My 100% responsibility.
I had a glass of wine last night with a girlfriend who is leaving for a three month holiday at the beginning of February. Where she’s going is not important — except when put in the context of who is at the place she’s going to. A man. A man she once loved who could not, would not commit. A man who hid behind silence. Who never told her where he was, what he was doing or who he was with.
She spent the first year after leaving him healing her broken heart. And then she started dating. A few months ago she decided to phone the man far away. “We were such good friends. Friends stay in touch and I just wanted to see how he was,” she told me.
With that phone call, the game was on. Three months ago she decided to go visit him. “Great!” he said. Now, plans laid, trip organized, her packing almost complete, he has stopped calling and stopped taking her calls.
“Why does he do that?” she asked.
“Because he can,” I replied.
I also had lunch with a friend yesterday who, after 15+ years of marriage, told his wife on Sunday night that he is leaving. “I didn’t tell her I know about her lies, the cheating, the affairs,” he said. “I just told her the love is gone. It’s time for me to leave.” She shed two tears, he said, and that was that. And then he told me when he got home last night, she did everything in her power to seduce him. “I love you,” she said. “I promise to give you everything you want. Don’t leave me.”
“Why does she do that?” he asked.
“Because she can,” I replied. “Because it’s what she does.”
When I was with the psychopath, he did what he did because he could, because it is what he does.
While I was with him, I focused my energy on coping with what he did, coping with his lies disguised as truths, coping with my confusion, my fear, my anxiety and avoided, at all costs, coping with the truth — what he was doing wasn’t what was making the biggest difference in my life. I was. By not focusing on my ‘doing, I was choosing to live with his abuse, his lies, his deceit, his manipulations.
What I wasn’t doing was making the difference between living with abuse — or not. I wasn’t looking at me as the root of my own sickness. I was looking at him continually — looking for my answers in what he was doing, saying, being — and not checking myself out against what I was doing, saying, being by remaining in his duplicitous embrace. I continually denied what I knew to be true — he was lying. I continually told myself, ‘it can’t be true that he is lying’ and instead reminded myself, ‘It must be true. He loves me. He wouldn’t lie to me.”
The lie in that statement was — I positioned the pain of my existence in the context of his loving me.
The truth is, from hello to good-bye, I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly — everything was predicated on the lie of what he was doing, saying and being. In my denial of the truth, I bought into his lies and gave up on me.
I never asked myself the tough questions, What do I feel about what he’s doing? How does it affect me? What can I do to change my situation? What if I give myself permission to leave without hearing his voice telling me I can’t? What if I quit calling his abuse love? What if I quit taking responsibility for his bad behaviour and instead, take responsibility for my own?
If by chance, I did happen to ask myself one of those tough questions, I always completed my answer with — I can’t leave him… and then I recited the litany of reasons he’d told me why I could never leave. In the process, I became very, very emotionally sick. In my ill-health, I never gave myself the cure I needed to rid myself of the disease causing my illness — I never left him because I kept my focus on trying to figure out him — not trying to figure out a way to heal myself.
For me, focusing on his behaviours, trying to figure out why he was doing what he was doing, continually looking for meaning in everything he said, and keeping the light fixed on him, kept me stuck in confusion. It kept me from shining the light on my own behaviour. My constant angst around his bad behaviour protected me from having to face my bad decision-making, poor judgement in character — and ultimately, face myself, with tender loving care.
I feel for both my friends yesterday. Theirs is not an easy road. Both will have to decide to either do what is best and caring of them — or not. Both will have to give themselves medicine — or not. Both will have to turn up for themselves and let the other person go — or not.
Turning up for me has been a constant journey into self-love. It has been a continuous quest for finding my truth within me — and letting go of looking for my answers out there. Whatever answers I find in someone else will always be best for them. Just as whatever answers someone else finds within me, will always be first and foremost best for me.
In healthy self-care, the person I keep healthiest must be myself. I cannot properly care for my daughters without first taking care of me. If I always jump to their aid, continually do for them and not do for myself, I will drain myself of energy, of passion, of commitment. For in my desire to do for them always, I let go of my responsibility to do for me so that I am strong enough, courageous enough, healthy enough to do for them what is loving, supportive and caring.
Once upon a time, I gave up on me and gave into a man who told me he had all my answers. He was my shortcut to happiness. Lost on that road to hell, I found myself again beneath the debris of his tumultuous passing through my life.
In healing, I have awakened to the truth within me — I am 100% responsible for my journey. I am 100% responsible for living in the light of love, for turning up for me and living this one wild and precious life as if it is the only life I’ve got — it is. It is my responsibility to live it up.
The question is: Where do you let go of responsibility for your one wild and precious life looking for someone else to turn the light on?
This spot on: :”Why does he do that?” she asked. “Because he can,” I replied.
This post wonderfully makes the point that when one is in the situation there’s very little benefit in trying to understand the psychopath. The more important and devastating question is, as you suggest: “Why do I do what I do?”
My N was sneaky and subtle about things – no obvious bad behaviour, no physical violence or verbal abuse, we never had a face to face argument.
Reliable, charming and polite, rushing the relationship, I was the special one, declaring love – in the first 3 months.
The next phase- ‘measuring’ out of his time with me, cancelling arrangements (tired, having to work late, no money) and cancelling special days. Dropping hints and bizarre statements about other people hitting on him. Odd statements about having demons, and the ‘voices’ in his head saying that they dont like people.
If I raised concern about his behaviour, he would walk out without a word and dump my stuff on the doorstep. Him ‘collecting’ the phone numbers of married women at work’ and constantly talking about these women in a provocative way. I ‘knew’ he was up to something and started checking up on him quite early on in the relationship. I was just waiting for him to overstep my red line. When he gave me the phone numbers with the women on, I just couldnt believe it, then I started to realise what a facade he had constructed.
In the end, I looked ‘in’ on the relationship like an outsider and realised that he was cleverly keeping one foot out of the relationship and pretending to have one foot in. I came to my senses, after acting as a detective, and even considering hiring a detective – I decided that I didnt need proof, I didnt need to make sense of it all. It just made me feel uncomfortable and angry, was draining my energy – that was the point I started focusing on myself and the reality and got rid of him.
When I questioned it all, I realised the power play in the push pull, attach and detach – because he could! Not being the manipulative type myself, it had never occured to me how much effect such behaviour has.
I’ve been reading this site for quite some time now and this is the first time I’ve posted a message. This particular blog has to be the most direct, insightful, dead on message I’ve ever read. It is my life.
I decided that I didnt need proof, I didnt need to make sense of it all. It just made me feel uncomfortable and angry, was draining my energy – that was the point I started focusing on myself and the reality and got rid of him. —Beverly
I love that you said that above. I kept waiting for clear solid evidence over and over — I had alot in the beginning and was talked into trying again a few times. Then he got way better at deception. I had odd feelings and felt he was acting too good to be true based on the prior actions that I had proof of. But I finally realized it was time to stop trying to make sense of things, I was drained and worn emotionally trying to keep up with what was truth, lies and half-lies. Its been a couple weeks now without him, I brought all his stuff he was storing in my garage to him yesterday and I am finally feeling I can think about me again and not be so focused on his antics.
M.L.,
Wow, this was great. Yes! Give up needing to know “why” about his actions and look at “why” about my own actions (or inactions). I think this was what I was trying to say in my essay but I didn’t say it the same way.
Your above thoughts are going to hit a lot of people, powerfully. This is what we are here to learn, isn’t it? To love ourselves, protect ourselves, be responsible for ourselves.
Now, I am trying to be open to dating and I feel lost because my definition of love is gone and I don’t know what I should feel or how I should act with men. I do know what I shoulddn’t do… I shouldn’t offer my heart on a platter like I used to.
Thanks for a brilliant and insightful and honest entry. I will read this again and again.
:o)
I don’t entirely agree with the sentiments expressed in this post.
Unfortunately, many times these sickos target very helpless individuals-children, the elderly, the mentally ill, the physically ill and disabled.
These folks, for all intents and purposes, are pretty defenseless against the perpetrators of their abuse-which often times turn out to be a Sociopath family member or caretaker.
In the case of a self-sufficient, healthy, independent adult, I can see how it could be “empowering” to look to oneself and contemplate:
-why the signs were missed
-how one stayed so long
-how one “allowed” it to happen
-recognize one’s focus wound up being on the perp instead of themselves and the destruction occurring in one’s life (as a result of the connection to the perp)
but perhaps this endeavor can also be a bit misleading.
Isn’t it tantamount to saying, “If only I had been ‘sufficiently cautious/aware, capable of exercising forethought/sound judgment” back then, instead of being “shocked, stunned, ‘focused on the wrong things’, unable to achieve sufficient caution/awareness and sound judgment under the conditions present” I could have prevented victimization/powerlessness?”
The implied conclusion might then be, “I will be safe now that I am a “sufficiently cautious and aware” person who “recognizes my part” and “focuses on the right things” now, therefore I would never “allow” or “become trapped in” a situation in which I find myself powerless ever again. It seems probable that one will not find themselves victimized by the same type of situation again but is it certainty? Natural disasters occur all of the time, will cautious awareness prevent the feelings of powerlessness if one’s home burned to the ground one day? What if the powerlessness experienced in losing the home caused stress which impacted the ability to be sufficiently cautious and aware-would that mean one failed to be a responsible person?
It is not a just world and bad things happen to good people (Just World Hypothesis). Invulnerability is an illusion (Assumptive World Theory) as is “total control over one’s life”. Gaining a sense of empowerment through self-blame, by “looking at your part” is one method of coping with the traumatic aftermath of having been rendered powerless at one time, but is it the best route to go for all and how beneficial is this viewpoint? This type of thinking is referred to as “past control” or “behavioral self-blame” – If one finds oneself to share fault in some way- then one always had control over things and can therefore feel less vulnerable. The pitfalls of taking on this viewpoint is that it could have the negative effect of causing a propensity for avoidance and social withdrawal in an attempt to retain a sense of being in control.
-Stunned
The thinking around ‘how did I miss the red flags’, ‘how did I stay so long’etc. etc. have got to be thoughts that have crossed most of our minds. ‘Cheeky monkeys’ (losers) come in different formats and I have had a few in my time.
For me the bottom line, is that if I exercise my boundaries and only invite the people into my life who have genuine and consistent behaviour, then I will be ruling out quite a few types of the cheeky monkeys – but it doesnt mean to say that I insure myself against any uncertainty. Uncertainty is part of life. But we also have choices and our range of choices is exercised by the experiences we have and what we learn along the way.
Thank you everyone who has responded. Very powerful comments and insights.
The psychopath was not the first man with a disorderly temperment that I had dated. He was the most destructive.
In accepting my role in what happened I am not blaming myself — in fact, I believe in accepting that I had choices which I chose not to make, I take responsibility for myself and hold myself accountable for my role in that debacle.
Accepting my role is not about sharing fault — he is 100% responsible and accountable for what he did — it is about acknowledging that I had faulty boundaries and poor self-esteem. I lost my voice in that relationship. In healing, I claim my right to speak up and protect myself, to be responsible for myself, to be accountable for me and all my actions.
Some time ago I spoke with a woman who asked — if I am 100% accountable for what happened to me, does that mean I’m to blame for his hitting me?
Absolutely not, I replied. Abuse is wrong. We are never responsible for someone else’s abuse. We never deserve to be abused. However, when someone lies to me and I know they lied, or someone hits me and I stay — then I have made a choice. I know what they are capable of — and I stay. That has nothing to do with them. Everything to do with me — what I am/was thinking. What I believe I deserve.
I never deserved his abuse. I stayed not because he lied to me. I stayed because I chose to believe his lies in the face of the truth of his abuse.
Post the sociopath, I claim my right to be free. Post the sociopath I claim my right to be a fearless woman because I know that no matter what someone else does, I have the right to make choices that support me, nurture me, love me and keep me free.
There are people in the world who hold a different world view than I do. I embrace their right to do what they must to find their happiness — when their way differs dramatically from my values, beliefs and principles, it is up to me to make choices that state unequivocally — this is not where I belong.
The beauty of claiming 100% responsibility for what happens in my life is I can’t blame anyone else for what happens to me. Sure, there will be accidents. There will be encounters of the psychopathic kind. It is my responsibility to be discerning in my life, to live according to my values, beliefs and principles and to not compromise myself by looking for my answers in someone else. I deserve to live free of fear. Free of abuse. I can’t stop an abuser. I can stop abuse in my life.
To be free, to be all that I am meant to be, I cannot avoid life, nor people.
To be free, I must remain conscious of my choices, of my power, of my responsibility to live without fear.
Long ago, I feared speaking my mind. I feared my light almost as much as I feared my shadow.
Today, I cast my light on my shadow and fearlessly embrace every part of me.
What an awesome place to be!
Stunned, I hear what you are saying. They do target the weak. It is their nature. For me, education is essential. Sharing my learning, sharing my journey, my experience is the only way I know how to help others find their own truth.
I didn’t know how faulty my boundaries were when I met the sociopath. Now I do. Can’t change one iota of that journey — but I sure can joyously claim my right to live fearlessly and joyfully today. For me, it’s not about avoiding intimacy. It’s about stepping into it empowered by the knowledge I’ve gained about who I am.
ML
The text is very helpful and as I have been a victim of a person with all the symptoms of a perverse (sociopath/psycopath), I understand every feeling printed here. But there is one point with which I don’t agree 100% with.
I could tell my story here, but briefly, I’m a 27 years old Brazilian living in South Africa and for 16 months I had my life used by a South African man, who seemed to everyone (my family, friends) to be a good person. When I found out who he IS, I was devastated, I was in shock for almost 2 months and after those 2 months, I decided I was going to live. I never took anti-depressives because I knew if I wanted to recover completely from that, I would have to suffer everything that was going to come.
But I’m commenting here to say:
Although I admit my guilt, because it is very distressful being under the “guidance” of a sociopath and I didn’t “free” myself before the worst (or the best) happened – when I found out who he is – I didn’t know that LIFE IS WONDERFUL, and that I can feel loved without a man to make me feel loved. I believed life was that anxiety that I lived in, always expecting any poor manifestation of “care” or “love” from that demented person who I believed to be my lover.
What I want to say is that we, victims of these morally diseased people, are not the only ones to blame. I think that LIE is one of the worst weapons in the world and the injures it causes are very very painful, it makes us think for some time (in my case) that there is no love or justice in life and that there is no point in living. For that reason, for such perversity against a person, I believe that life (or death, as I’m Christian) will revenge over liars.
Furthermore, I would like to tell those who are STILL suffering, that if such a disgrace happened, it probably happened to make you see that life goes beyond that false love sociopaths give us.
If you seek love in what you enjoy in life, you’ll find everything you need to be happy as you wish. It sounds funny, but it worked in my case. I found SO many wonderful things in life that there is not enough space or time to describe them. Of course I’m sad sometimes and I cry, but I’m a much more balanced person now and I feel I have found the “happiness formula”. Unfortunately, I found it through the toughest way, but is there another one? If you don’t experience hell, how will you know when you’re living in heaven?
Another thing I would tell the ones who still mourn for the loss of their old life is: going away to a place far from every memory with the sociopath helped me a lot, also because it was one of my favorite places in the world, away from any trouble and with friends that love me and care about me. This website also helped me a lot.
I’m sorry for my faulty English.
Kindest regards
Patricia
It took me 10 long years of breaking up, going back, filing for divorce 4 times and getting talked out of it. BUT finally hte light triggered from one last transgression that for whatever reason was the last straw. this time i filed for the divorce myself, gave up trying to get back the $120k he’s swindeled from me as ‘loans’ and I am free.
my mind is not totally free yet i must admit- well more like my wounded heart- and i miss having even the little companionship he afforded me. but having my family back and making ammends for the transgressions i committed in HIS name against them, keep me going.
I have a long way to go but much of what ML writes resonates with me. As someone said to me: no one held a gun to your head to do what you did. but his own sister said: no, he held a gun to your HEART instead.
Keep your fingers crossed that i stay smart and savvy and don’t ever make this mistake again. Kathryn