We know only too well that by far the majority of psychopaths are men. Or at least we think we know that. Could it be that the criteria used to identify psychopaths are biased towards men? After all Hare began his work in male prison.
Think about it. While behaving and being the way the PCL-R without doubt earns one the label psychopath, this is simply a list of symptoms. It says nothing about the underlying dynamics. If psychopathy is life centered on the principle of power (as opposed to love) and if it is therefore characterised by what Liane Leedom nicely calls ‘warped empathy‘, then wouldn’t you expect there to be more or less the same number of woman as men psychopaths? And wouldn’t you expect them to come across differently?
I am beginning to wonder whether there may be two broad types of psychopathy – a ‘male’-type and a ‘female’-type. I place these in quotes because, when I think about it, men with might be thought of as ‘female’ psychopathy come to mind and we all know about women with ‘male’ psychopathy. And yet, at the risk of being un-PC, I want to maintain these descriptors for now so that the difference I think I see doesn’t disappear.
A ‘female’ psychopath would not necessarily commit crimianl/antisocial acts like her male counterpart, but she woud be as power-driven, as toxically narcissistic as a ‘male’ psychopath. The control, the manipulation, the dishonesty, the selfishness, the callousness – all these would be present, but we might not recognise them for what they are because of 1. media portrayal and 2. medical diagnosis of psychopaths. The difference would come in the gendered style of their behaviour.
In my clinical work I have come across this phenomenon. For example, a woman I now consider to be of the ‘female’-type of psychopath didn’t come close to committing a crime and yet the way she mothered her daughter, my patient, came close to destroying the child’s mind. This seems to me to be a perversion of motherhood eqivalent to the perversion of fatherhood we read about on this website.
Do readers have any comments? I’m particularly interested in any examples you might have of how ‘female’ psychopathy – if such a thing does exist – manifests itself?
Alex,
The point I was trying to point out to you is this……
Different situations require different aproaches to healing.
Doesn’t matter if your white/black/male/female/gay/straight/rich/poor…….its about individual-personal experiences.
You pointed out your thoughts about female spaths……But it goes well beyond gender……it’s not a gender issue.
Healing is a situational issue.
We do what we can given what we are working with.
For me to turn a blind eye to the threats and previous actions of ‘my’ spath……would be neglect and ill advised.
I was not comparing experiences…..I was pointing out the necessity of someone in my position to continue to look over my shoulder…..hence, not being able to put it ‘behind me’ and forget about it…..it’s still there and may always will be?!
Yes, I do understand how embarrasing ‘vocalizing’ abuse is…..I too have walked this path….and I am female. I also understand that men have a unique embarrasment admitting that it happened to them….due to societal judgements and expectations. I ‘get it’…..I encourage you to continue to speak about it, as you have here…….because letting go of holding it in, due to embarrasment, is quite empowering. Never own what others do to you. THAT is part of the healing journey. Breaking down and releasing it is also part of the healing journey. It’s all okay and very healthy and necessary part of finding ourselves again.
Nobody deserves this…….NOBODY!
I encourage you to continue to write, process and share…….you will learn things about yourself maybe you will like, and also you will not like so much……but change is what allows us to carry on, into a potential healthy future and healthier relationship choices.
We don’t have a sociopath…..we merely have a Skitzo……
They tend to hold conversations with themselves….
It’s very wierd.
Bunny,
It sounds like you are doing the right thing: living your life with awareness.
My only issue was when you said you were going to send copies to all his friends etc… I don’t think you should bother.
Even if you were to put him in prison, he wouldn’t consider it punishment. Spaths just think of it as more DRAMA. The only thing that really hurts them is to be ignored. So while I agree that you should continue with gathering evidence, on the outside, show no reaction, no emotion. Use the evidence when you need to for protection but not to be vindictive – (because he would LOVE to see you be vindictive)
Remember, everything is backwards in their minds. They aren’t normal.
Also, it’s good to let other people, like cops and lawyers, deal with him because for them it’s “just business, nothing personal”. If you make any move on your own, it becomes personal again.
He spend a year in federal prison for threatening to kill a man and blow up a building on a college campus. He owns guns and shouldn’t. People with a federal record aren’t allowed to own guns for life. He has at least 18 of them. He was turned into the ATF, not by me, and being investigated now. If he goes to prison again, it will be his own doing and not mine. The only way I’d really send my info on him out to anyone is if he did it first to me. Then technically, I’d have nothing left to lose.
Bunny,
They have looong memories. No matter what happens to him, you will get the blame.
Like skylar advised, keep documenting, remain aware and keep abreast of his whereabouts.
If you need it all at some point, great, if you don’t because he dug his own legal hole…..great.
But keep it…..always!
Don’t expect too much from the legal system though…..don’t put all your money on that hand. You’ll be surprised at the outcomes. Jail is a hard place to get into.
HA!
Remain a secret spy, completely covert and diligent.
I had an opportunity several times to do things that he’d NEVER suspect came from me. I did it, and the outcome was blissful. He blamed his ‘close’ friends………and they discarded him, because of his accusations of them.
He ran off these guys due to something I had planted…….completely covertly……part of the backspath, the actions he taught me by studying him…..I separated hiim from his main money/drug hider friends. All the while, they took the blame……and he alienated them as he was discarded due to the accusations. They were puzzled by his actions. It also served to confirm to them the behaviors I had spoken of. They took their experiences back to the state he would frequent and didn’t keep his behaviors quiet. He never went back to operate in that state again!
Learn from your spath, know how he operates and if it serves you in order to protect yourself…….BACKSPATH HIM…..but from a safe distance.
I designed a web forum for him. I’d hid some analytics on it that still come to me. Every time there are posts about me by different people, it’s funny how the IP address is always the same. It makes me wonder if those people even exist or he just has all their passwords. My guess is they are a lie like everything else. Plus his atrocious way of spelling seems to rub off on everyone else. Covert, oh yes. He wonders why nobody posts on his forum anymore. Well, they were my friends first. Seems every one else saw him for what he was when I hadn’t yet. He introduced an ugliness into my life that I never thought I would see and shouldn’t have had to see. I know when you give someone enough rope, they will hang themselves. I just hope I can “coverty” see it.
Bunny,
that is sad that you had to learn about ugliness in that way. But at least you now know.
If he is posting as several people and slandering you, then it’s because he assumes that you are watching and getting angry – which you are.
Try to disengage from the drama. The way to manipulate a spath into losing interest is to be boring. Show no emotion. Bore them away. They can’t stand to be bored, not even for a minute.
Erin – you are so funny:) Spot on. Damn fox is still wreaking havoc.
Are we talking Christmas yet? Or is it too soon? Who’s asking Santa for what?
I see you did the chocolate thing (drool)
If we had one Christmas wish – what would it be?
ERIN im very confused i am trying to heal and it just seams like the advice you are giving everyone is leading us to be a spath?? with the actions you are stating, what you are basically saying is they slashed my tires so im gonna slash theres while there not looking, in no way no matter how you try to justify it is that right! i will not let the actions of others cause a reaction from me, spaths love that can you imagine how happy your spath would be if he saw what lengths you are going to??? im not gonna do it and in no way do any of the great writers or doctors counselors agree to it, in your own words
Never own what others do to you
He doesn’t know I’m watching. I think he’s just hoping I am. As for which forum it is, while I’m sure you’d have fun on it, my trust level has gone down to zero. And now that everyone knows what he is and who I am, I’d have to say I just don’t feel comfortable giving it out. I don’t want to give him any more ammunition that he already has. Sorry livvi86. Especially since there have been sociopaths cruising this site. They could have a field day with that.