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Do we really just stand by and let these people hurt others?

Last week I heard from a woman who realized that her work supervisor was probably disordered.

The Lovefraud reader was hired by a school system to work one-on-one with a special needs child, but what she was directed to do made no sense. When she asked the school district’s “professionals” about the “therapy,” since, in her experience, it was inappropriate for the child’s needs, they seemed uncomfortable and never really answered her. The supervisor, in the meantime, became belligerent. The Lovefraud reader saw that the supervisor was controlling, the professionals were intimidated, and the child was not receiving the right care.

The Lovefraud reader was so upset that she took medical leave, and the supervisor asked her to resign. She is now unemployed.

After describing the experience, our Lovefraud reader asked: “Do we really just stand by and let these people hurt children, innocent disabled children, workers underneath them, and look the other way?”

Aggressive personalities

This is the most frustrating and disheartening aspect of learning what sociopaths are: Now we can identify them. We know what they are doing. We know that whomever they are doing it to will be damaged. And we feel like we can’t stop the exploiters.

Sociopaths, through charm, deceit and ruthlessness, ensconce themselves in positions of power, whether it’s in a work environment, an organization, a social network or a family. Their objective is to maintain power and control.

Dr. George K. Simon explains this in his book, Character Disturbance. He writes:

Aggressive personalities strive for the dominant position at all times and in all circumstances. This premise is very hard for the average person, especially the neurotic individual, to understand, let alone accept. It’s incomprehensible for most of us to conceive that in every situation, every encounter, every engagement, the aggressive personality is predisposed to jockey with us for the superior position, even in situations with no recognizable need to do so. The failure to understand and accept this, however, is how aggressive personalities so often succeed in their quest to gain advantage over others.

Sociopaths manipulate their way into dominant positions, and then continue to manipulate in order to stay there. The longer they are in these dominant positions, the more power they accumulate, and the less others are willing to go up against them.

And then we come along, perceive the dynamic, see the damage, and want to do something about it.

Understand the reality

I am all for exposing sociopaths in any way possible. I want to hold them accountable. I want justice for the people they victimize. I want to prevent them from hurting anyone else. But before I suggest that you take any action, I want to make sure you understand what you are dealing with. Here are some points to keep in mind:

1. Sociopaths are ruthless in pursuit of their objective. They will cajole, lie, cheat or bully—whatever gets them what they want. They do not care about following the rules, protocol or even the law. If sociopaths decide it’s more convenient to stay within the law, they may go right to the edge but not break it. Sociopaths are experts at operating in the gray areas.

2. People around the sociopath are likely already compromised. The sociopath has probably lined up allies, or at least people who are afraid to go against him or her. These people have been brown-nosed, bought off or intimidated.

3. You may already be compromised. If a sociopath is preparing to discard you, or perceives you as a threat, he or she may have launched a smear campaign, convincingly expressing concern about your behavior or mental stability to everyone you know. By the time you approach them with your concerns, they are primed to discount whatever you say.

4. The authorities may not act. Unless a law has clearly been broken, the police won’t do anything. And unless a case can be proven and won in court, a prosecutor won’t file charges. Also, whether law enforcement or any other authority decides to look into a matter may depend on the organization’s politics.

5. Sociopaths relish confrontation, and view it as a game to win. Even if you manage to get the person in court or some other arbitration venue, he or she will put on an incredible performance—using tears, righteous indignation, whatever—in order to come out on top. They are very, very good at it.

You come first

This is all really depressing. Do we really just stand by watching sociopaths run rampant, from one victim to the next?

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when contemplating exposing a sociopath: Your first responsibility is to yourself.

Are you in a position of strength? Your physical safety is most important, but you also need to be concerned about your financial, reputational and legal safety. When the sociopath counterattacks, which he or she will do, can you withstand it?

If you can’t engage a sociopath head-on, can you do anything covertly? Perhaps you can quietly tell people what the sociopath is really like, and let word-of-mouth take over.

If you decide to take on the sociopath, you’ll need two things: irrefutable evidence of the sociopath’s behavior, and nerves of steel. Many Lovefraud readers have no choice but to face the sociopath in court. If you do, you’ll need to stay calm, collected and professional at all times. The sociopath will most likely try to get an emotional reaction out of you. Do not react it’s like feeding the beast.

Spread the word

Perhaps it’s too dangerous for you to try to expose the particular sociopath that you tangled with. It doesn’t mean you have to stay totally silent on the subject.

Whenever an opportunity arises, teach people the basic truths about sociopaths: They exist, and they are destructive. Learn the signs of sociopathic behavior and explain them to others. If we raise the general awareness of these predators, there will be fewer people for them to victimize.


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28 Comments on "Do we really just stand by and let these people hurt others?"

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Truthspeak,

Thank you so much for your moral support and nice feelings. It feels so good to be understood by real people with empathy. I feel liberated from evil and I want to encourage all women to speed up their healing by thinking of their liberation which is our greatest gift of all after the traumas we’ve been through. I think that relating our stories in detail helps to see the drama we have lived for what it is and not dwell on our victim-of-a-sociopath side of the story but rather focus on our strengths for being survivors of a major emotional trauma and heroines for overcoming the trauma and luck for coming out alive and being liberated from demonic entities.
Thank you Truthspeak for your good point on the women’s health issue. Love

Hello everyone — Not been here in a while. I had to do a great deal of soul searching and prayer — and I had to do what I did EXACTLY right — and with the support of my daughter. So…. I sent the letter to IT’S wife. I sent it restricted delivery certified — and she received it three days later… and sent me a note right away thanking me for the letter and saying it was the answer to her prayers. This was just days before their anniversary, which needless to say, they did not celebrate. She spent her anniversary day in a divorce attorney’s office, and left him the very next day. He doesn’t know what hit him, and it’s about time he had the wind blown out of his sails.
Of course we are all being very cautious. The police have been notified, and he has been spoken to as well — so I don’t think there will be any problems. I remain vigilant — as do we all… But I feel like we WON this one… victims no more — and I feel so liberated and vindicated. Just wanted to share.

kathie2: so happy to hear that all has worked out for you and your daughter.
I have been thinking of you and wishing you both well.

Your plan sounds like it turned out wonderful.
Perhaps this will be a ‘turning point’ in “ITS” life somehow.
From the ‘wife’s’ reaction, from what you say, she was happy to have some proof of some sort and was able to get herself out of another can of worms, all together. Hm?

Congratulations.
I hope that you and your daughter now feel a little ‘vindicated’ and as if that sweet karma has come to your rescue and defense; funny thing about karma.

Yes, always remain vigilant with sociopaths.
You just never know when their thoughts take them over and they become an entirely different person. I am happy your local law enforcement has been notified and is aware of the situation. Bravo! Job well done.

Stay safe and vigilant in all paths of your life.
Times are changing so quickly and people are becoming so heartless and selfish anymore. I don’t mean to sound like a pessimist, but I just see things as they look. Know what I mean? I don’t think, after the YEARS of my experience, that I will ever trust another man around me, ever again. I am finished with being disrespected and used.

Take care of yourself, kathie2…

Dupey

I just saw your story on ”Who the bleep did i marry?” That piece of excriment that u married called James Montgomery should have his private part cut off and thrown in the clinker for life.What a worthless piece of crap he is.He should be sent to jail in the USA and made to work until he has paid all your money back.If it’s sounds too good to be true,it usually is.Anyways why would you go for such a homely mope in the first place.This guy was big on BS and short on actually doing anything but loafing.Sorry but i know people like this also and they are truely rotten to the core!

Your question, Donna, it also keeps running in my head, Do we just stand by and let …..? OMG, once we’re past the worst phase of our recovery from the trauma of being in a psychopathic bond, we start thinking, but what can we do to stop it, how can our experience and awareness of the nature of these predators help put a stop to their emotional carnage? Honestly I want to do something about it and I’m not thinking in retaliation terms, I’m thinking in Empathic terms. Solidarity comes to mind. We know how painful our experience with a sociopath is, is that not well-founded enough grounds to intervene in any way we can in the awareness-raising campaign that’s been initiated by many scholars, widely-renown victims, experts in the field, writers, etc? I want to do something about it and it’s doesn’t quite boil down to just letting the next victim in on her ‘sociopath’. We can’t just stand by and let it go on happening to others. Let’s spread the word and reduce the number of people the sociopaths victimize. Wherever I go I bring up the subject, I don’t care about misjudgments, I just care about letting the truth come into the open. Blessings

I say it depends on the situation.

His sister in law warned me that he was a sociopath – I did not believe her and honestly, wanted not to believe her and I did not know what that was until I looked up the word.

When he and I broke up he said he would find someone to take care of him – a rich widow and he did just that. He now lives in her million dollar home and driving her dead husbands luxury car. The dead husbands obituary is still on line (it has been 2 years) and I look at the photo and tell him I am sorry but there is nothing that can be done, his loving wife has fallen prey to a con man.

If in any way I tried to warn her – I most likely would be arrested – since I have been labeled – crazy, psycho, liar, disfunctional and all the rest of the words. My ex would lie until there was no tomorrow to ensure he stays with his cash cow. I feel sad for her. His sister in law said to me that he “loved me as much as he could” – her words still ring in my ears. How true…..

It’s interesting reading the various blogs on this site – that when we are labeled as crazy – we actually are the sane ones, it’s the other person who is crazy.

This is SUCH an important topic – thank you Donna.

Re: “outing” someone you suspect of being a psychopath/sociopath/malignant narcissist, etc… Saying “that person is X” to someone else generally isn’t the way to go about it; matter of fact that’s what abusive people do (except they are usually better at it, and more subtle than non-abuser)s. And it can leave that person you tell more vulnerable in the end if they believe you, but then go on to say the same things themselves to others, but without the ‘evidence’ or appropraite language at hand to properly describe it – language that you’ve developed over time and with a lot of hard work and research – including talking to other victims.

I think Donna has answered the question in her last paragraph – better to teach a person to fish than give them a fish.

We can – usually – say all we need to say by just describing the behaviours/condition WITHOUT EVER MENTIONING any one individual by name. If people just hear about how this whole business works, and can then start to connect the dots between the descriptions (which can be independently validated elsewhere) and the red flag behaviours they observe themselves (or their gut feel that ‘something’ is off) their understanding and by-in goes that much deeper. It gives them the tools they need to spot ALL the predators in their lives, not just the one particular one you’re trying to warn them about.

Plus, it weeds out those that are either supporters or sycophants from those people who will try to do the right thing if they are educated. Far better to refrain from directly accusing someone TO someone who will either out YOU to the abuser, or who will attack you for giving them information they have no intention of hearing in the first place. Providing the information without providing any pressure, or naming anyone specific, allows those people who want to to listen, while allowing those who don’t want to know, or who’s instinct is to defend the abuser, to just brush it off as irrelevant & non-threatening.

BTW, anyone heard from Oxy these days? Know how she’s doing? I’ve checked in a couple times lately but haven’t seen her posting. Did she have her operation?

OXY, if you’re reading this, I’m sending lots of ‘get well soon’ wishes!

EDIT: I forgot to mention the point I’d orginally logged in to make: that when it comes to warning others we need to take a page from the ‘successful’ psychopaths and play the ‘long game’ here. We won’t be able to save everyone, but we can certainly do our best to:

a) change the long-term conditions so that survivors can find help healing, and
b) try to create a tipping-point of awareness so that we stop creating environments which are conducive to predators to operate in with impunity.

I know it’s impossible to listen to anybody’s advice when under the love bombing spell, but in my case, it was my mother who kept telling me about real things that I didn’t want to listen to and through repetition somehow it helped me not to take things for granted, I mean, it made me step back and think that what felt too good to be true might be just that. I was happy but knowing that it was possible that the things that my mother said about my ex-psychopath might be true lessened my euphoria. So I’m just saying, be there for the targets involved if the opportunity arises and spread the word in a kind and comprehensible manner. In my case, the target knows about me because I appeared on TV with him, but he has run a smear campaign like they all do. I’m sure he’s told to her new target that I spent all his money and that’s why he’s broke, also that I was mentally sick blah blah blah, all lies, just turn his words around to and you get the truth. You know how the story goes. If I was her, I would contact his ex-gf (me) without him knowing and find out all I can about him but we women in our vanity commit the mistake of believing that we are better than the previous ones and that if he chooses us it must be because we are very special to him and we are better than any other one. Our vanity is their gateway to entangle us in their web. We are no better/prettier or more special than anybody else he’s been or ever will be with, we are just the same object as they all were, that’s the reality. I read somewhere that we need to get rid of our vanity and heal our traumatic child experiences or whatever emotional hole we carry with us which makes us visible to predators in order to stop falling prey to these psychopaths and that’s the homework we need to do to heal and never to relapse. And believe me if we ever find someone who values us in a special way, he will show it through their actions not love bombing. Blessings

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