The day after Christmas, I got a lesson in respecting the elements. It was about 35°F, not really that cold, but there was quite a wind chill. The kids and I went to the beach to run the dog on the sand at about 3:30 in the afternoon. We got back to the van at about 5 to discover that good old Mom had lost her keys. (Actually, a prior foster dog had chewed a hole in my jacket pocket and the keys fell out.) I ended up calling a taxi, but we waited in the elements for at least an hour total.
We were all properly dressed with boots, hats, gloves and heavy jackets. In spite of being prepared, we were chilled to the bone when we finally got home. I said to my daughter, “I can see how easy it is to freeze to death in the cold, and why people die when they get stuck in the snow.”
I’m sure most people who live in places where it gets dangerously cold have their own stories to tell. That is why it is so tragic and unbelievable that an Idaho father “allowed” his 11 year old daughter and 12 year old son to attempt to walk 10 miles in the snow Christmas day after their vehicle got stuck.
Temperatures ranged from -5 to 27°F when the two set out from the disabled vehicle. According to the Associated Press, the children were living with their father Robert Aragon and were being driven to visit their mother JoLeta Jenks. “After the sedan got caught in the snow, authorities allege Aragon let the children out to walk to their mother’s house while he and his cousin Kenneth Quintana, 29, stayed behind to free the car. (They freed the car and went home rather than driving to make sure the kids made it.) Jenks said she eventually called Aragon because she was concerned after no one arrived at her home on Thursday.
Aragon had driven back to his hometown of Jerome after letting the kids out to walk to her house, Jenks said.
“I could not believe it,” she said.”
The 12 year old boy was found 4 ½ miles away, delusional from hypothermia. His sister was not so lucky, she was found dead 2 ½ miles away. Fleming (the local Sheriff) said she was wearing only a brown down coat, black shirt, pink pajama pants and tan snowboots.
He reportedly commented, “I’ve never seen anything like this, it was a 10-mile walk, the way they were dressed, it’s just all mind-boggling.”
Incidents like this one are the answer to the “So what?” question. What’s the “So what?” question? It is the response judges and attorneys have to the finding that a parent is a sociopath or has psychopathic personality traits. So What?
| DSM IV Sociopathy (Antisocial Personality Disorder) |
| 5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others. 6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations. |
| PCL-R Psychopathy |
| 10. Poor behavioral controls 13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals 15. Irresponsibility 16. Failure to accept responsibility for actions 17. Many short term marital relationships |
The table above shows that irresponsibility and recklessness are part of sociopathy as defined by the psychiatry’s DSM and psychopathy as defined by the PCL-R.
Why are sociopaths so consistently reckless and irresponsible? These traits get us to the core of the disorder. At the core of the disorder is poor impulse control. What that means is that if there is a situation where the sociopath has to balance pleasure and risk, the sociopath will always choose pleasure over managing risk. Sociopaths are unable to feel fear or concern for consequences during the time they are focused on immediate pleasure or comfort.
In situations like the father and the kids in the snow, the pull to get the car out and go home is stronger than any concern for the kids. While in pursuit of a goal involving pleasure, thoughts of risk or danger simply are not there. So why would a sociopath drive to go find the kids when he can go home and be warm?
Also sociopaths are unable to love so they lack working empathy. Thoughts and feelings of another’s physical suffering simply do not register on the radar. Out of sight, out of mind defines sociopaths and their relationships. The minute the kids set out, they are gone.
Sociopaths also lack moral reasoning ability. That means they are unable to detect and interpret situations that have moral implications. The moral implications of parental responsibility do not register at the time life and death decisions have to be made.
There is not much information regarding Aragon’s psychopathic personality traits. But he does have two drug convictions and often drug abuse/addiction causes these personality traits. I am sure we will learn more about this tragic story over the next few months.
Sadly, most people do not understand sociopathy and how it is disabling for a parent. To expect a sociopath to execute sound judgment or be a protective parent when forced to choose between his pleasure and his child’s pain is like expecting a mentally retarded person to do calculus.
One of our Lovefraud readers, Rune sent me these comments to this story as posted on AOL.
Nanamummy
05:41 AMJan 02 2009
If this man is such a criminal…why did he have custody of the children? Yes, he made a decision which will haunt him for life…..what’s to be gained by putting him in jail for life? Over zealous authorities and a useless justice system…..this case really depresses me.
JAKVINOCUR
04:39 AMJan 02 2009
so we are now putting fathers in jail for stuff like this. seriously whether they went walking or not they would have still needed to be in the snow. the father was only doing what he thought was best. if he was such a bad father than why does he have custody of them over the mother. yes it was a bad judgement on his part but dont you think he has been punished enough by losing his daughter. we will punish people for [heinous] crimes but we still cannot find osama bin laden or even catch murderers here or sex offenders. wheter what he did or not is irrelvent he lost his daughter let him go find peace in his heart. if god can forgive him why cant we. stupid to let this man go to prison.
Keshet333
11:55 PMJan 02 2009
This is a very unfortunate accident. The fact that the man had custody of the children tells me that he was a good father. In situations such as these, decision making is sometimes not the best. This man will be haunted by this for the rest of his life. They should drop all charges. Isn’t he paying enough for his bad judgment?
Russiawthluv
06:08 PMJan 01 2009
Obviously the man did NOT mean to harm his children. His son and daughter lived with him. He took care of their basic, daily needs. Why would he intentionally bring harm to either child when he has taken care of them so well for their entire lives? There’s no doubt in my mind he made an extremely poor decision. Then again, these two kids were more than likely used to snow, rain and other extreme weather, being that they grew up in that climate. The way he is portrayed by the media is simply unacceptable! Especially with the eye-catching headline..”MAN ALLOWS HIS CHILDREN TO WALK 10 MLES IN DEEP SNOW. 11 YEAR DAUGHTER DEAD FROM HYPOTHERMIA.” For the most part, even if this man wanted a fair trial….how’s he ever going to get one if slanderous & severely misconstrued statements were already pumped out to the masses? That man is in bitter anguish. It’s a “life sentence” if you ask me for this individual to have to spend the remainder of his life knowing his poor decision resulted in the…
The comments also indicate that people don’t know that sociopaths frequently get custody of children. One cannot assume that the parent who has custody is “providing for them.”
It is time for family courts to learn to assess sociopathy and its meaning for parenting. The very least they could do in the case of two sociopathic parents is to educate them about their defects. At least we should tell them, “Look, you are missing all of your decision making social brain, so don’t put yourself in a situation where you will have to choose between your child’s welfare and your own comfort!”
FYI AOL has a poll, I participated and got the following results:
Poll Results
Do you think a murder charge is warranted in this case?
No 47% 101,555
Yes 31% 66,279
I’m not sure 22% 46,384
one-step:
That about sums it up: it’s not about right or wrong but legal or illegal. The monster in my life pushes the envelope to the limit but is very careful never to go over the edge. Of course, he has a lawyer on the payroll who is every bit as psychopathic as he is, telling him what to do and not to do and crafting the lies for him, all for the low, low price of $275/hour which the monster doesn’t even pay half the time (but that’s a story for another day).
Spirit:
You hit the nail right on the head, their emotional/psychological growth is stunted. I think they all start as Narcissists and inmaturity is one of the cornerstones of Narcissism. The monster in my life is a wuzz. The new wife drags him on a tight leash which is another reason why he’s come back after me. She’s taken his power, she’s hurt his ego and he figures that I’m always easy pickings and a steady power supply for his sickness.
QS and one step – sociopaths have no morals at all – I believe the one I new at least was capable of absolutely ANYTHING if the opportunity presented itself in such a way that it wouldn’t be seen as detrimental to him. (‘seen as detrimental to him’ e.g: to most of us getting caught cheating and having your wife/girlfriend leave you, would be seen as detrimental, but that is of no concern, only losing the money supply connected or the great opportunity as tools the children represent would be cause for concern.)
Ditto, blueskies, the monster in my life would do anything insomuch as he thinks he can get away with it but, as I said before, he does draw the line on illegal. If he didn’t, he’d be out there raping, killing and torturing women.
Dear QS,
“If he didn’t” (draw the line on illegal) (quote) The thing is, you can never be sure that they DO draw the line, just that they have NOT YET BEEN CAUGHT….unfortunately, like the BTK killer or the Unibomber, it takes years (if ever) to actually catch them.
I saw a documentary film on the Unibomber (his brother turned him in) and to this day, he is mad at his brother for being a snitch, and no remorse for what HE did. TYPICAL attitude of the Ps.
The brother and mother actually apologized to the victims for what “their family” had done to the victims. Assumed the shame. The P never assumed any shame or remorse, only anger at his brother for turning him in. Typical.
OxDrover:
You’re right on that. Self-righteousness is at the core of what they are. I have so many horror stories with that monster that come to mind, this one in particular: our home had a narrow hallway between the bedrooms. One day, I was standing way half thru and he came barreling down. He pushed me and stepped on my foot. I said nothing, simply gave him a cold stare. He turned around and in an anger said to me “well, what do you want? It’s not my fault, I’m a husky guy, you should have moved when you saw me coming.” Now, isn’t that just analogous to the story you just related only within a social rather than criminal context?
What doesn’t cease to amaze me is how I missed all of this before. It all makes so much sense now from beginning to end. It doesn’t make it any better but at least it makes it puts it into context.
Dear QS,
Your example is so typical of the self-justification of the Ps for the things they do. It would never have occurred to him to WAIT until you finished walking through the hall so that he wouldn’t step on you. Instead, it was (in his mind) your fault he stepped on you. So typical.
My P son blames me for him going to jail at age 20 for a murder he committed, because when he was 17 I turned him in to the law for a theft. It is, therefore MY fault he is in jail 3 years later for another crime he committed 3 years later. DUH?? I can’t figure out how, but he KNOWS it is true. LOL
BTW, the girl he killed was murdered because she snitched him out to a crime they were both involved with, and she therefore DESERVED to die (in his mind at least) but he even lies to his inmate buddies about who and why he killed. The last story I heard from one of them was he said he was in some drug deal and another man killed his wife and he killed the drug dealer in revenge. Sounds more macho I guess than killing a 17 yr old unarmed girl by shooting her in the head at close range and leaving her body for weeks exposed in a field.
Even though I knew my P son was a “lot of things” finding out that he was a cold blooded murderer was devastating, but I even let him convince me at one point that he was “sorry.” I bought into the fantasy that he was going to get out eventually on parole and “go straight.” Now I know he never had any intention of doing that. When he realized I was no longer his dupe, he tried to have me killed. I’m still alive, and will do my best to keep it that way, but I know he will never give up trying.
I will also never give up contesting his parole though, and I hope he stays in prison forever. I’ll do my best to see that he is never released to kill another person with his own hands. Even after I am dead, I have made provision for money to be used to hire attorneys to contest him ever getting out on parole.
Wow OxDrover:
Im sorry to hear all that happened and you had to deal with it. It rings a bell to me though, in a differnet way, as you seem to be an enlightened and empathetic mother whose son duped one too many times and you’ve seen the light. My ex’s mother wants soooooooo SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad for her son to be ‘better’ and to have ‘learned his lesson’ and see him as a ‘changed man’ that she STILL enables him and his disgustingness.
She has written me emails basically, at least in my interpretation, that say she knows all the damage he has caused and she seemed to be able to empathasize with me very well. She has said things like ‘I have never seen anyone try so hard to overcome their bad tendencies’…and ‘I would caution you to not want to know any more than you do as it wouldnt necessarily help the situation’…and ‘I know he is a loving man and I am so happy he has finally realized it himself’.
Im wondering, as a parent, when and how do you come to a point where you HAVE to accept this person for EXACTLY who (s)he is? How do you come to the place where you CAN validate others experience because YOU have lived it yourself? And how sick is it that she knows alot of our ‘problems’, yet still chooses to sick up for him.
robxsykobabe,
It would be any parents nightmare to have a child with any kind of illness that would be considered non-treatable.
Think about it…It is hard to even imagine it. Let alone accept it, if it were your reality.
Now take it one step further….If it was cancer or some other illness , as a mother you could be there for your child, regardless of their age. Loving and caring for them in ALL ways during their illness. Unconditionally. That is how it should be if you have a sick child.
Now try to imagine that your child is personality disordered. A non treatable illness. Its not an easy thing to accept.
Just because it is a mental illness rather than a physical illness does not change anything. As a parent you STILL find it hard to cope with the cold hard truth.
As a parent you are in a world of pain. Because your kid is sick and there is no doctor that can fix this
Possibly your exs mother doesn’t even “know” whats wrong with him. Just that something IS. If she doesn’t have knowledge of this disorder, she is hoping against hope that he will “improve” or “get better”. And even if she DOES put a label on this disorder and knows something about it…..She is probably in denial. Maybe full blown denial, or maybe partial denial.
His mother is probably not going to validate you. She is in her world of pain & you are in yours. True, that you are both feeling the “pain” that was inflicted by the same person, her son….
But it is going to be difficult for you to “connect” with her on the level that you would like to connect.
I am not trying to “excuse” her enabeling him or her behavior towards you.
I am just trying to say that maybe her perspective is coming from a different place. She might NEVER accept him for exactly who he is. And she may NEVER come to that place where she can validate you in any way for what you have been through.
That doesn’t make it right. But it is what it is. Many people do not come out of denial because the truth is to painful.
This is a painful truth for her.
Witsend:
Ahhhh…as Ive said before, sometimes hearing the same thing in a different way makes it make sense! You are the ‘outsider’ looking in on my account of the situation, yet you have seemed to ‘make sense’ to me. THANK YOU!
Something that is strange to me is that she is not in full denial when things are on her terms. Like when SHE wants to write about the damage hes caused HER or when SHE wants to tell HER story to me. Strangely, though, when I have told her my story, thats when she becomes disconnected and aloof.
You have given me lots to think about today and for that Im grateful!
Thank you-
Oxdrove:
I, too, am so sorry to hear about your son and your ordeal. I guess there are much worse cases than mine out there. But, you do understand…
A Narcissistic trait of the Ps is to filter out inconvenient details so as to taylor the truth to fit their perception of things. I couldn’t figure this one out for years until I read that bit, then, it all made sense. Your son is doing exactly the same thing as the monster in my life, he’s taken a grain of salt and twisted it around to fit “his” reality. The most disturbing part is how they believe it though. The P in my life could be put thru a life detector and he would pass it with flying colors.