Last week I ran across the book, Criminal Interrogation: A Modern Format for Interrogating Criminal Suspects Based on the Intellectual Approach, by Warren D. Holmes. The author spent his early career in law enforcement and now runs a private polygraph company in Miami Florida. He has interviewed many psychopaths including murderers and child molesters. I was anxious to read this book and understand a law enforcement officer’s view of psychopaths. I was happy to see that the book is very well written and I would recommend it to Lovefraud readers who want to know how a law enforcement officer approaches interrogation of psychopaths/sociopaths.
Many Lovefraud readers have expressed the desire to know how to “out” a psychopath/sociopath. In this book Mr. Holmes gives his ideas about this subject. In his Chapter “How People Lie” he discusses the neurotic liar and compares lies told by these people to psychopathic liars. He has also listed and categorized what he calls “liar statements.” These are statements that signal someone is lying. In reading his list, I found that psychopaths/sociopaths use many of these.
Here are his categories of liar statements:
A. Loophole statements like, “To the best of my knowledge.” By using these statements a person can easily have wiggle room to excuse any lies he/she tells.
B. Over-sell expressions like “honestly” and “Believe me.”
C. Thinking time expressions like “can you repeat the question.” Liars use these to give them time to think up lies.
D. Brooklyn Bridge remarks “I need to know if I did it.”
E. Offense statements like “Are you calling me a liar.”
The book discusses each of these in detail. If you have spent time with a psychopath I’m sure you have heard every one of these. Although he is not a psychologist, Mr Holmes discusses his theory of why neurotic, almost sociopathic people lie and what tactics they use. This discussion might be beneficial for those who have a family member who has sociopathic traits but who may not have the full disorder.
The book also discusses what it is like to interview a psychopath. Mr Holmes says what I have said here on this blog and in my books, that is that psychopaths/sociopaths are preoccupied with power and dominance. They show this in every aspect of their behavior. They violate personal space, make inappropriately personal remarks and attempt to control the interview. He says, “When they enter my office, they generally jump into my secretary’s lap.”
I am very grateful for the fact that Mr. Holmes also granted me a brief interview. He is a friendly and wise man, who is certainly an expert on psychopathy/sociopathy. The question I most wanted to ask him was what he thought about the estimates of only 20% of people in prison being psychopaths. He agreed with me that this estimate is too low. He also expressed concern that there is an increase in the prevalence of psychopathy in America.
I asked him if he had any words of wisdom for Lovefraud readers regarding sociopaths/psychopaths and avoiding them. He said that we should always be suspicious of any person who tries too hard to sell himself. He said to beware of people who are overpowering. That sounds like great advice and right on the money to me!
This is very scary for me. Finally, there is an en(4/6/08) to an 11 year rel. with (i think) was a socio.. I tried to end it many times, but he always manipulated his way back in. I wish I had a nickel for everytime I tried to end it, I’d be rich. The past couple of years I just gave up-he was a long haul truck driver and only in town every 3 to 4 weeks so I looked forward to his coming, but even MORE to his going. I remained in denial because it was easier than brealing up, facing my abandonment issues and being strong willed and not succumbing to his manipulations. His drug addiction to methadone became worse and worse and it seems that so did his sociopathic traits!! I even suspect that in his periods (short) of sobriety and doing the right thing, his personality disorder was not really evident. I admit I was not leading the perfection of sobriety-I used (some) to cover up and not deal with what I felt was a very “trapped” existance.
I knew he manipulated ALL kinds of money from me,probably to the tune of $15,000 and up- emotionally abused me, but until I was told from a girlfriend he was bringing home a 27 y.o waitress and her 15 month old baby from her physically abusive rel. on 4/6, I had NO clue. Never was ther any kind of jealousy on eiether of our part. WE ALWAYS PROMISED WE WOULD BE FRIENDS FOREVER. Part of me is VERY glad he is out of my life but my emotional part just can not understand how he can close the door on an 11 year rel/friendship (we always said we were best friends) and not look back. I feel SO used. I feel so UNEMPOWERED. I want to sue for the $10,000 he borrowed from me (It’s on paper and signed I just can’t find the paper!!) I’m nauseated, stomach in knots, anxious and depressed. I see a therapist 3x week and CODA 2x week Alanon1x week–I feel i’m coming apart at the seams!!!I really miss his family. i’m tempted to act out on a daily basis ( to him, his sister, his mom and oh, by the way, he married his new girlfriend within a few mos. of knowing her!-better her than me!! I knew better than to do that at least!) Please help me! I’m nauseus as I right this. i know, I allowed myself to become the victim, but it is all very overwhelming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Britney, You have found the right place to to start your healing. Read everything you can here and anything that you can learn about sociopaths. This site and the people here have helped me more than any therapist, any pill. It is going to be a tuff road ahead of you . It’s all about finding you and your lost identity. Hang in there, I know you are scared, confused and feel like it is the end of the world but it isn’t, if we come to this website and type the word sociopath then that is what we are dealing with. I wish I could do more, but you have found a place to start…..
back to my previous post about the booger. It is futile to try and reason with them, how can you communicate with someone when you don’t believe anything they say. I know where he is, i know what he did when he was here, why did I expect him to admit it? I know I am not the crazy one. I have my power back and I made him leave, I am not under his spell anymore, kinda glad the booger showed up, he is a miserable lonely confused pathetic liar a user a freeloader and I don’t feel sorry for him anymore. Thanks for all the support gang, I am healing and getting better, we need to help Britney
Henry,
I am SOOOOO PROUD OF YOU! It is kind of scary to see them again, and leaves us to vulnerable to their manipulations and for us to PITY them–believe me, I KNOW. This past week has been hell and I thought I was so strong,but when I saw my mom’s evil look, her continued LIES, her continued PROJECTING all the “fault” back on to me–the ONLY one in the whole darned thing that DIDN’T LIE–LOL–it HURT SO BADLY. I’m better now though, and I am glad that you are too.
Isn’t it simply AMAZING when your eyes clear up and you can see with the FOG gone! (((BIG Hugs and HIGH 5s)
Britney, dear, welcome. It sounds to me like you are doing the right things, and helping yourself. That is the bestthing that you can do. READ here and LEARN, because KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Only YOU have the power to get him out of your life and your head.
You must start with getting him out ofyour life, and it seems he has been good enough to do that part for you by marrying that other woman.
Next, admit that HE LIED. You know he did. He did NOT KEEP HIS PROMISES to you.
People who lie to us and don’t keep their promises, are TOXIC to us. Just like poison ivy is toxic. WE MUST AVOID IT. That is the only way to deal with it, AVOIDANCE.
Since YOU did care about him, but he did NOT care about you, and USED you—and YOU ALLOWED IT–now you must STOP ALLOWING it. Sounds “simple” but we both know it isn’t, but YOU WILL GET BETTER, YOU WILL HEAL, YOU WILL RECOVER…but YOU must do those things for yourself by loving yourself, and taking care of yourself, and recognizing that people like him–USERS—ARE NOT GOOD FOR YOU.
Be good to yourself and come here often, we’ve all been through the wringer, and some are closer to being healed than others but we are all o n a journey, none of us will ever reach “perfection” but that’s okay, we are working toward being better people, happier people than we have EVER been. (((hugs)))) and my prayers for you.
Dear Winni,
After 15 years of living with and trying to help my ex, whose only way of showing me his feelings was to hurt me, I do not think you understand a disordered personality. The last christmas we were together my ex (and we were actually divorced at that time), did something to the christmas tree to cause it to die within 2 days. Yes they may behave live children, but he is 68 years old and I am 52 years. How can you live with that, and treat them as a chid who need help.
Oxy,
Exactly, someone who doesn’t have any regard for my feelings, is someone who doesn’t value me. And the point not to miss is don’t look for the lie because you may miss it, as they are slippery especially from a new love as you are working through the initial infatuation stages. Look at something more concrete, were your feelings validated, were you valued?
And if you understand and as everyone else does in your support circle that it ended not for a little lie but for something important, it’s just more validation, reality, and leaves you with no doubt or question from within or without that you made a good choice and without regret or after thought in case they come back and try again. If you catch a lie, of course it’s a flag.
Winni, I agree with you. It’s not that the pathological is like the child, but in how you must deal with them, like adult to child, not adult to adult. Firmness, consistency, boundaries are necessary with children to teach. Firmness, consistency, boundaries are nesessary with pathology to protect. Dealing with adult to normal adult allows much more flexibility than when dealing with pathology.
Way to go Henry!!
Benz
I don’t know what the Brooklyn Bridge reference means
neveragian – from wikipedia
‘References to “selling the Brooklyn Bridge” abound in American culture, sometimes as examples of rural gullibility but more often in connection with an idea that strains credulity. For example, “If you believe that, I’ve got a bridge to sell you.” References are often nowadays more oblique, such as “I could sell you some lovely riverside property in Brooklyn …”. George C. Parker and William McCloundy are two early 20th-century con-men who had (allegedly) successfully perpetrated this scam on unwitting tourists’
This article is a bit old, but nothing no this site that I’ve read is ever too old to read and explore and learn from.
Henry, I don’t know if your online whereabouts are now unknown but your conversation with your “booger” on this blog, floored me. I had had that same conversation with my ex POS.
This is a DEFINING post forme in so many ways and opens up new doors to understanding ex POS and his behavior. It helps to integrate new information about psychopathology and sociopathy, however, it also helps to validate that what I was seeing was a genuine disorder and not my imagination.
There were MANY times that my ex POS flat out lied to me. When confronted he would just tell another lie. When I had PROOF he was lying, he DENIED IT, said I was imagining things…..then blamed,..but STILL DENIED IT and let me believe I was IMAGINING things. THAT is when I knew….THAT was it…I couldn’t put into words what was written here, but he DENIED even when confronted with PROOF of the truth. Amazing shit….
They Do have NERVE!
Mine totally denied putting his profile on a dating and porn dating site online…
Then, when I asked him again…he said..”Ok, maybe I did …maybe I didn’t” OMG!!!
When he hit a student in my class and broke his nose…he told the administration…”Maybe I did..maybe I didn’t”..OMG!!! They couldn’t prove he did….he got away with it.
He never told ME the truth for a year!!!!
I HAD to leave the job. He caused so many problems in my classroom!
They are trouble where ever they go….
Never again….once a person lies to me….its OVER.