Discovering the double life: For 6 years, I was sleeping next to the devil (Part 1)

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call “Nadine.”

When the mask of your Narcopath is ripped off in a split second you spend your days reeling from the shock of what you discovered. This is my story of how I took my power back and why I need to keep reminding myself it’s still in my hands.

The bad days make me forget I have the power; the good days make me grateful I do.

I’ll call him the Narc from this point forward, however I’m still unsure what his diagnosis is. He could be a sociopath/psychopath/anti social. My psychologist thinks he has a dual diagnosis of some type. He doesn’t fit any of the boxes neatly, but he is on the spectrum without a doubt.

About 4 years into the relationship I became chronically ill with CFS/ME. I’ve been unable to work since. Some people think he made me sick, I don’t know if this is true or not.

This gave him the advantage; I was too sick to stand up for myself and stopped caring so much. Preparing meals, feeding my dogs and having a shower became a priority.

He grew more resentful that I was no longer taking care of him.

He started coming up with lame excuses for not being home, sometimes all night. I had at this time been having a period of feeling physically better and I could no longer ignore it.

One night he came out of the shower very late at night and stated he was going for a beer with a mate and would not be long. He was dressed in a collared shirt.

I questioned him about this, just another lame response. He left.

I knew he was having an affair without a doubt now. I decided that I would go online and investigate as much as I could.

I had become ok with giving him privacy online and not digging around too much. Tonight, I decided no, I’m going to dig.

First Facebook, not much there except some possible candidates for being the one he was seeing in the side.

Next I had an idea. I knew he used the same username for many of the forums he used. I entered it into Google and there was about 5 pages of results.

The first few were not that interesting, but I found on the last pages a result for a website that I did not recognise. I clicked.

I find that this website is pornographic. It was his profile on this website. It was all public and the website is similar to Facebook, you can share photos and friends can comment.

Next I found he had stolen pictures of myself, my best friend and her daughter from our Facebook albums and uploaded them to his albums on this pornographic website.

He labeled the picture of my best friend “Whore.” This is the single mum that he used to help with mowing her lawn and other odd jobs.

I found a picture he had uploaded of myself and him at his best friend’s wedding, one of my favourite pictures of us together. He labeled it with the comment “Please cum all over me and wifey.”

The pictures he had uploaded from my friend’s daughter were pictures of her when she was aged around 16 years old and also included her friends, plus some unknown girls were included in the album labeled “some little cuties”.

I was floored, of course, but I was consciously trying to hold it together. I knew this was bad, but I had to know more.

I poked around this website and his profile some more. This website is at of a level of depravity I have never seen before. I’m not naive and this stuff was walking that fine line of legality in every aspect. Not just in the aspect of under 18 interests.

What I found next was the most horrifying. I was able to find a picture one of his “friends” had uploaded. It was a picture of two unknown girls aged around 12 wearing bikinis. He had written a disgusting sexualised comment underneath.

I can’t remember exactly how felt after this. I remember bits and pieces and talking to my friend on the phone, crying and screaming. My friend couldn’t understand what I saying.

I knew my world had just caved in and I had been sleeping next to the devil for almost 6 years.

I have still not fully recovered from the trauma of that night and following events. The PTSD label has been mentioned by my treating professionals. I might also mention that I have found EMDR a very helpful therapy for this trauma and the trauma of the things that occurred during the actual relationship.

The police were called that night. It’s all very blurry, but they seized all of his computers. I stayed at a friend’s house.

I received a message from Narc at 3 am asking where his iPad was. (He said he was going to be home in a couple of hours, this was about 6 hours later.)

I decided at about 4am that I needed to tell him via text what had happened and tell him to be out of the house by the morning.

It was a very difficult decision because my beautiful and most loved 3 dogs were still in the house with him. I did not know what he was capable of anymore, but decided it was safer for me to tell him via msg.

I have never heard from him again since he asked where his iPad was.

I returned to the house the next morning with my friend, hoping he had left the house. My friend and I felt sick when we saw the car in the driveway. We did not want to see him, but I was worried about my dogs. I had some pretty terrifying images in my mind about them being harmed as payback.

I also thought Narc might’ve harmed himself; I had just destroyed his life. No one knew at that point except him what the police would find on his computers.

I knocked on the door. No answer. I let myself in. No sign of him. My dogs were Ok and very happy to see me. They had been locked inside and had defecated in the house.

I started to panic as I walked down the hallway; I genuinely expected to find the Narc dead on the bed. I was ready to blame myself. He wasn’t there; I frantically searched the whole house, inside, outside everywhere. I couldn’t find him.

I ended up screaming and crying on the ground having a complete breakdown. Where was he? After I managed to calm down (not much, just enough) I realised his work bag was missing.

Next, knowing from instinct, I checked the knife set. There was one missing.

Next I noticed a picture of us both was missing from the wall. My friend called the police.

They started looking for him, due to concerns for his safety.

I packed a bag, gathered my dogs and got the hell out of Dodge.

Read Part 2