The day after Christmas, I got a lesson in respecting the elements. It was about 35°F, not really that cold, but there was quite a wind chill. The kids and I went to the beach to run the dog on the sand at about 3:30 in the afternoon. We got back to the van at about 5 to discover that good old Mom had lost her keys. (Actually, a prior foster dog had chewed a hole in my jacket pocket and the keys fell out.) I ended up calling a taxi, but we waited in the elements for at least an hour total.
We were all properly dressed with boots, hats, gloves and heavy jackets. In spite of being prepared, we were chilled to the bone when we finally got home. I said to my daughter, “I can see how easy it is to freeze to death in the cold, and why people die when they get stuck in the snow.”
I’m sure most people who live in places where it gets dangerously cold have their own stories to tell. That is why it is so tragic and unbelievable that an Idaho father “allowed” his 11 year old daughter and 12 year old son to attempt to walk 10 miles in the snow Christmas day after their vehicle got stuck.
Temperatures ranged from -5 to 27°F when the two set out from the disabled vehicle. According to the Associated Press, the children were living with their father Robert Aragon and were being driven to visit their mother JoLeta Jenks. “After the sedan got caught in the snow, authorities allege Aragon let the children out to walk to their mother’s house while he and his cousin Kenneth Quintana, 29, stayed behind to free the car. (They freed the car and went home rather than driving to make sure the kids made it.) Jenks said she eventually called Aragon because she was concerned after no one arrived at her home on Thursday.
Aragon had driven back to his hometown of Jerome after letting the kids out to walk to her house, Jenks said.
“I could not believe it,” she said.”
The 12 year old boy was found 4 ½ miles away, delusional from hypothermia. His sister was not so lucky, she was found dead 2 ½ miles away. Fleming (the local Sheriff) said she was wearing only a brown down coat, black shirt, pink pajama pants and tan snowboots.
He reportedly commented, “I’ve never seen anything like this, it was a 10-mile walk, the way they were dressed, it’s just all mind-boggling.”
Incidents like this one are the answer to the “So what?” question. What’s the “So what?” question? It is the response judges and attorneys have to the finding that a parent is a sociopath or has psychopathic personality traits. So What?
| DSM IV Sociopathy (Antisocial Personality Disorder) |
| 5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others. 6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations. |
| PCL-R Psychopathy |
| 10. Poor behavioral controls 13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals 15. Irresponsibility 16. Failure to accept responsibility for actions 17. Many short term marital relationships |
The table above shows that irresponsibility and recklessness are part of sociopathy as defined by the psychiatry’s DSM and psychopathy as defined by the PCL-R.
Why are sociopaths so consistently reckless and irresponsible? These traits get us to the core of the disorder. At the core of the disorder is poor impulse control. What that means is that if there is a situation where the sociopath has to balance pleasure and risk, the sociopath will always choose pleasure over managing risk. Sociopaths are unable to feel fear or concern for consequences during the time they are focused on immediate pleasure or comfort.
In situations like the father and the kids in the snow, the pull to get the car out and go home is stronger than any concern for the kids. While in pursuit of a goal involving pleasure, thoughts of risk or danger simply are not there. So why would a sociopath drive to go find the kids when he can go home and be warm?
Also sociopaths are unable to love so they lack working empathy. Thoughts and feelings of another’s physical suffering simply do not register on the radar. Out of sight, out of mind defines sociopaths and their relationships. The minute the kids set out, they are gone.
Sociopaths also lack moral reasoning ability. That means they are unable to detect and interpret situations that have moral implications. The moral implications of parental responsibility do not register at the time life and death decisions have to be made.
There is not much information regarding Aragon’s psychopathic personality traits. But he does have two drug convictions and often drug abuse/addiction causes these personality traits. I am sure we will learn more about this tragic story over the next few months.
Sadly, most people do not understand sociopathy and how it is disabling for a parent. To expect a sociopath to execute sound judgment or be a protective parent when forced to choose between his pleasure and his child’s pain is like expecting a mentally retarded person to do calculus.
One of our Lovefraud readers, Rune sent me these comments to this story as posted on AOL.
Nanamummy
05:41 AMJan 02 2009
If this man is such a criminal…why did he have custody of the children? Yes, he made a decision which will haunt him for life…..what’s to be gained by putting him in jail for life? Over zealous authorities and a useless justice system…..this case really depresses me.
JAKVINOCUR
04:39 AMJan 02 2009
so we are now putting fathers in jail for stuff like this. seriously whether they went walking or not they would have still needed to be in the snow. the father was only doing what he thought was best. if he was such a bad father than why does he have custody of them over the mother. yes it was a bad judgement on his part but dont you think he has been punished enough by losing his daughter. we will punish people for [heinous] crimes but we still cannot find osama bin laden or even catch murderers here or sex offenders. wheter what he did or not is irrelvent he lost his daughter let him go find peace in his heart. if god can forgive him why cant we. stupid to let this man go to prison.
Keshet333
11:55 PMJan 02 2009
This is a very unfortunate accident. The fact that the man had custody of the children tells me that he was a good father. In situations such as these, decision making is sometimes not the best. This man will be haunted by this for the rest of his life. They should drop all charges. Isn’t he paying enough for his bad judgment?
Russiawthluv
06:08 PMJan 01 2009
Obviously the man did NOT mean to harm his children. His son and daughter lived with him. He took care of their basic, daily needs. Why would he intentionally bring harm to either child when he has taken care of them so well for their entire lives? There’s no doubt in my mind he made an extremely poor decision. Then again, these two kids were more than likely used to snow, rain and other extreme weather, being that they grew up in that climate. The way he is portrayed by the media is simply unacceptable! Especially with the eye-catching headline..”MAN ALLOWS HIS CHILDREN TO WALK 10 MLES IN DEEP SNOW. 11 YEAR DAUGHTER DEAD FROM HYPOTHERMIA.” For the most part, even if this man wanted a fair trial….how’s he ever going to get one if slanderous & severely misconstrued statements were already pumped out to the masses? That man is in bitter anguish. It’s a “life sentence” if you ask me for this individual to have to spend the remainder of his life knowing his poor decision resulted in the…
The comments also indicate that people don’t know that sociopaths frequently get custody of children. One cannot assume that the parent who has custody is “providing for them.”
It is time for family courts to learn to assess sociopathy and its meaning for parenting. The very least they could do in the case of two sociopathic parents is to educate them about their defects. At least we should tell them, “Look, you are missing all of your decision making social brain, so don’t put yourself in a situation where you will have to choose between your child’s welfare and your own comfort!”
FYI AOL has a poll, I participated and got the following results:
Poll Results
Do you think a murder charge is warranted in this case?
No 47% 101,555
Yes 31% 66,279
I’m not sure 22% 46,384
Warrior:
This is also a good link.
It is about taking control of your divorce financially.
http://firstwivesworld.com/resources/resource-articles/3-steps-take-control-your-divorce-financially
Such a sad story. And yes, a p would do just as Oxy said, one of the children say we’ll walk, the p pissed off because he is inconvienced says ok walk then. In his twisted mind he isn’t responsible for what happens because they wanted to walk. Funny thing is my N’s father did about the same thing to him when he was a teenager. My N crushed his nose by hitting a mail box doing about 50 on a snowmobile. After he and his parents left the hospital they went to retrieve the snowmobile. My N was in the car with his mom, his N dad on the snowmobile. At one point my N found a need to warn his N dad that there was a bad dip coming up, so he got out of the car to warn his dad. His N dad angerily ignored him and kept going. Get this his mom left too. He walked about a mile and a half with a nose stuffed full of gauze in the freezing cold. When he got home, his nose was bleeding again and they both were just sitting at the table. He went to the bathroom and tryed to restuff the gauze as best as he could.
I felt sorry for him over this, and still do. In hindsight, however, I wish I would have run like hell after hearing this story and felt sorry from a
distance.
Dear Justus,
Actually that story YOUR X TOLD may never have happened, or it might have. There are two ways to look at the stories they tell.
1) they make up “tragic childhoods” of abuse so you will pity them and they can say, “Oh, it’s just my tragic loveless childhood that made me do X, Y or Z”
2) it really did happen, or they were abused by a psychopathic parent. There is a big genetic component so many psychopaths have either a psychopathic parent or grandparent or close relative who may indeed have abused them.
So QUIT FEELING SORRY FOR HIM, that was the point of his story “FEEL SORRY FOR ME AND THAT WAY WHEN I STAB YOU IN THE BACK, YOU’LL FORGIVE ME AND TRUST ME AGAIN.”
Write that 500 times and turn in before the end of school today! LOL 🙂
Seriously, take his tales with a GRAIN of salt that is the size of Mount Rushmore!
Oxy,
I got enough work just getting my 8 year old to write his sentences for homework, quit telling me to write sentences. LOL.
Oh, no the parts he tells are real. He has a plastic nose. He is just like his dad, very smug, very controlling of his family and NEVER wrong and if you never question him, submit 100 percent of the time and never inconvienence him he is very charming. What I question is what he doesn’t tell, like perhaps his mom asked him if he wanted her to wait for him and he yells “just go”. I don’t know if this happened but I am betting it did.
His mom is extremely passive, unlike anything I have ever seen in my life. She was diagosed about 10 years ago with some disorder on the lines of scysophrenia and his dad with someting else, I don’t recall the words of the phycologist. But he told me and my N that he hadn’t seen it in 20 years.
BTW he isn’t my X, I am living it. It scares me a bit that he might find this site and see these posts because he would know it is me.
Dear Justus,
I am sorry you are LIVING IT! I have little short term memory so it is sometimes difficult keeping stories and posters straight. I am soooo sorry. Have you started to make plans for escape? We can support you emotionally here but we can’t live it for you. ((((hugs))))) I wish we could!
I am playing the game day by day, one small move at a time, like playing a chess game. He moves, I move, and I am good at Chess soo…….. Frankly, I am hoping he will find another supply source since I won’t let him suck anymore supply out of me. And, then there is that little voice in the back of my head that says a miracle will happened like with Paul on the road to Damascus. Either way, I win, just by playing a smart game of chess. Don’t hit me on my head with your skillet over the miracle thing.
Dear Justus,
Darling I won’t boink you, you are over 21 and you can make your own decisions. I just gave EB the “award” for NON-enabling this morning for letting her son Jr. sink or swim about going back to school this year. It is HARD not to wish for a miracle. Believe me I wished for a miracle to reform my P son for 24 years (since he was 15) and it didn’t happen and ONLY when he tried to have me MURDERED did I finally WAKE UP and see the hand writing on the wall.
I think of King David and his son Absalom and how David continued to enable Absalom until after Absalom tried to have him killed and caused civil war, and even then David WEPT loudly for ABSALOM not for the tens of thousands of others that had sacrificed their sons to save the kingdom for David–finally David’s general came in and told him how selfish and UNGRATEFUL he was being to weep for the PSYCHOPATH son, when all these others had sacrficed to save him.
I can IDENTIFY WITH THAT. David, however, was a man after God’s own heart and when he saw his own sin, he REPENTED of it, and in this case, got up and washed his face and quit bellering for the loss of the psychopath. I don’t know how he felt later but at least he realized he had been wrong in enabling that young man who became a monster in the end.
When I read that story in the Bible as I was hiding out from my own son (Like King David hid from King Saul) I realized I had so much in common with David. I’m not sure why God allowed Saul to try to kill David and why David had to flee, but there was a LESSON OUT THERE IN THE WILDERNESS FOR DAVID, and there sure was ONE LESSON FOR ME. I must not keep on hoping that a person who has turned their back on God and embraced sin will “reform.”
If you remember, Paul was DOING WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS RIGHT when he was persecuting Christians. The psychopaths KNOW THEY ARE DOING WRONG. They don’t care. They don’t repent, they don’t change.
Who you live with and how and for how long is YOUR DECISION, not mine. My only role in this is to give you an opinion if you want it and to pray for you—but only you can live your life! (((hugs)))) and my prayers for your peace and wisdom.
Yeah, I know Paul was doing what he THOUGHT was right, the mircale I look for is just that, that he thinks he is doing what is right but will see the light. I know, I know……but
1 Corthinians 13 lives in my soul…..faith, hope and love, these three things we have……I can’t help it, at this point anyway.
Dear Justus,
“I can’t help it” is the biggest form of denial I had for DECADES…but I eventually realized I COULD HELP IT BY SEEING THE TRUTH, no matter HOW PAINFUL it was. And believe me, it was VERY PAINFUL.
Only this last January did I have another melt down when I realized that my “good” son C was willing to look me in the eye and LIE TO ME as well. Not a “mean lie” or stealing from me, he isn’t a psychopath, but he was disrespectful enough to KNOWINGLY LIE TO ME, BREAK AN AGREEMENT, and then try to blame me for it. I WON’T tolerate that kind of behavior from those I love and trust. I WON’T TOLERATE people who have no respect for me, NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE.
In the past when son C (the non-psychopath) would lie to me or whatever the Problem was, I would restore TRUST when he said “sorry”—but his sorry never lasted. He would go right back to lying etc again and he KNEW THIS TIME THAT THE BOUNDARY WAS THERE and he didn’t respect it. NO LIES. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA….
JEsus and St. Paul both told us that when a brother offends us and is sinning we should go to him privately and talk about it. If that doesn’t work, take witnesses, and if that doesn’t work take it to the church (community) if that doesn’t make them change their ways then NO CONTACT. The PURPOSE of this is so that they may see the error of their ways and change. Paul said “not even to eat with them.”
My son C has had chance after chance and he does NOT see the error of his ways consistently and make amends, so NC on my part (and no longer trusting him, though I have FORGIVEN him, gotten the bitterness out of my heart) is for the purpose of him seeing the errors of his ways. I hope and pray he does, but I do NOT have any expectation he will.
As far as the psychopathic son, ditto…but, him I FEAR, and I don’t fear the other son.
My egg donor, I did all those things with, and she still LIES and comforts the man who attempted to murder me. (My P son) so it is NC with her. At first I thought I would DIE from pain. The same with my P son and son C, but you know, I didn’t die, and I am no longer GRIEVING over the “loss” of what I THOUGHT (wrongly as it seems) that they loved me.
Love is not a FEELING it is an ACTION. “Love your neighbor” means to treat them well, it doesn’t mean to have a squishy feeling for them. Only people who LOVE me are in my circle of trust and those that show by their ACTIONS that they do not LOVE me are OUT….and out of my life. All I can do is to pray for them.
OxDrover;
Your comment regarding the genetic component is right-on.
My x-spath’s father left him at 4 years old. He hated his father so much he refused to visit his father while the man was terminally ill, nor did he go to his father’s funeral.
That is a huge red flag I ignored. Instead, I went for the pity-play, that both his mother and father were terminally ill and in the same hospital at the same time.
If I only knew then what I know now…