Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
This is the second in a series of 6 postings on spiritual healing that will attempt to Make Sense of these encounters with sociopaths and present the process that literally turns these painful experiences into Miracles of Healing.
“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance – that principle is contempt prior to investigation”
-Herbert Spencer-
The Bridge of Hope
Forgive is one of the most misunderstood words in the English language. In fact, many people recoil at the very thought of forgiving someone that they believe has harmed them. The act of forgiveness does not release the perpetrator or sociopath from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiveness is about Letting Go, a process that releases US from another’s destructive hold over our lives.
Refusing to be open-minded about the “possible” healing power of forgiveness only strengthens the sociopaths hold over our lives and poisons every relationship that we are in.
Based on previous experience, some will find this particular reading extremely difficult to accept and understand, but open-mindedness is all that is needed to learn the Truth.
Many of us understand why forgiveness is important and the profound affects that it can have on our lives and the lives of those around us, but few know how to do it. Most, however, know very little about the sometimes devastating physical illnesses and damaged relationships that are caused by our inability to let go of the past.
For most of us, the real meaning and power of forgiveness (letting go) is completely foreign. We “think” we know, but we do not. True forgiveness is Divine. Grace is promised to us all from our Creator.
If we are to begin to understand the miraculous healing power of forgiveness, we must first be willing to at least entertain this idea that our creator can help us with this process. A simple willingness to believe is all that’s needed to begin.
God is either everything, or he is nothing. This is the question that we all must answer for ourselves. For many, this step becomes the first real attempt to answer the question of God within themselves. You will not need anyone else’s opinion of God for this exercise, only an open mind and willing heart. He will do the rest if you ask, and then you will know.
We often use our very denial of God as proof that He does not exist. We have little or no real Faith in God’s power, then, we use our experience to convince ourselves he does not exist. Or worse yet, that He does exist, but doesn’t care about “me”.
Wherever there is despair, depression, anger, resentment, and fear, you will find a lack of Faith. We are not talking about the surface Faith that pretends to believe in God, but the deep peace that comes from trusting God. Faithlessness is not the result of these human difficulties, but rather the cause.
The Truth is in us, and when we hear it, we recognize it as Truth. We may choose to deny Truth, but our hearts will always know. This process helps us begin to trust this inner Devine wisdom and allows us to be guided through the healing process that results in a relationship with God that we never imagined possible.
Seek and You Shall Find, Ask and It Shall be Given You, is one of the promises. God will never deny us Truth, but if we avoid asking the question, we can deny the answer.
Freedom from the past requires that we first surrender to what already is. Then, we must become willing to acknowledge that there is a power greater than ourselves that can free us from this suffering.
This can be a difficult task for those of us that believe God has “allowed” a sociopath to harm us. If we are refusing to let go of something and judging it as wrong, while claiming to believe in God, then we are conflicted, and in most cases, secretly blaming Him for whatever we think has harmed us.
For most of us, we must first recognize that we have begun to view God as the enemy, before we can become willing to see Him as the answer to the problems that we “thought” He was causing.
This is a question for quiet prayer and meditation. A willingness to do this will give you the answer to this question. An unwillingness to try this exercise will also answer the question prior to asking. The Truth will always be revealed when we ask. Failure to ask is simply a reflection of unwillingness to seek Truth.
If you are not yet convinced, you may want to sit quietly and ask God in prayer if He loves you, and if he will help you with this process before moving on.
Find a place where you can be alone uninterrupted for a few minutes. If possible, find a place outdoors that is peaceful and quiet, or, try to imagine a beautiful, lush green garden surrounded by trees. Sit peacefully in the middle of the Garden. Try to quiet your mind by focusing on your breathing. Ask God for help as you take nice, long, deep controlled breathes through your nose deep into your body while you attempt to clear your thoughts.
Ask this question or one similar.
“Father, do you love me and are you here to help me overcome my difficulties?”
Sit as quietly and as long as you possibly can, or until the answer is felt to your satisfaction. This may only take a few minutes, or it may take longer. When your mind wanders, simply ask the question again.
Next week we’ll discuss how to begin to Trust this new relationship and process.
Travis, thank you for pointing towards the light. This is what I needed to hear just now. Your first article also helped me with the idea of surrendering to what I can not change, ever, in any way, that I am indeed simply powerless over what happened while growing up with my Borderline sociopathic unloving and angry father.
I am jobless at the moment, speaking with my parents (always on speakerphone these days), my dad brushes off my struggle, no empathy and just announces yeah you need a job. In an instant, all my childhood hurt surfaces, the trigger is still there. I had let my guard down, I became the victim again.
We have the choice to turn to God. We have the gift of the choice to let go, surrender, forgive and detach from our past. Your story is a miracle and I am grateful I am able to find such inspiring words now, when I need them most.
The news of my recent encounter with the female S. was shared here earlier at Lovefraud. After this “escape” and the recent job loss (an “escape” from a hostile S. boss) I am still working to pick myself up and not fall into my old patterns. I know what these are. I know I am lost if I become isolated, NOT just from others who can and will love me but much more importantly FROM GOD, from my faith and from my heart.
Oh how difficult it has been to talk with God and ask the question you are placing in front of us. (I didn’t realize until recently I had held things against God, and denied Him the chance to work through me). I believe you are right, indeed, we do not know the purpose and will of God.
Instead, we can choose to let go of our fear, distrust, hurt and sit quietly and face ourselves up to this Higher Power and return to the faith and love we might have had once as innocent children of God, for underneath all this, that is exactly what we are. We are embraced, we are loved, we are valued and we have purpose. These other dark experiences should not keep us from knowing and experiencing this. Thank you again for the sign post you have planted here and the love in which you have surrendered this.
PressEject
Travis,
I guess I have a lot of difficulty with God these days. I asked him to send me the man he wanted me to have and I got the Bad Man. The Bad Man was a former Minister. At one point, early in the relationship, I actually thought that our meeting was set up by divine intervention (and maybe it was)… but these days, I don’t ask God for anything.
I have been struggling with hope for years now. Hope is not safe for me. So, I don’t hope for anything. I only plan and follow plans but hopes and dreams have never been recovered post Bad Man.
Looking back, I made such a spectacular face plant for a total fake “man of my dreams” that it is hard for me to take seriously any notion of love. I am love averse. I hate love songs, any representations of love, weddings, people living their dreams… I just can’t go there.. perhaps ever again. It’s going on 7 years and I really don’t date or put myself out there.
And God? No, I don’t even know what to talk to God about. I don’t talk to him anymore.
I know I can be upbeat and funny sometimes but underneath it all, is no hope. I am getting close to a goal… finishing Grad School in May.. but I have felt sadness creeping in. Once I am no longer buried in books, I will have to admitt that there is nothing but a degree and some broken dreams.
Anyway, not having a good day here, I guess. I am just writer to space…………
Aloha
The best conversations that I have ever had with God are those that were not planned. In fact, the most helpful were when I cussed, yelled, and accused Him of abandoning me. For me, healing began when I started to get honest about how I felt. I was unable to do that until I thought maybe, just maybe, there was someone or something there to hear me. I was so mad that I challenged Him to show Himself.
When I cried out and did not “tell Him” how to fix it, just asked that He show me…He did. The first step is to recognize that I am not God and do not have all the answers. This is true humility and an Invitation for Divine Wisdom.
The answers were greater than anything I could have imagined. Now, I know why it’s best for me not to tell HIM the answer before I ask the question. I do not know how to project the unimaginable and today the unimaginable is what I seek. When I do that, Miracles appear. Go figure!
I do have a problem with my relationship with God due to being raised and tortured by a female Sociopath (suppose to be my mother maybe not biological).
How many times was I put in situations were I thought I was going to suffocate to death? When I was a young child she pushed me into a refrigerator and closed the door because she couldn’t stand the fact that I look like my biological father or as a way of punishment forced me into her husband’s Navy trunk as a way of punishment because I had found out a lie she was convincing everyone was the truth (gee I had a knack for stumbling into the truths she so diabolically was hiding). I hadn’t even known then what I had discovered at those times were proofs she was lying. Or one time when she held me under water while I was taking a bath as she proceeded to tell me because I told her a strange women who was hurling threats at me during a bike ride which scared the crap out of me (Must of been the age 7 or 8 years old ) so she tells me my father killed the woman (no he hadn’t).
This is only some of the horrors (believe you don’t want to know what else she had done) I was forced to endure and have open wounds to this very day over.
I walk right into abuse relationships within the work place and my own personal relationships.
I’m tired and sometimes believe I must have been an evil person in my other life however; therapist tells me no because if I was bad then these very sick illegal acts that were done to me would have forced me into a sociopath and I’m not (cursed with empathy for others).
Yes I pray for God’s help in my relationship with him and to help me heal. I want a peaceful life and have been working on deprogramming from the curse this woman has put on me. Sorry but I hope she goes to hell.
Do have to comment that the hard work I have done with a therapist (treats PTSD). I have now learned some of the very fundamental ques and skills to deal with sociopaths and bullies. Just fought my way out of a dating relationship that immediately became verbally abusive this guy also liked playing games with reality too. I just for some reason attract these nut cases to me.
It is God who kept me sane and to not give up through suicide. God knows of the sick secrets I had kept close and dissociated from just to survive my daily existence with the Sociopath while I was trying to exist within my childhood years.
I also believe that God’s hand is in the healing process of my memory returning and also aiding me to get out of abusive relationships and the strength to not go back to it.
I had and have to still learn to love myself and believe worthy. I have to believe these people are not the norm but part of sick side of our race.
In time health professional will be able to locate the gene that is involved to create a psychopath.
I do believe God has a plan for them when these evil sick individuals do get judged by the True Judge. I first as a child cried out to God for help and of utter confusion and as my memory was allowed to return I cried justice so many times. Learning that God believes and saw all that had taken place and she cannot charm or lie her way out of her court appearance with God.
to ‘Raised by sociopath’. thanks for sharing, it helps me to heal.
not to speak about God, I think about other people – why did not anyone come to help me in this long years -are they all so blind? or they are evil, too? Do they experience pleasure of observing how one is suffering? How can I trust them now?
marcyII says:
i just told myself when i was going through the abuse he did to me that god was testing me to see how strong i was. and that it was for a good reason. and he would reveal why he tested me so hard, eventually.
Amen sister! God will never give us more than we can handle – even if we don’t believe or feel that we are strong enough to get through and let go – God knows we are. Trust in Him. Then Thank Him for believing in you.
BTW-
I’m sorry – I also wanted to tell Travis that this was beautifully written. Thank you so much! And once again, will look forward to your next post.
Blessings!
Raised –
I am so sorry to hear about how you were raised. I know that doesn’t take things away, but still my heart goes out to you.
I can thoroughly understand how you could question the existance of God and even the forgiving/letting go.
But please remember that not everyone is like that – you just got the short ended stick when they drew. And also remember that all that happened did not happen overnight and so the healing will take time as well – please be patient with yourself.
I’m also glad to hear that you are in therapy, and I hope that through time this will help you.
You are in a safe place here –
I reallly pray you can come to understand the plan for you on your journey – INMHO I think it means that you actually one of the stronger ones if you can still comprehend what has happened to you, and understand that you need help getting past it.
For that – I think you deserve a big TOWANDA!