My husband on the outside — the man everyone else sees:
– The nicest person you could ever meet
– Positive, Non-Confrontational, High Energy, Bubbly Personality
– Will bend over backwards to do anything to help anyone
– He is everyone’s best friend
– He will cook for you or will clean dishes if you cook for him ”¦ and always offers a helping hand
– Very attentive
– Very loving
– Will serve you coffee in bed every morning and maybe breakfast too!
– The kindest and biggest gentleman you think you have ever met
– Will always tell you how beautiful you are everyday
– He will take very good care of you financially
– He is always concerned for everyone’s well being
– He is an entrepreneur and works 7 days a week, but always makes an effort to be home by 5:00 p.m. and by 2:00 pm on weekends to ensure he is making quality time to be with his wife
– Happy Go Lucky kinda Guy
– Will call you every 2-3 hours because he misses you and wants to hear your voice
– Very stylish and you would think he is a Class-Act kinda Guy (He is very attractive and lots of people says he looks like Paul McCartney)
My husband behind the mask:
– Sneaky
– Secretive
– Porn Addict
– On a date night out, he will have moments of scanning the entire room checking out women (and maybe men too) like a predator
– Compulsive Liar (big lies/little lies) – And if you confront him with a lie, he will deny ”¦ deny ”¦ deny). And will always say I didn’t do anything. Even if I showed him proof of a lie in print or on video he would still deny and say he didn’t do anything wrong.
– He calls everyone his friend even with a one time introduction, but he really has no friends
– Has Bi-Sexual Traits
– He loves to fantasize during intimacy about seeing his wife with another man while he watches
– He changes women’s names to disguise them in his cell phone
– Always keep his cell phone at distance or upside down
– Owes many people money who invested as a partner in Business as he never uses his own money. Many of these Partners are begging for their money back. He once said ”¦ they may never see a penny of their money back.
– He can schmooze anyone into getting anything he wants for his benefit including money, sex, etc. etc.)
– Always carries Viagra with him being in his car, briefcase, traveling, etc.
– He’s always making sexual related comments to everyone in his place of business and out of his place of business
– He is very much into happy endings (massages)
– He acts as though he does not have a jealous bone in his body, no emotions ”¦
Here are a few interesting stories
I have seen his internet history checking out single’s websites, one night fling sites, porn sites and many more on a regular basis. Can’t figure this one out as I have never denied him of sex whenever he wanted it. But, I found it interesting when I would approach him for an intimate night he always gave me a rain check.
For one of my birthday surprises ”¦ He said he hired a massage therapist who was coming to our home to give me a massage. He said he asked the massage therapist to give his wife a massage in his underwear? I was shocked ”¦ I am sure this was for his benefit and not mine. I know he wanted to watch for his pleasure. Well, I didn’t go for this so it never happened! A little too bizarre for me.
I have been to several psychologists wondering if something was wrong with me which I confirmed it was him. I sent him to see a psychologist for Sex/Porn Additions and this was a total waste, even went for Marriage Counseling that was a waste. One Ppsycologist told me to pack and leave as soon as possible as my husband was a man of low integrity. Since I now know about a Sociopath, I find it interesting that not one Psychologist even mentioned maybe he could be a Sociopath.
I have moved out twice. The first time I moved out ”¦ I moved back in 6 months later. No more than 6 weeks moving back in with him, I caught him pursuing a woman to have a bad night with (sexually) while he was in Las Vegas for business. (I showed up by surprise). The Lord was looking out for me on this one, as I had not planned to go the Vegas to see him nor did I even feel as though he was up to something.
After moving out the second time he was really trying to prove to me that he was going to change and show me he was going to be a loyal and honest husband. After 10 days of moving out the second time, I saw he was already contacting a couple of his past women. I continued to snoop to see if his word was good. There is a lot more to say what I have caught him at. I could write a book to tell many more incidents of his secrets, lies, etc. over the past 4 years.
I have never snooped into anyone’s business in my life until marrying this man. It all started after the first year with him as I starting to feel something didn’t seem right ”¦ so I started to snoop. For the past four years, if my intuition was telling me something was up, I would snoop into his phone, briefcase and emails. Every time I snooped I always found something.
I literally feel I have become addicted to being a snooper and spy. Sometimes, I felt I didn’t like myself for doing this. But now, I am not ashamed, I have no regrets and will never feel guilty. I even think I have gotten pretty good at it. I started not liking myself for doing this. The strange thing is I would always confront him of my findings, but still today he has not changed his passwords.
As my one year lease is coming to an end, he asked me to move back in with him. He also said he wants to talk about a solid plan to bring me back into his life to make this work. He said he would get a life insurance policy having me as the beneficiary, we could move to l larger place, anything I wanted to get me back he would do. I was actually considering it since I had not discovered much evidence of him doing wrong over the past 8 months. He has always said, honey I have never taken my wedding band off. I am a good husband; I would not cheat on you.
I was never really a single girl most of my life and very naive about dating, men, etc. I become single at age 47 head to read books about how to date and about men. I was the perfect victim for a sociopathic predator.
I have only been with my husband for 6 years. I am now 57 and he is 67. Both times I moved out I continued seeing him everyday/evening. He has never really showed emotions of sadness that I even moved out. He helped me move and practically furnished my place. Again, he is so loving and so kind and always makes sure I have enough money to get all my bills paid, etc. Recently when we spoke about me moving back in I found it interesting that he would say he wants me back but there was really no emotion. He would calmly say it’s up to you if you want to come back fine, but if not that’s okay too. (Doesn’t a man fight for his prize and passion????) Maybe the normal guy does?
I thank God I never gave up my business and the condo I have been living in for the past year. And I thank GOD ”¦ I did not move back in because in mid-June 2016, as I discovered he was having a fling with his “Russian/Polish” female server at his restaurant.
I have confronted him on this and of course he denies ”¦ denies ”¦ denies. He has been lying to me saying he had business meetings in the early evenings. I was actually believing him. Until I started snooping and discovered text messages that began in May 2016 (flirting, they miss each other, they love each other, giving her gifts, money, etc.)
They would meet for drinks after the restaurant closed. My husband is 30 years older than her. She has been married for 17 years and has two young girls. I have been so tempted to contact her husband to make him aware of this but I am not sure if this would be a good idea. I will figure this out later.
I started searching the interest for answers of who the other side of my husband was. I had never heard of a Sociopath. I started with searching personality disorders such as a Schmoozer, Overly Bubbly Personality, Con Artists, a Person that laughs after sentence and finally I discovered a Personality Disorder of called a Sociopath. I finally discovered Lovefraud.com and nailed it.
My husband is a Sociopath. This website has given me so much education, strength in how to exit the relationship and the NO CONTACT rule. Every day I read about a Sociopath to keep me strong so I don’t go back to him. This is helping me keep my sanity and myself grounded.
I told him I think he is a Sociopath and read to him all the signs. He sat there with a blank look not saying anything. He thinks I am crazy. Just recently I thought I could try to educate him hoping he could try to help himself. But now I realize there is no help for him. But I did say ”¦ if anything he should be AWARE of his actions behind the mask. I told him to please take some time and read about a Sociopath.
Everyone thinks we have the perfect relationship. And every single woman out there admires what they see us to be as a beautiful and perfect couple together ”¦ All women wish they could find the perfect man that I had found. Only if they knew!
A few days ago, I have started the “NO CONTACT” rule. He is texting/calling saying (I love you ”¦ I miss my wife and best friend). He’s texting saying I am worried about you and I’m going call 911 and said he is on his way over. The day before, I had given security at the gated entrance to my complex a sheet with two head shots and his two autos with the tag numbers. He showed up at the gate and they would not let him in. The guard told me later he became violent and almost ran over her.
I was shocked. Right now, he is texting and calling less. But he is getting lots of attention from his mistress right now. She is going to be his next victim. This will end up being a disaster for him. Especially if or when her husband discovers who she is seeing behind his back
This has been so hard because I am so in love with him. And, yes on the front side of our relationship I can really say we had the most beautiful ”¦ perfect relationship that anyone could ever imagine.
I have been following Donna’s advice. I am strong, I am doing very well mentally and keeping very positive and staying busy. And, continuously reading the “No Contact” rule. It’s helping me stay strong and disciplined. I would like to join Donna, hoping to educate others (male/female) about Sociopaths.
I have read many forums of other victim’s stories. They are all very similar. Today, I think everyone is googling anyone they meet as they start to date. I notice that no one is mentioning the name of their encounter with a Sociopath. I think we need to mention the “Sociopath’s” name any where we can on the internet so when people googling someone they just met they the Sociopath’s name will show up somewhere giving them a warning to be aware! We all can help others becoming a victim as we have.
I also read after a breakup a Sociopath will make me look to be the crazy one that destroyed our relationship. And, they are so good at lies that everyone will believe them. My husband is very close to his one and only daughter, age 46. She knows her father has had a lot of relationship breakups and past troubles in his life. She adores me and his ex-wife also adores me. His daughter told me early on that I was good for her father. Right now, his daughter and her family and her mother are all away on vacation. I think it is to my best interest to meet with the ex-wife as soon as she returns from vacation before he can meet with her to turn the family on me thinking I am crazy. I have evidence over the past 4 years to show proof of his betrayal, lies, dishonesty, etc., etc.
My next move it to file for divorce in which I have already scheduled a meeting with an attorney. I am not sure what to expect next from him. I am trying to stay aware of my surroundings at all times. I have been nauseous, can’t sleep, loss of appetite, nervous, anxiety and scared. I know everyone experiences the same. But there is hope, I am determined to stay strong. I am getting massages, chiropractic treatments, exercising, going to the ocean, etc. to help keeping my emotions and anxiety calm and release stress for my mental state and wellbeing.
NO MORE SNOOPING AND COUNTING VIAGRA’S FOR ME!!
Thank you so much Donna for educating the world about Sociopaths. Any way I can help to work with you on your mission, please let me know.
Sociopaths–Why We Believe Their Lies
Knowledge really is power. I also didn’t know what a sociopath was when I met the one I dated. It took 3 months before someone mentioned the word to me. I looked it up and found he had most of the traits. It was a real eye opener. Once you know, you can’t possibly go back to someone like that. But be prepared that he will step up his efforts (and lies) to try and win you back. It’s all about power and control. Don’t ever entertain the delusion that somewhere deep down he loves you. He doesn’t. He is not capable. That’s a tough pill to swallow but the truth will set you free. Five years is a long time, but be glad it wasn’t longer. I have a dear old friend who lost 26 years married to one. I can’t even imagine.
Hi, I am so glad that you found your way to Lovefraud…this site has been a blessing for all of us to educate ourselves on our nightmare ex.
There are a many huge RED FLAGS with your post that raise an alarm with me that you are in extreme danger with your husband.
The most dangerous time for a vicim of abuse is when she is either leaving her abuse or has left. It was brilliant of you to take photos of your husband to the complex security office but you still need to be on guard when you leave your complex or if he finds a way to jump the wall and walk in by foot.
What are the RED FLAGS that I see?
You state:
“He said he would get a life insurance policy having me as the beneficiary,”
What scary about this statement is he might also want you to sign for a insurance policy on your life…this is what sociopaths do…they will do something manipulative to make it sound logical in favor of the vicim but mark my word it is never in the favor of the vicim it will only benefit them. This is a extremely scary statement he made to you.
You state:
“He’s texting saying I am worried about you and I’m going call 911 and said he is on his way over. The day before, I had given security at the gated entrance to my complex a sheet with two head shots and his two autos with the tag numbers. He showed up at the gate and they would not let him in. The guard told me later he became violent and almost ran over her.”
Sociopaths play lots of mind games…he is setting you up so that you dont block him out of your life and It makes me wonder if he is attempting to gas light you with this statement…to push you over your emotional edge so that he can control you and bring you back into his life. (google & do a search on LF for gas lighting abuse).
The other thing that raises alarms with this statement is the thought that he could be saying things to your mutual friends as part of a “sociopath smear campaign” (google & do a search on love fraud at the top of this site) to make people not believe anything you state to them in the future about his abuse/cheating and to paint you as the reason why he left you (which is not the case) and also paint you as “crazy and unstable” and may harm yourself but may actually harm you or murder you.
The fact you told him that he is a sociopath is dangerous. he may try to harm you so that he is not exposed. Sociopaths hate to be exposed to the world
I hope you will reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline ASAP to ask for advise & education on how to have a “SAFETY PLAN” and “DOMESTIC ABUSE EXIT PLAN” while you are divorcing him. Also please go to your local abuse center to talk with a free counselor about these plans also. Give them a written brief on all that he has done to you that was abusive emotionally, mentally, verbally, financial, and physically. this way if he harms you in any way the center can hand over your statement to the police. And also write down the fact he wants to get a life insurance policy.
Ask a close trusted family member to keep a journal & tell them everything also and ask them to write down details of what you state to them and for them to keep dates/times of when you told them this info…this can be used in court should you need to obtain a restraining order.
You state:
“This has been so hard because I am so in love with him.”
One thing you will realize down the road when you have had the distance to see the relationship more clearly is that fact you never loved him but he created a addiction in you to make you think you loved him. With time you will see that you were conned into the relationship from day one…and conned to believe that you loved him.
You should be so proud of yourself for having the courage to “snoop” to learn the truth…I too am not the type of person to snoop but I did this also and am glad I did as it was part of what set me free from the hell I was living in with my ex h.
You should also be proud for doing a search on the next and also for having the courage here to share your story. It’s not easy to open up & share your story but it is one of the steps in starting your healing process.
I would suggest that you do NOT read your ex’s emails or text that he sends you. Why? because they are all brain washing to suck you back into a relationship with him. If you want to know is he is threatening you then have a friend read them and then hand those over to your divorce lawyer and talk to your local abuse center about getting a restraining order in place.
PLEASE PLEASE REACH OUT FOR HELP FROM THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE AND YOUR LOCAL ABUSE CENTER ASAP!! The USA hotline 800-799-SAFE and they can give you your local abuse center hotline.
WE HEAR YOU!! And we are all so glad that you found the courage to reach out here at love fraud. Keep asking question, vent & post here it really is part of the healing process. Watch the videos up at the top too.
Wishing you all the best!! 💚
Take care
I felt the same about the insurance too.
It’s amazing and great the word is getting out louder than ever about the spaths.
SITC
You are right on point with everything!
Check out the site One Moms battle.com, do a search on them here on Lovefruad and see their Facebook page.
If you decide to chat on their Facebook page open a fake email then a fake Facebook page so that your husband will not see what you are writing about.
On their site there is a section for a list of divorce lawyers that understand sociopath behavior & know how to deal with them in court.
Have your lawyer immediately stop you from being responsible for anything that he purchases now. No doubt he has run up credit card bills that you will be responsible for.
YES TALK WITH HIS EX WIFE ASAP WHEN SHE RETURNS from her vacation!! And compare stories!!
oops forgot to tell you that One Moms battle deals with court child issues mainly but everyone will help you with the divorce part as well.
Another great post Onna!
Your story caught my attention.
The reply from Jan7 is spot on.
I agree 100% with every word of her advice.
The addition to him has been created over time and is very strong.
No contact from this point on is a must.
Even if your husband does read any articles or info you give him on sociopaths will only anger him or use the info to his benefit to be a better spath.
Hugs to you, you are defiantly in the right place for support.
SITC
The best advice I could give is NO CONTACT, I fought that tooth and nail and it only drove me crazy. Block, Delete and change passwords, phone numbers anything that might make you 2 contact each other, build a good support system, this site is great for that, hopefully you have some people in your life that will help you out. Dont try warning anyone, they wont listen and it makes you look crazy, exactly what they want to do!! A good therapist can help you thru too!! Good Luck, I never thought I would reach the day when the nightmare would be over, There are a few triggers here and there but I handle it all much better now. It also helps that my ex overdosed and died. Karma does really come true. Best of luck to you and stay strong!
Ive been reading most of the articles in here and most of them spoke about violent behaviors after the charm. You are the first person whose story aligns with mines. I was never verbally nor physically abuse. I always felt like i was given too much attention (control) and he was always there to help and solve my issues. he was very friendly, loving and caring… BUT, the cheating never stopped, the lies were everywhere, He was rarely around (but always around on the phone), loan sharking me, conning and scamming other people, failing to pay his loans, being in accidents, and drinking and partying.
It’s been several years since I posted here and 12 years since I broke off my brief affair with the sociopath. I’m here today because I just saw our beloved Ox Drover on TV (actually youtube), out of the blue! She told the story of her son who is in prison for murder. I wonder if anyone here remembers Oxy and happened to have caught the show? Many of the comments on youtube were derogatory toward her, criticizing her mothering skills and blaming her for her son’s condition. When I saw that, I knew we have a LOT of work to do educating the masses. Especially going through the last 4 years almost losing our democracy, I think people are ready for a wake-up call about sociopaths and narcissists.
Stargazer – wow – so nice to see you! I hope you are well. I’ll have to look for OxDrover’s story on Youtube.
You’re right – if the comments were derogatory, there is much work to be done.