Last week I ran across the book, Criminal Interrogation: A Modern Format for Interrogating Criminal Suspects Based on the Intellectual Approach, by Warren D. Holmes. The author spent his early career in law enforcement and now runs a private polygraph company in Miami Florida. He has interviewed many psychopaths including murderers and child molesters. I was anxious to read this book and understand a law enforcement officer’s view of psychopaths. I was happy to see that the book is very well written and I would recommend it to Lovefraud readers who want to know how a law enforcement officer approaches interrogation of psychopaths/sociopaths.
Many Lovefraud readers have expressed the desire to know how to “out” a psychopath/sociopath. In this book Mr. Holmes gives his ideas about this subject. In his Chapter “How People Lie” he discusses the neurotic liar and compares lies told by these people to psychopathic liars. He has also listed and categorized what he calls “liar statements.” These are statements that signal someone is lying. In reading his list, I found that psychopaths/sociopaths use many of these.
Here are his categories of liar statements:
A. Loophole statements like, “To the best of my knowledge.” By using these statements a person can easily have wiggle room to excuse any lies he/she tells.
B. Over-sell expressions like “honestly” and “Believe me.”
C. Thinking time expressions like “can you repeat the question.” Liars use these to give them time to think up lies.
D. Brooklyn Bridge remarks “I need to know if I did it.”
E. Offense statements like “Are you calling me a liar.”
The book discusses each of these in detail. If you have spent time with a psychopath I’m sure you have heard every one of these. Although he is not a psychologist, Mr Holmes discusses his theory of why neurotic, almost sociopathic people lie and what tactics they use. This discussion might be beneficial for those who have a family member who has sociopathic traits but who may not have the full disorder.
The book also discusses what it is like to interview a psychopath. Mr Holmes says what I have said here on this blog and in my books, that is that psychopaths/sociopaths are preoccupied with power and dominance. They show this in every aspect of their behavior. They violate personal space, make inappropriately personal remarks and attempt to control the interview. He says, “When they enter my office, they generally jump into my secretary’s lap.”
I am very grateful for the fact that Mr. Holmes also granted me a brief interview. He is a friendly and wise man, who is certainly an expert on psychopathy/sociopathy. The question I most wanted to ask him was what he thought about the estimates of only 20% of people in prison being psychopaths. He agreed with me that this estimate is too low. He also expressed concern that there is an increase in the prevalence of psychopathy in America.
I asked him if he had any words of wisdom for Lovefraud readers regarding sociopaths/psychopaths and avoiding them. He said that we should always be suspicious of any person who tries too hard to sell himself. He said to beware of people who are overpowering. That sounds like great advice and right on the money to me!
HL,
There is no shame here. Your sociopath would want you to commit suicide, but that would be him really winning. I am sorry you have had such a hard time in the united States. There are many more sociopath/psychopaths in the US then in Asia. Partly because of our society, and partly because of genetics.
Sociopaths shame us, that is what they do. My ex sociopath left me pregnant at 6 months. I have had so many people tell me I really made a mistake! And I should have done this. And “boy did you mess up”. The sociopaths try and shame us. But it is not our fault! We are trusting, good people HL. Don’t forget it. It is just money. Your life is worth way more then this.
The shame does make you think of suicide. I would be lying if I told you it didn’t cross my mind too. But, we are all experiencing it. We are with you ok! We understand.
You are a good person, don’t forget it! You don’t deserve what happened to you!
HL,
Don’t be ashamed of having a kind and trusting heart. We are all still trying to find out how and why we got involved with a sociopath.
I am still paying on a car that I bought for my sociopath and also credit card debt. Sociiopaths manipulate us and lie to us.
You are not alone. We have all put our trust in a person who turned out to be only an illusion. I thought that this man was my future. I saw the two of us growing old together.
He took another woman on a “family” cruise and I bought him his tux and suits.
He is the one who should be ashamed of the way that he used you.
Dear HL,
The shame is HIS, not yours, but because he has no conscience, he does not feel his shame. You should NOT feel his shame, because YOU did not do anything bad. Shame is for the bad person. You are a good person. Please promise us you will not harm yourself.
You are worth so much more than he is. What he did to you was wrong. You do not deserve to be treated like that, and all the things he told you were lies…LIES. You could not have known they were lies, so you have nothing to BE ashamed of.
Take one day at a time, and you will come through this nightmare, and have a good life. Post here and we will support you in every way we know how. You are worth it! I wish you all the good luck in the world and success with your studies. I do know it is difficult, but you are stronger than you know! He is an evil person, but he cannot overcome you now. He is gone.
HL,
Committing suicide is COWARDLY. You have a duty to your self to get out of this mess. Bankrupcy can be fixed….it’s temporary. Sub-let a room from another studemt, finish school.
Their is no honor in giving up. Channel your anger and sorrow into your studies. And later…help someone else. There is no shame in being victim, but shame in taking your life. You would HURT US, HURT the schoool and everyone who sees you as competent…you owe it to everyone, to keep studying- to overcome this monster.
You can do this.
As I read this post, it struck me as odd that I recall few of the mentioned ‘evasions’. But my guess is he did use them – he has been nothing but textbook up until now. He was my best friend (I thought), the love of my life (I thought) and I spent almost 7 hours a day with him, 6 days a week for 3 years. I have been struggling to recall anything resembling half lies. Nope. The guy just LIED. No shame. Just lied. Story teller, extraordinaire. He was, however, brilliant at “I didn’t say that” and deflection. If there is anything I can look back and laugh on, it is the CONTRIVED faces. The acting, oh. the ACTING. Sadly, I caught it many, many times, and managed to dismiss it with the next ‘wonderful’ thing that he did. Denial.
Enlightened-
You summed it up: he just lied, all the time. No need for a preface…
Dr. Robert Hare mentioned in his book, “Without Conscience” that the psychopath will lie in the face of EVIDENCE that he is lying. What struck me so odd about this was that the only time before puberty that my P-son was caught in a lie, at age 11, even with the other child present, and the parents of the other child there, with the EVICENCE that he had stolen money and an uncashed check from my purse to trade for a radio that he wanted, HE STILL DENIED, DENIED DENIED.
Later, when he went to jail for the first time he DENIED, DENIED DENIED his guilt. When he went to jail and then prison for murder–the evidence was OVERWHELMING that he was guilty, and yet, he DENIED, DENIED, DENIED.
Years after the fact, almost 20, when he had STILL denied that he had stolen a gun from my dad when he was 15 or 16, he still DENIED DENIED DENIED. When my dad was dying and I begged my son to write him a letter and admit it, even if he didn’t take the gun, just so my dad could die in peace about it, he wrote a letter and blamed the theft on his best friend, who was dead–and said “oh, I shold have told you”—DENY DENY DENY even in the face of the truth, and even refusing to tell the truth to a dying man. My dad, pretty perceptive he was, read the letter, made a spitting sound and threw it down.
Only now, 20 years after the fact, does he admit that he is guilty of murder, and actually PROUD OF IT, and that it was “more horrible than even the cops know.”
Hare says that they can’t SEE the contradiction in what they are saying and what you are looking at as evidence. I can’t understand that, can’t get my head around it. Because if I was “caught” in a crime, I might start to figure some way to lie my way out of it, but I sure wouldn’t DENY it. I might find some reason to justify or excuse my action, but at that point I would quit denying it, because I could see that NO ONE would believe a denial, but some how they don’t “get it” that you are not going to belive them in the FACE OF EVIDENCE that is overwhelmingly damning.
From reading the stories here on this blog though, I know that my son is not “unique” in this type of lying in the face of evidence, and sometimes I guess they lie so strongly that we ignore the evidence and give in to their lies….maybe because WE wouldn’t continue to deny deny deny in the face of evidence we can’t see that they not only can but DO.
HL, PLEASE HEAR ME. Hummingbird and OXdrover are right. Your pain is so fresh and I remember that pain so well. The shock. The shame. What I gave up for this man. The cost. My child was hurt and I am still trying to make peace with the guilt. My addiction to the man has had ramifications beyond measure for myself and my child. She was 12 when the relationship began and she is now 15. I lost 3 year of my child life, in many regards. I was not the mother that she needed during the transition from childhood to adolescence. Her life was altered because of my preoccupation with this man that turned out to be a monster. When I came out of my fog and discovered the truth, I was looking for the nearest bridge. If I were not I mother, I may have found it. It has been a year and 2 months now and I need you to hear me when I tell you that all of the ‘lame sounding’ cliche’s are true. The truest of all is… TIME – it heals wounds. I had a counselor tell me, in the beginning… “It is going to take you atleast a year to recover from this. And she was right. I spent a year in a kind of pain I never knew existed. I cried buckets. I would think I was making progress and then be leveled by yet another piece of information about him. I never thought the day would come that I would be okay with the truth. I felt stupid. I wasn’t stupid. I was a good soul with a trusting heart. I thought, and told him many times, that he had a beautiful soul. His soul is ugly. It was not my fault. He was good – he was d**n good. They all are. A year passed a couple of months back. I turned a corner recently. I mean REALLY turned a corner. I spent a year TELLING myself that I was better off since he was gone. It was only in the last month that I woke up one morning and knew that I wasn’t just telling myself that anymore. I believed it. I knew it. What everyone had been telling me from day 1, and what I had been telling myself for many months, had finally sunk in. I wasn’t just telling myself anymore. I knew it. With every fiber of my being. Ding Dong, the Psycho’s gone. It was NOT MY FAULT. Did I have any responsibility??? YES. Am I a bad person??? NOOOOO. I was vulnerable and I had no clue that there were people walking around who were full of such evil. Until you have an encounter like this, WHO DOES??? I have reached a place that I could never have imagined a year ago. My love for God and for myself have grown in a way that I am not sure would have ever occurred had I not gone through this trial. The pain was unbearable and it may have been the longest year of my life. But I have come out on the other side and YOU WILL TOO. I am living proof that shattered dreams can be the beginning to a journey that will transform you. You are a butterfly, Girlfriend. As I write this, I remember being in your shoes. I remember everyone telling me the things that I am telling you and I couldn’t get it. So it hurts me to think of you reading this and knowing that you probably won’t get it either – not yet. I friend told me recently (because yes, no matter how ‘healed’ we think we are, we still feel ‘a ha! moments’), You know how lucky your are. “You could have never handled him. He would have swallowed you whole”. And I thought, “Thank you, Lord”, because he chewed me up and spit me out. He would, indeed, have swallowed me whole. HL, you are not a failure. This is not your fault. Any fault you recognize (we ALL have some that we can recognize and address in the future – this makes us better people, which is the point of trials) is FORGIVABLE. God forgives you and you need to forgive yourself. God loves you and we love you. Love yourself, HL. I wish I could share my story with you, but I fear that my ex/s knows about this website, which is my I am cautious with what I share. But I have lost so much and I have so many fears about the future, but suicide is NOT the answer. The sun will shine tomorrow. The tides will turn. TIME will do its work. YOU WILL BE OKAY!!! How do I know??? Because I am okay, and I could never have seen that a year ago. But time did its work and I am okay and that is how I know. I didn’t mean to write a novel here, but you need to know that there really is light at the end of this tunnel. BTW, you mentioned Fed EX. Are you in Memphis, HL???
Bird, Hummingbird1418, OxDrover, and Holywatersalt,
Thank you so much for encouraging me and understanding me. My school people and my detective have helped me so much so far so that I can at least restore my visa status.
When he was arrested, I was staying here illegally because he messed up my visa. My school and my detective helped me to enroll the classes again and get my valid visa.
Yes… Even though I feel like commiting suicide, I think about them and try to survive from this mess.
I even talked my mom about lovefraud.com and how much people here are encouraging each other. Thank you so much!!! I will post often and let you guys know how I am doing. It was the first time that so many people actually understand that I was not stupid but he was so skilled to manipulate me. He will go to the hell!
Thank you!!!!!
I would love to read this book and will try ASAP. Did the book say anything about sociopaths that could manipulate a polygraph machine? I know the testers uses control questions to test reliability of the subject. But can one lie and lie and still not be detected as lying? We know that polygraph test are not admissible in a court of law base on the fact that they are not 99.99 percent precise (from what I heard) and therefore inadmissible in courts for evidences. Studies have showed that innocence people “fail” polygraph test because they are under stress and can throw off the reading. While “sociopaths” can be unaffected by this “stressful” situation and therefore show no bumps or beeps on the polygraph machine.