We know only too well that by far the majority of psychopaths are men. Or at least we think we know that. Could it be that the criteria used to identify psychopaths are biased towards men? After all Hare began his work in male prison.
Think about it. While behaving and being the way the PCL-R without doubt earns one the label psychopath, this is simply a list of symptoms. It says nothing about the underlying dynamics. If psychopathy is life centered on the principle of power (as opposed to love) and if it is therefore characterised by what Liane Leedom nicely calls ‘warped empathy‘, then wouldn’t you expect there to be more or less the same number of woman as men psychopaths? And wouldn’t you expect them to come across differently?
I am beginning to wonder whether there may be two broad types of psychopathy – a ‘male’-type and a ‘female’-type. I place these in quotes because, when I think about it, men with might be thought of as ‘female’ psychopathy come to mind and we all know about women with ‘male’ psychopathy. And yet, at the risk of being un-PC, I want to maintain these descriptors for now so that the difference I think I see doesn’t disappear.
A ‘female’ psychopath would not necessarily commit crimianl/antisocial acts like her male counterpart, but she woud be as power-driven, as toxically narcissistic as a ‘male’ psychopath. The control, the manipulation, the dishonesty, the selfishness, the callousness – all these would be present, but we might not recognise them for what they are because of 1. media portrayal and 2. medical diagnosis of psychopaths. The difference would come in the gendered style of their behaviour.
In my clinical work I have come across this phenomenon. For example, a woman I now consider to be of the ‘female’-type of psychopath didn’t come close to committing a crime and yet the way she mothered her daughter, my patient, came close to destroying the child’s mind. This seems to me to be a perversion of motherhood eqivalent to the perversion of fatherhood we read about on this website.
Do readers have any comments? I’m particularly interested in any examples you might have of how ‘female’ psychopathy – if such a thing does exist – manifests itself?
Dear Mary66
Wow!!!!!!
I dont know what her diagnosis might be – but she definitely is a very unhealthy person. There are even other disorders she may have had – like SEVERE pathological liar. Just not sure.
I can imagine it took you a long time to process. Many of us here have had to grieve the loss of a friendship/relationship that never even existed with someone we thought we knew but didnt.
Whatever she was – she was TOXIC to you and your life. Good for you for protecting yourself and changing your number.
Looking back some red flags was when she would cut you off from time to time or turn on you…thats not what a friend does in a real friendship. I think that its great you asked her about it and confronted her about it back then. Even tho you didnt get any concrete answers (another red flag) but nonetheless many of us may have ignored it or turned a cheek because we wanted to keep the peace and maintain the friendship.
The only other possible red flad was the LAPD police officer in your acting class. When he mentioned it might be her and the reasons why — he might have been able to get to the bottom of it back then — but again it would be very difficult for any of us to wrap our head around that possibility of what appeared to be a great, kind, understanding friend.
Wow, did she have obsessiveness disorder or WHAT?
What a horrific ordeal for you. Im glad she is out of your life and that you took the steps to protect yourself and move on. I was so glad to read that you went to a lawyer right away!!!!! And didnt send any money! She may have done this to many “friends” in some form or another and actually got money from them.
She simply is not well. And I guess very well could be a sociopath. Thank you for sharing your story. Im sorry you had to experience this in your life. And glad you are here!
Learnthelesson,
It’s funny you should bring obsessive up she was obsessive about allot of stuff. If she wasn’t sociopathic she had allot of stuff going on.
She was also really paranoid sometimes claiming that the apartment mangers were going into her apartment snooping through stuff.When I look back on the red flags this girl had allot of issues unfortunately I was one of those people who kept giving her chances and thinking she was really “good” somewere inside. I ignored any of these.
I would also call her a pathological liar. I found out later sevral things she claimed were these fabircated lies and stories. It was unreal and yes I’m so glad she’s out of my life.
The funny thing is she never really introduced me to any f her ther friends,she kept people secret so I’ve also wondered wh she is and has done this too.It was hard to move on becasue one wonders if this person will ever be payed back for their deceit and lies.
and can you even imagine if I moved in with her? WOW! This is when I feel some angel brought all this to the surface for my safety!
What a nightmare if you had moved in with her.
About moving on… you can…its hard… but we can get to a place where no longer care enough to wonder – we just become grateful they are no longer in our lives or our minds… not easy.. but doable!
I definitely believe in karma – and get my peace of mind with that now!
Dear marty66
I am no mental health expert but have the traits of a sociopath embedded in my brain, having read up on it here and other places on the web. But also because My exlover/friend is a sociopath. According to the book by Martha Stout Ph.D. if a person possesses at least 3 of the 7 signs of a sociopath, then he or she is 100% likely to be sociopath. You already listed several here:
going in and out of your life. A history of promiscuous behavior, manipulation, and history of living on the edge(e.g. putting you through these head games of manipulation with the emails and trying to extort money)Lying continually.irresponsibility and unreliability. And she is secretive. I can point out many more from what you wrote but she passed the grade of the title of sociopath with flying colors. You need to see this for your self now and keep NC(No Contact) for good now. If she does these things to you you could do alot worse so you need to stay the hell away for your own sake and well being!
Here’s the list again too:
http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html
OMG Renewedhope I just read that list and I have goosebumps those are all her and I mentioned above how secretive and paranoid she was also not to mention the deep seated covert rage she had.lots of covert rage and the spine chilling topper is she went to Vegas all the time and spent tons of money,she had a scorching gambling problem.
Thank you guys for your thoughts and support,you don’t have to worry about me ever connecting with her again that whole thing came to the surface in the summer of 05 and Inever spoke heard from her again as she moved on to another victim I’m sure. I said a prayer never to even see her again in this life time and believe it will be answered and I’ll be protected.
Glad I survived that connection with a dark sociopathic soul now I’ve been much more aware and wiser. I love this site it’s so necessary to forwarn people of this dangerous kind of human!
Hey Mare; I think everyone of us should tape a copy of that list to our bathroom mirror! lest we NEVER,EVER forget it’s impact on our lives and the lives of other victims! You count your blessings that you have such a great support system like the friend that is a police officer! Thank God for him! He probably saved your bank account and we already know he saved your self esteem! You have us here to support you as well. When you get a weak moment come here! It has done wonders for me and kept me from calling my ex-S woman! Do take care!
Update folks! It’s been One month and one week since I broke it off NC with said S woman. I thought about something yesterday that put goosebumps on my skin. Another red flag that I excused away then but it’s in my face now. During this 2 month emotional affair she had made a new email address for me only. Why I don’t know. While privacy won’t allow me to put her full address here I can tell you the first part. It is striking! It is: fallenangel . (Not all of it). It shows just how much she thinks of her dark side. Don’t know why I didn’t catch it sooner. WOW. Another thing I need to remind you all is to keep all correspondence of the said S person. You can refer back to these emails for vital information . It’s also amazing how I read her old emails going all the way back to 2000 and see two different people. I certainly don’t see the lover/friend I had embedded in my brain for all this time! It is enlightening to say the least!
Hi renewed hope:) GO you! for the No contact!x It’s funny how everything comes flooding in once you are out!
Just wanted to say that the one I knew the ONLY painting he had in his place was this
http://www.thelemacoasttocoast.com/images/content/Postcard51.jpg
Clocked it straight away and asked about why it was there(not accusatory I love paintings and I love photos and I like to know what people found interesting in them..) it was “just something he liked” what on earth can you make of that? well there is no law about paintings you like and people like all sorts, but this was the only one. It seemed strange and yes blue IT WAS. If he had said I like it because a+b and so on… but no : a glib smooth over remark…about THIS painting?Hellooooooooooo!?
I had an e-mail address ‘just for me’, I did ask why, because I couldnt imagine ‘why’ anyone would need to do that (babe in the wood) but it was met with deflection and I went along with that… It was so that he could chat with various ‘folk’ and not get interrupted or muddled I guess….OR ( harking back to the old LF adage: ‘when a sociopath’s mouth is moving: its a lie’ ) a load of BS – and it was not ‘just for me’ but was for the other ‘just for me’s’ too! lol!
and my last waffle is:Just an opinion:)x I worry about people keeping old e-mails… I think (maybe after the first getting your head round it stage when it can be ‘useful’) It is better to ditch the whole lot.
Re-reading correspondence can become obsessional (see look? I am right! He/she lied!….allow yourself to KNOW THIS without having to refer to the evidence) it takes space in you head, and unless you need evidence for something like a court case, or if you have children with the snake, It is better for you and your sanity to have a great big purging of the poison!;)xxx
Dear renewedhope,
Yep, you will as you progress in your knowledge about Ps, look back and see a lot of RED FLAGS and PATTERNS you missed at the time.
There will be lots of ah ha moments.