This is my first post on the LoveFraud blog. It’s a great pleasure to be part of this most worthwhile effort to teach people to recognise and avoid sociopaths. (Or psychopaths, as I prefer.)
Over at my blog – the top two inches – I have been thinking and writing about something that psychopaths invariably do to deflect things away from themselves and onto others.
Perhaps you’ve encountered it: the psychopath does something wrong, but the moment attention is drawn to this he (usually it’s he) magically causes you to feel bad.
Here are a few examples:
1. The wifebeater says: “Why are you making me do this!?”
Consequently she may think: “It’s true, I shouldn’t do X [usually something insignificant] because it makes him upset.” Do you see? Suddenly she’s the baddie.
2. “Shut up. At least I’m not as bad as OJ [or someone heinous]”.
In other words, You don’t appreciate me; you should be grateful, but instead you get upset about what I do. You, you, you (not me).
3. She (sometimes psychopaths are women) says: “Why are you so mad with me about this? Of all the things I’ve done before this doesn’t even make the Top 10!”
In other words, Hey, I’m actually improving; you’re the bad one for noticing that I’ve done something bad.
You get the picture. The moving stories by readers of LoveFraud cite many instances of this kind of misdirection.
The best technical term I’ve encountered for this mode of discourse favoured by the psychopath is paramoralism. It was coined by the scholar Andrew M. Lobaczewski
Here’s my definition:
A paramoralism is a psuedo-moral statement. It is stated in moral-like terms but with precisely the opposite intent and effect: to get what he wants and to bamboozle the other person into being unable to use their normal means of knowing right and wrong.
Keep an eye out for paramoralisms. Not because everyone who uses a paramoralism is a psychopath, of course. But I believe that we can develop our abilities to identify when someone is cleverly turning defence into attack in this way, and thus we can resist accepting moral blame that does not belong to us.
Let me know of any that paramoralisms that particularly strike you and I may write about them.
Good to be on board!
I am new to the site as far as posting a story, but have been reading the blog for about a month and a half.
Brief history: I met the sociopath when I was 16, I had “daddy issues”, a mother that worked too much, etc. After 4 years, I had a child who will be 18 in may. Child support was established in the ’90s and after two years of not paying he was brought up on contempt charges. He begged for custody of his son, got a two bedroom apartment (the second bedroom got turned into a junk room, not a bedroom for my son) and swore he could raise his son. As victims, we seem to suffer endlessly from hope (it was the last thing out of Pandora’s box you know)I gave in and gave him half custody. 6-months later he was living with various women, and said he could not take care of his son as he promised. He paid me arrears for the time he was on probation from the contempt charge, but because I had given him half custody, I had no current support order, and when his probation was over, he refused to pay. I took him back to court for a new support order, and now he has been charged with contempt again.
I know, I get it loud and clear, no contact. I had blocked him from text messaging both myself and my son(who is aware his father is a sociopath), but today, he got through to us on myspace.
I feel empowered and strong, what he says and does is laughable at this point. How do we know when he is lying? when his lips are moving or he is trying to communicate with us…Now I know these sorry ass men (people) have no concept of morality, nor do they ever take responsibility for their actions (with the exception to admit they have done some wrongs but that WE – the victims, blow the situation way up, therefore, we are crazy – yes crazy for dealing with them) but, upon communicating with him, I always try to get him to see reason, do the right thing, acknowledge that he abandoned his son (the sociopath said for the last 6 years that if his son loved HIM and wanted to be with him, that his son would have to request his presence, so that the sociopath could SEE that his son loves HIM).
So, tonight turned into him begging and pleading about the court contempt charges. He attempted to coerce me telling me he missed me, missed his son, loved hanging out with us, if I would only drop this he would give up everything and be with us…Are you laughing and rolling on the floor yet..I was.
Well of course this conversation tonight turned into paramoralism. He sent me messages that I was evil, I was the devil, I turned his son against him, then it turned into this:
“Satan, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus!Spirit of confusion and discord I Rebuke you!Lord protect my son from the evil that encamps around his heart and mind”
“Satan is a liar and the author of confusion! God will deal with you for touching the innocent. I believe that”
“I pray the father will reveal himself to you and scare the hell out of you. I pray the evil, unclean spirit in you reveal himself to you”
“God knows my heart, I must reap what I sew,Oh!but so shall you my friend! GOD IS REAL You will see! He will deal with you! Not me, I give you to god and all your pain”
“Father God, I rebuke the spirit of misery in [my childs mothers] Heart, Remove it and replace it with a spirit of love! In Jesus name! Do the same for my son Father”
Yes, he prayed for me – in e-mail. (because I refused to call him, he asked me like three or four times to call)
My sons father is the child of recovering drug addicted woman who claims to be a pentecostal minister(now). She opens little rink-i-dink churches so she can get tithing’s. (Can you say tax free money?) She damned me when I wouldn’t give her money to pay her rent. When my son was 4, She invited my son and I to a Bar-b-que at her “church” and then charged me 5 bucks a plate (I refused to pay of course). She has been married 5 times, draining each man dry. She is a sociopath, and every day I fear I will discover my son also has the disorder. Some of the things he says, his rationales, frighten me in his dealings with people. But he does not have any pre-emptive signs, and so far, seems to posses appropriate affect and empathy, but I have been fooled before.
The only time my sons father goes to church is when he is pursuing a woman he wants something from. When he gets her, he stops going. He prays over his food, but he steals, lies, is promiscuous and has cast his child(ren) aside.
As we sent mail back and forth tonight, it was like he was running out of ways to manipulate me. So he dug down…or reached up to God….But I am an agnostic. See what he did there? It didn’t work, only made me smile and laugh at his futility. What he doesn’t know, is the reason for my agnostic belief is I have met only 1 out of 100 people who are not complete hypocrites, such as himself, and his mother.
It has been a while since he and I were together as a “couple”. But he keeps trying to see if my compassion for him is still there..It is just not…And reading this blog has been great for me, because I am damaged and he effected my entire life. But I am stronger, and I am almost to the point where there wont be any communication. I am planning on moving away next year, starting my own business, enrolled my son in college, and will take my first stab at leading a normal life. He only lives 4 miles from me now and drops in every now and then trying his old games. I have never known an adult life without him, but time is setting me free.
righteous woman,
I would hope that you will be able to come the that place in your life where God is real to you. I spent so many years of my life looking for God in people, only to be disappointed. I’ve discovered Him for myself. He says to seek Him while He may be found. He will allow us to find Him. He just wants to know if our seeking is in earnest. It’s much easier for me to believe in Him and His Son, than to believe in people. But God doesn’t want us to rely on mere human beings. And those who are fanatical, aren’t a good representative of Christ. When you read the accounts of Christ’s character, then you look for that in others, you will be able to discern for yourself who is real. We watch the fruit of their life. The fruit is their action and how they conduct their life.
People who live a duplicitous life aren’t living for God. He is a God of order and not confusion and chaos. That is Satan. When they are going around casting out demons, they are playacting. They can’t look upon another’s heart. We can know what’s in a person’s heart by what they say and how they act, but we have to be around them to discern that. To a lot of people, they get a little bit of God and they think they are God. We are to be Christ-like and adopt His character, but we can’t become Him. I stay away from those radical individuals, who try to recreate the scriptures, and think they are God.
That’s one of the reasons it was so difficult in my own marriage. We were this Christian family to the outsiders and the people in the church, but at home it was altogether different. Nothing like you went through, but a very lonely, hopeless lifestyle. Left me with so much disappointment as far as being wife and family are concerned. I’m kind of a fixer by nature and want everyone to have their haven and happy place. I don’t like dissension, confrontation, anger, etc. I don’t have that with my children and other friends, why did I have to have it with my spouse? I ponder that question quite often, but it doesn’t bother me anymore. I know I did what I could and it’s better for my husband and God to have a right relationship than he and I. We just clash. But I will continue in my walk with God. That is truth and light and life, to me. I heard someone who said they’d rather believe and find out there is nothing than not believe and find out there is. That’s faith and I guess my faith is stronger in God than it is in people. Too bad we have to live by trial and error before we finally get it. Shouldn’t be that way, but I guess that is character building. Some just have more character than others!!
Is this also paramoralism?
These are some of the things my ex used to tell me to make me feel so guilt and question myself about who was wrong and who was right?
“Because you’re suspecting and accusing me of sleeping around with this girl, that’s why I feel like going and do it”
“Your jealousy is making me cheat on you. It’s your fault I’m behaving this way!”
“How can you call yourself a Christian if you can’t forgive me about my infidelity?
“If you’re in my situation going to bankruptcy and I had the money I would give it to you to help and save your financial situation. So tell me who is the bad person?”
“I could have all women in the world if I want it, but I still with you. It is not enough?”
“God don’t expect us to do only good staff”
I would say he’s seeking justification for what he is doing. He’s trying to turn the tables to take the heat off himself, to make you look like the guilty one. At least that was how it was in my life. Those are all excuses and not reasons. An excuse is nothing more than a covered up lie. A liar needs no accusers. The old adage, that what they accuse us of, is what they are doing.
I keep getting enlightened more and more by these posts. Are there no normal men out in our world who want to do what’s right? Even the pastors of churches are getting caught with their pants down. Literally. One pastor had an affair with a woman in his church and was able to convince her the only way to God was through having sex with him. What awful, convoluted thinking is going on in people’s minds. An idle mind and hands are definitely the devil’s workshop. If it doesn’t feel right, it definitely isn’t of God. He doesn’t do that to us.
Apt/Mgr:
This is a forum to support others in their quest for a healthy outlook on life, not to force others to believe in an unproven idol. Please leave your Christianity out of this. I found your response offensive and presumptuous. I was only giving an example of paramoralism. Stay on topic.
Pitanga:
Yes, that is paramoralism, I listen to the same thing from my ex. In fact, I make an honest living, but live paycheck to paycheck and am able to update furniture belongings and such as needed, therefore he doesn’t think he should have to contribute. That I am stealing from him and I am greedy. Nice huh?
Apt/mgr – I appreciate what you had to say. This is an open forum – that means everyone can give input as to “what helped them”.
I think righteous woman in reaching out for help here – shouldnt be so closed-minded to what varied and differing methods and paths we all took to find healing and peace. We all offer help to each other here, in whatever manner we feel might be helpful – I dont see other people damning others for their personal opinions of what is comforting to them.
Since ALL of our opinions are so valid, here is mine: I do not believe in any religion that is used to manipulate, to where you are brainwashed to worship an unproven idol. Reminds me too much of the sociopath, and all of the the other sick manipulative people I have met in my life. In my opinion, organized religion appears as a cult, ask Jim Jones, Charles Manson, or the 20 or 30 catholic PRIESTS that use(d) religion to molest young men, and seduce women.
From what I understand, real Christians let people find their own path in faith and life, they don’t try to convert people. I am starting to feel like an Indian, living off the land, wrapped in animal skins, and some bald guy in a dress hopped off a boat and is forcing me to convert to his strange beliefs…Unbeknownst to me, the entire time, his “people” are planning on raping me, my land, my way of life, that I was quite happy with.
Sorry, but proven history, and my own experience, have fortified my belief system. I am not closed minded. I am black and white. Can it be proven? No. Blind faith. I already did that, for at least 20 years. Did I pray for years? Were my prayers answered? No. Have I watched good kind people die, while these animals that ruined my life, your lives, roam our cities as predators, sometimes killing people we love? YES
Religion is just another way for kind “Open-minded” people to be preyed on. APT/MGR got taken advantage of by a “kind” man trying to help her through her time, I am sure she met him in church, and he helped himself to all her money. This is while she was STILL with her husband.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…..
I was just trying to share a story and it turned into the ramblings of people who, in black and white, attacked my ever so small sentence that I was agnostic. STAY ON TOPIC PEOPLE!!! This is about how we were victimized and an opportunity to learn from each other. So far, I have made one post, about an experience, and I am preached to about accepting a belief, in an unproven idol. You make me feel just as victimized as the sociopath tries to get me to feel because I won’t close a child support case.
Now, How offended do you all feel that believe in God? AAAPPPP – keep it to yourself….stay on topic. The topic of this blog is PARAMORALISM. Respect my beliefs, and in the future, I will respect yours.
apt/mgr. I find your posts to be honest and generally enlightening. I respect where you are right now. I am not offended, nor did I see that you were trying to force your opinion down anyone’s throat. Thank you for your input.
I honor everyone’s healing path (try to). I do not condemn anyone’s belief. Whether someone believes in one God, no god, ten Gods, Christianity, Buddhism, Allah, Hinduism, or whatever…I have yet to have encountered a post here a person was trying to shove a belief down their throats. I have only heard first person accounts, which I find very safe and unthreatening.
Righteous Woman…I am sorry you seem so hurt by other people’s belief systems. Did I miss something? Because I don’t see anything like what you described in your last post:
“attacked my ever so small sentence that I was agnostic.”
What did I miss?
My ex-the sociopath in my life always liked to say I tried to control him and that is why he had to do the things he did…that is, stole my credit card, opened up 4 accounts under my name, using my social security number etc. I remember apologies that went like this: “if you wouldn’t have done….such and such…I wouldn’t have had to do….such and such.” Or “I am sorry…but…”
When he owed me thousands of dollars…and, then I borrowed money from him, he would then want me to give the 5-10 bucks back to him immediately…within a day or two…and, I got to the point and said…”take it off the money you owe me” – he would say “you promised to pay me back, that’s not very spiritual.” He knew that I had a very strong conscience and strived to do the “right” thing.
Towards the beginning of the “end” — things got very ugly between us, and I called him on his dishonesty and lies, he began to pull up everything in my past that pointed to me being dishonest and tried to say how horrible I was, that I was just as horrible as he was….the crazy making. He wanted to tear me down. The man came close, but, I woke up just in time, and salvaged my spirit.
No longer do I have to dwell in the fear and resentment…I feel the fears and resentment…but, I don’t live there anymore! I am closer and closer to freedom and it sure feels good!
Take care all…each and everyone!
I am so glad I don’t have to deal with that crap anymore.
You missed that I NEVER said it was forced down my throat.
You missed that the first sentence APT/MGR wrote was that I should accept GOD, then she went into her reasons why I should accept it.
Why cant ANY of you stay on topic? The topic is PARAMORALISM. Why haven’t ONE of you said, “yes, I am very Christian, and my ex used the same tactics on me!” ??? Come on people….I wonder where you learned to deflect a topic???