Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who posts as “justlikeyou.”
I will not give up my power. You have taken enough from me.
First a little background. I’m a nurse. I’m a proud American. I have worked in the field of developmental disabilities for 20 plus years. I have lived in California all of my life. California is unique in the way we serve individuals with developmental disabilities. There are families who move to this state simply because of it. In 1969 the Lanterman Act was passed in California. Simply put “The Lanterman Act declares that persons with developmental disabilities have the same legal rights and responsibilities guaranteed all other persons by federal and state constitutions and laws, and charges the regional center with advocacy for, and protection of, these rights.” I work within this regional center system. So you see for the last 20 plus years have spent 40 hours per week, sometimes more, advocating for the basic fundamental rights of people with developmental disabilities. I advocate for people who have their rights trampled routinely. I do my best to protect and serve on a daily basis.
Prior to the Lanterman Act it was commonplace for families with a child born with a disability to be told they had to place that child in a Developmental Center. There was no hope for this child. There was no choice for their family. This child would ruin their family. They were told this by very “knowledgeable individuals.” Doctors and those in positions of authority, “experts.” Families put their children into places of unspeakable horrors. Places where they were lined up like animals, sprayed with hoses in the name of a bath. Places where being raped or assaulted was an everyday fear or occurrence. It wasn’t until some brave families decided that this was unacceptable, this was not necessary, and their children deserved better, that things changed. Those families had the courage to stand up for what was right, what was good, and what was just. Those families changed forever the lives who would come after. They took a stand. They made a difference.
Are you wondering what this has to do with my life and experience with a narcissist, sociopath, psychopath? I’m there. Here is my story. Yes I have lived the textbook case. I came here to gain knowledge. To get myself out of that fetal position on the floor. To hopefully save my own sanity and life. The terms are all familiar, flying monkeys, gaslighting, triangulation, devalue and discard, manipulation, abuse, and no contact. I have read Psychopath Free, and When Love is Lie. Next on deck is From Charm to Harm. I found LoveFraud.com. I have gone no contact. I am actively pursuing my own “truth.”
I am struggling. Not with no contact. Not with understanding that I will never receive the closure of a “normal” relationship. Not with understanding that this is one sick bastard who will never get better. Not with understanding that I have simply been one in a very long line of women used, abused and thrown away like trash by this f***ed up man masquerading in a human casing. What I am having difficulty with is the idea that I have made it my life’s mission to protect and serve those who are unable to do it for themselves. I am having difficulty swallowing the fact that the system which is supposed to be designed to “protect and serve” us as survivors of this blatant abuse fails us so severely. Every book I pick up, every blog and every post I read re-inforces and warns me up front that the system will fail us as victims at every turn. I am struggling with accepting that. I find it completely, totally, and utterly unacceptable!! That is my struggle.
For those who would suggest that I am seeking revenge or some sort of wish to hurt as much as I have been hurt, who knows maybe you are right?
I see it differently. I see myself much like those families back in 1969. I see myself as needing what is just, what is right, what is undeniably mine as a citizen of this supposedly all powerful, civilized, great nation. I want fairness. I want justice. I want validation. I want everyone to know that this is unacceptable, wrong, illegal, and will not be forgiven, ignored, or tolerated, no matter the casing it comes wrapped in.
You see my “N” comes wrapped in a casing with a badge attached to the front pocket. My “N” has a free pass in spite of what a sick bastard he is, to carry a gun. My “N” has had the benefit for years to hide behind a sturdy wall of blue. My “N” has always had the benefit of protection from his actions in spite of being deemed “unfit” to continue his blue job due to “PTSD” and “anger” issues. Yet his word is still valuable. His word is still golden. His denial of any wrongdoing is still all it takes for him to trample my constitutional/civil rights in spite of no contact. Again I am struggling. Struggling to find this acceptable in any fashion. I ask myself daily. Where are those who are sworn to “protect and serve” me?
My “N” has tapped every electronic device I own. He has controlled my internet access taking over my router and wifi. He has gained access to my vehicle. Onstar is a pretty miraculous thing to hack believe me. Did you know that someone could remotely decide whether or not your vehicle runs? Can you imagine talking to your vehicle? Cursing and yelling threats that the mother f****r better start or you are likely to commit murder. You realize that there are speakers capable of transmitting your voice as well as whoever is on the other end correct? Imagine then hearing someone blow a kiss at you through those speakers then turning the key and your vehicle miraculously starting like there was never an issue in the first place!! Imagine waking in the middle of the night to realize your child is not home at the designated time. Imagine frantically texting and calling to locate them knowing everything that is going on with your life. Imagine believing the worst, that someone has hurt them or taken them. Imagine looking down at your phone and checking to make sure you are connected and your messages are going thru. Imagine seeing your wifi name “wine” and seeing the screen go blood red with the words “may be dangerous” below it.
I’ve heard it all. Buy a new computer. Get a new phone. Don’t give anyone the number. Call the police. Call the FBI. Document everything. Get photos. Disconnect your OnStar. Remember what I do for a living? Been there, done it. To disconnect OnStar, you also wind up disconnecting key components that make your vehicle run. FBI has a way of never calling you back. IC3 as well. Local police? He offered to call my daughter to come pick me up as it was “apparent” I was upset. Really? In spite of being followed to the police parking lot? In spite of having witnesses and photos of the individuals following me? Yep. Gotta love that thin blue wall. Let me ask you, when was the last time you saw a pay phone? Ever try to live in today’s society without all of our technological devices? Try it. Let me know how it works out for you. May the force be with you. I went off the grid to a native village of about 400 in Alaska. A place where “data” is not a word. Guess what? When I arrived technology followed.
I guess where I am going with this is this. Don’t confuse revenge with justice. Don’t believe that no contact means letting go of your personal rights as a human being in order to save your soul. Don’t let some sick bastard win and make you believe that there is nothing you can do about it. I was mistaking no contact for that. I was struggling. I now understand that there is a difference. I can go no contact and save my life without giving up my need and desire for justice. Those families in 1969 were not afraid to challenge the status quo. They were not afraid to stand up to the “experts” and say, You are wrong! I will not be afraid either. I will not sit back and accept that this son of a bitch regardless of the casing he comes wrapped in will be allowed to violate my rights as a human being, a human being living in what is supposed to be the most civilized country in the world. He has violated me enough. I will not allow “protect and serve” to allow him to violate me more. I will fight until my last breath for my God given as well as legal rights. I have more patience than you ever dreamed of you sick bastard.
“Revenge is an act of vindictiveness, justice of vindication. Justice is grounded in assumptions, conventions, and doctrines having to do with honor, fairness, and virtue. Only remember this: to seek justice is a good and noble thing, to seek revenge out of hatred is something that will devour your very soul.” ”•James Mace
With hope, faith, and light sign me
Justlikeyou
Some Sociopath Tools And Why They Work
Fantastic.
THEY seem to get away with everything. There has to be a way to get the justice we deserve.
If you get to court…use the letter above.
Bev-
Unfortunately, new laws are not enforced retroactively. But enacting a law to prevent sexual assault by false pretense or fraud will put a serious quash on this crime wave!
If we victims don’t speak up to make a difference, who will? You and everyone harmed by romance scammers can help fight for legislation to combat this crime by joining 50 Brave Women today. It’s free! Together, we can get a unified legislation passed across the country! The law has been written. We need to approach legislators to enact it. Here’s the link: http://bit.ly/2c2ocM0
It sounds like you need to retain a very knowledgeable attorney, gather every bit of evidence you have, and go to battle. Short of that, not sure what you really can do. If what you have said is true, and I believe your story, then you cannot change the situation by buying a new vehicle, new computer, and changing your #.
And if justice is what you believe it necessary, then you will need money, and a very very savvy attorney.
I love the quote regarding justice. I also feel angry that we, as a society, behave with such DIS honor toward so many downtrodden and abused people’s.
However, I don’t think consistent justice exists in our culture. Fairness is a sound and honorable concept, but it isn’t practiced. We are still living, in some ways, ‘tribally’. Meaning: In an us against them, rather uncivilized way. Each protecting their ‘own’, with little regard for those outside their immediate community. And cops are prime examples of this sociology. They are so protective of their own.
I also think our culture is in a place where appearance, trash talk, celebrity, and politics are more important than any higher virtues. People believe what is on TV, what someone ‘said’. If you have the right clothes, hair, voice, status, etc….lots of gullible people will believe you and support you.
As a result I think sociopaths are thriving in our culture. They are highly valued, sought after, admired, and otherwise worshiped. Even when it is proved that they are what they are other people still want to marry them, produce their records, give them jobs, and promote them. It baffles me.
This makes it very difficult to obtain justice.
I am so sad to hear what you have endured. And, quite frankly, I cannot imagine living through it and not knowing if it will ever cease. My heart goes out to you. He sounds like one of the most dreadful of these types. Feeling ‘trapped’ as you do must be intolerable.
I hope you can find justice. And if not justice, then some kind of peace. I hope he gets run over by a bus. And soon.
Slim
Slimone,
Your post pertains to so many ‘victims’ (I really detest the word victim, but I don’t have a better one right off the top of my head).
Trapped…intolerable…agonizing…and most importantly…NEVER.
Knowing and realizing that the abuse may NEVER end has to be managed or handled in some positive way. That is what I think one must strive for.
If we can train ourselves to somehow see the pathetic-ness in how and why SPs continue to push our buttons and the sheer idiocy of their actions that reveals exactly who and what they are, perhaps we can find some comfort in that. They are JOKES. They are laughable and losers and always will be. FOREVER. Just like the word NEVER.
I forgot to add that SPS do, in fact, seem to be thriving in the world.
I feel like I am in a nightmare at times. Trump talking out of both sides of his mouth. With two faces. It is right there for us all to see, and yet, he is THRIVING. Like a big pulsating pimple that needs to be popped.
It is almost UNREAL that there is anyone supporting him at all, when his personality disorder is so evident.
There are many more people just like him, being propped up by others, supporting their illusions.
You have to ask…how is this happening?
Hi Bev,
You know I just read ‘Fuel’, written by a narcissist. And even though it has been years since I was romantically involved with a personality disordered person, I still have to interact with my mother (who is disordered). So I continue to read new stuff and work on my personal awareness.
This book, once I got over who it was written by, added another layer of understanding for me. Made their behavior even more ‘clinical’ and understandable. It really nails why they do what they do, and HOW it is SO not about us, even though it can devastate us. Gave me even more insight into that ‘patheticness’ you write about. I agree that getting this objective perspective is helpful in finding some sense of control and relief.
And all of them are laughable losers. Most are not murderers, or overly dangerous. They are PESTS. I think it is part of the healing process when you are able to put them ‘in their place’ (in your mind….never in person!), because you understand how robotic and addicted to power they are. How emotionally and psychologically disabled they are.
I imaging dealing with the more dangerous ones makes this a bit tricky. Because you still have to be on your guard, and ever vigilant.
Pests. Too right, slimone.
I know what the SP in my life could be capable of…but I am not ‘afraid’ of him. He is a pissant….insignificant.
Here is a link that confirms exactly what you are talking about. It reduces them to what they are.
http://themindsjournal.com/how-sociopaths-think/
Here is another good article that pertains to what you are saying right now.
https://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/01/24/how-and-why-a-psychopath-pushes-your-buttons/
Bev,
I love that psychopathyawareness blog. I read her stuff from ‘cover to cover’. That woman is genius! Both these articles are great.
They really are spot on articles.
🙂
Loved your post. You are right -There are very few places to run and hide in this day in age. Especially difficult when you are dealing with a tech savvy person. Not being a tech savvy person I am not even sure all the ways they can infiltrate my phone, computer et al., much less how to protect myself from it. I am not sure what can be done. I personally post everything the spath does on our family Facebook page-everything. I don’t care how shocking it is. Being public has provided me some protection, he’s not banging down my door anymore but he could be on my phone unbeknownst to me. Everything I put on my Fb is devoid of emotions, they are things I can prove in court if necessary and I try never to add opinions- just the facts. Going public is not without its pitfalls but I’ve being doing it for nearly a year and he’s the one who has gone ‘no contact’-knowing it’s going up on Fb the next day. I feel the same frustration you do but I’m not taking the abuse privately anymore. Just when I think “it’s only Fb” I remind myself that revolutions have occurred with the help of Fb.
OMG…I love your post becomingstrong!
I, too, have a fully public fb page where I post all kinds of articles about P/SPs. It is a ‘dummy’ fb page, without my real name, but lately I have the feeling that SON knows about it. There are a few telltale signs…but what you say about going public with the abuse perhaps making or forcing the abuser to also go ‘no contact’!!! I hope that becomes true for me and SON. I hope he goes ‘no contact’ as I have.
Thank goodness for you, becominstrong.
Be careful if you get an attorney too. I was married to a psychopath attorney. I do not accept the new term of narcissist as the same as a psychopath. A narcissist simply loves himself. My sister was a loving, sweet and caring person but a narcissist. A psychopath or sociopath loves nothing, has no empathy and is a creature of evil beyond comprehension to people who have not encountered one.