Last week I ran across the book, Criminal Interrogation: A Modern Format for Interrogating Criminal Suspects Based on the Intellectual Approach, by Warren D. Holmes. The author spent his early career in law enforcement and now runs a private polygraph company in Miami Florida. He has interviewed many psychopaths including murderers and child molesters. I was anxious to read this book and understand a law enforcement officer’s view of psychopaths. I was happy to see that the book is very well written and I would recommend it to Lovefraud readers who want to know how a law enforcement officer approaches interrogation of psychopaths/sociopaths.
Many Lovefraud readers have expressed the desire to know how to “out” a psychopath/sociopath. In this book Mr. Holmes gives his ideas about this subject. In his Chapter “How People Lie” he discusses the neurotic liar and compares lies told by these people to psychopathic liars. He has also listed and categorized what he calls “liar statements.” These are statements that signal someone is lying. In reading his list, I found that psychopaths/sociopaths use many of these.
Here are his categories of liar statements:
A. Loophole statements like, “To the best of my knowledge.” By using these statements a person can easily have wiggle room to excuse any lies he/she tells.
B. Over-sell expressions like “honestly” and “Believe me.”
C. Thinking time expressions like “can you repeat the question.” Liars use these to give them time to think up lies.
D. Brooklyn Bridge remarks “I need to know if I did it.”
E. Offense statements like “Are you calling me a liar.”
The book discusses each of these in detail. If you have spent time with a psychopath I’m sure you have heard every one of these. Although he is not a psychologist, Mr Holmes discusses his theory of why neurotic, almost sociopathic people lie and what tactics they use. This discussion might be beneficial for those who have a family member who has sociopathic traits but who may not have the full disorder.
The book also discusses what it is like to interview a psychopath. Mr Holmes says what I have said here on this blog and in my books, that is that psychopaths/sociopaths are preoccupied with power and dominance. They show this in every aspect of their behavior. They violate personal space, make inappropriately personal remarks and attempt to control the interview. He says, “When they enter my office, they generally jump into my secretary’s lap.”
I am very grateful for the fact that Mr. Holmes also granted me a brief interview. He is a friendly and wise man, who is certainly an expert on psychopathy/sociopathy. The question I most wanted to ask him was what he thought about the estimates of only 20% of people in prison being psychopaths. He agreed with me that this estimate is too low. He also expressed concern that there is an increase in the prevalence of psychopathy in America.
I asked him if he had any words of wisdom for Lovefraud readers regarding sociopaths/psychopaths and avoiding them. He said that we should always be suspicious of any person who tries too hard to sell himself. He said to beware of people who are overpowering. That sounds like great advice and right on the money to me!
Yes, some are extremely good at deceit. I saw signs of questionable and even some unacceptable behavior, but relegated it to other problems but never to something evil. Only after my relationship ended after almost 2 years and I hired a PI, did I learn though I was “engaged” that I was only one of many among other deceptions, and that I had been involved with a Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.
It is validating to read that so many smart, intuitive people were fooled by these people for so long. I spent 32 years believing I was living with this wonderful, faithful, Director of Worship who finally “outed” himself. I have looked back over the whole mess and realized that if God had not hit me over the head with a 2×4 (I walked in on him with his 20-years-younger, married, children’s choir director), I would most likely still be in that marriage, still believing his stupid lies, and still thinking all our problems were because I was the jealous, anger-ridden b*tch he told me I was, LOL.
I mean, these people are GOOD at the lies. I have seen my ex look me straight in the eye and tell me what I know now were complete and utter lies. Even when I found out the whole truth he STILL continued to tell me that “it is not what you think”. Yeah, like finding my husband with his pants down around his knees and his paramour hiding in the bedroom ain’t what it looked like, LOL.
He also was a master at the half-truth-is-not-a-lie scenario. When the senior minister asked him outright if he was involved with this woman, he told me, “I could say, ‘no I’m not’ because right at that moment I WASN’T involved with her”.
Sheesh. And you know what is really scarey??? He was absolutely convinced that that was not lying. To one of these Ps, it is never a lie if there is any kernel of truth to what they are saying. It is the old, “I did not have sex with that woman” defense – it is not sex if you only define “having sex” in the narrowest of definitions which does not not include oral anything, LOL.
Honey
Oh, and you know another laughable one? When I asked him if he was sleeping with someone, he said, “No, I am not sleeping with her”. When the truth came out, and when I asked why he lied, he said, “I didn’t lie. We only had sex but we never slept together”.
LOL, LOL
Wini, sometimes the providence of God turns something “bad” (the wreck) into something “good” (finding out the lies) in that you got the information you needed to see what was going on.
Benz, I too hired a PI and got BACKGROUND information on two of my Ps—pretty cheap at that too! Having them followed would have been out of my price range, but just a background check gave me LOTS of information I could follow up on, like the names, addresses and phone numbers of all their neighbors for years back. Criminal records in one case, and PROOF that there was a criminal background. If I had needed CERTIFIED proof of these criminal convictions, I could have written to the courthouses listed with case numbers, dates, etc. and for a small fee, received certified copies of these documents.
It is amazing what information you can get from calling the neighbors though, and that was easy.
Financial information (except for bankruptcy proceedings which are public record) is more difficult to get with all the privacy laws now. But for only $225 I got a WEALTH of information and leg work done for me. You can also usually call the arresting police department and if the case is not too long ago, find the detective that will know something of the case (at least in smaller towns) and get an ear-full about the person in addition to the conviction itself. (which may be only the tip of the ice berg) For example, I found out that one conviction for “burgulary of a home” was when the Trojan Horse Psychopath was a “caregiver” for an elderly couple and stole from them—mostly drugs and some money. Funny, he had taken on the role of “caregiver” for my mom.
Some of the more educated psychopaths (“higher class crooks”) are better able to put on a good cloak, but underneath they are the same—scum.
This site has saved my sanity. My ex has a very unique way of lying. I discovered that I had to take what he was saying literally, instead of interpreting it in the normal human way of understanding. After our divorce he took up my wedding band, when I asked him for it, he yelled at me that he didn’t have it. He intended for me to believe that he didn’t take it up. But I knew that he had taken it up, and what he was actually saying was that he no longer had it.
Another one of my ex.’s favourite was to say that he can look me in the eye and say that something is not true. After I learned how he lied, I would reply by telling him that because he can look me in the eye does not make what he is saying true. Before I found out how he lied, I was married to him for 15 years
Dear Jody,
Yes, they have some “creative” ways of lying by ALMOST (or literally) saying something “true” in a way that it deceives –or tries to deceive us.
Another part of the lying that is so amazing to me is that you can SEE them do something and they will deny that they did it, EVEN KNOWING you saw it. Dr. Robert Hare mentioned in his book Without Conscience that they would lie even in the face of any kind of evidence. Some how they can’t see that their lie is NOT believeable.
Someone recently wrote that they are like a 5year old kid who is getting in the cookie jar and you HEAR it and ask him if he is in the cookie jar, and he can’t realize you heard the lid klink and he lies and says “No” or if you walked int othe room and he had his hand in it he would say “I’m getting a cookie for YOU” Of course this is NORMAL behavior for a 5 year old, but the Psychopaths don’t seem to get past that stage with their lying, but yea, they can LOOK YOU IN THE EYE when they do it. LOL
Sorry that it took you 15 years to get out of the marriage, but at least you are OUT of it, and “better late than never”–
This is a small insignificant event. I have a hamster and he asked if he could put the hamster in the plastic (run around) ball. I was feet away from him and I heard him break the top of the ball as he put his hand over it and turned it to get the slots to engage. Instead of saying something, he put the hamster in the ball and of course the top came off and the hamster escaped. He then made out that the ball had broken itself, and so I picked up the broken plastic and said ‘here is the broken bit – how did that happen’ (giving him a chance to own up), he said he didnt know. I thought he would rather be irresponsible and let the hamster escape rather than own up. At that defining moment, I realised he was a LIAR.
How “childish” a lie!!!! Just like a 5 year old would tell, not realizing that you would have HEARD the crack of the plastic or that you would not believe the “ball broke itself”—but lying rather than telling the truth, just like a five year old afraid of being punished would do.
I think this kind of lie is one of the first BIG RED FLAGS we can see waving but we don’t (usually) attribute this kind of “little lie” as anything really significant like one would be if it was “I didn’t steal your diamonds” when you knew they had.
What is so funny about it all though, i s let’s say you kicked him to the curb over the lie about the hamster ball, and your friend asked you “Why did you break up with John?” and you told her I can see her face and expression saying “You BROKE UP with him over a lie about breaking a hamster ball?”
Yep, not because the hamster ball was so important, but because the LIE was so important a RED FLAG. But, most folks don’t get that. I didn’t, NOW I DO.
Dear OxyD. Yes, my story is just like the cookie jar isnt it. Yes it was an important red flag, because I realised that if he could lie over some small object, he could lie about anything. When the hamster escaped, I said to him, ‘I cant understand it the ball was fine this morning’ (giving him another chance to own up). I really started to see another side of him, his mask was slipping and I was coming out of the FOGgggg.