This week I want to reach out to all of you who feel that you can no longer trust people. Imagine a world where your worst fears have come true, a world where everyone over the age of 15 is a sociopath. What would it be like to live in that world?
If you only read one book this summer, I strongly urge you to read Chimpanzee Politics: Power and Sex Among Apes by Frans de Waal. I have said before that I think the social-brain of sociopaths is similar to that of chimps. Now having read that book I am even more convinced.
Chimpanzee Politics is the true life story of the relationships between individuals of the Arnhem Chimp Colony. Scientists carefully observed, photographed, filmed and recorded every interaction between troop members over several years. I don’t want to give away the story, because it is shocking, and you should read it for yourself. The chimps’ story is presented as a very readable narrative that brings to life all of their individual personalities.
I want to outline here the major findings that help us to understand ourselves and sociopaths.
1) Chimpanzees practice deception extensively. Take this example given on page 36:
Dandy is the youngest and lowest ranking of the four grown males. The other three, and in particular the alpha male, do not tolerate any sexual intercourse between Dandy and the adult females. Nevertheless, every now and again he does succeed in mating with them after having made a “date.” When this happens Dandy and the female pretend to be walking in the same direction by chance, and if all goes well they meet behind a few tree trunks. These dates take place after the exchange of a few glances and in some case a brief nudge.
This kind of mating is frequently associated with signal suppression and concealment. ..Dandy and a female were courting each other surreptitiously. Dandy began to make advances to the female, while at the same time restlessly looking around to see if any of the other males were watching. Male chimpanzees start their advances by sitting with their legs wide apart revealing their erection. Precisely at the point when Dandy was exhibiting his sexual urge in this way Luit, one of the older males, unexpectedly came around the corner. Dandy immediately dropped his hands over his penis concealing it from view.
2) Chimpanzees manipulate and instigate.
3) Chimpanzees fake emotions to get attention and influence others.
4) Chimpanzees hurt one another and only care about the hurt because of what others will think. There is an awareness that hurting is wrong and those who hurt are punished, but they do not appear to care unless someone else sees it.
5) A male chimpanzee will use a “friend” to form a coalition to achieve his aims, then soon after turn on the friend. Male chimps have no problem killing their “friends.”
6) Most interestingly, chimpanzees remember each other and recognize individuals but only females take that a step further and maintain a slightly loyal relationship with another individual. All of the chimps’ loyalties are temporary. Their loyalties are based on exchange. Touch which feels good, sex, food and protection are part of the exchange. They have incredible memories for who they have done favors for, and who has done favors for them. The pleasure they receive due to another’s actions is not lasting and if a coalition is to be maintained, it has to be continually reinforced, with touch, food, sex or some other favor.
7) For chimps, affectionate touching is part of dominance coalition development as opposed to meaningful friendship. In other words, my dog comes to get a caress and kiss me because I am special and he loves me. A chimp engages in the same behavior because he knows it will get him something.
I am very interested in the idea that affection and touching can be part of either love or power motives in humans. It is my observation that many of the worst sociopaths/psychopaths enjoy giving and receiving a touch and a hug. If they are incapable of love how can this be? Is it really all fake? I do not think so. I wrote one of the country’s leading chimpanzee experts about the idea that touching is linked to dominance and power motivation. This is what he replied:
Your recent email was very interesting. Indeed there has been a considerable amount of research on grooming in chimpanzees and it appears that much of male grooming does conform to your hypothesis about grooming being related to dominance status. The grooming is clearly related to achieving or maintaining status and usually does not indicate anything close to affection.
A related phenomenon is the role of grooming in all male patrols in wild chimpanzees. Chimpanzees live in large groups that are highly territorial. All male coalitions sometime form and engage intense grooming among themselves. They proceed in single file towards the territorial boundary, remaining uncharacteristically silent (as if on radio silence). If they then encounter a single male from the adjoining troop they attack him usually killing or severely injuring him. Females or infants from the adjoining population are also sometimes killed.
So grooming in the first case is simply part of a political strategy involving status. In the second case, it seems to solidify group coherence to achieve a rather nasty result.
I offer you this to help you in your recovery: next time you are daydreaming of that wonderful touch from the sociopath you loved, picture the person with the face of a chimp! Get it through your head, the touch was not about love. It was about power and control over you. Like chimps, sociopaths can only retain the pleasure of what you bring them for a short time. The minute you no longer serve a purpose you risk being discarded or worse.
Now go back to imagining a world consumed with deception, fake emotion, manipulation, power and violence. That is the world of the chimpanzee NOT the world of homo sapiens. The majority of our species has the capacity for bonds of affection. Furthermore, for many, many people, real affection and genuine caring even extends to strangers. After reading deWaal’s account, I feel very optimistic about us.
DeWaal drew some interesting conclusions of his own:
Politicians, for example, are vociferous about their ideas and promises but are careful not to disclose personal aspirations for power. This is not meant to be a reproach, because after all everyone plays the same game. I would go further and say that we are largely unaware that we are playing a game and hide our motives not only from others but also underestimate the immense effect they have on our own behavior. Chimpanzees, on the other hand are quite blatant about their “baser” motives. Their interest in power is not greater than that of humanity; it is just more obvious”¦Humans should regard it as an honor to be classified as political animals.
I agree that humans as a species are preoccupied with power and that the preoccupation is no less than that of the chimpanzee. However, balancing that power motive for most of us is an equally strong love motive. The love motive, not our political cunning is our true claim to greatness and honor. Thankfully, for humans, unbalanced power motives, egocentricity and the incapacity for love constitute a disorder and not our way of life.
This makes a lot of sense, given that psychopathic human primates have reduced size and activity of the amygdala, hippocampal dysfunction/asymmetries/reduced volume, reduced gray matter in the prefrontal lobes, reduced function in the anterior cingulate, reduced function in the angular gyrus, reduced function in the insula, and disruptions in connectvitiy of these regions. Put them all together and one could expect a moral compass closer to that of a non-human primate. And that is exactly what we see.
I think most people are reasonably trustworthy. On the other hand, a minority are not even a little trustworthy.
Ironically, untrustworthy people are usually skilled in getting most of the people to trust them, most of the time.
It’s interesting you mention politics Steve, because my husband and I have recently become politically active. Behind the scenes many of the candidates give me the creeps. They’re all charming, but many of them strike me as probable sociopaths. Of course, few normals would want the jobs they’re vying for, so I guess it’s inevitable.
Politics are definitely like sausage. You truly don’t want to know all the ingredients.
Does this then follow that the DNA is passed down the line from parent to child? The S that I was involved with had severed ties with his own father because of his controlling and cold behaviour (the mother of the S had told me – she is now in her 70s – that on their honeymoon, he had had an episode in South Africa, was hospitalized and treated for schizophrenia – he never received on-going treatment on his return to the UK) – the S (now 50) his son now 23 display all the traits of an S/N – or could it be ‘learned’ behaviour?
Whichever way round, it seems to come down the line.
Thanks for the article – on a personal level, it does help me to be able to view the S as some sort of primal being – you don’t take it personally if a dog bites you – no matter how hard, do you?
“Steve”
Oops, sorry Dr. Leedom. I don’t know why I got confused.
Thanks for the insight..
I always believe we can learn much from the animal kingdom. I try to check this book out when I can. Sounds very interesting. Thanks again!
OK, question for all. I have been sort of afraid of posting now, because I wonder how many subhumans can be reading this (and if my own one is, I really want to be more private). I thought, to post we needed to be approved? perhaps, I remember incorrectly.
Harris in his book wrote that if all S were on an island where they’d have to deal with each other, none are likely to survive. I am so afraid of strangers now, am plenty careful and am more able to spot a pathology. However, I am also afraid of going the “other way” and being too careful, too suspicious and labeling. It would not be right if we labeled others who may disagree with us, or presented controversy or pointed out our deficiencies with the disorder. The one line that makes us human is ability to feel the pain of another, ability to feel responsible for own actions and to not look to blame others for each deed, however bad. That, who has not committed a sin, cast the first stone. Fear is a huge motivator. But, if you are not afraid, you are likely to not live by the social norms. Please, challenge me on this, if you think I am wrong in my assumptions.
Katya: I’ve seen that Donna chooses to not interfere with most communication, but she definitely steps forward when she feels someone is being unhelpful or disruptive.
We must remember that anyone could be reading this site, but not posting.
I think it’s important to remember, though, that virtually everyone who is posting here has shown themselves to be very caring and concerned for others. If I were to look at one element that is lacking in the S/P it is the ability to truly love — to bond with another human and to care about their welfare. As you said, the ability to care enough to be able to feel about the pain of another, and not wish to do harm. I think one of the benefits of posting here and communicating with others is that we train ourselves to recognize when we are being loved by others — because, isn’t that what most of our communication here is all about? We come to care about each other, wishing the best for each other, feeling each other’s pain, and not wanting to cause pain to others?
S/Ps are good at faking it, but not at really loving. When we start to see and feel the difference, we’re better able to protect ourselves by spotting the counterfeits. And remember, there are more of US than of THEM.
Love, Rune.
Rune,
Brought good tears to my eyes. Thank you!!!
KATYA,
That is something I worry about myself. I want to protect my self and my love ones but I also don’t want to block out those that can help me learn and understand more. I worry I will protect my self too much and maybe when someone that I can bond with I would turn away out of fear or being too judgmental. I guess we walk a fine line between closing doors to those we should and allowing these doors to stay open to people we want and need in our life.
I hope over time I will learn how to better do this. I know if I close my heart to love, then I will be very lonely for the rest of my life something I don’t want.
hi everyone. I do not want to have a closed heart eiether-but I when i begin to feel happy, it will happen automatically.
I had NC for about 7 weeks from my S and I had a slip 6 days ago. After beating myself up sufficiently-now I’m back in “anger” mode. I keep flashing back to things that happened and just start to feel enraged! Then comes depressed..
I just want to get on with my life, i deserve to have a happy life. not just feeling all my wounds and scars from an 11 year relationship and then another year of him wanting to be best friends where I lost more money, wasted more time and in turn got me to where I am now. Miserable. I know it is my responsibility to make myself happy but I feel emotionally raped. He got my best years (40’s).
When I’m physically tired I even consider ending it all-but I could never leave my 4 dogs and a couple people that are extremely important to me…it would devastate them.
So I’m off to therapy, which is probably the best place I could go right now.
Bless all of you, I will check in later. britney