Over the years, hearing many victim stories, I often felt the pain and loss of “stolen lives.” Note that having one’s life stolen is not the same process as giving one’s life away. There are some who spend 30 or more years in a relationship with a sociopath/psychopath and it is important people understand that there is always coercion involved in the process of making and maintaining these relationships.
Consider that the coercive behavior that begins and maintains relationships occurs on a continuum from persuasion, to lying/manipulation to taking someone physically by force. The point is that there was never informed, freely given consent. If the victim had known the truth of what they were dealing with, they never would have been in the relationship. The person they thought they were with and the life they thought they had, did not exist. As this website points out, the perpetrator was a fraud.
This kind of fraud should be a crime, especially when it results in pregnancy, but that is a discussion for another day.
As you are recovering and living what is left of your stolen life, you might gain inspiration from someone who experienced extreme relationship coercion, Jaycee Dugard, a woman who was kidnapped at age 11 and held 18 years. I highly recommend her book, A Stolen Life.
In the book, Jaycee tells the story of her: abduction, the birth of her two daughters when she was 14 and 16, her daily life and eventual rescue. The book is so well written, I felt close to her as I read it and so grateful she had the bravery to tell her story. This is one of the best descriptions of life with a psychopath that has ever been written. If you lived with a psychopath you will relate to the twisted reality she endured. Also consider that she presses on, making the best of the life she has left and so can you!
This quote gives you a taste of the twisted reality, you may relate to:
“I gave my power to my abductor. I was the one to comfort him when he was the one in the wrong. Where was my comfort? Where was my freedom? Why did I feel the need to comfort my tormentor? Violating my body was not enough? He had to violate my mind as well? He had the ability to turn every situation to suit his needs.”
If you like Jaycee, were coerced into giving up your power, you can also decide today to take it back.
For more on this story, watch Jaycee Dugard interview: Diane Sawyer speaks candidly with survivor.
[youtube_sc url=http://youtu.be/hIvctbfcBx8]
I continue to work on my healing however wanted to pass along a book that helped me tremendously: Your Soul’s Plan by Robert Schwartz. It helped me overcome feeling like a victim (most of the time, not completely there yet) as well as coping with the feeling that I need to “save” everyone who is exposed to the P/S.
http://www.amazon.com/Your-Souls-Plan-Discovering-Meaning/dp/1583942726
At the very least it provides food for thought while we are on our journey.
Only we, who have experienced stolen lives, can come close to identifying what Jaycee went through. What a beautiful brave child and woman she is to share her story and help educate the world about these creatures, Thankfully she has been freed to get her life back and he will never be able to tough her children.
I lost ten years to a psychopath…from age 18 to 28. He got me right after my mother died when I was 18. He was so wonderful and changed into a monster on our wedding night. No question then, he owned me. We had two children before I got away. I got out and protected my children as much as I could. but he lured my son away at age 14. Blessedly I got him back when he went to college but he is still damaged. Now for the last 15 years he has targeted my daughter and now my grandchildren. He has my daughter so pulled in that she thinks I am the sick one. And I have been acting crazy with my PTSD reactivated…I was pulled into the triangle and he took another 15 years of trying to save my daughter. She has now estranged herself from me and taken away my grandchildren because I answered my 9 year old granddaughter’s questions about why I do not like him in a very mild and age appropriate manner. I did not tell her I do not like him, that was either obvious to her or her parents told her that but I am the guilty one for telling the truth and trying to give her a little warning to protect herself.
So he has taken 25 years and counting now. Not to mention the years of visitation rights and child support when he was not actively targeting us. I guess I just have to let my daughter and grandchildren go because there is nothing I can do. You cannot win against a psychopath and they go free most of the time. He abused three wives and three stepchildren before he decided to take my daughter.
I will probably never be free of him because of my children so it is a life sentence for me…so far from age 18 to age 65.
I’ve found the more I try to intervene (however gently) with anyone/anything who even has a loose association with the P, it makes things worse. So I’ve taken a similar approach as you Betsy and just decided to let go. Thankfully so far I do still have regular contact with my young adult son but FAR less than he has with his P father. I am concerned that my son inherited P traits (rampant in my ex’s family) but in my mind the jury is still out on that one. Perhaps your daughter has inherited some of those traits as well which would explain her behavior towards you.
Ex husband was spath. Also a pathological liar who truly believed his own lies, which is why he was so convincing.
He got in big trouble at work, but passed a lie detector test and the charges were dropped. (I’m embarrassed to say that I checked out several books for him on lie detectors at the local public library. But only after he coerced me through rage and threatened to physically harm me.)
He convinced authorities that the woman who wanted to press charges was an alcoholic and a nymphomaniac. It didn’t help her case at all since she was an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous at the time.
He manipulated the male authorities into dismissing the woman’s written complaint by saying that it was something she had copied straight from a romance novel!!!
Spath was very smug and highly amused that he totally manipulated the whole situation. Of course, it fueled his warped perception that he had superior intelligence and power. Truly dangerous combination in the mind of a Spath!!!
Part 1 – I was married to a Sociopath/Emotional Terrorist!!!
Now it all makes perfect sense! I was married to a narcissistic sociopath. He was extremely handsome, very intelligent and well-educated. He was really charming and believed that he was perfect. Unfortunately, he also had a Jekyll/Hyde personality and a violent temper. Dangerous combination!!!
After suffering 11 long years of abuse, I finally realized that I was married to an emotional terrorist!!! I finally KNEW that the man was crazy and would never change because he thought he was perfect. So, I divorced ‘Satan’. Even though he had a mistress/finance while we were married and no longer wanted me, he launched a total war against me when I left him because he was no longer in control.
He truly believed that he was perfect. Whenever something went wrong—as determined by him—it was always everybody else’s fault; especially mine. He never took responsibility for anything. He would go into a total rage over anything little thing. This was extremely confusing because it was random. I spent 11 years trying to figure out the pattern and avoid his rages. But there wasn’t one. The only pattern was that he always found something to blame on me and then go into a rage.
He even had regular fantasies and truly believed that he was going to be President of the United States some day!!! He did run for public office, but that abruptly ended when the local newspaper reported during his campaign that I had gotten a restraining order, gone to a domestic violence shelter and filed for divorce. Just before I left him, he was choking me, threatening to snap my neck and kill me—and he knew how to do it from military training. I was terrified and just couldn’t take the abuse anymore. If I hadn’t left when I did, he would have killed me.
Also, during the marriage he would physically over-power me and spank my bottom until it was black and blue. Then he would blame it on me saying, ’you know how easily you bruise’. It was very humiliating!!! Oftentimes, he would grab my arm and leave bruises. There were many times that he pushed me and/or grabbed me and threw me across the room.
Most of the torture from him was emotional/mental and verbal abuse. My character was constantly assaulted and assassinated for the slightest things. I walked on egg shells and tried so hard to be perfect. But there was no way to avoid his violent temper. Almost daily, he’d go off about something insignificant. But the next time, he’d find something totally different and unrelated to have a fit about. I lived in a constant state of fear and extreme upset. I was a complete wreck!!!
Also, I was terribly lonely, isolated and heartbroken. He did not allow me to have any friends and we moved often (military). He also did not allow us to have any couple friends, because he said that HE didn’t need them. Of course, he couldn’t have cared less about my needs.
He managed to convince me that my family was stupid and an embarrassment. (They weren’t, they were/are really nice normal people.) Of course, we never went to visit them because he had absolutely no use for them. I felt so ashamed and was afraid of how he would act. Sadly, it was just easier to give in and do what he demanded. He would never let me have what I wanted anyway. He also threatened to kill me if anyone ever found out what was really going on (e.g., that he was abusive to me).
While I was at the domestic violence shelter with our daughter, he hired a PI to follow me from work. When he found out the location, he parked his car directly across the street from the shelter. Then he called the main number to the shelter and announced to them that he knew exactly where the shelter was located. One of the counselors thought she was calling his bluff and challenged that he couldn’t know since it was unlisted and undisclosed. He loudly told them that he was parked outside and could see their office window. This totally freaked out the shelter staff members!! He then demanded to speak to ’his child’ immediately. To appease him, the staff put our daughter on the phone. Of course, Spath took great delight in creating tremendous trauma and panic at the domestic violence shelter!!!
Part 2 – I was married to a Sociopath/Emotional Terrorist!!!
There was also his constant cheating and multiple affairs. During our marriage, I suffered greatly wondering where he was, who he was with, and when he would finally be coming home. After we divorced, one of his military buddies told me that Spath had a secret 2nd life with a mistress in another state that went on for several years during our marriage!!! BTW, this was not the same woman that he married immediately after our divorce.
Being married to Spath was extremely difficult. I did 100% of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, ironing, child care, errands, bill payment, etc. He did keep the yard mowed during the marriage. Except for one summer when we lived in the hot South and he demanded that I perform the chore. The actual temps were 100 to 105 degrees. He was mad at me for months and punishing me because I found out about the affair he had shortly after we had gotten married. This makes no sense!!!
Anyway, it was also difficult being married to him because he would suddenly, unexpectedly show up with the expectation that I should have had a piping hot home cooked meal magically ready and waiting for him—even though I had no idea that he would be coming home that day/night. This is just more evidence of the craziness and control that go along with being in a relationship with a Spath.
The court battle for divorce ended up being a 2+ year bloodbath. He was awarded the marital residence. I gave up my half the 4 rental properties because he kept badgering me and threatening to bankrupt me with them (for example, if there was an unexpected repair bill). I knew there would be no reasoning with him on anything, so had them legally signed over to him. That way, they were legally no longer my responsibility and I didn’t have to ever deal with him again. He also was awarded the small airplane. The only thing that he allowed to be divided fairly was the furniture. He didn’t really want any of it because his mistress/finance already had all the designer stuff after divorce from her wealthy husband.
Spath worked at a large investment brokerage and had already hidden all of the marital investments but lied and claimed that everything had been lost in failed investments. I was advised by a federal investigator that because of his occupation I would never find the money, so let it go and move on with my life. So, that’s what I did. But Spath had another trick up his sleeve and forced me to declare bankruptcy.
Spath also deliberately forced me into bankruptcy. He slept with the District Court Judge’s assistant, trying to influence the outcome of the trial. He also tried to control the court dates because he found out I had moved to another state (location unknown to him–which really enraged him, even though he had married one of the other women with whom he was screwing around while we were married and while she was also married). He admitted to my attorney that he was deliberately cancelling at the last minute saying that he couldn’t leave work just so that I would get stuck with the extra air fare expense. My attorney was great and able to make sure that did not happen.
Spath even showed up at my bankruptcy court hearing, demanding things and tried to tell the judge how to rule. Fortunately, it was a very experienced judge who saw through Spath’s tricks immediately. He ordered Spath to shut up and sit down, saying that he (the judge) was in charge of the court proceeding, not Spath!!!
Part 3 ”“ I was Married to a Sociopath/Emotional Terrorist!!!
The long-term stress and trauma almost killed me. I thought I was going crazy. I dared not talk to anyone because he had threatened to kill me if I did.
Of course, he told all his family and our friends that I had ‘mental problems’ and that nothing I said about him was true. Since he was so totally charming, they all believed him!!! This was after I went to the shelter, received a restraining order and started divorce proceedings. It was also after he went to jail for violating the restraining order. 100% of our supposed friends severed all contact with ME!!
There were a few times during the marriage when Spath actually cried. Now I know that it was all a game to him. He had no conscience or remorse about anything that he had done. He only did it to get what he wanted and ’win’!!!
All I can say is, Thank God I got out alive!!! After I left him, I felt like I had been released from a concentration camp. I realized how totally toxic this man was to me and severed all contact. In fact, I moved halfway across the country to an undisclosed state to get away from him completely. It took me several years to rebuild my life. Now, I have joy and peace in my life.
Thank you for reading about my unfortunate experience with a sociopath. There is something healing about finally being able to tell the truth about what really happened.
My heart goes out to all of you who have had to deal with the ravages of being in a relationship with a sociopath. There IS life and healing on the other side!!!
Charm4u, welcome to LoveFraud, and I’m so sorry to read of your experiences.
I’m so glad that you’re recovering. Your recovery provides hope for those of us who are fighting our ways out.
Brightest blessings to you
Somewhere on the LoveFraud Blog,I have seen the term ‘firestorm’ applied to the early part of our recovery period from our spath.That would define where I’m at.Although this has nothing to do with the book that was being discussed in earlier comments,I thought it worthy of being mentioned because I realized that some of the anger & sadness within was able to be released when I watched Alex Haley’s “Queen” today.When I was younger I had seen earlier episodes of “Roots”.Some or many of you may know that Halle Berry portrayed Queen.She was Alex’s grandmother.Anyway,she suffered greatly,not only herself,but by the things she saw.The affects it had on her mind would not show up for years.Strong person,she was.When she “lost it” and then when her husband had to take her to the insane asylum(thankfully it was only temporary),I was reminded of how CLOSE I came to that situation myself!!!Then later today,I read a comment posted back in Aug,from a reader dying of cancer who felt she has learned to be so forgiving.I cried then,too.Because those were my feelings all those 28 yrs that I stayed with my spath!But I finally realized that I was in a LOSING battle as long as I stayed with him,and begged my dr for help.I was fortunate.She helped me realize there was ONLY ONE solution-eventually leave.Two days later,without mentally having to draw up any courage,I walked out the door,never to return.What happened?!After fixing his breakfast and finally settling down to eat mine;after getting the first spoonful of rice in my mouth,my throat started closing up-I couldn’t breathe!My husband called me a drama queen repeatedly-I calmly put the bowl down on the counter and walked out the door!Guess what?!!My throat opened up and I was breathing just fine!
Blossom4th,
I’m not sure where you saw the term “firestorm” but believe me many if not all of us understand the term “crazymaking” here because that is what they do, they make us CRAZZZZY!
Your insightful experience with your breakfast and your courage to get up and walk out are wonderful and I applaud you loudly!!!! (Sound of BOTH hands clapping!)
Accepting the truth about our situations is difficult for most if not all of us again. We see what is wrong but we can’t accept it, or we think we must be mistaken, or that somehow the problem is our fault and if we just try harder, work harder, it will all come together and be fixed. Well, we can’t fix them, and they won’t fix themselves. We can only fix ourselves. BTW Wise doctor you have.
Glad you are here at LF. When I first came here I was living in hiding from the man my son sent to murder me, crying uncontrollably, and “crazy as a sheet house rat” (that’s a technical medical term, if you don’t understand it I’ll get you a definition. LOL 🙂 )