We know only too well that by far the majority of psychopaths are men. Or at least we think we know that. Could it be that the criteria used to identify psychopaths are biased towards men? After all Hare began his work in male prison.
Think about it. While behaving and being the way the PCL-R without doubt earns one the label psychopath, this is simply a list of symptoms. It says nothing about the underlying dynamics. If psychopathy is life centered on the principle of power (as opposed to love) and if it is therefore characterised by what Liane Leedom nicely calls ‘warped empathy‘, then wouldn’t you expect there to be more or less the same number of woman as men psychopaths? And wouldn’t you expect them to come across differently?
I am beginning to wonder whether there may be two broad types of psychopathy – a ‘male’-type and a ‘female’-type. I place these in quotes because, when I think about it, men with might be thought of as ‘female’ psychopathy come to mind and we all know about women with ‘male’ psychopathy. And yet, at the risk of being un-PC, I want to maintain these descriptors for now so that the difference I think I see doesn’t disappear.
A ‘female’ psychopath would not necessarily commit crimianl/antisocial acts like her male counterpart, but she woud be as power-driven, as toxically narcissistic as a ‘male’ psychopath. The control, the manipulation, the dishonesty, the selfishness, the callousness – all these would be present, but we might not recognise them for what they are because of 1. media portrayal and 2. medical diagnosis of psychopaths. The difference would come in the gendered style of their behaviour.
In my clinical work I have come across this phenomenon. For example, a woman I now consider to be of the ‘female’-type of psychopath didn’t come close to committing a crime and yet the way she mothered her daughter, my patient, came close to destroying the child’s mind. This seems to me to be a perversion of motherhood eqivalent to the perversion of fatherhood we read about on this website.
Do readers have any comments? I’m particularly interested in any examples you might have of how ‘female’ psychopathy – if such a thing does exist – manifests itself?
rush64 –
What you are describing is classic sociopath behavior. Given that you did your best to raise her well, she must have inherited a genetic predisposition to the disorder. The fact that it got worse at 15 (puberty) confirms this.
The fake bruising incident proves her heartlessness. She wanted revenge. She wanted attention. She achieved her goals.
Unfortunately, at age 22, it is unlikely that she will change. At some point you and your wife will have to realize that the only solution is No Contact with her.
It is so painful. I am so sorry.
rush_64
I would suggest to you and your wife, keep contact with your step-daughter to the bare minimum (preferably No Contact). She does sound like TROUBLE, capable of anything. Keep her at a distance, emotionally, financially, etc. Make it a priority to protect yourselves from her. She knows right from wrong – it just doesn’t matter to her, so she can be counted on to be unpredictable (in what she will or won’t do). You have good reason to be wary of her, on guard. It’s hard when it’s your own child who has the disorder – my heart goes out to you.
I believe there’s fewer female spaths because of the double X chromosome. The other reason they may not be so noticeable as the men is because there’s more females without partners than males. Spath males know this so it’s easier for them to find a replacement. Female spaths may hang on to her target longer because good quality males are fewer and far between.
I know a handsome successful male who is married to a gorgeous female spath vampire. They’ve been married for years.
She has continual affairs on him but she won’t leave him because they have a house together and he provides a good income. When she has affairs he finds another woman to have sex with.
If his wife feels threatened by any other women her husband is cheating with she quickly ends her own affair and goes back to him. Several well meaning people have told the guy to dump his wife that he deserves so much better.
However the guy won’t listen to reason and is addicted to her.
She has aborted all his babies she has gotten pregnant with too. Now they are older and middle age and most likely will stay together in the cycle of hell she has created.
They’re too addicted to each other. But who could live that life without the guy dropping dead one day from grief or trauma.
rush_64:
I am so sorry. I don’t have children so I don’t have any advice for you. But your story is very sad and I will pray for strength for you. Hugs to you.
Joanie:
That couple is definitely addicted to each other. You see that a lot nowadays. That’s sad that they are married and she still aborted all the babies. Wow.
Joanie 123,
It’s sad that the man has stayed with the spath woman. We can delude ourselves into thinking that the partner will change for the better (over time), coming to their senses (treating us right), but unfortunately it’s magical thinking. Spaths definitely can suck others into their madness.
Rush64,
you can’t help a spath. That’s the first thing you have to realize. Any help you offer them, is a form of enabling them. They want your attention, your servitude, your pity and your admiration. They want you to take responsibility for them so that they don’t have to. So when you offer them help, you are giving them all of that and feeding their addiction to you as supply. Normal people can accept help and then go on to stand on their own two feet, but the socipath will take a hand up and want the arm too, then they will require even more. Once they have you invested into their success, they up the ante.
They will create a bigger crisis JUST TO SEE YOU COMING TO THEIR RESCUE.
This is typical spath behavior. It’s an addiction they have to YOU. That’s why No Contact is the way to go. They have to be weaned off your emotions and emotional responses. Give them no drama, no emotions, no reactions, no responses.
At first it will make her hate you more. HOW DARE YOU ABANDON HER? How dare you think you are better than her? It’s a narcissistic injury and she will want revenge. So she will rage at you, she will plot and she will scheme. NC is all you can do until she gets bored with you. Do everything you can to be boring, they can’t stand being bored and eventually they go away just out of sheer boredom, when you don’t respond.
Dear Rush_64,
I have a son who is a psychopath and is in prison for murder, your wife’s daughter reminds me of him quite a bit….I think you could very well be in danger from this woman.
What has she got to gain if something happens to you and your wife? Your estate?
Her earlier behavior sounds 100% like a psychopath and they do not change, if they are trying to be “friendly” to you it is because they want something. Or they want close enough to you to hurt you. If this young woman has been out of yours and your wife’s life for a while and she has come back….I would definitely BE AFRAID OF HER. I would try to get your wife to see that she literally may be in danger from this “daughter”—but your wife may not see this no matter what you do or say. You are in a hard place between the devil and the deep blue sea. Good luck, and keep on reading here and learning.
If this girl would get your wife ARRESTED at age 15, there is no telling what she will do now. Even from his prison cell my P son tried to have me killed. They are capable of anything. God bless you and be cautious.
rush_64,
Pathological lying is a characteristic trait of sociopaths. I remember Ox Drove writing in one of her past posts that “all psychopaths lie”. That message stayed with me. These people’s brains are wired differently (literally), thus they act out how they’re programmed. They seem to believe their own lies (while they’re in the process of spewing forth their lies). They have no remorse (or even shame) when you call them up on their lies. It is mind-boggling, but a reality with sociopaths. I think that you are on the right track, suspecting that your step-daughter is a sociopath. Keep reading and learning, arming yourself with knowledge, being better able to protect yourself and your wife (in the present and the future) from anything that your step-daughter might pull.
I appreciate your supportive comments.
I can assure you that my wife and I have provided a good environment for her. We have another child that is well balanced and doing very well. In fact he had to testify on my wifes behalf as a character witness in the trial. Our daughter has expressed her hatred towards him and his child, her nephew. She has recently raged at me and my wife for posting pictures of our grandchild on facebook. It still baffles me to this day even though I am numb to her behavior.
The lawyers and I were surprised she didn’t come after me since she could have done more damage with sexual accusations as a step-father. But, I think it goes to a comment before that spaths get bored when individuals do not react to their behavior. I made it a point not to react to her. But, my wife always did. So, I gues she was an easier target.
I really appreciate finding this site. It is difficult finding others going through the same situations.