Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call, “Charlotte23.” She was married to a man for 19 years. She was devastated to learn that she married a sociopath.
Of course, I had no idea at the time. I married Tom in 2003. I had been married previously, for 15 years, and got divorced after finding out that my then-husband was cheating on me with someone he met at work. Where did he work? The World Trade Center. He was killed on 9/11/2001.
Tom came along right about that same time. I had just bought a lovely home in a beautiful neighborhood for myself and my two children. We dated for a year before getting engaged; it was another year after that before we got married.
Tom came into the marriage with nothing. No property, other than his vehicle. He had no money to speak of, terrible credit and was still paying child support for his two daughters. He explained that his divorce had “cleaned him out” and that is why his finances and his credit rating were in such bad shape. He did, however, have a decent paying job.
I had been single for 10 years at that point and I truly went into this marriage thinking that Tom was a good and decent man. I was never “head over heels” in love with him, as I didn’t hold much stock in those extreme emotions after the heartbreak of my previous marriage, however, I absolutely loved him and was sure that we could have a happy life together. I was wrong.
Maxed out credit cards
Shortly after our marriage, a collection agency found him with a $10K maxed-out credit card. That was disturbing to me. Didn’t he know he owed a credit card $10,000? If that was me, I surely would have known about that. He worked out a payment arrangement with them and paid off the debt.
No sooner did he pay that off, than a second collection agency found him with another $10K maxed-out credit card debt. He did pay this one off as well, but, as you can imagine, he was contributing exactly zero to the household expenses during this time of repayment.
Disturbing traits
The next years, I thought, were relatively happy ones. But during that time, I noticed three distinct traits in my husband that were very unsettling.
#1 — His spending was reckless and irresponsible. He did not pay his bills on time, and I got many reminder calls from banks that held loans and utility companies that payments were not being made. He often borrowed money from me. I did not know exactly how much money he even made at his job. I really didn’t think too much of his secretive ways about his earnings since we both were married before we always kept our finances completely separate.
#2 — He lied. Mostly about stupid little insignificant things. Lying for no reason at all, it seemed, as it did not appear, there was anything whatsoever to be gained by this. I mentioned it to him on more than a few occasions and he told me that he does tend to “exaggerate” at times and that is a normal “business practice” in dealing with clients and customers in his job. I can remember at least two separate occasions where I told him that I truly believed he had a “lying spirit.” He just laughed at that.
And lastly, #3 — I saw in him a tendency to find pleasure in the hardships of others. If I told him about a friend whose car broke down, he would smile and say something like, “well that’s what you get for not maintaining your vehicles.” Or if a family member suddenly received a large, unexpected bill that they were struggling to pay, he would smile and say things like, “it sucks to be them.”
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
Also, when my investment portfolio had an especially bad month and lost money, he was smug and satisfied about that; and when it did well, he was clearly annoyed and was vocal about it. (I then started hiding my financial documents.) I could see that he got “enjoyment” when hearing about the struggles and misfortunes of others.
The only family he has is two daughters, a mother, a sister, a niece and nephew. Other than sporadically answering the phone if his mother called, he has zero relationship and no contact with any member of his family even though they live close by.
Early retirement
Fast forward to 2015, when Tom took an “early retirement’ from his job. He told me that his company was phasing out his department and if he did not take this retirement package, he would be out of work and lose out on the deal they were offering.
After this, Tom had several different jobs as a consultant for various companies, which for reason after reason never seemed to “work out” for him. At least two of which told him that they no longer needed his services.
Tom was out of work for 2017, 2018 and into 2019. He spent his entire pension (over $100K) that he took as a lump sum in that early retirement package. He spent the savings bonds his mother had been collecting for him and $69K that he received from an uncle who passed away.
I was working at the time, and I would get up and go to work each morning while he was home in bed sleeping. He told me that he could not find a job, and that older white men were the most discriminated group there was. For nearly three years he was unemployed. In July of 2019 he finally found employment. I truly thought this was an answer to prayer. It was a good paying job, and he was back in the workforce!
Hated his job
In very short order Tom said that he hated that job. He said it was the most difficult job he ever had in all his life, and he was too old for this. He was away all the time. Although he basically worked from home, he was never available. He was on the phone for 8-9 hours a day.
I tried to be supportive and understanding but as the first year and a half passed, Tom was ignoring me and our marriage more and more. It seemed to me like we no longer even had a “marriage” and I was forced to live my life without him in it. I went to weddings and family gatherings alone. I vacationed alone and spent my holidays with my children and grandchildren.
Tom spent approximately 15 nights away from home each month. For over 3 years he was not home on weekends, and had no time off, no sick time, no vacations and no holidays. Not Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, New Years Day, Thanksgiving, etc.
He told me that he had to work as he was the project manager and that projects did not stop because it was a holiday. He had to be there with his team of workers. I tried talking to him about it many times. I tried telling him the damage that was being done to our relationship and how I was feeling. I could see our marriage slipping away before my eyes. I didn’t know what to do.
Talking about suicide
He was angry and moody when he was at home. To gain my sympathy and diffuse my anger at the work situation, he often would talk of suicide, and told me that the only reason he did not go through with it was because he loved me so much and did not want me to find his body.
My head was spinning. He would always say that he loved me, but his actions said something entirely different. No one could possibly have to work that much, yet he insisted he had no choice, and they would fire him if he didn’t put in all those hours.
I was questioning my own reality and judgment. He was lying more and more; I was sure of it, but I had no real proof. He was borrowing money from me. Sometimes $10K at a time. He always had a “fantastic” story as to why he could not pay me back when he promised he would. He would lie and then lie again to get out of the first lie. It was a vicious cycle, and I was truly at the end of my rope.
Learning the truth
Then on October 11, 2022, I found out for a fact that Tom was cheating. For some reason I was completely shocked by this, though my close family was definitely not. I confronted him, and, of course, he denied it. He doesn’t know this person, he can explain. And the lies just kept on coming.
He finally admitted that he did know Barbara and that he met her on a conference call through work. He swore that the relationship was not physical, and he did not so much as even hold her hand. He never went to her house, and when I asked if she had ever been here, he said, absolutely not.
Tom said that it was only going on for about 3 weeks, he was feeling “lonely,” and he reached out to her. He was extremely apologetic and pleaded with me for forgiveness. I believe he may even have shed a tear.
We should divorce
I told him several weeks later that I thought we needed to divorce. Tom pleaded with me to reconsider. He loved me. We are so good together. He made a horrible mistake. Did I ever make a mistake? He can “fix this.” He will do “whatever it takes.” If I give him another chance, he promises he will not “blow it” this time. He is no longer in any contact with Barbara. And on and on and on.
About a month later, seeing absolutely no change taking place in Tom’s behavior or demeanor, I again, in November 2022 told him that I think we should divorce. Again, he pleaded with me and begged me to forgive him even though he did something unforgiveable. He even gave me a website that he had found helpful called Marriage Helper.
Because we had been together for 21 years and he truly seemed sorry, I was considering “trying” to work things out. Here I was 66 years old, and I was with a second husband who had betrayed me. I asked him again if Barbara had ever been to the house, since my gut instinct always told me otherwise.
He looked me directly in the eye and without wavering said, “What kind of a person do you think I am? I would never do something like that! I have a heart! I have a conscience! I can’t even believe you would ask me that! I am not the “monster” that you think I am!”
A call from the other woman
Fast forward again to February 8, 2023. That afternoon I got a phone call from Barbara. Her voice was cracking, and she told me that this was the hardest phone call she had ever had to make in her life and asked me if I was married to Tom. I told her that I was and asked her how long she had been seeing my husband.
She told me that she was 65 years old, and they had been together for 3 years. He told her that he had been divorced for 6 years when they met. Tom made up an elaborate story telling her that I had cheated on him with a doctor, which is why we got divorced.
I also found out where he was spending all those holidays that he was not at home with me. There was no work. There were no “projects;” he was with Barbara and her family celebrating each holiday.
Getting married
Not only that, but according to Barbara they were now engaged to be married! He bought her an engagement ring, and he purchased matching wedding bands. He bought them matching bracelets and she was moving with him. She told me that Tom even went to her 88-year-old father and asked him for her hand in marriage.
I asked her where they met. On a Singles Dating Site, and she was not the first person he dated on the site. Tom was literally trolling for vulnerable older women on a dating site for the sole purpose of lying and deceiving them for his own personal gain.
Yes, she stayed at my house
I then asked her if she had ever been to the house. Yes, she spent 2 weekends at my house, (while I was away in Florida visiting my son and brand-new granddaughter) and they slept in my bed.
Also, at one point in their relationship, Tom told her that the house I bought before we got married was owned by both of us, that he bought me out of my share, and that he sold the house. He even created a fake real estate settlement contract with my address and his name as the sole seller and a fictious name as the buyer, and how much he got for the house, to show her as proof. His substantial investment portfolio he spoke to her about was nonexistent.
She was so sad and heartbroken that I truly felt sorry for her. She called me because his “stories” were not making sense to her, and she wanted to know the truth. Everything he had told her was a lie and she believed it all; just as I believed him.
Changed the locks
That night, February 8, 2023, after that phone call, I didn’t even know what to do. Tom had not been home, which was typical. He was “away on business” he told me. The truth was that he was in a hotel room with Barbara. I immediately had the locks changed. That very day.
Tom did not even attempt to come home until 5 days later and was very surprised to find that he could not get into the house. He was furious, in fact. I was spending the weekend at my daughter’s house, and he sent me texts (which I ignored) telling me that it was illegal to do this, even though the house is in my name. He told me that he was within his rights to gain entry to the house by “whatever” means necessary.
Several days later he mentioned in text messages things that I had said in the privacy of my own home and told me who it was that had been to the house to change the locks. Tom was watching and listening, and he wanted me to know it. I immediately unplugged all my Amazon Alexa devices and covered up all the security cameras around the property.
Suddenly frightened
Suddenly, I was truly frightened of this man who was my husband for 19 years. Tom’s behavior was so disturbing and bizarre that I feared for my safety, not knowing what he was capable of. What was he going to do? He was engaged to another woman and married to me at the same time. What did that make me? Someone to be eliminated?
I filed for and obtained a temporary Protection from Abuse order from the court. Unfortunately, when we both showed up for the hearing, in the hopes of making this order permanent, the judge dismissed the case. With no physical abuse or threat of physical abuse, there was nothing that could be done.
Psychological, Mental and Emotional abuse is not even taken into consideration in these cases, neither was Tom’s irrational and unstable behavior. Tom was very smug with the judge’s decision and felt that this was a “victory” of some sort for him.
The fact that he was living a double life for at least three years (probably much longer) and was lying and deceiving both Barbara and me did not seem to matter.
Junk mail
Also, during this time, I began receiving mail to my address with a different woman’s name on it. All “junk mail,” but still, this was very suspicious.
I have since found out that the woman on the mail is yet another woman that he is seeing and has been for over a year. She also is 65 years old and has been to my house (and bed) as well. Tom told her that he had been a widower for five years and was financially well off when he met her on a different dating site. I can’t even imagine the elaborate tale he came up with to substantiate this new story.
Filed for divorce
Needless to say, I have filed for divorce. I am certain that there are probably more women, and more lies, plots and schemes that I do not even know about. And unless this knowledge would help me in my divorce proceedings, I have no desire to know. I have heard enough.
It frightens me that I shared my life, my house and my bed with this man for all those years. Clearly, I didn’t know him at all. I trusted him, as a wife should be able to. And he betrayed and deceived me.
Thrown out
I have since found out that Barbara threw him out along with his belongings. Her heart is broken. I can only hope that when my daughter found the second woman on Facebook and shared information about Tom with her, that she, too, threw him out.
He is a predator in every sense of the word. I had never heard the term “gaslighting” before this situation. But that is exactly what he did to me for years. Lying, scheming, planning, manipulating, plotting, deceiving, and intimidating. He had me questioning my sanity, my good judgment and my gut instincts.
After all he had done, he was furious that I changed the locks and one evening sent me a text message giving me literally five minutes notice, before cancelling both my cell phone and land line, leaving me with no communication at all.
Left me with bills
Currently I have no idea where Tom even is. Or if he is in the state at all. He has paid me zero support and left me with unpaid debt and past due bills. He owes me $12,000 that I lent him for dental work in October 2022 just before all this came to light, and he’s made no attempt to even begin to pay that back.
Tom, at nearly 69 years old, has absolutely no remorse for his actions or the chaos and destruction that he caused me and his other unsuspecting targets. He has no empathy for the pain he has inflicted. He has an air of superiority and arrogance. Entitlement and egocentricity. He has been playing the “victim” since I locked him out, he is now “homeless” and living in his truck, he told me in an email.
Of course, I don’t believe a word he says. Why didn’t he want a divorce when I mentioned it on two separate occasions? Because he wasn’t “done” with me yet. That is the only thing that makes any sense at all. Perhaps there was something more that he wanted. Something more to be gained. A place to live, maybe. More money that he had no intention of paying back?
And now here I am. 66 years old trying to straighten out the mess that he has made. Attempting to get my bills under control and on track. Praying that he is not entitled to anything more from me, in the way of my finances or part of the value of my house when I go to sell it.
The damage caused by a sociopath
I married a sociopath. This is what a sociopath is. This is the damage that they cause, and believe it or not, I am still better off than many others who have dealt with this type of dangerous individual. This is just a glimpse of the chaos and destruction they leave in their wake.
He was lying when he told me that he has a heart and a conscience, as he truly has neither. I did not even realize that was possible.
I currently have not seen him since our court hearing, and each day that goes by, with no contact from him, is a blessing. I am not lonely. Being without him is far better and safer than being with him. Any feelings that I have ever had for Tom are long gone. My goal now is simply to get him out of my life entirely and never lay eyes on him again.
I have family and friends
I have a network of family and friends who I can count on, who love me and are supportive and encouraging. I have children and grandchildren who welcome me into their homes with open arms. I have a church family where I go for spiritual guidance and encouragement. I have my faith in God, knowing that He will never leave me nor forsake me. And since HE brought me to this situation, HE most certainly will bring me through it.
Tom has exactly none of those things. He will never have an honest loving relationship or family, because he is not capable of either.
Sociopaths cannot love in the sense that most people define the word. They are all about self and personal gain and gratification. They will do whatever it takes to achieve their goals no matter who they hurt along the way, and they are okay with that.
No change is possible
His reckless and irresponsible spending will continue, and he will never be financially secure no matter how much money he earns. I am not through with this divorce yet, in fact it has only just begun, and I pray to come out of this with the least amount of financial and emotional damage possible. Tom has already taken too much.
He seems to stop “just short” of committing an actual crime. But perhaps his future is not so sure. He just may step over that line yet.
There is no help for him. No change is possible. He will simply move on to the next target. I wish I could warn them all.
Here’s the worst lie a partner can tell you and what to do about it
So sorry this happened to you Charlotte. Your inspirational words of wisdom and encouragement give hope to all of us who have been targeted by these predators. Your experience lends further proof to the fact that their sick behavior does NOT decrease with age according to Donna’s research.