Over the years, hearing many victim stories, I often felt the pain and loss of “stolen lives.” Note that having one’s life stolen is not the same process as giving one’s life away. There are some who spend 30 or more years in a relationship with a sociopath/psychopath and it is important people understand that there is always coercion involved in the process of making and maintaining these relationships.
Consider that the coercive behavior that begins and maintains relationships occurs on a continuum from persuasion, to lying/manipulation to taking someone physically by force. The point is that there was never informed, freely given consent. If the victim had known the truth of what they were dealing with, they never would have been in the relationship. The person they thought they were with and the life they thought they had, did not exist. As this website points out, the perpetrator was a fraud.
This kind of fraud should be a crime, especially when it results in pregnancy, but that is a discussion for another day.
As you are recovering and living what is left of your stolen life, you might gain inspiration from someone who experienced extreme relationship coercion, Jaycee Dugard, a woman who was kidnapped at age 11 and held 18 years. I highly recommend her book, A Stolen Life.
In the book, Jaycee tells the story of her: abduction, the birth of her two daughters when she was 14 and 16, her daily life and eventual rescue. The book is so well written, I felt close to her as I read it and so grateful she had the bravery to tell her story. This is one of the best descriptions of life with a psychopath that has ever been written. If you lived with a psychopath you will relate to the twisted reality she endured. Also consider that she presses on, making the best of the life she has left and so can you!
This quote gives you a taste of the twisted reality, you may relate to:
“I gave my power to my abductor. I was the one to comfort him when he was the one in the wrong. Where was my comfort? Where was my freedom? Why did I feel the need to comfort my tormentor? Violating my body was not enough? He had to violate my mind as well? He had the ability to turn every situation to suit his needs.”
If you like Jaycee, were coerced into giving up your power, you can also decide today to take it back.
For more on this story, watch Jaycee Dugard interview: Diane Sawyer speaks candidly with survivor.
[youtube_sc url=http://youtu.be/hIvctbfcBx8]
Truthspeak
Liane, thank you for this timely article. Seriously, it’s timely for me in that I really need to keep my own situation in perspective. And, as I always type, I read what I need to on this site, precisely when I need to read it.
I agree that the coercion should be defined as an actual crime.
Brightest blessings, and thank you for this on-time article.
LPMarie13
I need to get this book. My situation is a struggle, and I am so angry and resentful lately, but as Truthy said above, “I really need to keep my own situation in perspective.” Boy, isn’t that the truth! I didn’t have 18 years of my life stolen by a psychopathic pedophile. Jaycee is inspirational. She is resiliant!
darwinsmom
I just saw a great movie about the madness of it all, and yet how humans have the capability to live as if everything is normal, day to day business, depsite the shocking madness going on.
Have any of you ever seen “Festen”? It’s a Danish movie of a father celebrating his 60th birthday and the family and friends joining at the giant mansion to celebrate his birthday. He has two sons, one showing the typical signs of a spath the other a kind mediating and enabling soul, and two daughters. But one of the daughters, twin sister of the mediating son, committed suicide a few months before that. The other sister finds a suicide note but you don’t get to know the content until nearly the end of the movie. The celebration starts and it’s obvious at least with the youngest son some disfunctioning is present in the family. The oldest son gives a celebration speech where he drops the bomb of him and his twin sisters (who committed suicide) being raped by their father when they were children. But at first nobody responds to it much, the dinner party keeps on going, speeches to honor the father keep on going. Everybody pretty ignores the exposing act of the eldest son. The sole sister who still lives is the first to tell everyone else her brother is a liar, the father threatens his eldest son of revealing what a nutcase he is, the mother gives a speech about how he was always a kid with a lot of fantasy and who had a made-up invisible friend (but who once witnessed the act and was ordered to leave the room and did)… The eldest son wants to leave the party after his first reveal and go home (Paris where he has two restaurants), but he finds friends in the staff who serve the meal and drinks as well as his sister’s boyfriend. They ensure that nobody can leave (by taking the car keys and hiding them) and has to sit through the party. It eventually becomes a powerplay of truth versus denial (portrayed by continuing the party), who supports who.
It’s filmed in a realistic way. The camera shots are grainy and kindof wobbly, and the actors behave in an everyday way (even the spathic brother), which gives it a very realistic feel, as if you’re one of the guests at the dinner table.
MoonDancer
Darwins,
That sound’s like a great movie. One of those family’s that pretend like nothing wrong happened. How familiar it sound’s to my life..The abuser’s walk upright and have the respect of everybody, the victim’s walk with their head’s down and are called the crazy ones.
darwinsmom
Exactly, Hens! People keep pretending like nothing wrong happened, and at the same time it makes this ‘business as usual’ attitude totally surreal. All of us have experienced this surreal behaviour by people we counted on to love us, to support us and care about s.
It’s a surreal movie because of that attitude, and yet beautifully performed, and it has a purging sense. It becomes pretty nasty with the accusing son being cast and denial having the upperhand, but some people remain in support of the son and in their own small ways help break the denial into acceptance.
The ending is pure justice, again in a non-dramatic, small way. By the time it’s breakfast, and everyone is pretending as if nothing happened the previous night, the spathic son whispers to his father (who just gave an apologetic speech for what he did to his children) to leave the table so they can actually finally enjoy their meal.
MoonDancer
sweet justice..
cappuccinoqueen
Thanks for this post Liane. I do sometimes feel like my life has been stolen from me. I have thought a lot about Jaycee Dugard and I am certainly going to put her book on my list of “to reads” next. The thing that is tough about what psychopaths do to most of us is that it appears as though its court sanctioned abuse. Everyone looks at the Jaycee Dugard situation and is appropriately appalled. Jaycee never had to even think about sharing custody with that man (of course once he was finally caught). Does it make me a bad person to sort of envy her ability at this point to recover in peace? Of course I understand that my situation is on many levels not as bad as her. I wasn’t 11 when I met the psycho and I certainly wasn’t “raped” in that way or held captive in that way.
That being said, I was very afraid to leave and during the times I wasn’t afraid to leave…I was being mentally tortured into thinking that I somehow deserved the kind of emotional abuse that I was enduring. To top it all off, I had no idea to what level I was being manipulated and conned until I was hit in the head with a horrible situation.
Even after all my ex has done (which our judge even admitted was foul), the judge still turned to me and told me that there was also something wrong with me for “choosing” this man. I didn’t choose to have my life stolen from me! I didn’t choose the man he really is! Despite that, however, the court has completely sanctioned the abuse that I endured and are going as far as saying that because he is the biological father he has a RIGHT to continue doing what he has been doing to my family.
So as terrible as it makes me…part of me envys Jaycee’s current situation. I don’t envy her for going through what she did because it is more horrible than my situation by a long shot (as I was not a child and not captive)…but I envy the fact that she is now protected by the law from that mad man and she is allowed to recover in peace.
I hope that one day the law will see these people for who they really are and hold them accountable even when their actions are not as obvious as holding an 11 year old girl captive and raping her for years. 🙁
AnnieO
I read somewhere, quite a while back, someone saying:
‘Please don’t sentence me to co-parenting!’
It almost feels like a long jail sentence because you cannot get away from the exspaths. You are entangled in their abuse and tactics and have to voluntarily (and with much fear) turn your children over to them for visitation. Then you end up spending years trying to figure out how to ‘escape’.
IMconfused
Jamie’s story reminds me of the song “killing ground” that is sung by a heavy metal group. However, she did survive!
The (English) lyrics talk about a war where those who surrender are killed by their enemies who show a total lack of mercy. In fact the killers seem to enjoy their killing spree. Unfortunately, the lyrics remind me of my relationshit with my husband and his grown children.
The words serve as a reminder that, regardless of what I do or do not do, I will be treated as an enemy by the uncaring slags (Caroleans) in my life.
Ett Slag Fargat Rott lyrics
Killing Ground
At Fraustadt the Swedish forces faced
An army almost twice its size.
And on that day we showed the world not only
Our superiority in battle but also
How cruel man can be.
Frozen ground,
Ride with the wind
Emerge from the gunsmoke like demons
Rehnskiöld’s men
Charging their flanks
The enemy trembles with fear
One by one the Saxons disband
Or die where they stand
Killing ground
Even though you surrender
Turn around
You will never survive
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sabaton-lyrics/ett-slag-fargat-rott-lyrics.html ]
Killing ground
At the battle of Fraustadt
Fall in line
Battle formations
Show no fear
Riding them down
Break their will
Show them no mercy
Caroleans attack
Round them up, look into their eyes
They beg for their lives
See the Caroleans standing tall
All for one and one for all
Enemies fall at their feet
Begging for their mercy
See the Caroleans standing tall
Conquer lands and slaughter all
Enemies fall at their feet
Victory and great defeat
Stargazer
I am about halfway through Jaycee’s book. What a chilling journey into the mind of a sociopath and a life of survival. In many ways it reminds me of the 9 years I spent feeling like a captive in my stepfather’s home, learning how to walk on eggshells around him to avoid his bouts of abuse. Like Jaycee, I felt like I was in prison.
I am most amazed at this young woman’s attitude and her forward-thinking attitude, love of her children, and love of life. She harbors no anger and animosity because she feels it will kill the years she has left. Coming from someone whose life and innocence were stolen from her for 18 years, it is one of the most inspiring things I’ve ever read.