Over the years, hearing many victim stories, I often felt the pain and loss of “stolen lives.” Note that having one’s life stolen is not the same process as giving one’s life away. There are some who spend 30 or more years in a relationship with a sociopath/psychopath and it is important people understand that there is always coercion involved in the process of making and maintaining these relationships.
Consider that the coercive behavior that begins and maintains relationships occurs on a continuum from persuasion, to lying/manipulation to taking someone physically by force. The point is that there was never informed, freely given consent. If the victim had known the truth of what they were dealing with, they never would have been in the relationship. The person they thought they were with and the life they thought they had, did not exist. As this website points out, the perpetrator was a fraud.
This kind of fraud should be a crime, especially when it results in pregnancy, but that is a discussion for another day.
As you are recovering and living what is left of your stolen life, you might gain inspiration from someone who experienced extreme relationship coercion, Jaycee Dugard, a woman who was kidnapped at age 11 and held 18 years. I highly recommend her book, A Stolen Life.
In the book, Jaycee tells the story of her: abduction, the birth of her two daughters when she was 14 and 16, her daily life and eventual rescue. The book is so well written, I felt close to her as I read it and so grateful she had the bravery to tell her story. This is one of the best descriptions of life with a psychopath that has ever been written. If you lived with a psychopath you will relate to the twisted reality she endured. Also consider that she presses on, making the best of the life she has left and so can you!
This quote gives you a taste of the twisted reality, you may relate to:
“I gave my power to my abductor. I was the one to comfort him when he was the one in the wrong. Where was my comfort? Where was my freedom? Why did I feel the need to comfort my tormentor? Violating my body was not enough? He had to violate my mind as well? He had the ability to turn every situation to suit his needs.”
If you like Jaycee, were coerced into giving up your power, you can also decide today to take it back.
For more on this story, watch Jaycee Dugard interview: Diane Sawyer speaks candidly with survivor.
[youtube_sc url=http://youtu.be/hIvctbfcBx8]
Stargazer
It was a rough night for me last night, staying up trying to finish the Jaycee Dugard story – almost finished – and then not being able to get to sleep for a few hours. I have a massage scheduled this morning (for me) and am very tired and underslept. I don’t really know how to integrate all of the bottled up feeling I have right now that makes me want to run away from my life. I will be damned if I sabotage the salsa lessons because of all this crap I go through over my past. I will find a way to deal with it. I’m too healthy to turn back. I will just write if I have to – anything to get the feelings out. Even blogging helps lift the lid that sits over my throat that’s been there since long before my stepfather even came into the picture when I was 7. It’s what happened growing up with narcissistic parents who didn’t care how I felt about anything, who never asked me any questions, who ony needed me to take care of their needs. This is the carnage. Because words are powerful, I won’t say it sucks because so much of the time I am feeling happy and light. I will say it’s very challenging. I compartmentalize this and it doesn’t seem fair. My inability to verbalize my feelings has cost me many friendships over the years. I intend to stop doing it, even if I have to write a book like Jaycee.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
(((((((((STAR)))))))))))
Stargazer
Thanks one joy. Back atcha. i needed that hug. Rough morning for me, but I’m doing okay. How are you doing?
Truthspeak
Stargazer, if there are things in your life, right now, that give you a sense of “good” emotional and physical healing, those things are priceless.
I’m not where you are, yet, and I can’t even claim “post” traumatic stress, yet. I’m still in the midst of the damages.
You’ve got determination, Stargazer, and you also have a clear grasp on your experiences, even if it’s uncomfortable. I believe that you’ll work through all of this in very good order.
Brightest blessings
one/joy_step_at_a_time
not great star – i have that wild feeling where i want to do harm to myself. this usually plays out in not taking care of myself. not taking time with myself. it’s coming up a lot lately. it’s a response to being in situations where i sacrifice myself/ feel i need to/ can’t figure out how to say no. makes me kind of crazed.
Stargazer
One joy,
I relate to your post so much. Been there so many times. It’s gotten better for me. Don’t give up on yourself. It’s okay to nurture yourself and pamper yourself. You deserve it. You deserve to be first in your life. It’s amazing how other people will manipulate us with their agendas when we cannot take a strong stand for ourselves. You have such a service-oriented attitude, which is a great thing. But it’s okay to take some time and just pull your energy back and not do anything for anyone beyond what is required by your job. You may not want to do that, but at least know it is your right if you want to exercise it.
Truthspeak, thanks for your words of encouragement. Yes, there are positive things in my life, and I refuse to let my past destroy those things. I will write a book if I have to and make my tragedy into something that can maybe help someone else, like Jaycee did. Like Donna did. I won’t let the bad guys win this one. I won’t.
I just treated myself to a 2-hour massage and plan to go back every month. Because I deserve it.
newlife43
WHAT DID THE SPATH GIVE ME AND WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LET IT GO?
I had a small ephipany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly,
did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before
and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the
way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still
the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on
with my life?
Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me
feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared,
confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated…well, you get the picture.
Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human
species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad
to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us
would take them back in a heartbeat.
Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the
same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their
spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I
had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my
bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and
didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His
Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in
his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we
lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But.
The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this
relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real
than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he
doesn’t them own, unless I let him.
My spath must of said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time
together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply
shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world.
Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset
because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it,
he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop
and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell
myself that when yet again, something breaks.
I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear
thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by
it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I
had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road
than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea
when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so
many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could
have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day,
he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.
I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone
and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how
yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.
So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love,
in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for
another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.
And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were
first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news
is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!
The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about
ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my
goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to
thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in
someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.
If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was:
“For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be
happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from
me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do
it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he
comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re
already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!
strongawoman
Ah yes Newlife, the heady days of lovebombing by the spath. Unfortunately, or fortunately I no longer see this ridiculous flattery as anything but a way for him to get what he wants. What he always wanted….control. Oh yeh, I was, still am as he continues to intrude, the most beautiful woman …….yada yada bla bla. He wanted my money, my house, my family, my joie de vivre, I think you called it. Would I give anything to relive those early days with him……Yeh, sure. Knowing what I know now …..all the lies, all the bs, all the scheming, …..yeh let me at him
IMconfused
Newlife,
You wrote: When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important.
Sounds reasonable, but maybe there’s more to this than what it appears to be. Perhaps it’s a pattern.
Mine also says things similiar to that. While he makes a good point, comments like these could also describe how he responds when he determines that I am “broken”.
No need for him to be upset…just make the “object” feel shamed and walk away…because the “object” is replaceable. (Oh, and it’s his actions, not his words, that scream that possibility.
You can never make my SP feel shame because he’s always right…except for those times when he acknowledges that he did or said something wrong, but only because of the information that he had at the time.
If he admits he did or stated something wrong, his information source is responsible for giving him the wrong information! He acted or reacted based upon bad information…if he had just been informed correctly…well he doesn’t need to accept any blame for what the other guy stated!
Truthspeak
IMconfused, I never experienced a sincere apology, at any time during my marriage to either exspath. Any apology was followed by, “…but, if….” It was never, ever, “What I did was wrong, and I’m sorry that this made you feel _____.”
Spaths do not (and, can not) apologize because they aren’t doing anything wrong, in their Universe, even if what they’re doing is clearly illegal and criminal. There is always someone or someTHING to blame.
As for replacing things that are “broken,” it’s just an indication that nothing has value – everything can be replaced. There is no sentimental attachment or “family” attachment, even if it’s something of market value.
ick…..pond scum is offended to be lumped in the same category as socipaths….