Over the years, hearing many victim stories, I often felt the pain and loss of “stolen lives.” Note that having one’s life stolen is not the same process as giving one’s life away. There are some who spend 30 or more years in a relationship with a sociopath/psychopath and it is important people understand that there is always coercion involved in the process of making and maintaining these relationships.
Consider that the coercive behavior that begins and maintains relationships occurs on a continuum from persuasion, to lying/manipulation to taking someone physically by force. The point is that there was never informed, freely given consent. If the victim had known the truth of what they were dealing with, they never would have been in the relationship. The person they thought they were with and the life they thought they had, did not exist. As this website points out, the perpetrator was a fraud.
This kind of fraud should be a crime, especially when it results in pregnancy, but that is a discussion for another day.
As you are recovering and living what is left of your stolen life, you might gain inspiration from someone who experienced extreme relationship coercion, Jaycee Dugard, a woman who was kidnapped at age 11 and held 18 years. I highly recommend her book, A Stolen Life.
In the book, Jaycee tells the story of her: abduction, the birth of her two daughters when she was 14 and 16, her daily life and eventual rescue. The book is so well written, I felt close to her as I read it and so grateful she had the bravery to tell her story. This is one of the best descriptions of life with a psychopath that has ever been written. If you lived with a psychopath you will relate to the twisted reality she endured. Also consider that she presses on, making the best of the life she has left and so can you!
This quote gives you a taste of the twisted reality, you may relate to:
“I gave my power to my abductor. I was the one to comfort him when he was the one in the wrong. Where was my comfort? Where was my freedom? Why did I feel the need to comfort my tormentor? Violating my body was not enough? He had to violate my mind as well? He had the ability to turn every situation to suit his needs.”
If you like Jaycee, were coerced into giving up your power, you can also decide today to take it back.
For more on this story, watch Jaycee Dugard interview: Diane Sawyer speaks candidly with survivor.
[youtube_sc url=http://youtu.be/hIvctbfcBx8]
Wow, I am really feeling impacted by this book. It is triggering a lot of my old memories of being young and feeling imprisoned in a bleak life with my abusive stepfather and enabling mother who was more jealous of me than protective. I’m thinking I may have to write my own story pretty soon. I am glad Jaycee spoke out in a big way. I never spoke out, and even now I don’t speak of my abuse very often. I didn’t realize until reading her story that I still hide behind a veil of silence in some ways, even though a lot of people know parts of my story.
Star,
Just reading the little bit that I did, has ruined my whole day.
I’m not kidding, I have a sick feeling in my gut. It brought back all the evil of my spath and it hit me like a tidal wave.
The way she writes, I think, is part of it. There is no extraneous information. She writes her experience, the experience of an 11 year old. We all remember being that vulnerable and fearful. Yet she actually experienced what we all feared.
Now in our knowledge of how these evil people really think, we fill in the holes and her book is almost too much to bear.
Yeah, you should write your story but only when you’re ready. It will probably bring out a lot of pain.
I found her story to be very ‘triggering’ to me as well.
I had to take it in little ‘doses’ because it hit too close.
Like MONTHS in between doses.
I can so relate to her.
Completely.
Yes, Star, you should write your story!
My story is too ugly to go through again.
I will just take it with me to my grave and
hopefully it will just all stop there.
Not even my children know all the ugly parts.
Dupey
‘stolen life’. i told a friend a few months ago that i felt the spath had stolen my future. she interpreted that to mean that the spath stole my confidence. i appreciate her interpretation. i do feel completely unsure of myself most of the time – and by that i mean: i can be doing something i think is correct, seems right, or the thing to do, but i am so disconnected from myself that i feel little confidence.
at this time i think it comes down to needing more time to myself, more time away from working. i did so well the first month i had off, between jobs. it’s been a hard month. i do realize that i may have to quit one of my jobs, and have decided this weekend that i will take a day off from one of them this week – to be able to work on the other. ergh. to go on as i have would not be the best thing to do. i just can’t do both of these very demanding jobs at the same time.
i am in a position right now, where i deal with impassioned opposition to what the company i am working for is doing. and i am writing contingency plans for possible situations of agression and violence escalation at public meetings – oh yah, that’s a lot of fun. not. PTD is very tirggered. i gotta get real about this stuff. i am taking it waaaay too seriously, and at the same time not seriously enough…..as in where does taking care of ME fit into this picture?
but this weekend i kept running from it all – instead of dealing with it head on. rats. grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can….
A word to the wise: Do NOT go salsa dancing after reading Jaycee Dugard’s book. I attempted this tonight. It wasn’t pretty. I was not in the mood. I danced with both Mark and Jacques, my two teachers, and they had to constantly correct me because I was very off balance. I felt depressed, but I wanted to make an appearance and see my classmates who all go to this club on Sundays. (Also, I looked really really good, and wanted to make an impression on the guys I like). I’ve had such a crush on Jacques that when he finally asked me to dance, I blushed 3 shades of purple and got very flustered. Stupid crushes. lol
The guy from the more advanced beginner class that I like was there. He was so happy to see me and told me how my smile lit up the room. Of course, I was smiling because I was happy to see him. But when I was practicing some of the new moves with him, I just felt a loss of confidence. It didn’t help that my 4″ heels were very uncomfortable and I could barely walk in them. I hadn’t eaten much, and I was sweating because it was so hot with so many people there. I felt like I was gonna pass out. Finally, the guy I like (same guy I just mentioned) came over and asked me to dance. I told him I would be leaving soon because I just wasn’t feeling it tonight. He sat down and put an arm around my waist in that friendship kind of way, and it really made me feel so cared for. He said, “What if we just do some basic turns and cross body leads?” I said, “okay”. As I was dancing with him, the smile returned to my face. I just like his energy so much and enjoy the connection. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s not an exciting sexual energy. It’s a warm “home” kind of feeling. I don’t remember when I’ve felt like that with a man. I can just tell that he likes me too. It’s a nice feeling. No love bombing, not even an exchange of phone numbers. We’re just always happy to see each other. I made it a point to tell him I had such a big smile because he was there. I think you need to give men a little encouragement – even the confident ones. I feel this kind of emotional safety with him. I don’t feel it with my dance teachers, but then I hardly know any of them.
Anyway, I ended up leaving just feeling depressed, I think, because of being triggered by the book today. It made me realize how much I’ve kept inside my whole life and still keep inside. I so wish I had someone to tell these things to. Maybe that’s why I want to write the book. A hispanic guy that I’d danced with very briefly followed me out and asked for my phone number. We spoke a little in Spanish, and I gave him my number so we could maybe meet up tomorrow night at another salsa club to practice.
Dupey I’m sorry your past is too painful to even write about. It’s good that you know your limits and that you take care of yourself. My pain isn’t so much about what happened to me, but more about keeping my voice locked up inside. I actually feel a band of tension in my throat. I especially feel it now. It’s just the wanting to share about my life with someone so they can really know me. Many people know bits and pieces, but it’s not the same as having a really close friend to talk to. I really felt like if I get to know the salsa guy a little better, he might become a good friend. But I don’t want to scare him away with my issues at this early stage in the friendship. I will see him again for our classes on Thursday (he’s in the more advanced class but in the same room, so we still get to dance together). I hope to have it pulled together a little by then.
Sky, I can see why that book ruined your day. It didn’t exactly enliven mine. The way she describes her Stockholm’s syndrome type feelings is very much the way I remember my feelings with my stepfather and the prison I felt I lived in for 9 years with the enabling mother. I suppose that little girl inside is still waiting to be rescued.
BTW, in case anyone is interested, I found a video of Mark and Jacques, my salsa teachers, doing a “salsa steal” move. Mark is the tall thin one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsM7-CpXP00
The woman they are dancing with is Edie the Salsa Freak. She is the one who did the salsa boot camp I went to last year where I first met Mark and Jacques. She is their teacher and probably one of the top salsa teachers in the world.
onesteppers. I think our spath experience revealed so many ugly truths about our live’s before they ever came along. the spath’s knocked us flat on our faces. not only did we have to pull ourselves up and learn to breathe again, we had to examine everything about us..maybe our confidence was built on lie’s, we are product’s of our parant’s and all their crap as well..we are learning things we never knew before. and realizing how truly very alone we are..scarey.
Star,
yeah, I’m not as strong as I pretend to be, I guess. Or maybe it’s just certain days. The accumulation matters too. Funny thing about Salsa. When I first left the spath, I spent a few evenings video taping Salsa dancers on the beach. It was therapeutic and I uploaded to youtube. I’ll send them to you if you like. email me if you want to see them.
Hens,
all human beings’ confidence is built on a lie. We are nothing in the grand scale but we have to believe otherwise in order to continue moving. That’s the key. We have to have cog/dis and use it in our favor. How? By knowing what it feels like. I guess.
It’s been hard these last couple days. I’ve been focused on staying grounded in reality. All I see is spaths, when I do that.
Sky, my friend, there are good people out there. And if you need to write to me you are always welcome, if it helps. Yes, you can send me the salsa video. I love watching salsa dancers. I can only hope to be half as good as the good ones are some day. Sky, the pain will come out as you are ready to feel it and when you feel emotionally safe. It’s okay not to feel strong, and it’s okay to fall apart. I am a miserable mess today, but still I feel okay on some level. Like I know I will survive this too. I have a very happy and confident side. I am drawing on this to help me get through the tough times.
Yeah, it’s a tough book to read – I didn’t realize how hard it would be to read it. It’s not too much for me. I don’t mind being triggered. I consider it a good thing at this point. I only need an outlet for some of these feelings. I’m so used to bottling them up. I don’t feel like I have enough resources, and this is what I need to have in my life now. Trust is my big issue, so finding someone I can trust to open up with is key.
I’m thinking about calling my officemate whom I’ve gotten pretty close with. I know she cares and would be there for me. But I also know how busy she is with her family and career. Reaching out is hard. But I know I really have to.
Oh Sky Oh My. all humanity is built on a lie? We are nothing in the grand scale of things? No wonder we feel disconnected. Maybe the spath’s are on to something…eat or be eaten…
oh well at least we have humming birds…off to work..