This week I want to reach out to all of you who feel that you can no longer trust people. Imagine a world where your worst fears have come true, a world where everyone over the age of 15 is a sociopath. What would it be like to live in that world?
If you only read one book this summer, I strongly urge you to read Chimpanzee Politics: Power and Sex Among Apes by Frans de Waal. I have said before that I think the social-brain of sociopaths is similar to that of chimps. Now having read that book I am even more convinced.
Chimpanzee Politics is the true life story of the relationships between individuals of the Arnhem Chimp Colony. Scientists carefully observed, photographed, filmed and recorded every interaction between troop members over several years. I don’t want to give away the story, because it is shocking, and you should read it for yourself. The chimps’ story is presented as a very readable narrative that brings to life all of their individual personalities.
I want to outline here the major findings that help us to understand ourselves and sociopaths.
1) Chimpanzees practice deception extensively. Take this example given on page 36:
Dandy is the youngest and lowest ranking of the four grown males. The other three, and in particular the alpha male, do not tolerate any sexual intercourse between Dandy and the adult females. Nevertheless, every now and again he does succeed in mating with them after having made a “date.” When this happens Dandy and the female pretend to be walking in the same direction by chance, and if all goes well they meet behind a few tree trunks. These dates take place after the exchange of a few glances and in some case a brief nudge.
This kind of mating is frequently associated with signal suppression and concealment. ..Dandy and a female were courting each other surreptitiously. Dandy began to make advances to the female, while at the same time restlessly looking around to see if any of the other males were watching. Male chimpanzees start their advances by sitting with their legs wide apart revealing their erection. Precisely at the point when Dandy was exhibiting his sexual urge in this way Luit, one of the older males, unexpectedly came around the corner. Dandy immediately dropped his hands over his penis concealing it from view.
2) Chimpanzees manipulate and instigate.
3) Chimpanzees fake emotions to get attention and influence others.
4) Chimpanzees hurt one another and only care about the hurt because of what others will think. There is an awareness that hurting is wrong and those who hurt are punished, but they do not appear to care unless someone else sees it.
5) A male chimpanzee will use a “friend” to form a coalition to achieve his aims, then soon after turn on the friend. Male chimps have no problem killing their “friends.”
6) Most interestingly, chimpanzees remember each other and recognize individuals but only females take that a step further and maintain a slightly loyal relationship with another individual. All of the chimps’ loyalties are temporary. Their loyalties are based on exchange. Touch which feels good, sex, food and protection are part of the exchange. They have incredible memories for who they have done favors for, and who has done favors for them. The pleasure they receive due to another’s actions is not lasting and if a coalition is to be maintained, it has to be continually reinforced, with touch, food, sex or some other favor.
7) For chimps, affectionate touching is part of dominance coalition development as opposed to meaningful friendship. In other words, my dog comes to get a caress and kiss me because I am special and he loves me. A chimp engages in the same behavior because he knows it will get him something.
I am very interested in the idea that affection and touching can be part of either love or power motives in humans. It is my observation that many of the worst sociopaths/psychopaths enjoy giving and receiving a touch and a hug. If they are incapable of love how can this be? Is it really all fake? I do not think so. I wrote one of the country’s leading chimpanzee experts about the idea that touching is linked to dominance and power motivation. This is what he replied:
Your recent email was very interesting. Indeed there has been a considerable amount of research on grooming in chimpanzees and it appears that much of male grooming does conform to your hypothesis about grooming being related to dominance status. The grooming is clearly related to achieving or maintaining status and usually does not indicate anything close to affection.
A related phenomenon is the role of grooming in all male patrols in wild chimpanzees. Chimpanzees live in large groups that are highly territorial. All male coalitions sometime form and engage intense grooming among themselves. They proceed in single file towards the territorial boundary, remaining uncharacteristically silent (as if on radio silence). If they then encounter a single male from the adjoining troop they attack him usually killing or severely injuring him. Females or infants from the adjoining population are also sometimes killed.
So grooming in the first case is simply part of a political strategy involving status. In the second case, it seems to solidify group coherence to achieve a rather nasty result.
I offer you this to help you in your recovery: next time you are daydreaming of that wonderful touch from the sociopath you loved, picture the person with the face of a chimp! Get it through your head, the touch was not about love. It was about power and control over you. Like chimps, sociopaths can only retain the pleasure of what you bring them for a short time. The minute you no longer serve a purpose you risk being discarded or worse.
Now go back to imagining a world consumed with deception, fake emotion, manipulation, power and violence. That is the world of the chimpanzee NOT the world of homo sapiens. The majority of our species has the capacity for bonds of affection. Furthermore, for many, many people, real affection and genuine caring even extends to strangers. After reading deWaal’s account, I feel very optimistic about us.
DeWaal drew some interesting conclusions of his own:
Politicians, for example, are vociferous about their ideas and promises but are careful not to disclose personal aspirations for power. This is not meant to be a reproach, because after all everyone plays the same game. I would go further and say that we are largely unaware that we are playing a game and hide our motives not only from others but also underestimate the immense effect they have on our own behavior. Chimpanzees, on the other hand are quite blatant about their “baser” motives. Their interest in power is not greater than that of humanity; it is just more obvious”¦Humans should regard it as an honor to be classified as political animals.
I agree that humans as a species are preoccupied with power and that the preoccupation is no less than that of the chimpanzee. However, balancing that power motive for most of us is an equally strong love motive. The love motive, not our political cunning is our true claim to greatness and honor. Thankfully, for humans, unbalanced power motives, egocentricity and the incapacity for love constitute a disorder and not our way of life.
Brittney Hammer, Just remember, you came out on the other side. We all did. That is all we need to celbrate and know. Damaged, bruised, bewildered, confused. But here. On the other side. Not bitter and playing their game. Just her. Healing, learning, growing, and sticking to what really metters. Connection.
Ther is a weird site i have logged onto, for S’s. All about their needs. A;; abouthow nobody gets their chit. They call “us’……..are you ready??? “EMPATHS”.. tO THEM THE OTHER SIDE IS SOME WEIRD SPECIES THAT HAS EMPATHY.. tHEY SPIT IT OUT LIKE WE ARE DEFICIENT, DERELICT, LACKING.
What I am getting at is every second I devote to trying to have empathy for my socio, I now know he laughs at my deficency, as an EMPATH. I will take the disease above the cure. Empath for life.
peace and love…
PS Sorry for all the typos. Late here. Hugs to all.
Eyeswideshut,
Sounds like that site would make me very angry.
Escapee,
I love how you summed it up “you don’t take it personally if a dog bites you – no matter how hard, do you?” That’s a great point! The Ps and Ss of the world are just doing what they were born to do. I just got in his path by accident and got bitten.
Eyeswideshut, Can you tell us the name of the site you found that is about sociopaths? I found one written by S, and am wondering if its the same.
Its http://www.sociopathworld.com
Very chilling comments but I think it helped me to “hear it from the horses mouth” so to speak.
I just went back to that sight for sociopaths- they were discussing Martha Stouts book about sociopaths- Laughing and mocking the “check lists” to spot sociopathy.
One comment from a S was “let them (the empaths/normals) chase ghosts.” – meaning that they found humor and satisfaction in the fact that we try to educate ourselves on the red flags of a S.
They were mocking our “fear” (however, they NEVER claim that it is unwarranted or overexaggerated.)
One comment from a S said that he was glad the general public didnt read her (Martha Stouts) book because there are truths found in this checklists to spot S traits.
You will see in the website where most S say they are somewhat conflicted or have at least been puzzled ,even afraid of their own thoughts and actions-ie the blogger who stated when his best friend died, he didnt attend the funeral, felt nothing,etc. He stated that he had “warned” friends about his own self and what he is capable of doing to others. He claimed he “always’ goes back to his old behavior (of manipulating, destroying) others.
This site makes my skin crawl. Even the S knows that he is a danger to society but their “holier than thou” pious, glib, concieted attitude supercedes any truths that might lie in the damaged, malfunctioning brain of a S.
Nevertheless, this site should be a must read for all of us to enable us to “get real” about how these subhumans really live.
P.S. One S said she had always had a huge nail biting habit, but discovered on http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed1830804 where S have a huge predisposition to nailbiting-
INTERESTING- My X N/P had a HUGE problem as well with nail biting! (note- i have not yet been to the above site for verification of this fact, and given that it came from a S, I should have researched myself first for the validity of it)but her comment rang true for my experience. I thought it ODD that an adult sat around knawing at his nails with such aggression!
Eyeswideshut,
Thanks for the site link: SOCIOPATHWORLD
Will follow it and it looks interesting and possibly revealing. Thanks!
sabrina,
Before I found LF I had found a few other sites and read many, many post made by self proclaimed or diagnosed sociopaths. Although it often made my skin crawl, I found much of the information valuable. It was there that I really understood (a little better) the wide spectrum of how like any thing else, these disorders have some range. From one end of the spectrum to the other. Also much was learned by the fact that many sociopaths openly disscussed how they came to the “KNOWING” that they were different during their teenage years. And how it seemed to manifest within themselves.
The only time I found these sites to be of no further use is when they would “egg each other” or push each others buttons, occasionaly and all H*** would break loose.
For awile I was on a site that I actively asked many questions to a sociopath about his own childhood and asked him his opinion on the nurture/nature issue. His perception of who he was, was very enlightning.
On the site that you mentioned I found that one comment in particular to be very interesting. About the sociopath personality “thinking” being outside the box and how they have never been INSIDE the box. Hearing a sociopath describe their own behaviors and thinking, from their own perspective is so much different then when the “normals” are saying the SAME things per say, and trying to put in it OUR words from our perspective. It is very chilling to hear how they can read us so well and BECOME whatever they need to become, so we allow them into our lives.
Hi Witsend- Thanks for your comments on those sites. This S site (sociopathicworld.com)brings alot of clarity about really how they think. As I read it, I think
WHY would ANY one associate with this type person?? There is no benefit for US- the S pretty much admits that.
One S asked the question- What is lies? IF the person makes you feel happy WHEN WITH YOU, WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT HE/SHE REALLY THINKS OR DOES WHEN NOT WITH YOU?
SHEESH!!!! – UH- maybeee cause this is REAL life not the movieeess! AND S shouldnt give themselves credit for making ANYONE HAPPY- unless the idea of being “duct taped to the bottom of your car and being dragged by your S, to and fro in aimless/pointless directions makes you HAPPY!
Anyways, I am having a bit of a rough day with flashbacks of sooo many nasty things the X n/p said to me -especially during the months of d&d (devalue, discard.) I cant quite figure out why I didnt say at some point- ANY point during it- WHAAT THE HELL IS WRONG WIth you???
Witsend- Im sorry I meant to ask you about your son b4 I got off on this tangent.. I hope you are doing ok.:)