This week I want to reach out to all of you who feel that you can no longer trust people. Imagine a world where your worst fears have come true, a world where everyone over the age of 15 is a sociopath. What would it be like to live in that world?
If you only read one book this summer, I strongly urge you to read Chimpanzee Politics: Power and Sex Among Apes by Frans de Waal. I have said before that I think the social-brain of sociopaths is similar to that of chimps. Now having read that book I am even more convinced.
Chimpanzee Politics is the true life story of the relationships between individuals of the Arnhem Chimp Colony. Scientists carefully observed, photographed, filmed and recorded every interaction between troop members over several years. I don’t want to give away the story, because it is shocking, and you should read it for yourself. The chimps’ story is presented as a very readable narrative that brings to life all of their individual personalities.
I want to outline here the major findings that help us to understand ourselves and sociopaths.
1) Chimpanzees practice deception extensively. Take this example given on page 36:
Dandy is the youngest and lowest ranking of the four grown males. The other three, and in particular the alpha male, do not tolerate any sexual intercourse between Dandy and the adult females. Nevertheless, every now and again he does succeed in mating with them after having made a “date.” When this happens Dandy and the female pretend to be walking in the same direction by chance, and if all goes well they meet behind a few tree trunks. These dates take place after the exchange of a few glances and in some case a brief nudge.
This kind of mating is frequently associated with signal suppression and concealment. ..Dandy and a female were courting each other surreptitiously. Dandy began to make advances to the female, while at the same time restlessly looking around to see if any of the other males were watching. Male chimpanzees start their advances by sitting with their legs wide apart revealing their erection. Precisely at the point when Dandy was exhibiting his sexual urge in this way Luit, one of the older males, unexpectedly came around the corner. Dandy immediately dropped his hands over his penis concealing it from view.
2) Chimpanzees manipulate and instigate.
3) Chimpanzees fake emotions to get attention and influence others.
4) Chimpanzees hurt one another and only care about the hurt because of what others will think. There is an awareness that hurting is wrong and those who hurt are punished, but they do not appear to care unless someone else sees it.
5) A male chimpanzee will use a “friend” to form a coalition to achieve his aims, then soon after turn on the friend. Male chimps have no problem killing their “friends.”
6) Most interestingly, chimpanzees remember each other and recognize individuals but only females take that a step further and maintain a slightly loyal relationship with another individual. All of the chimps’ loyalties are temporary. Their loyalties are based on exchange. Touch which feels good, sex, food and protection are part of the exchange. They have incredible memories for who they have done favors for, and who has done favors for them. The pleasure they receive due to another’s actions is not lasting and if a coalition is to be maintained, it has to be continually reinforced, with touch, food, sex or some other favor.
7) For chimps, affectionate touching is part of dominance coalition development as opposed to meaningful friendship. In other words, my dog comes to get a caress and kiss me because I am special and he loves me. A chimp engages in the same behavior because he knows it will get him something.
I am very interested in the idea that affection and touching can be part of either love or power motives in humans. It is my observation that many of the worst sociopaths/psychopaths enjoy giving and receiving a touch and a hug. If they are incapable of love how can this be? Is it really all fake? I do not think so. I wrote one of the country’s leading chimpanzee experts about the idea that touching is linked to dominance and power motivation. This is what he replied:
Your recent email was very interesting. Indeed there has been a considerable amount of research on grooming in chimpanzees and it appears that much of male grooming does conform to your hypothesis about grooming being related to dominance status. The grooming is clearly related to achieving or maintaining status and usually does not indicate anything close to affection.
A related phenomenon is the role of grooming in all male patrols in wild chimpanzees. Chimpanzees live in large groups that are highly territorial. All male coalitions sometime form and engage intense grooming among themselves. They proceed in single file towards the territorial boundary, remaining uncharacteristically silent (as if on radio silence). If they then encounter a single male from the adjoining troop they attack him usually killing or severely injuring him. Females or infants from the adjoining population are also sometimes killed.
So grooming in the first case is simply part of a political strategy involving status. In the second case, it seems to solidify group coherence to achieve a rather nasty result.
I offer you this to help you in your recovery: next time you are daydreaming of that wonderful touch from the sociopath you loved, picture the person with the face of a chimp! Get it through your head, the touch was not about love. It was about power and control over you. Like chimps, sociopaths can only retain the pleasure of what you bring them for a short time. The minute you no longer serve a purpose you risk being discarded or worse.
Now go back to imagining a world consumed with deception, fake emotion, manipulation, power and violence. That is the world of the chimpanzee NOT the world of homo sapiens. The majority of our species has the capacity for bonds of affection. Furthermore, for many, many people, real affection and genuine caring even extends to strangers. After reading deWaal’s account, I feel very optimistic about us.
DeWaal drew some interesting conclusions of his own:
Politicians, for example, are vociferous about their ideas and promises but are careful not to disclose personal aspirations for power. This is not meant to be a reproach, because after all everyone plays the same game. I would go further and say that we are largely unaware that we are playing a game and hide our motives not only from others but also underestimate the immense effect they have on our own behavior. Chimpanzees, on the other hand are quite blatant about their “baser” motives. Their interest in power is not greater than that of humanity; it is just more obvious”¦Humans should regard it as an honor to be classified as political animals.
I agree that humans as a species are preoccupied with power and that the preoccupation is no less than that of the chimpanzee. However, balancing that power motive for most of us is an equally strong love motive. The love motive, not our political cunning is our true claim to greatness and honor. Thankfully, for humans, unbalanced power motives, egocentricity and the incapacity for love constitute a disorder and not our way of life.
I had to do it. I checked out the “SociopathWorld”.
I also found some valuable nuggets of information to answer questions that have haunted me for years.
It’s kind of like shopping in a bargain basement. You have to sift through the bullshit to get to the good (relevant) stuff.
I am 35 pages from finishing Martha Stout’s book, “Sociopath Next Door”. Thus far, I have found the book to be right on. I think the reason they mock it over at SociopathWorld is that maybe it hits a little too close to home for a lot of them.
One of them actually posted that his/her biggest fear was being “out-ed” (as a sociopath).
I agree that there is a much larger spectrum of this disorder than I realized, after visiting that site.
P.S. Don’t you love how they post to each other over there? They say things like, “Boy, you are really F***** up.”
But, I guess that is what it boils down to for a lot of them.
They sure won’t admit it in public, though, will they?
Sabrina: “If the person makes you feel happy when with you, why do you care what he/she thinks or does when NOT with you?”
My stomach turned on that one!! My ex-S boyfriend used to say almost those exact words to me when I would question him about things that would go on behind my back. His response would ALWAYS be “What difference does it make?” or “Why do you care?”
Rosa,
Checking out the SociopathWorld myself so please don’t give away the ending, oh that’s right I know how it ends…LOL…
Anyway had to take a power nap due to some unexpected stress and will start reading it again.
James:
I am going to take a shower, because I just came off of SociopathWorld, and then I am going to finish reading my book. 🙂
Rosa, sounds like a plan to me.
Later! 🙂
Sabrina,
I am sorry you are having such a rough day…..I would suppose the reason you didn’t say anything while you were being “devalued” by your X/S is that by past experience you knew it wouldn’t do any good. They have a way of turning everything you would say around to suit themselves anyways.
How are things going with your son?
I had a run in with my son today. This has been kind of in the works for the past few days. The under current beneath the calm. He has been trying to push my buttons over the weekend and I have been trying to just let it go. He has this new thing lately where as he acts as if there is no food in the house. And of course there is food I am just letting him fend for himself when he isn’t around for dinner. When I ask when he works during the week and he is arrogant in his answer if I have plans or am unavailable to give him a ride (because he refuses to tell me ahead of time) I don’t worry about it. He can walk. It’s a long walk. He has become REALLY quite arrogant about his job and acts as if he is entitled to??? I’m not sure what? Acts as if he is the only person who works and is ALWAYS putting my job down because I work alot from home. For some reason he seems to think it isn’t a “real” job because I don’t have to always go “outside” the home to work? When I do work outside the home I do shows and it is long grueling hours. He knows this and yet acts as if I don’t even HAVE a job!
What this is all about I don’t know? Supieriority towards me? If you heard him talk he does everything around here? All the physical labor (his EXACT words)? He DOES NOTHING!!!!! Cuts the grass maybe twice a month. Makes himself a sandwich once in awile. Thats as physical as it gets. I swear his lack of reality, scares me. When someone lies so over the top are they trying to convince themselves or others?
Rosa- The similarities are chilling- with our own personal experiences here AND what S say on that site. And yea, they do talk to each other pretty raw!! I feel really strange on that site- like I am eavesdropping on a bank robbery or something. It FEELS “dark.” I want to scream out to the “empaths”, normals that are questioning the S (as IF the S gives a rats ass about them or the questions) TO COME TO THIS SITE FOR REAL HELP. However, I dont particulary want the S that havent found us here to “study” up using US as their textbooks to learn “How to act human” in order to “catch A human”!!!!
Witsend- OH My gosh, My son says the EXACT same -FOR YEARS when he is around me-especially on stints where he has been living here that I DONT WORK, dont cook,no food(says its all healthy stuff normal people dont eat ecsept me)Its incredible!!!As you may already know, I run a business, am single now and have been for most of my sons life so I work VERY hard. My son actually said that I have never worked as hard as he has!! What a joke.
He said when he was here last, that he did ALL the housework!!! Like you said the lack of reality is maddening!!! It pushes my buttons so hard, b/c its so far from the truth, normal people cant even fathom a comment such as those.
I learned a trick, wish I had figured out sooner- PRETEND if you can, that those comments dont bother you in front of your son.
If you have to get in the car, go down the street SCREAMING your head off- TRY to be AMAZINGLY CALM. He cant torture you with repeated comments that dont get a rise from you.If he knows it sets you off he will do it just for a fireworks show!!
OVer and over again.
I remember my X n/p when fights were going on, he would get my head spinnin’ round, then he would be strangely CALM -all makes sense now with no real emotions, you can turn it on and off at will.
I hate this so bad for you, as I lived the same for so long. I have basically went n/c with my son. The few times since he left that we have spoken, he said such cruel things to me, it just hit me that I might as well have him here again if I ALLOW him to keep abusing me in that way.
I dont feel quilty for NOt calling to check on him. He uses all opportunities to bash me in one way or another. He even makes comments to me like I have a “different” man in my bed every week- AMAZING- I DONT EVEN DATE and HE has never seen a different man other than those I was married to IN MY BED!!! ANother hot button for him to push on with me.
I just remember PRAYING for calmness, praying to NOT SNAP when he came out with the most hideous untrue comments.
I do feel true to sociopathic nature- my sons boredom caused anger, and the need to stir up discord was strong. My son fits the N description perfectly in that his disposition is usually very distrusting, negative, and sullen. When he is “acting” – either for favors or to impress others- he is happy go lucky, the persona of sweet and respectful, but it never lasts longer than the cash he talks you out of.Then he is back to making drama.
Thanks for your insightful comment about why I didnt ask my X about his bad behaviors. You are very perceptive- Same reason I never asked him to pay his fair share- NEVER would of happened. I guess it was avoidance on my part against adding more discomfort in the relationship.
Take care. xoxox
I visited the site and I don’t think it’s very enlightening. Many of those self-proclaimed AsPD/S/Ps consider themselves to be more “highly evolved.”
But I think the perponderance of evidence, including the topic of this very page, supports the opposite: that parts of their brains are inadequately developed.
I also doubt that many of those people are truly AsPD/S/P, it seems to me that they are mostly ill-behaved youngsters who want to think of themselves as special.
Witsend: You are dealing with disordered thinking. Please do not treat it as if your son’s words have any connection to reality. He is young, so his destructive manipulations are not as sly as they might be if he stays on this path.
In your words, “He has become REALLY quite arrogant about his job and acts as if he is entitled to??? I’m not sure what? Acts as if he is the only person who works and is ALWAYS putting my job down because I work alot from home. For some reason he seems to think it isn’t a “real” job because I don’t have to always go “outside” the home to work? When I do work outside the home I do shows and it is long grueling hours. He knows this and yet acts as if I don’t even HAVE a job!
“What this is all about I don’t know? Supieriority towards me? If you heard him talk he does everything around here? All the physical labor (his EXACT words)? He DOES NOTHING!!!!! Cuts the grass maybe twice a month. Makes himself a sandwich once in awile. Thats as physical as it gets. I swear his lack of reality, scares me. When someone lies so over the top are they trying to convince themselves or others?”
Witsend, you are treating his words AS IF THEY WERE VALID. Stop. Every remark is designed to put you on the defensive, and if you are on the defensive, he has control of you.
Stop believing any of his words. That’s how he takes the upper hand. Stop thinking that any of his so-called “judgments: of you have anything to do with you. He is manipulating you into a sense of guilt, when that is completely unjustified. Don’t let him
Deep breath, and remember — you are the adult here. You understand reality. Do not give his words any credit at all. And stay calm and safe.
dsch
Sorry but I would have to disagree with you concerning this Blog “SociopathWorld”. In fact if I was in class studying Psychology and were asked to do a thesis on Personality Disorders and the many aspect of the disorder this site would in fact offer me a world (no pun intended) of information. I do agree that some posters there are of a younger age in fact the author himself might/would fit into this same age bracket. Having only read half of the many entries I can say it hard reading and at times could unleash some unpleasant memories so I would warn others unless one have a deep inquisitiveness about some of the many dimensions and egotistical mind set of an cluster B personality disorder in my opinion this site is best avoided. For here at SociopathWorld the only answers you will find is those you ask yourself.
But thanks for the link sabrina. As we all know SociopathWorld is a fantasy World and most of them who live there are only phantoms of this sociality.