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Lovefraud Lesson #6: Sociopaths and sex

Many, many people who have been romantically involved with sociopaths have told me that the sex was the best they ever had. In my latest video, I explain why.

Watch Lovefraud Lesson #6: Sociopaths and sex on the Videos page.


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54 Comments on "Lovefraud Lesson #6: Sociopaths and sex"

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Love this video, Donna, and I’m sure we can all relate to it from both sides of the gender fence. I can best describe the sex as hot-and-cold because that’s just exactly what it was.

It’s hot because as you said, it’s some of the best unrestrained sex you’ve had. But at the same time, it’s also cold because there’s a certain level of detachment from them regardless of whether you’re dealing with a male or female sociopath. While they may or may not be particularly good at feigning the I-Love-You’s during and after sex, there’s clearly a distance there that only real intimacy can bridge. In my recent relationship, she would actually fall asleep afterwards (or she sure was good at faking it) in order to avoid the intimacy that follows great sex between two people. Seemed normal to me at the time but looking back, it was all part of the set up. For me, that pillow talk after sex makes up some of the most important aspects of intimacy in any relationship: Your guard is completely down and you can talk about almost anything openly.

I wrote in an earlier post that this woman had access to some of my most intimate answers on a dating site because of my desire to be open and honest in attracting a good match. Looking back on some of her behavior, I realized that many of the things we explored sexually were so incredibly perfect because she had actually matched them to everything I’d exposed in my profile. While I know that all relationships in the future won’t be sociopath-driven, I’m a guy – what else can I say? That chemistry thing is a very big part of being drawn in at the early stages of any relationship for a normal man or woman.

It’s clear now that her testosterone was definitely higher than an average woman in her mid-50’s and it matched up with my high testosterone (as a direct result of a 2-month round of hyperbaric oxygen therapy I underwent late last year). And after our breakup, it took me a month to finally feel that I had detoxed her out of my system physically.

I’m glad you’ve started bringing this more into the forefront. This topic may seem taboo for some people to bring up or discuss but I truly believe that the more openly we can discuss all aspects of how these people operate, the better prepared the rest of us can be in the future. Nice people need to stick together too!

Donna, this is a wonderful video and I’ve posted the FaceTube link to every site that I visit.

My belief that the intensity of the sex is that they are simply mirroring our own abilities and energies. The exspath was about as exciting as a bowl full of oatmeal, and I had to rely upon my own abilities to have any sexual enjoyment in the relationshit.

Having typed that, my views on my personal sexuality have been pretty much dashed – knowing what I had been unwittingly sleeping next to for over a decade causes me to literally gag. What the exspath is, and what he portrayed are absolute polar opposites.

And, the association that there is NO REMORSE or sense of propriety within the spath’s sexual interests speaks volumes. CAPS are for emphasis, only.

That one human being would request (actually, demand) that another person submit to acts that are humiliating, painful, dehumanizing, and risky does not relate to “love,” at all. Not at all. I mean, to even suggest that a partner engage in a threesome is utterly humiliating, in and of itself. It’s risky, humiliating, degrading, and objectifying – regardless of what our current “social norms” suggest. What spaths demand is not “normal” or “healthy.”

Good video, Donna – thank you for this continued endeavor!

Donna, I love this video! It’s soooooo true!

Yes, it was great sex, very hot and uninhibited… but it was not emotionally intimate. It was no love-making, never was. And after a while I craved for the love-making instead of the sex that was emotionally and intimately unsatisfying, even though it was still the same sex as the start.

RobertinSeattle:

The reason a woman in her mid 50s has a lot of testosterone is because the estrogen is dropping leaving more room for testosterone to take over. It’s the reason many older women become very sexual. It can be the best times in their lives.

Louise, I have read the same thing in a book about menopause. However, all of the women I know in their 50’s or 60’s tell me that their sex drives declined after menopause. So it’s confusing to me. I’m almost 52. I have not been through menopause – I still have regular periods, but I think I’m premenopausal. My sex drive is about the same as it always was. I do feel that as women get older they naturally become less inhibited because they’ve become more authentic and they’ve had more sexual experiences. Presumably, they’ve had some great lovers or have had to teach some men to be great lovers. They learn how to tell a man what they want. I know I’ve enjoyed the best sex in my last 10 or 15 years. When I was younger, I wanted sex a lot, but I just took what I got in the bedroom.

Robert, the spath I met was from a reptile forum of which I am a frequent poster. I believe he made a note of all the details of my life – my favorite CD’s etc. and mimicked them. Diabolical! But I’m a little different than you on dating sites – I am very private there and never mention anything about sex in my profile. This is not something I want to put out there to the public. In fact, if a guy is mentioning sex in his profile, I consider it a turnoff and will not reply.

I’m reading Dark Souls at the moment and I just read about the sex topic that the author so well covers alluding to the so known ‘limbic bond’, much like the bond a drug addict develops to the needle. When we get sexually involved with a person, our brain undergoes neurochemical changes that trigger emotional attachment. The woman, in particular, is bound to form an attachment and will get hurt when the relationship ends, in other words, we females are I quote from the book “more likely to get limbically connected and sociopaths know this and that is why they use sex as a way for forming an early emotional limbic bond”.
Many women talk about how amazing their sex was with their sociopaths. Because sex with a sociopath is so highly charged, most women will not be long in a relationship that it’s only about sex because we need emotional attachment too. I think that’s why it’s important to avoid having sex early in any relationship. You never know if you’re sleeping with the enemy who will suck the lifeforce out of you, not just the most intimate part of who we are.
Sex is a SMALL space in time, compared to what really matters in life. Because sex for women is associated with bonding and love, becauuse it is such an intimate part of who we are, using us for sex is betrayal at the deepest level, That great sex was not great sex, it was sexual abuse, it was sexual exploitation. We were an object. WHAT IN THE WORLD ABOUT THIS IS AT ALL ROMANTIC? Let us try to take the BIGGEST fantasy and put it where it belongs. It will help us much when we are able to accept that the “great sex” we were having was actually the most intimate part of us being exploited and abused by a psychopath. We are too good for that. Not because “we had great sex with our socio” but because we are worthy of LOVE and RESPECT with regards to giving ourselves in a relationship sexually.
NOTHING about being with a sociopath is healthy and without exploitation, including, but most importantly, sex.
Donna, I remember how hard it was for me to break my limbic bond with the sociopath. At the time, I was trying to cope with the reality that I suspected him to be a sociopath which I still was not prepared to face (denial + limbically connected), and then when I contacted you to tell you my story and you confirmed my suspicions, I was finally able to pluck up the courage to take the big step of going NC and get the man out of my life to use your own words. You remain in my mind as my rescuer from the sociopath who had taken hold of my mind. I wish this would happen more often and we could all help other women in the same situation take the step to save themselves from these demonic entities before it’s too late.

Via the media, we get much pathetic sex portrayed, heaped upon society. When is the last time a model on tv even smiled when walking the runway? At every turn, even on the spanish language stations, we get an emphasis on sex and sexuality for itself. There is no feeling associated with it other than one of gratification. Hence its one of the perfect ingredients to set up for extortion, disregard, and neglect of relationship. Somebody mentioned pillowtalk but when do we see anything like that as a part of having sex? Or even the consequences/ blessings of babies?

To all, great comments

Czarinamom, I have no tolerance for pornography – none. What begins as a stimulant quickly (and, completely) becomes an obsession. More and more risky, shocking, and dehumanization is required, over time, to provide the same stimulus. At some point, it cannot be shocking, humiliating, degrading, or dehumanizaing enough for addicts.

The exspath was not only addicted to extreme (and, I mean extreme) violentand deviant sexual imagery, but he is also engaging in the very things that he’s been viewing with various groups of like-minded people.

Like I wrote: I have no tolerance for porn. It isn’t “normal” and it doesn’t portray healthy sexual interactions and relationships. Porn destroys and desensetizes a person’s human connection to sexuality and relationships. Nope – no tolerance and no exceptions.

Brightest blessings……

It can be really good, or really bad. It depends on the motivation. My ex-hubby, it was really bad, seemed to be good in the beginning, but I think that was just my reality of thinking I was finally truly in love. But I believe he’s gay, and I was his ‘cover’ for society, which was why it was so bad. A guy I dated a year ago, also a big time spath, only wanted to get me into bed, and after a week of the best time of my life (yes those little things he said that made me feel like this was the forever thing, not to mention I trusted him because he’s a teacher at my kids High School), like asking me to his cousins wedding a few months out-acting very shy and unsure about it-and I thought it was cute, saying we would join the gym together, quit smoking together, he liked his coffee exactly like I did-what a good observer, blah blah, little things spread out very carefully. So the sex was hot, and he did snuggle afterwards. We even sexted afterwards and I was really excited, since everything was so perfect. He broke up with me that day (it happened in the morning). He said he wasn’t ready to date, his last gf brought him through the ringer, and went on to tell an evil story about her that I believed. I kept hoping he would get settled and call me back, for a year, I couldn’t forget about him. I finally gave up when I found out he was serial dating, and remembered a doctors appt on a SATURDAY at 6pm for ‘therapy’… and he shut down when I asked about it. Dumb me… now I’m healing. But they can fake things, probably the sex would have gotten worse each time. I actually realized for me, that I wasn’t looking for intimate sex, I wasn’t ready. I liked the non-intimate stuff, must have been the chemicals being released in the different parts that kept me addicted. Never again. Never…. Can’t count on sex to tell you if they’re a spath, but there are signs to watch out for-especially if it’s OK that they love sex, and start to make you feel bad about liking it… that part was there ever so covertly. Sometimes that’s hard to detect, because they know it’s what they want, so they have to be careful about how much to tear you down (only as much as they can and still get sex…), does that make sense? Part of the crazymaking…

I could definitely relate to this video. The sex was so intense and so high charged with my ex that when I finally got away from him and into a healthy and loving relationship, it took quite a bit of time for me to not feel rejected because he wasn’t trying to jump me constantly like my ex had. Of course, I was not always in the mood to have sex with my ex (sociopath) and that resulted in being forced to against my will on many occasions. He also watched quite a bit of porn, and cheated, and contracted an STD which he gave to me. It can take a lot of adjustment to return to normal sexuality after having a relationship with a sociopath. Today, after three years, I still struggle from time to time.

Dear TruthSpeak:

Thank you so much for posting. I needed to hear this. I went through all the above, and wondered if it was really rape-it felt like it-as much as I didn’t want to admit it………how could someone I was deeply in love with for over a year do this? I fell in love with him on every level imaginable and had a dynamite working relationship with him. He was the best co-worker I ever had, and I’ve been in the workforce since 17. HOWEVER, like I’ve read in the literature (Thomas Sheridan-all videos on YouTube-Highly recommend BTW), they are known for being wonderful in the workplace (some anyway) and out in the world, but once I lost my job and my house unbeknownst to both of us, I ended up in an apt on the same street as him. We still live on the same street. Well, we started to see each other only after I stopped working there, it all seemed so perfect him just being down the street and all. But once I let him in the door, I couldn’t get him off of me, he was too strong. He turned into something I had never seen nor imagined possible coming from him. I thought we were good, good friends. I still cry everyday since Feb. I think it will take me years to get over this and I guess that’s just how it’ll be and somehow I have had to come to peace with that. Still crushed and bewildered. I wonder if any “human” part of him cared for me. I honestly wonder. I saw a lot of humanity in him. Amazing and impossible to believe that could have all been fake. Doesn’t God reside within all of us?

That one human being would request (actually, demand) that another person submit to acts that are humiliating, painful, dehumanizing, and risky does not relate to “love,” at all. It’s risky, humiliating, degrading, and objectifying ”“ regardless of what our current “social norms” suggest. What spaths demand is not “normal” or “healthy.”

DONNA- A question to you: Are Sociopaths children of God too, like all of us are? If they had the choice to be good people, do you think they would from the start? Doesn’t God reside in all of us? Thanks for any insights you can provide. I mean I have read all the literature I can possibly read, but I never understood if they are still children of God.

Thedoorisclosed, be very, very cautious in equating god with the human condition. IMHO, spaths are not “of God,” on any level. IMO, they are organisms that walk, talk, and pretend to be human beings, but they lack empathy, pity, and remorse. They DO NOT FEEL HUMAN EMOTION. Please, note that caps are not to be interpreted as online shouting – only emphasis.

Thedoorisclosed, sociopaths do not care. They do not care. They do not care. What you’re feeling is cognitive dissonance (cog/diss). This is a recognized state where we attempt to fit the horrible actions of bad people into our system of beliefs – deliberately – because we cannot (literally) process the fact that the person that we care about doesn’t share those beliefs, nor do they behave within that system of beliefs.

No, they are not children of God. They are human organisms that are, for whatever reason, devoid of a human soul. No human being that could walk away from their wife, children, financial obligations, ethical obligations, moral obligations, and commit legal crimes and acts of violence against other human beings has what could be remotely considered to be a “soul.” Their eyes are as empty and lifeless as the eyes of a clay doll, and every action, choice, and abuse of their fellow human beings is done so without any consideration of consequences or penalties. No…..they are not children of God, by any stretch of the imagination.

To clarify my remark, above: a sociopath is not necessarily someone’s “husband.” A sociopath is anyone whose behaviors fall within a specific and defined pattern.

my ex was the best sex i ever had. but then it turned out he used me for sex for 2 years and he raped me at the end. it was really tough to divide the two it took me 2 years to recover. i felt guilty for ever feeling satisfaction with him it is a horrible situation, because from one side ur body remembers him as the most pleasurable time he ever had but ur head understands u were used as a sex toy.

Dear isurvived:

Thank you for posting. I felt the same way. Very tough to divide the two. I so relate and I hear you.

Your name sums it up: we are survivors aren’t we? It’s amazing we live to tell about the horror, the confusion and betrayal. Do you believe they get their own in the end? Do you believe in karma?

Thanks again. It helped and that means everything to me especially on bad days.

thanks for clarifying that truthy..but there are alot of low life husband’s out there.

dear thedoorisclosed,
i do believe in karma and they do suffer at the end. today i can say this experience shed a lot of light into my life, as weird as it sounds. i found out i used to be unhealthy when it came to sex. meaning that i used to let men use me for sex or be looked at as a sexual symbol, i know society is this way today, but it doesnt mke it right, doesnt it? after what happened i finally can say im leading a healthy self-respectful life, FOR THE FIRST TIME. and about the abuser….he will be stuck on earth for many many many lives….

Dear I Survived:

You know what gets me? Is the fact that they don’t have a care in the world, live with no stress or anything. They get off scott free…….Maybe in those lifetimes they will come back as “good women” suffering what we did.

I am so happy to hear all of these truthful comments on sex with a psychopath. I have been baffled by books claiming they are so good in bed. Perhaps some of them can learn good techniques but I doubt if most even care. And love is only feigned.

My experience was very poor sex until we married and then rape most of the time from our wedding night on…never good sex. He wanted me to lie still and let him have his way with me. He called me a slut and a whore if I responded like a normal woman.

Before we married he raped his room mate’s sleeping girlfriend. She woke up with him having sex with her in an unconscious state. I believed he was really remorseful and just drunk and got trapped into marrying him for other reasons…I tried to run from the church if that is any hint.

Psychopaths can be the worst sex you ever had and still keep you trapped.

He uses tactics to produce fear, guilt, shame, mind control, and convincing you that he is perfect and you are the problem…then you get the poor him, pathetic, abused, misunderstood man and you are the ungrateful bitch.

He sometimes throws in with the occasional gift or crumb to make you believe how good he is. It is insidious and yet they are so good at it that we believe them in spite of ourselves.

Dear Thedoorisclosed,

great name btway,

your thoughts on do they get away scott free made me think. Hmm, no I don’t think so. Spaths just like to win. It doesn’t necessarily mean they get away with it, stress free. My ex was deeply envious of “normal” relationships. Oh he so envied my relationship with my daughters…..once stating that he wanted what I had. Yes they get away with taking responsibility for their offspring…..he has 3 children he has never supported. But, he was deeply dissatisfied with his life and this culminated in his attempt to take what I had in mine, and destroy it. When I was at my lowest ebb, he told me everything that had happened had been my fault and I needed to be taught a lesson.

He remains a vacuous being. There is nothing of any substance….Nothing. They do know that. I believe he knows what he is anyway. I remain NC despite the regular intrusions via txt and email. I like to know where hes at if you know what I mean. Im not flattered by his constancy. I truly believe he would leave me for “dead” if he gt another chance. My greatest weapon is that I ignore him. He HATED that when I was with him.

Anyway, I digress. Im not going to let the thought that he feels he got away with it to destroy me and respectfully I would ask that you don’t either.

I am convinced that his demons haunt him……you know what? I really hope so.

Great article and some extremely poignant comments.

Greetings from SW

The videos my x-spath posted on x-tube of him masturbating are at best, underwhelming…

behind blu eyes,

Wow…I cann’t believe anybody would post videos of themeselves masturbating. “underwhelming”…lol…. I guess I’ve been kept in the closet too long…lol….SICK!

I have to admitt….it’s all true!
I found myself being violated in every sence of the word, both in doing sexual things I never dreamed of, enjoying them and feeling violated at the same time…horrified at the sexual abuse I was experiencing!….a total mind fuck confussing mess since he had me in a state of high arousment all the time because of his sexual appetite.

Aeylah;

The weird thing is that six months before I met the x-spath, I saw one of his videos. My reaction was that this guy is really “cheeky” to be posting such videos, given his lack of porn star credentials other than a cute, “guy next door” face…

But it struck a cord with me not for his eroticism, but the realization that I needed to meet a guy like him, not a sex god. That we lived 3000 miles apart and that I would eventually meet is mind boggling…

Very interesting topic.

I have noticed there is different styles of traits amongst sociopaths. The woman who raised me would definitely falls into your video’s written category. I could write a thesis on WWRM.

I had the misfortune of dating this sex predator two (almost) years ago. This past September the court system enforced a 2 year order of protection against him for my safety.

I hadn’t known at the time nor did the legal system that he sexually preys upon his children (male & female, step-son) and any other child or young adult. I had caught him in the act (was in disbelief & denial when I saw it happening) once I had verbal recording on my voice mail from his daughter I then had the proof to turn it over to the legal system to handle.

I hate to admit but sex with him fed my imagination and heightened my sex drive (I’m survivor of childhood sex abuse). I wanted to believe he cared but saw the disgusting obsessive enjoyment he had while observing people’s suffering.

All of sudden the ugly truth about his true psychopath personality starting surfacing and the flags that had been present before (that I brushed aside and had made excuses for) created shame for me not excepting the reality about him. I hadn’t known he was capable of any of this twisted demented actions. He appeared as this meek, well mannered, and groomed man that all the women had wanted (why didn’t he date them and leave me alone?).

I wonder these sex predators could they unknowingly be honed into survivors of childhood sex abuse and the survivors unknowingly be attracted to sex predators? I would have never in all my nightmares had ever wanted to know anyone like him.

It has been almost year now since the OP took affect and I’m starting to feel not as damaged and consumed by the disgust horrific memories of him. Thank goodness for organizations and my state having funding for unemployed victims to receive counseling on such demented, sick, and illegal abuses.

Raisedbysocio,

yeah it is an interesting topic.

I think the differences in sex are 2 parts:
1. how the spath sees you and what his motives are.
2. the spath’s own experience in destroying people.

If the spath sees you as having power, he will brown nose you.
Also, if he really enjoys the love bomb phase a lot he will brown nose you. LITERALLY.

My spath was really great in bed — at first. I was a teenager, so he wanted to “hook” me. I had lots of boyfriends so he wanted to make sure I knew, that he was better. They work hard when they want to. My spath brother said, “I’m a hard worker, in bed.” WTF? yes, I know what he meant, I just don’t know why he told ME. But then, yeah all spaths are alike. Spath husband wasn’t much different from spath brother.

But if the spath senses you have low self esteem, he will work that angle and make YOU work hard for him. They will give you crumbs if they sense you will accept them.

This is really important, because it applies to all of the their reasoning. This is how they think. It’s all about who is in control, who is on top, who has the most power, WHO CARES LESS, WHO CARES LESS, WHO CARES LESS, WHO CARES LESS, WHO CARES LESS.

Do I have to repeat it?

Whoever cares less, can treat the other one like crap.
This is called playing chicken with a spath. You don’t want to do that, because they only care about one thing: their mask.

That’s why it’s important not to let them know what you really care about. Hide your values. Hide your valuables.

Raised: you spoke about another very interesting topic. Are they honed in to us? Yes. And we are honed in to them. When you feel that attraction, RUN. It’s faulty programming.

I was suspicious about this. Then I “met” a woman online who told me about her experience. She was molested by her father and then her step father. Then, her kids were molested too. Not by her, not by her husband, but by her neighbor. Then one of the kids molested another one.

I think there are things about humanity that we don’t understand yet. Why would her molestation be passed down to her kids? I saw a picture of her. Her facial expression was –vulnerability and sex, like Marilyn Monroe. She passed that to her kids. My spath, a pure, primary spath, was obsessed with facial expressions.

My spath was also obsessed with Marilyn Monroe, BTW. He told everyone that I would commit suicide like Marilyn Monroe. WTF?
sicko. That was the plan anyway. Unfortunately for him, I’m not someone he ever understood.

Spaths are attracted to me. But they underestimate me. kindness is not weakness.

Skylar, you’re spot-on. Kindness doesn’t have to be a “weakness.”

With regard to pornography, I wanted to clarify my beliefs on that discussion.

Okay, we know that things that are “taboo” are often exciting and alluring. But, there is a huge difference between eroticism and hard-core porn. Eroticism has to do with mutual gratification and healthy (and, safe) exploration. Well, in my world it does. Porn has nothing to do with anything except money. Porn typically involves scenarios that are dehumanizing, degrading, humiliating, painful, and thoroughly risky. Because all of the latter negatives are really, REALLY “taboo,” it seems like an absolute turnon when we’re first exposed to it. But, when men and women begin structuring their sexual activities around the imagery that they are viewing, all aspects of a healthy relationship-based sex life goes down the tubes.

The first exspath was addicted to porn and abusive sex. He began suggesting (then, demanding) that we bring in a second male party. I came close to giving in, just so he’d shut up – and, in my tortured mind at that time, because it would “please” him. The difference between fantasy imaginations and acting out these “fantasies” is that these activities do not end up as they are imagined. Engaging in sex with multiple partners isn’t about sharing “love,” at all. It’s about being passed around, used, and objectified. He also began demanding that I submit to the same acts that he viewed, and my refusal to engage in painful, degrading, and humiliating acts infuriated him – he would assert that my refusal to engage in those acts was a direct violation of our marital vows and that I was actively denying him his “husbandly rights.”

So, as people continue viewing porn imagery, they become desensitized to what previously aroused them. Because of this, more shocking imagery is required to get the same effect. And, it continues to escalate.

Porn (IMHO) is not a “normal” activity and does not represent healthy sexual interactions. About 20 years ago, if someone wanted to view or purchase hard-core porn, they would have to travel to a questionable part of town, park in the back, and sneak into the establishment to pay a large sum for what they wanted. With the advent of technology, anyone can view any type of depravity imaginable: torture, gang-rape, snuff. And, all in the comfort and privacy of their own homes while their partners and children are in the adjacent room. And, our culture has accepted this as “normal” behavior: to each his own. Well, the truths about the porn industry are too vile to discuss, and most people who support viewing porn as “normal” don’t care what the utlimate prices being paid are. “They make money doing what they enjoy” is not a truth. Most porn participants were molested as children and do not have any sense of self esteem or self worth.

When children are exposed to pornography, it can alter their perceptions, forever. I remember seeing a centerfold in a Playboy magazine back in the 60’s, and it was erotic in every sense of the word. At that young age, my perception that a female was expected to be sensual, sexual, and that she should exploit these things was instantly ingrained. Children do not have the mental and emotional maturity to even process pornographic imagery, let alone separate the fantasy images from healthy interactions.

The sex with spaths is only as good as our own imaginations because empaths equate sex with love. In the world of empathy, sex and love run a tandem course, and “giving in” to a spath partner’s demands is an empath’s attempt to express their “love.” Of course, the spath is only interested in taking their targets down a dark, risky path so they can throw our participation back into our faces at a later date.

I’ve ranted about this subject, before, and I maintain my belief that healthy sexual interactions do not require pornographic imagery to maintain. Sex does not equal love.

Brightest blessings

Dear Aeylah:

Ditto to everything you wrote!!!!!!!

Dear Skylar:

You are spot on! Spot on. Spot on!!!

Skylar:

You have some “keen insight” that I respect. When you were talking about the icky stuff it brought back a creepy memory of the sociopath. I need to write about this.

Our relationship was completely professional for over a year, lost my job and then when he discovered I lived down the street from him, bumped into him out front of my brownstone one day; and he invited himself over for movies and dinner. He had just gotten here walked down the long hallway to the back of the apt, walked into my bathroom, took a shower and walked out into the living room completely naked! I was like what the —-??? I freaked out and I remember this voice rising up inside me saying: this is what a little girl must feel like when daddy is about to rape her and is trapped inside of her house!
And no I was not molested as a child, thank God I was spared that. There was something about his entitlement behavior to just walk in all confidently and act like he owned the place and had absolutely no shame whatsoever about doing so. Being that they don’t feel feelings, I guess that enabled him to have no fear, shame or uncomfortability about it. I was freaked out and told him to put a towel on to cover up (Up until this point, we only knew each other as working professional co-workers). And right before that out of the corner of my eye I saw the hugest you know what I had ever seen in my life! I thought I was seeing things. That scared me even more! He ended up as much as I’d like to deny it-raping me. My point is this: why are these sociopathic men so large? I mean it makes them even more dangerous,he used it like a weapon to physically hurt me and he won. If I could go back and change that whole entire scene I would have, but I had been deeply in love with him for over a year at work, and this was the first time I’d b having time outside of work with him. He was so good at wearing that mask, that Al Pacino had nothing on him. When you are deeply in love with someone and learn that you were only deeply in love with a mask, well it is a real punch in the teeth to put it mildly. He was a real bad man and I never in a million years would have ever guessed it. He was the nicest guy I ever met until that night, and I saw him turn into a vampire. It was the scariest transformation I ever saw.

I watched the video yesterday and it was hard to watch. The sexual connection between my ex and myself was nothing I had ever known. He was like a drug to me. But, I was also on antibiotics for one thing after another due to the ‘bugs’ he passed along. He used to call me ‘baby’ and I figured he called everyone that so he would not have to remember everyone’s name.

I am 10 months NC and I know he comes around from time to time, but luckily there has been no confrontation.

I am also seeing a new guy whom I like. But, I am most fearful of becoming intimate with him. It will probably come into conversation at some point, but I think I am doing/saying things that are purposely sabotaging it. He has quirks too, but putting my feelings ‘out there’ makes me vulnerable and I don’t like the feeling.

Has anyone been through something similar? Thanks.

Dear Skylar,

Thank you for your response to my posting.
Interesting though about your comment in regards to the spath (you had unfortunately interacted with) remarks about Marilyn Monroe. This sexual predator I had written in my post was also obsessed over Marilyn too. Weird and yet ironic.

Truthspeak;

Sociopaths do not watch erotic films — they watch pornography. My x-spath’s tastes include bareback sex, group sex typically with the same, fisting and other forms of rough sex.

Amongst the nearly 1000 “matching” questions on one of his profiles:

“Would you date a former sex industry worker.”
“Would you date somebody convicted of a sex crime.”
“Would you date somebody having a sexually transmitted disease.”

There were other similar “matching” questions forget the actual details.

7 years. Never introduced to his family…only his 14 year old son. (thats becaused i bitched)

We hardly ever go anywhere and if we do…its because…i bithed.

Holidays…apart

Vacations NEVER taken together.

Gifts never given. Valentines..once…THIS YEAR IN 7 YEARS!

I spent 100.00 on a christmas gift and he gave me an onwrapped tarheel jacket..major let down but i am a diehard tarheel fan.
He never wants to meet my family nor does he come around when my friends are here.

I can predict everytime he is ready to have sex…yes i said have sex. I used to think we were making love in the beginning becaused he made me feel like no other ever did.

I didnt know my body could respond to sex the way he made it respond…and he knew that i loved him with all my heart and i would do anything for him..till i woke up.

When I try to break it off…he begins apologizing…its his fault,he’s the bad guy, the word manipulations the calling znd texting…it goes on and on but I realize…its only for the sex.

When i take him back and reign queen of the stupid it starts over again.

He makes promises he doesnt keep, make up lies on his family as excuses to not be with me on holidays…shushes me when members of his family calls…etc

He fell on hard times financially with the IRS, claimed to have lost his apartment, had his work truck stolen…found but cleaned out, was uninsured…etc

He never said I love you except in responce or infear of my leaving him…every breakup is my fault and im being unfair.

Sigh…i can go on and on.

Get this…he has his own lawncare service and i have the worse lawn on the block. People are sticking numbers in my door to cut my lawn…go figure.

There is so much more but I might be running out of space.

betsybugs…I agree, not very good sex with my SP either. Darn! Mine is a romantic dud!

Skylar…Now I’m the one who could care less…once I figured out that he turned me down 3 out of every 4 times I wanted sex, I stopped wanting it. Good to know that means I now have some control.

Two weeks ago I told him that I would NEVER EVER AGAIN aproach him for sex. As a matter of fact, I haven’t wanted him to touch me for the past 3 years. (maybe longer). I think I might have given him one half-assed kiss this year…did not enjoy it even a little.

He creeps me out! When I look at him all I see is a liar who steels anything of mine that he can get his hands on.

Years ago I thought he was the love of my life. Now I think he’s a representative of the devil.

We’ve been together since 1992 and I have absolutely no idea who he is. He can’t even tell a truth without adding lies! (Yes, he does tell the truth once or maybe twice each year…well once this year for sure!

My Sp is a pathetic joke and a sexual dissappiontment. So I have to believe that not all SPs are good in bed.

nonnie, it’s been years of similar crap for me. However, mine NEVER says he’s sorry…ever.

thedoorisclosed,
There is something about us that makes them think we will accept their behavior. They sense it like a predator can sense weakness in their prey. I wish I knew exactly what it is, but I don’t.

They can tell we are “nice”. Perhaps they can sense who is a “people pleaser”, maybe we smile too readily?

I don’t want to change who I am. And to be honest, I believe that that is the spaths intent: to make us change into them.

Strongawoman was saying, in this thread, http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/08/18/lovefraud-lesson-8-sociopaths-and-love-bombing/comment-page-1/#comment-168143, that her spath wanted to “teach her a lesson.” That is the bottom line. That’s what they want to prove to us, that we are wrong to be who we are and they are right and we should be paranoid, distrusting, hateful, envious, rivals. Betrayal is the ultimate lesson, isn’t it? And we surely are learning, aren’t we?

But the lesson is not what the spaths had hoped. We are learning much much more: to be wise as serpents and maintain the innocence of doves.

Since I still don’t know the answer to how to make a spath fear me, I use confusion instead. I make sure they can never figure out who I really am, or how dangerous I might be.

It’s sad because human beings long to be intimately known and loved by those who know them. But with spaths, it’s just the opposite. You can never let them know you because that is what they will use against you. Boundaries are the only answer, never let them know who you are inside.

This is a literal and figurative idea, since spaths who are serial killers often like to cut their victims open, just like the sacrificial victims of the aztecs. They like to see what makes us tick.

My spath told his friend, while talking about the neighbor crazy lady, “I’d like to cut her open from her neck to her naval.”

They are all the same.

I’mconfused,
I’m glad he’s a dud. That’s one less addiction to get over.
I sure wish you were out of that situation.
How are your plans progressing?

sky,

Not sure what it is that makes you light up to them. I think it would be hard to describe that. It’s like my dark prince picker… I can’t say how precisely I notice them instantly over other people, I just notice them instantly. First time I saw ex-spath was while he walked by on the street while I sat on the landlady’s porch in hte rocking chair reading. I sat on the porch expressly each day to watch streetlife. I saw plenty of people go by, and I started to recognize them of course… but the moment he walked by it’s like I noticed him more. I can’t say why but he was more noticeable to me.

Until recently I thought my picker was an attraction picker, now I’m not so sure. I’m starting to think of it as a warning picker rather, and at the very least that’s what I’m using it for now. Uneasiness, nervousness and feeling somewhat overpowered are sensations of warning, and I may just have confused those feelings for decades with attraction. On the other hand, it’s not a picker that could help me pick out all types of spaths, because I can think of several possible spathic men that never stood out in that way to me and I felt a gut disdain for as soon as they approached me. I feel instantly repulsed somewhat by these. I guess it’s the being slimed part that I notice during interaction. I don’t notice those in a crowd, but they sure make themselves known soon to me. The dark princes, or rather black holes, I do notice, and maybe that’s just what my picker responds to: their darkness.

Spaths have pickers too. Some people will be far more noticeable to them than others, will stand out to them. They may refer to them as perfect prey, but imo just like my picker does not notice some spathic types, their picker does notice other prey as much. Of course they solve that by being opportunists.

So what does their picker notice? I don’t think you can ever know. It might even be something different each time again. But I do think it’s something on the temperament level, something you cannot really alter or change. It isn’t what you wear, nor your attitude, nor how much you smile. I do suspect though it might have to do something with authenticity and genuineness. Maybe you just look very very ‘real’ to a spath’s picker; someone who’s not hiding herself behind a mask. Maybe you just seem to shine like a bright sun to them, nothing but light.

darwinsmom,
that’s sweet. thank you.

I remember you mentioning your picker. I usually have one too. And it’s getting better.

I think you may be right about genuineness. I don’t wear much of a mask, and since they ARE ALL ABOUT A MASK, they notice that.

Not that I can’t, be a phony, I can, it’s just a drag.

On the other hand, how about the guy who came up to me from behind and asked me if I wanted to see his parrot? I was just walking down the street.

There was a guy selling toys at a convention that BF and I attended. (We sell toys and we had a booth.) He said he was raised a Mennonite and he was hitting on me hard. He told me it was because of my hair. He said, Mennonite women hide their hair. Many cultures hide their women’s hair. Hair can create envy. Honestly though, if you saw my hair when I haven’t straightened it, it looks like I stuck my finger in a light socket. My BF hates it. lol.

Sky,

You barely or hardly even need to see a person’s face. It’s a total picture, kindof an aura if you will. You probably have experienced yourself that some people just draw your eye for no apparent reason. They enter a room, or you enter it, and there’s a bit of a crowd, but a certain person draws your attention, even if you are looking at their back. It hardly even has to do with attraction, because you can notice women as well as men in that way without being attracted to them.

Some manage to get attention with their simmering darkness, no matter how much they are smiling and seem to have fun; and then there are people who seem to light up a place even when they’re not smiling.

I actually know I’m often considered to be the latter. The first time I realized it was about twelve years ago. I was at a party with my best friend, a friend of his and her Russian boyfriend. I was friendly to her and her boyfriend, offered them some drinks, asked some questions, but not chatty at all. In my mind it had been a very relaxed evening. At some point I went dancing for a bit, but more to the side of the dancefloor. I certainly was not seeking anyone’s attention. Later my best friend revealed to me that the Russian bf of his friend had told him he thought of me as intrusive and in his face. His complaint actually did not match my behaviour at all. I was stunned. I told my friend: that’s nuts! I was anything but intrusive and in his face. My best friend then agreed it wasn’t my fault at all. He said I could have snuck in a corner and as quiet as a mouse and still would make that guy feel as if I was taking up too much space and light in the room, because I was like a sun and would always be noticed, and that the Russian must have been terribly insecure because my presence alone threatened him.

It attracts good people, often shiny people themselves, but it also attracts dark people who don’t like light and want to stamp it out if they could. I know that’s what the sliming spaths like the bf of my friend tries to do. First time he ever met me, he basically started to insult and belittle me in front of my best friend, something she later agreed to. I sometimes get men acting out obnoxious to me out of the blue; people I don’t know, haven’t talked to, haven’t bumped into. Suddenly they tap on my shoulder and start trying to put me down. I guess that might have been what that aggressive Maroccan was attempting to do couple of days ago.

What I hadn’t realized before the ex-spath that there are also the ones who pretend to be someone who loves me and hope to put me down that way. Now I know and recognize the signs of those who try to put out the light in a sneaky way – through flattery.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure it’s not your fault, nor something you can alter. I don’t think it’s something weak or vulnerable either. I’m pretty sure it’s something they envy and hope for the opportunity to stamp out. And if you want to know what it is I think it’s better to ask people who actually love you and know you, than spaths, because spaths will never admit that they envy you for something that you breathe and exhume as you pass them by.

skylar,
I saw a lot of he’s just like me in my wife when i found out about her spath entanglement. i also saw a lot of your just like me in his letters to her before she had him thrown back in prison. i think they use the mirror in reverse once they have you firmly believing in your similarities. i saw a lot of ” i can lie to you cause you lie to your husband” crap.

rgc

wow this page of comments was (is) such a trigger for me. I broke down halfway through reading them.
I did a search for “sociopathic sexual abuse” and found my way to this particular page.
It is weirdly unsettling buy somehow, comforting? reading all the comments.
I have been in a relationship with a sociopath for 3 and half years now. I have been trying to get him out of my life for over a year.
He snared me with sex. There was a time, at the beginning, that I thought it was the best sex of my life. Heck, it may very well have been.
But, it lacked the intimacy. At first I didn’t notice that. At first I didn’t care! I met him online, only 4 months after my marriage of 15 years had ended.
Ten years younger than me, handsome, fit, and oozing a sexuality (or something, Looking back, I’m not so sure that it was sexuality he was oozing) that I was instantly attracted to, I’m sure I was a prime target. Heck, I must have been, because he managed to mess up my head so bad that even now, knowing what he is and what he is not, knowing all the bad things that he has done, the lies, the craziness, the drug use, etc, etc., even knowing all that I still find myself thinking about him, and have let him come back time and time again….
In the beginning it was wonderful, yes. Intense, hard and crazy, but wonderful. Over time it grew increasingly rougher and rougher.
There were times he raped me. Said awful things to me. Hurt me. And yet I was still attracted to him. Still wanted to have sex with him.
But here’s the real crazy part, maybe even what he feels the most proud of, he finally just stopped having sex with me. It’s like he turned me into a sex fiend (for him) and then took it away. I KNOW he enjoyed turning me down. I could see it in his cold dark eyes. He turned me into a fiending junkie for his fake sex. Fake because it wasn’t real. It was all an act.
An act to entrap me. And it worked.
But I want out. I want him out of my head. I will do it, I know I can. I’ve finally reached the point, and this has only recently happened, that I can no longer have sex, or even be attracted to a man that has turned me down so much. Ha! I hope he didn’t see that coming! Because I don’t know if I could handle that too (the withholding of sex) as just another one of his manipulative ploys.
I hope, I pray that this new “right” way of thinking, this feeling of being repulsed by him now will give me the strength I need to get past him and over him. I think it will take a long time for me to feel sexually “normal” again.

Welcome damandarespec,

As soon as you leave him, he will most likely come back with the sexual “carrot” again to lure you back in and then rinse and repeat. Sex/no sex….

So, I suggest when you do make the NO CONTACT choice, you stick to it 100% and do not let him back in, because if you weaken and give him “another chance” it will back fire in your face big time.

Read here and learn, because KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and you must take back the power you have given over to him.

You WILL eventually get him out of your head and you will be “normal” again….DIFFERENT maybe but that’s okay because it will be different in a wiser way, a better, stronger way. God bless and again, welcome to Love Fraud.

Oxy and Skylar, my ex spath told me when we started dating in 20120 that she told her friends ‘Hes the best sex I’ve ever had.’ However, knowing now how promiscuous she is and how spaths use sex not as an emotional connection with someone, but a s tool for power and control, it does sting to know she probably used the same balsa wood, plastic compliment with other partners. I recently found out from a mutual friend, not long after she and I met and stopped dating, she threw herself at and made the first move on my friends ex. She really pressed to spend the night with him and he said no twice. The third time was when she started to get more desperate she she showed up at his house with an overnight bag and without him knowing it, was naked and in his bed. So guess what happened next? My friend said she doesn’t blame him one bit for engaging with her. her words were ‘If she’s going to show up, uninvited after he says no twice and she’s naked in his bed…we’re all adults here. She knew what she was doing and got EXACTLY what she wanted.’ Now, granted, we weren’t together at that time so she was free to do what she wanted as well as I was. But….don’t think I’m stupid enough to believe that you have been in love with me since the day we met when you pursue a man to the point where you actually have to get undressed in his room after he tells you no to you spending the night with him TWICE and then try and convince me I gave you the best sex ever. There’s a name for women like that…and now I’m convinced that is that very name.

As far as spath’s and their ability to want to contact someone weeks, months or even years after the breakup? I’m not so sure. If you two knew what was said between my ex and I, and then what she was saying to a mutual friend about me (she called me, in so many words, unstable), I think you both would agree that my ex spath (who also has characteristics of borderline personality disorder – boy did I find a gem with this one!) won’t take a chance in contacting me. Mutual friends who knew her and knew of her (I met this woman in 2009, saw the red flags then….and was dumb enough to think in 2012 we could have a functioning relationship – WHOOOPS!) say they’re convinced she’ll try and reach out to me at some point. My therapist is convinced she will also. Spaths and BPD’ers share similar traits and one is they thrive on the chaos they bring to people’s lives an find themselves so bored they’ll reach out to anyone. It’s like once you’re in their mental Rolodex, you’re there FOREVER! ANyway, just thought I’d present that to both of you and see what you’re thoughts are. No right or wrong answer, just want an outside perspective. Hope you’re both doing well!!!!

Amanda,
it’s par for the course. They all do that. They give us the best sex ever and then they withhold it. (well, some of them give us great sex, others just give bad sex, but the plan was always to withhold it.)

Meanwhile, rest assured that he is having sex with multiple other partners. They could be male or female, paid or unpaid, it doesn’t matter.

As Oxy said, they do tend to come back once they think you are trying to get free of them.

This is because it was never about anything but power, control and manipulation.

I agree with skylar. Having had many abusive , controlling partners before age 31 , when I met the guy who turned my life and brain into a 3-ring circus , the start was fast , he asked me to move in with him within 24 hrs , wanted to cut me off from everyone , told me I was wonderful and showered me with surprise gifts and trips , and the sex was better than I had ever had. Then he wanted 3-somes , and more , he would buy me things , things I could never afford for myself , as bribs. When I confronted him with the fact that I knew what he was doing , he blew up , and withheld everything.He had/has sex with ANYONE male or female , is a drug addict and is fake as a botoxed tooth-bleaching sociopath can be , and I hope there is Karma , because I still think of him , even though I am no longer attracted to him , and the cherry on top? He used to be a social worker until he started getting intimate with the people he was supposed to help. But , it wasn’t his fault , they started it/forced him.Sheesh. Now a days , I want to just be alone.Running to get checked for std’s all the time starts to be more than embarassing.

botoxed tooth bleaching sociopath ~! oh my thanx for the chuckle

Slowlybut, thanks for this like Moon I had to laugh – knowing the absurd vanity of my abuser- at the botox etc. Very well done to have escaped. Peace and love to you,x

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