Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call “Annalise.”
Experts say date 2 years before you can fully know someone, so here’s my story:
Despite pouring over these websites and reading blog after blog to educate myself and heal myself, I’ve let another unsuspected sociopath into my life, or maybe I’ve know all along.
So the first sociopath was an 8 month roller coaster with red flags everywhere, despite his coming off a 20 year marriage with a 15 year management job. He was on the higher end of the scale. And despite the stability with his first marriage and job: he truly was the Devil’s child and it haunts me to this day.
This other guy that I dated 2 years was on the lower end of the scale. He knew early on that I would leave if he lied or ever treated me wrong. And I was going to take our dating slow due to my past experience, and that is what he wanted too, so it was a nice arrangement.
What I eventually realized was this new guy needed a front for his parents, siblings and colleagues who continually questions why he hasn’t been married. So he became my perfect date for two years.
He wined and dined me like a perfect gentleman. We slowly introduced each other to our families and friends; however we never lived together because that would of exposed what lay hidden under the mask. Â He knew how to subtly keep me hooked and engaged in the relationship; knowing he couldn’t truly love me nor move the relationship along. He never love bombed me either or asked for money. And like the first guy, he warned me that he was emotionally unavailable.
I should have left then, but he treated me so well. You see the first guy liked to emotionally hurt me, the more recent guy didn’t operate that way. He just needed someone as a companion (weekend dates).
So I finally had enough of being courted in a superficial way and I sensed he was tired of faking it, so yesterday I said my good-byes. Â This is when I saw for the first time the cold and calculating nature of his true being.
Few words were exchanged during this break up. In my mind there was no point in pushing a conversation with him. I certainly new he was vacant inside and any outpouring of emotion on his end would be hog-wash.
Although, he clearly was mad. I believe it was because now he had to explain to his circle why he is single again. And while no big deal, they all adored me and wanted me in the family, so they’ll be shocked about the news.
 I’m sure I’ll never hear from him again. He’ll tell them a nice lie, but never the truth of “I can’t love”. I think his siblings know he’s genetically different, but we all agree he is a nice guy on the surface who can’t love and won’t marry.
Lesson here: They come in all shapes and sizes and many know how to fit into society.
Is he a hard core sociopath? (I don’t know, I doubt it.) Â Had I pushed our relationship further early on and married him, my story could have been much different. Â
Do I have regrets? I knew what I was getting myself into and I guarded my heart to be safe.
Was it a healthy (absent the love) and a mutual courtship? Will I miss him? Do I care for him? Yes, yes and yes.
But life is short, right? I deserve more, I deserve love. And life is about love!
Best wishes to everyone! I read this site almost daily and wanted to contribute.
He was either the most incredible person I ever met, or a deplorable monster
A front!
Yes, SPs need a front.
My goodness, this post resonated so much for me.
My SP son married very fast…they hardly knew each other. Then, they had two children, that I knew HE in no way should have had. No surprise that it all came crashing down.
He thought he had his ‘front’ though. Luckily for my DIL, she realized things were too strange and got the hell out. Unfortunately, his front damaged so many peoples’ lives. Now he is angry (not sad) and vindictive. He failed in so many peoples’ eyes and he is not having that.
I also know that others know that my SP son is off, but people just don’t know how to deal with it. Or, what his problem really is, more like.
What you said about how they ‘can’t love’. Too true. Why try to falsely prove it, though? I wonder about that.
All the very best to you 🙂
Annalise, you should be proud of yourself for taking the initiative and ending your relationship. It does not matter if he is a sociopath or not you were not getting what you needed (emotions) out of the relationship. Like you state life is too short to settle.
Just a reminder…
1 in 25 people mainly men are psychopaths & sociopaths!!!! YES!! Scary!!
1 in 5 people 75% men fall into the narcissistic personality disorder individuals
These types of people are abusers of the world….plain & simple
Think about this:
every class with 25 kids you were in, in school had a sociopath/psychopath!! Now as you are older they are in your work place, or in the deli line, or at a party.
of those 25….5 were narcissist
of the class of 25…6 had the most abusive personality disorder…throw in the rest of the personality disorders and you MUST weed out everyone you come in to contact with!
Experts believe that we meet a sociopath/psychopath in passing EVERYDAY…so incredible scary!!And that we have a sociopath/psychopath in our circle of friends without even knowing it…even more scary!!
The book The sociopath next door by Harvard Professor Dr Martha Stout is on you tube for free (audio version)…take the time to listen to the audio it will remind you how easy it is for these crazy people to blend into society.
Good things will come your way!!
Jan7,
I do think the numbers have changed. This world is WAY more narcissistic. With cell phones, people demand instant answers, instant service. Or they are so dismissive of others.
I read a book recently, not new, and it followed the same mindset, that we are raising a whole crop of narcissistic children, and that there are LOTS more of the self absorbed creatures out there. It’s an epidemic. Makes me wonder if the numbers have shifted on the sociopath count as well…b/c it sure seems that those without a conscience seem also to be an epidemic.
just one more stat…87% of divorces are filled by the wife (not the husband). Remember this too when talking with a man that is divorced. You have to wonder what the real reason was that the wife could not take being married any longer to the man that you are talking with.
Yes, very good point.
Those of us who have had an experience with a SP can probably now realize that there are many men out there that are just that. SPs.
And, THAT is likely a big reason that many women file for divorce!
This post reminded me of a gem of wisdom I once heard but didn’t believe. I had to learn the hard way. When a man tells you he is emotionally unavailable, believe him.
It may not be accurate to characterize a man who is recently divorced as having had a stable marriage – if it was stable it wouldn’t have ended in divorce.
Sounds like the second partner described was interested in companionship but not in a committed serious relationship. It would be helpful to know some examples of his spath behaviors.