The day after Christmas, I got a lesson in respecting the elements. It was about 35°F, not really that cold, but there was quite a wind chill. The kids and I went to the beach to run the dog on the sand at about 3:30 in the afternoon. We got back to the van at about 5 to discover that good old Mom had lost her keys. (Actually, a prior foster dog had chewed a hole in my jacket pocket and the keys fell out.) I ended up calling a taxi, but we waited in the elements for at least an hour total.
We were all properly dressed with boots, hats, gloves and heavy jackets. In spite of being prepared, we were chilled to the bone when we finally got home. I said to my daughter, “I can see how easy it is to freeze to death in the cold, and why people die when they get stuck in the snow.”
I’m sure most people who live in places where it gets dangerously cold have their own stories to tell. That is why it is so tragic and unbelievable that an Idaho father “allowed” his 11 year old daughter and 12 year old son to attempt to walk 10 miles in the snow Christmas day after their vehicle got stuck.
Temperatures ranged from -5 to 27°F when the two set out from the disabled vehicle. According to the Associated Press, the children were living with their father Robert Aragon and were being driven to visit their mother JoLeta Jenks. “After the sedan got caught in the snow, authorities allege Aragon let the children out to walk to their mother’s house while he and his cousin Kenneth Quintana, 29, stayed behind to free the car. (They freed the car and went home rather than driving to make sure the kids made it.) Jenks said she eventually called Aragon because she was concerned after no one arrived at her home on Thursday.
Aragon had driven back to his hometown of Jerome after letting the kids out to walk to her house, Jenks said.
“I could not believe it,” she said.”
The 12 year old boy was found 4 ½ miles away, delusional from hypothermia. His sister was not so lucky, she was found dead 2 ½ miles away. Fleming (the local Sheriff) said she was wearing only a brown down coat, black shirt, pink pajama pants and tan snowboots.
He reportedly commented, “I’ve never seen anything like this, it was a 10-mile walk, the way they were dressed, it’s just all mind-boggling.”
Incidents like this one are the answer to the “So what?” question. What’s the “So what?” question? It is the response judges and attorneys have to the finding that a parent is a sociopath or has psychopathic personality traits. So What?
DSM IV Sociopathy (Antisocial Personality Disorder) |
5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others. 6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations. |
PCL-R Psychopathy |
10. Poor behavioral controls 13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals 15. Irresponsibility 16. Failure to accept responsibility for actions 17. Many short term marital relationships |
The table above shows that irresponsibility and recklessness are part of sociopathy as defined by the psychiatry’s DSM and psychopathy as defined by the PCL-R.
Why are sociopaths so consistently reckless and irresponsible? These traits get us to the core of the disorder. At the core of the disorder is poor impulse control. What that means is that if there is a situation where the sociopath has to balance pleasure and risk, the sociopath will always choose pleasure over managing risk. Sociopaths are unable to feel fear or concern for consequences during the time they are focused on immediate pleasure or comfort.
In situations like the father and the kids in the snow, the pull to get the car out and go home is stronger than any concern for the kids. While in pursuit of a goal involving pleasure, thoughts of risk or danger simply are not there. So why would a sociopath drive to go find the kids when he can go home and be warm?
Also sociopaths are unable to love so they lack working empathy. Thoughts and feelings of another’s physical suffering simply do not register on the radar. Out of sight, out of mind defines sociopaths and their relationships. The minute the kids set out, they are gone.
Sociopaths also lack moral reasoning ability. That means they are unable to detect and interpret situations that have moral implications. The moral implications of parental responsibility do not register at the time life and death decisions have to be made.
There is not much information regarding Aragon’s psychopathic personality traits. But he does have two drug convictions and often drug abuse/addiction causes these personality traits. I am sure we will learn more about this tragic story over the next few months.
Sadly, most people do not understand sociopathy and how it is disabling for a parent. To expect a sociopath to execute sound judgment or be a protective parent when forced to choose between his pleasure and his child’s pain is like expecting a mentally retarded person to do calculus.
One of our Lovefraud readers, Rune sent me these comments to this story as posted on AOL.
Nanamummy
05:41 AMJan 02 2009
If this man is such a criminal…why did he have custody of the children? Yes, he made a decision which will haunt him for life…..what’s to be gained by putting him in jail for life? Over zealous authorities and a useless justice system…..this case really depresses me.
JAKVINOCUR
04:39 AMJan 02 2009
so we are now putting fathers in jail for stuff like this. seriously whether they went walking or not they would have still needed to be in the snow. the father was only doing what he thought was best. if he was such a bad father than why does he have custody of them over the mother. yes it was a bad judgement on his part but dont you think he has been punished enough by losing his daughter. we will punish people for [heinous] crimes but we still cannot find osama bin laden or even catch murderers here or sex offenders. wheter what he did or not is irrelvent he lost his daughter let him go find peace in his heart. if god can forgive him why cant we. stupid to let this man go to prison.
Keshet333
11:55 PMJan 02 2009
This is a very unfortunate accident. The fact that the man had custody of the children tells me that he was a good father. In situations such as these, decision making is sometimes not the best. This man will be haunted by this for the rest of his life. They should drop all charges. Isn’t he paying enough for his bad judgment?
Russiawthluv
06:08 PMJan 01 2009
Obviously the man did NOT mean to harm his children. His son and daughter lived with him. He took care of their basic, daily needs. Why would he intentionally bring harm to either child when he has taken care of them so well for their entire lives? There’s no doubt in my mind he made an extremely poor decision. Then again, these two kids were more than likely used to snow, rain and other extreme weather, being that they grew up in that climate. The way he is portrayed by the media is simply unacceptable! Especially with the eye-catching headline..”MAN ALLOWS HIS CHILDREN TO WALK 10 MLES IN DEEP SNOW. 11 YEAR DAUGHTER DEAD FROM HYPOTHERMIA.” For the most part, even if this man wanted a fair trial….how’s he ever going to get one if slanderous & severely misconstrued statements were already pumped out to the masses? That man is in bitter anguish. It’s a “life sentence” if you ask me for this individual to have to spend the remainder of his life knowing his poor decision resulted in the…
The comments also indicate that people don’t know that sociopaths frequently get custody of children. One cannot assume that the parent who has custody is “providing for them.”
It is time for family courts to learn to assess sociopathy and its meaning for parenting. The very least they could do in the case of two sociopathic parents is to educate them about their defects. At least we should tell them, “Look, you are missing all of your decision making social brain, so don’t put yourself in a situation where you will have to choose between your child’s welfare and your own comfort!”
FYI AOL has a poll, I participated and got the following results:
Poll Results
Do you think a murder charge is warranted in this case?
No 47% 101,555
Yes 31% 66,279
I’m not sure 22% 46,384
7 Steps,
Music Is a universal language! I almost always practice my dance moves by meself but can rip up a dance floor when in the right mood too. Old time rocknroll and hip hop(I try anyways).
I’m with you when it comes to the cold. I need polar gear when the snow flies here. Pretty much go into hibernation.
This article was heartbreaking and maddening. The injustice in the world sucks big time. I think Oxy said somewhere about a drunken mother drowning her kids only got 2 years and then someone else got 6 years for what was more likely an accident taking 1 person’s life.
I was a little disturbed at how I related to some of the things you talked about happening with your family. That’s somewhere I may have to go someday. I believe there were secrets kept about my childhood for the sake of appearances and saving face. For now I am merrily spared of any real remembrances.
My contact with my sister who judged my relationship with my recent xs has been non existent since november and my mom and I maintain fairly superficial contact. They have no idea how the situation has escalated in the last two months with the xs. I choose not to share cause I just don’t need to give them amunition to shoot me back with. Seems pretty self defeating to give someone the bullets when they have the gun pointed and ready to shoot.
Anyways, I am so thankful for all I have gleaned from reading on this site and the wonderful people that have offered support and share their experiences. And that includes you 7 Steps.
I have never been good at receiving compliments or accepting care for that matter. Too humble and strong for all that. But I take your introduction as a compliment and do so appreciate it. I wish you continued healing and health on your journey! Keep on dancin girl!
This article is for Warrior…….
Its true, it soooooooo true.
Remain strong darlen……keep it up! Your doing great……
Expect a lowpoint, and PREPARE FOR IT!!!
OMG….
I was looking for old posts of Warriors to ‘show’ her…..what she wrote before she went wishy/washy…..
And low and behold….I came across my own….on a thread I brought back upin March.
I posted on March 1, 2010 above…..and Kim dedicated a song to me….another one bites the dust/ Queen.
I also talked about a troll I thought the spath had sent when he was in town….she showed up at my house, never met her and son had met her that day at the ski resort….coincidently…..and she CAME TO MY HOUSE!
Heres the ironcy of this post…..this was the day spath was ARRESTED!!! And kimmies dedicating another one bites the dust.
As I’m freaking out because I had gotten wind spath was in town…..and I HATED my parents and they were doing their usual….and the night before…..this troll shows up at my house….
NOW IT”S CLEAR…..where/who/why this chick was hanging on my son……she asked him if she could have his ski pass for her ‘uncle’ who was in town…..YEAH….UNCLE SPATH!
Spath was trying to have kid busted for loaning out his ski pass…..and my BRILLIANT kiddo….didn’t fall for it…..because he didn’t want to get in trouble!!!! YEAH KIDDO…..shut the spath right on down!
Jr. hasn’t heard from this girl, who mysteriously ‘found’ our house, I saw her driving by 5-6 times on my security monitor before she stopped….just kept circleing……and then parked and knocked…..and I waited for her and her friend to leave and I DRILLED them….because I didn’t recognize them…..and they were VERY VAGUE….and it raised my neck hair…..it was also late at night….
So…..anyways, sorry to go on and on….but I just found this and it sent my head reeling….
The fact of spathass being in Jail and putting the troll together….
She was from Maui, just arrived in town (hmmmm) He just came from Maui (hmmmmm) just arrived in town….
He was hoping to use kids ski pass and then keep it/turn it in as a fraud….BETCHA!!!!!
Kimmie….you had NO IDEA HOW RIGHT ON YOU WERE THAT NIGHT WITH YOUR SONG DEDICATION!!!!!
HA!
Sheesh.
The first time spaths uncle called me was when spath was in jail too!
INTERESTING….
He called to inform me of kids inhertance. I thought it was awful quick….
He said spath doesn’t speak to him…..he’s upset with him….now I know why….HE DIDN”T BAIL HIM OUT….but uncle left out that minor detail.
This was also why uncle was asking if WE were okay….
And ‘what’ happened…in my marriage….
HA ….he already suspected……he knew spath was in jail!!!!
He might have been digging to see if I knew anything…..
and my words were perfect at the time, because I DIN”T know…..
Oh….how things work out for a reason!!!
I gotta go to bed….way toooooo late!!
Nighty night….
Replying to original post:They say drugs can cause these types of behaviours but how can one tell if a person is a sociopath versus a typical drug addict?
The behaviors run deep.
Hard day today. Got interrogatories back from my lawyer, and the sociopath is now in a “committed relationship” with a woman who he met on January 9th. I don’t recall him making any sort of mental note about when we met, so that hurt. My ds had been saying he was “sleeping at her house” for quite a while, and naturally I was curious to see who he hooked his talons into… stupid internet! She’s a photographer, and there’s picture of my ds from APRIL, though he swore to the court he would never even introduce my ds to a new woman until he’d been “committed” for 6 months, so you can do the math on that. She has a nice house, is apparently wealthy, and I’m sure she’s very nice because that’s the women he goes for (before destroying their lives, that is). The worst part is there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Mutual restraining orders took care of that. He also wrote in his papers that he’s many thousands of dollars in debt besides the house he forced into foreclosure, and is planning on declaring bankruptcy. He further wrote that he had to borrow $8,000 from his mother’s credit card to get a lawyer when I “tried to pin a restraining order against me”. (The one he lied his teeth about in court to get out of when I didn’t have an attorney). The woman’s on a fixed income, has MS, and will undoubtedly lose everything, but LOOK! Here’s my new rich girlfriend who I will exploit to take care of all that! AND she’ll help me raise my son because I’m too incompetent and uncaring to waste any time or money doing myself.”
I am really sick over all this. How do these guys get away with it over and over?? He should be in jail over what he did to me, not working his next victim into bankruptcy and despair. God knows what kind of lies he’s telling her about me.
How do you deal with this? How do you let go???
freemama – i don’t know how we let go – one of the things i am still sick over is that she will NEVER stop. but i think asking the question is a darn good place to start.
i have come to know however, that the antidote for the destruction wrought in my life is to live the best life i can. i am challenged in many ways and this will not be easy, but it IS the antidote.
and maybe one answer is: we don’t have control over them. simple. we can’t stop them. like i (not so) jokingly say, ‘spaths: can’t live with them, and can’t kill them with impunity.’
Dear Freemama,
Yes, it is frustrating, and you know that poor woman he is with now is just in the early stages of her victimhood, and even if you could warn her, she is so love-bombed she would not believe a word you said. HE will soak her, ruin her, use and abuse her until she is used up, then he will move on.
Accepting that they “get away with” this sort of thing, that their lies are believed while your truths are ignored or CALLED LIES…it is difficult. We want vindication, we want validation, we want closure, we want it to END!~ Sometimes the only closure we get is what we give to ourselves…accepting that it JUST IS, and we can’t control it, we can’t change it, we can just KNOW OUR OWN TRUTH. We can give ourselves justice and validation.
I used to think I needed validation from others for reality to be real, but no I realize MY OWN VALIDATION is more than good enough. It is FINE! It is RIGHT! It is HEALING!
I don’t have a kid(s) with a psychopath, but the Ps have taken away people I loved, persecuted people I loved, and it hurts….I can’t even imagine how I would feel if I had to “co parent” with one of these monsters. (((hugs)))) and God bless.
Warrior:
I thought of you when I saw this.
There is alot of great info on this site in regards to divorce…..even state by state info.
The only thing to keep in mind is the ‘cooperation’ from a spath…..guarenteed to be NILL.
http://firstwivesworld.com/resources/resource-articles/divvying-everything-family-silver-dvds-during-divorce
Divvying Up Everything from Family Silver to DVDs During Divorce
Sweating The Small Stuff (or not)
Posted to Resource Articles by Janell Weinstein on Fri, 02/06/2009 – 11:16am
In a divorce, it is very important that you take a practical approach when dividing up your marital “stuff” (or as we lawyers like to call it, “personal property”). It makes no sense to spend more money on attorney’s fees or appraisal fees than your “stuff” is worth.
Therefore, heed this Warning: If you are arguing over who gets the “Endless Love” CD or a hairbrush, you and your soon-to-be ex are spiraling out of control. Yes, your “stuff” may have great sentimental value. And yes, telling your soon-to-be ex that you want something that you know he or she will want—just to annoy them—may give you some sense of satisfaction at the time. But you have to stop and regroup.
The most effective approach is for you and your soon-to-be ex to make a list of what you want to take with you after the divorce. Exchange your lists and negotiate the items you both want. In this day and age of technology, this is no reason to fight over photos anymore. Just make copies! And when it comes down to the fishing pole, just give it to him. You can even flip a coin for the unresolved items, especially if these items do not have substantial value.
If you have personal property of great value and you cannot agree on the value and how to divide the items, you will have to get them appraised. You will incur appraisal fees and probably counsel fees in order to resolve the issue.
In most jurisdictions, if you brought personal property into the marriage, these items will be considered separate property and not subject to division. If you purchased items during your marriage, these items will be considered marital property, and are subject to division.
If you inherited personal items during your marriage, these are considered separate property and not subject to division. If you received gifts, given only to you during your marriage, in most jurisdictions these items are considered separate property and not subject to division. However, in some jurisdictions, inter spousal gifts (ie. gifts that you and your spouse have given to each other) may be considered marital property and are subject to division.
If you are concerned that marital items with great sentimental value may disappear from the marital home before you resolve your personal property dispute, take steps to preserve those items. No money in the world can replace the sentimental value. Don’t get rid of them, just keep them in a safe place with a family member or your attorney (if he or she is willing) until there is a resolution of how those items are going to be divided. Remember, your attorney does not have any magical powers to get something back if it disappears.
The bottom line is that you and your soon to be ex-spouse should take a practical approach in dividing your stuff….sweating the small stuff may cost you more in the end.