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By December 11, 2007 Read More →

A common verbal ploy of the psychopath

This is my first post on the LoveFraud blog. It’s a great pleasure to be part of this most worthwhile effort to teach people to recognise and avoid sociopaths. (Or psychopaths, as I prefer.)

Over at my blog – the top two inches – I have been thinking and writing about something that psychopaths invariably do to deflect things away from themselves and onto others.

Perhaps you’ve encountered it: the psychopath does something wrong, but the moment attention is drawn to this he (usually it’s he) magically causes you to feel bad.

Here are a few examples:
1. The wifebeater says: “Why are you making me do this!?”
Consequently she may think: “It’s true, I shouldn’t do X [usually something insignificant] because it makes him upset.” Do you see? Suddenly she’s the baddie.

2. “Shut up. At least I’m not as bad as OJ [or someone heinous]”.
In other words, You don’t appreciate me; you should be grateful, but instead you get upset about what I do. You, you, you (not me).

3. She (sometimes psychopaths are women) says: “Why are you so mad with me about this? Of all the things I’ve done before this doesn’t even make the Top 10!”
In other words, Hey, I’m actually improving; you’re the bad one for noticing that I’ve done something bad.

You get the picture. The moving stories by readers of LoveFraud cite many instances of this kind of misdirection.

The best technical term I’ve encountered for this mode of discourse favoured by the psychopath is paramoralism. It was coined by the scholar Andrew M. Lobaczewski

Here’s my definition:

A paramoralism is a psuedo-moral statement. It is stated in moral-like terms but with precisely the opposite intent and effect: to get what he wants and to bamboozle the other person into being unable to use their normal means of knowing right and wrong.

Keep an eye out for paramoralisms. Not because everyone who uses a paramoralism is a psychopath, of course. But I believe that we can develop our abilities to identify when someone is cleverly turning defence into attack in this way, and thus we can resist accepting moral blame that does not belong to us.

Let me know of any that paramoralisms that particularly strike you and I may write about them.

Good to be on board!


It is NOT you AGAINST the Christians…why make it into that? I posted on paramoralism…

this blog is getting to hostile and meanspirited for me…

All the best on your healing journey…

Grace63:

Yes,yes you did follow your post addressing me with a post on paramoralism.

I never said it was me against the Christians, to me, it seemed it was the Christians against me. My religious beliefs should have never been prodded towards Christianity by another blogger. It is rude and presumptuous.

My mother always said there are 3 things you don’t tell people what to do, or to believe; Religion, politics and how to raise their children. because it is rude and presumptuous – get it? That is exactly what I started out saying…it is very sad I have had to go to such great detail to defend the word “Agnostic”, and the fact that I was offended by someone preaching “the Good word” to me.

One thing I am very trained to do, is hold firm on a subject, not get derailed. I had to as a survival technique; this is why I address the previous post, that is actually ADDRESSED TO me, provide my opinion, to which I am also entitled, and close my post by asking for the remaining bloggers to stay on topic.

Grace63:

Yes,yes you did follow your post addressing me with a post on paramoralism.

I never said it was me against the Christians, to me, it seemed it was the Christians against me. My religious beliefs should have never been prodded towards Christianity by another blogger. It is rude and presumptuous.

My mother always said there are 3 things I shouldnt discuss with people on what to do, or to believe; Religion, politics and how to raise their children. because it is rude and presumptuous – get it? That is exactly what I started out saying…That I considered the rant about how APT/MGR “hopes I find God” is Rude and Presumptuous. it is very sad I have had to go to such great detail to defend the word “Agnostic”, and the fact that I was offended by someone preaching “the Good word” to me.

How is it mean spirited? Because I do not follow Christianity? I am Agnostic, not Atheist. Anyone who is not familiar with the difference,Go to dictionary.com and get up to speed. Is it recognized that the majority of the wars that this Earth has experienced have been initiated due to religious idolism. The United States is at war right now because of Ala….Our young men are dying over another countries radicalism(our government would have us believe) and the destruction that radicalism brought to our country in 2001. It is not mean spirited. It is based in harsh realities. It is not an attack on anyone, it is an eye-opener that stirs repressed anger within, because what I have said is factual, it is the truth, it is proven. It DOES shake a persons faith. But it is not meant in a mean spirit, not at all. Grace63 should reread the post from APT/MGR and have it speak at you, to you like I received it, because it was ADDRESSED to me – and as she spoke, she used the word YOU, yourself, us, we about 70 times. If she wanted to talk about herself she should have used the word ‘I’ more often.

I am not trying to sway any reader into a disbelief. Any Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, can believe exactly what they wish. I will not stand in front of a store, go on TV, stand on a corner, at an airport or knock on a front door trying to coerce anyone to share my beliefs. (see how that paragraph was set up?)

One thing I am very trained to do, is hold firm on a subject, not get derailed. I had to as a survival technique; this is why I address the previous post, that is actually ADDRESSED TO me, provide my opinion, to which I am also entitled, and close my post by asking for the remaining bloggers to stay on topic. Sociopaths specialize in derailing a subject, by useing Paramoralisms, survivers learn to “out-wit” this trick until they find the strength to leave.

I feel victimized just reading righteous woman’s posts. You make my chest feel as heavy as dealing with my sociopath. Anger, defense, accusing apt/mngr of rambling, victimizing, forcing, – somehow you yourself have turned this positive learning page into something cold and off topic. My mother always told me “when you are loving and kind, kind and loving people attract into your life. When you are angry, jealous or meanspirited, you attract that which you spew into the world.” And that doesnt even have the word God in it. Get over yourself (self-righteous woman).
Sorry to be so blunt but I’ve read just about enough of your spewing. All the best to you, I’m moving on to a healthier blog.

More attacks – interesting. Good luck on your long road thru recovery, I didn’t know a lack of empathy for another persons feelings and beliefs was catchy. And I am not Paramoralising – you put it in black and white.

Righteous Woman,

I read all the posts. What I see is you attacking and going off topic talking about religions of the world, war, your “proven” facts, blah blah. While you might not agree with the Apt/Mgr, I find the spirit of your posts more upsetting. Honestly, I left the discussion on DDHG because several people were attacking eachother and it was unproductive. And having to constantly defend ourselves against constant attacks on our character, thoughts, intentions… well, that sounds familiar, now doesn’t it?

It sounds like you want to be heard. You don’t want anyone to talk to “You” about their beliefs and yet, I see a whole lot of yours here and all with the label “fact.”

I admit, I really do not like hearing religious stuff on here. This is not the place and I caution people who want to pray for their sociopath. If you want to pray for people, go right ahead. But let us be careful that we do not influence/misguide someone that is still with a Sociopath, and no doubt in a state of deep fog and confusion, to consider staying and praying for the “healing” of a Sociopath. This could be potentially a very dangerous idea for someone still with a Sociopath. If you are with a Sociopath, you must leave, take care of yourself, and if you have any energy left, go ahead and pray for anyone one you want but stay out of contact with the Sociopath.

I hope that we can all offer support here to eachother and that the spirit doesn’t turn sour. I also hope that we can be extra careful to be respectful to all people as I am sure that many have been through a lot of trauma already and this should be a safe haven for us all… even you, dear Righteous Woman.

To all Lovefraud readers,

This is a place of sharing and healing. Please honor that. I’m ending discussion on this topic.

Donna

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