe she trusts him.. apparently she showed up in the middle of the night a few times to see if he was with someone else.
He has nothing to do with her child or her family.. but she puts up with this treatment. He also controls when she can see him and he doesn’t go to her house because he doesn’t like the neighborhood.
Lately I have this compulsive urge to send her an anonymous message via email or one of the social networking sites to warn her about him but don’t want it to be traceable to me.
Is this something I should follow through on or should I forget the idea? She is young and has her whole life ahead of her and is wasting time with him because he will never marry her or make a real commitment.
Now that I have been out of contact with him, it’s strange how suddenly I want to act on this! What should I do?