My 100% responsibility.
I had a glass of wine last night with a girlfriend who is leaving for a three month holiday at the beginning of February. Where she’s going is not important — except when put in the context of who is at the place she’s going to. A man. A man she once loved who could not, would not commit. A man who hid behind silence. Who never told her where he was, what he was doing or who he was with.
She spent the first year after leaving him healing her broken heart. And then she started dating. A few months ago she decided to phone the man far away. “We were such good friends. Friends stay in touch and I just wanted to see how he was,” she told me.
With that phone call, the game was on. Three months ago she decided to go visit him. “Great!” he said. Now, plans laid, trip organized, her packing almost complete, he has stopped calling and stopped taking her calls.
“Why does he do that?” she asked.
“Because he can,” I replied.
I also had lunch with a friend yesterday who, after 15+ years of marriage, told his wife on Sunday night that he is leaving. “I didn’t tell her I know about her lies, the cheating, the affairs,” he said. “I just told her the love is gone. It’s time for me to leave.” She shed two tears, he said, and that was that. And then he told me when he got home last night, she did everything in her power to seduce him. “I love you,” she said. “I promise to give you everything you want. Don’t leave me.”
“Why does she do that?” he asked.
“Because she can,” I replied. “Because it’s what she does.”
When I was with the psychopath, he did what he did because he could, because it is what he does.
While I was with him, I focused my energy on coping with what he did, coping with his lies disguised as truths, coping with my confusion, my fear, my anxiety and avoided, at all costs, coping with the truth — what he was doing wasn’t what was making the biggest difference in my life. I was. By not focusing on my ‘doing, I was choosing to live with his abuse, his lies, his deceit, his manipulations.
What I wasn’t doing was making the difference between living with abuse — or not. I wasn’t looking at me as the root of my own sickness. I was looking at him continually — looking for my answers in what he was doing, saying, being — and not checking myself out against what I was doing, saying, being by remaining in his duplicitous embrace. I continually denied what I knew to be true — he was lying. I continually told myself, ‘it can’t be true that he is lying’ and instead reminded myself, ‘It must be true. He loves me. He wouldn’t lie to me.”
The lie in that statement was — I positioned the pain of my existence in the context of his loving me.
The truth is, from hello to good-bye, I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly — everything was predicated on the lie of what he was doing, saying and being. In my denial of the truth, I bought into his lies and gave up on me.
I never asked myself the tough questions, What do I feel about what he’s doing? How does it affect me? What can I do to change my situation? What if I give myself permission to leave without hearing his voice telling me I can’t? What if I quit calling his abuse love? What if I quit taking responsibility for his bad behaviour and instead, take responsibility for my own?
If by chance, I did happen to ask myself one of those tough questions, I always completed my answer with — I can’t leave him… and then I recited the litany of reasons he’d told me why I could never leave. In the process, I became very, very emotionally sick. In my ill-health, I never gave myself the cure I needed to rid myself of the disease causing my illness — I never left him because I kept my focus on trying to figure out him — not trying to figure out a way to heal myself.
For me, focusing on his behaviours, trying to figure out why he was doing what he was doing, continually looking for meaning in everything he said, and keeping the light fixed on him, kept me stuck in confusion. It kept me from shining the light on my own behaviour. My constant angst around his bad behaviour protected me from having to face my bad decision-making, poor judgement in character — and ultimately, face myself, with tender loving care.
I feel for both my friends yesterday. Theirs is not an easy road. Both will have to decide to either do what is best and caring of them — or not. Both will have to give themselves medicine — or not. Both will have to turn up for themselves and let the other person go — or not.
Turning up for me has been a constant journey into self-love. It has been a continuous quest for finding my truth within me — and letting go of looking for my answers out there. Whatever answers I find in someone else will always be best for them. Just as whatever answers someone else finds within me, will always be first and foremost best for me.
In healthy self-care, the person I keep healthiest must be myself. I cannot properly care for my daughters without first taking care of me. If I always jump to their aid, continually do for them and not do for myself, I will drain myself of energy, of passion, of commitment. For in my desire to do for them always, I let go of my responsibility to do for me so that I am strong enough, courageous enough, healthy enough to do for them what is loving, supportive and caring.
Once upon a time, I gave up on me and gave into a man who told me he had all my answers. He was my shortcut to happiness. Lost on that road to hell, I found myself again beneath the debris of his tumultuous passing through my life.
In healing, I have awakened to the truth within me — I am 100% responsible for my journey. I am 100% responsible for living in the light of love, for turning up for me and living this one wild and precious life as if it is the only life I’ve got — it is. It is my responsibility to live it up.
The question is: Where do you let go of responsibility for your one wild and precious life looking for someone else to turn the light on?
tryingtorecover,
I know what you mean about not being able to cry and everything rotting inside. Sometimes I feel that way too. I want to cry, I know I need to cry, I’d feel a lot better if I could, but I can’t.
And then at times I have the overwhelming urge to cry. When I do, I often try to push the feeling away. Either I’m talking to someone else–which is when it usually happens–and I don’t want to cry in front of them, or my grief is so painful it’s scary. It’s almost as if I’m on a wave so vast and powerful it threatens to pull me away forever.
This happened to me yesterday. Ever since talking to my 32 year old son last weekend, I’ve been experiencing–and fighting–that feeling of grief. When I talked to my son it struck me so clearly how painful this must all be for him. Even though he’s a self-sufficient, highly accomplished person who keeps his feelings to himself, he loved this man too. He thought of him as a father.
So all day yesterday I was on the verge of tears. In the afternoon my pain was so profound I had to share it with someone else. And the horrible, ironic thing of it all is that I had the urge to share it with my socio husband! He was always the one I felt safe sharing my deepest feelings with. He was always the one I thought cared the most. So, automatically, I thought of him, which of course only made my grief worse. He doesn’t care. He can’t fix things. He’s a fraud. It’s all a manipulation. I felt so utterly bereft. I ended up calling a dear friend who lives across the country. Thank God for friends like that. She is really an angel.
This is so much worse than death, because at least in death you have good memories to cherish. You can still cling to that feeling of being loved. With this, you don’t even have that. Every memory is corrupt. The feeling of being so loved is so brutally yanked away.
gillian,
You say it so well. I have or have had all of those feelings.
There were so many times in the beginning of this that I just wanted him to hold me and make it go away and that I wanted to talk my problems through with him. He was my best friend, but it was all false. He was the cause of the pain and he was enjoying it. I don’t have a conscious urge to talk to him anymore, but there is a hole I haven’t been able to fill yet.
So many times I’ve thought how much easier it would be if he had died. I could believe the good memories. I could know I was loved. I could believe someday I might be loved again. I could feel that 18 1/2 yrs meant something to both of us. He said to me at one point that he wanted to be civil after this was over for (our son) and just because we spent time together. His voice was so cold. Just because we spent time together. I’m still speechless.
How long has it been for you? Valentine’s day will be a year since he told me he was “not happy with me”. He moved out in March and I got back to my home state, where I finally felt relatively safe, in May.
tryingtorecover,
Wow, our stories ARE so similar. My husband and I were together almost 18 years. He moved out the 27th of June. One more day and it would have been 18 years to the day. He had originally planned to move out a month prior, as soon as his parents left after a visit. He hadn’t seen them in five years and wanted to maintain the facade for them.
Two days before they left, though, I came across the last puzzle piece. I finally figured everything out (at least regarding him and the woman he was planning on leaving me for; since then I’ve discovered soooooo much more). Day before his parents left, I confronted him, told him I saw the big picture, that I knew he was planning to leave me as soon as his parents left. That really messed up his plans. Especially since he was going to manufacture some bogus reason for leaving. Like wanting to be alone or some such bullshit so I wouldn’t know the real reason he was abandoning me and our daughter.
I am glad I found out the truth. I think. You know, now that I consider it more, I’m not so sure. I am glad he wasn’t able to completely dupe me though. If he had just up and left without warning, I honestly don’t know if I would have survived. OMG, it was so much to absorb as it was. Once I started on my journey of discovery, I just had to know the truth. All of it. I was relentless, I wouldn’t give up. I thought I’d rather know the truth than to go to my grave having been completely deceived.
But it sure has been painful. The fairy tale felt a lot better. Too bad it wasn’t real.
gillian,
My ex left after my mom came for a visit. He was waiting for her to get there as part of his cover up. When he told me he wanted to try some time apart, he suggested that I go stay with my mom for awhile. I refused. I found out later he had been telling people for months I was homesick and he thought when my mom came for a visit I would take our son and go back home with her.
I’m so glad I found out the truth because if I didn’t I would have no chance for recovery. Now I have the opportunity to live without abuse for the first time in my life and live the truth. No more secrets. No more protecting him.
I just had to comment on one woman’s question, posted here. “Should I warn his next victim?” I did and hopefully she picked up on the items that I mailed to her anonymously. I went back to the ex’s home to pick up a few things after our divorce. On the kitchen counter was one of his bank statements and written on top was her name, name of her bank and a her account number. I took the statement, made a copy as well as a copy of “20 characteristics of a Sociopath” off of the internet and mailed them to her. A few days later he called me outraged and told me he knew what I did. He does not like being exposed. I pretended that I didn’t know what he was talking about and hung up.
I would never give a man money to begin with; however, while I was married to the Sociopath for 15 months, he liked that I made my own money and was very greedy with his, almost to the point of obsession. It was always about money, money, money with him. I later realized after catching him cheating after 2 months of marriage, that he married me for my “wifey, home body disposition”.
We were in counseling after 6 months, and after 9 months of marriage, our counselor told me that I was married to a Sociopath and to start recording conversations to protect myself, because he was trying to set me up. She told me to start making plans to leave, because someone like him cannot be rehabilitated. Basically, she was telling me that I was “screwed”.
Since I have been divorced since October 07, I am now broke (spending money on lawyers, etc) to defend myself. He called the police 3 times during our marriage which led to my arrest. I left the home after he became drunk and started with verbal abuse. After I snuck out of the house and left, he put scratch marks on his face, told the police I was drunk and on pills after about an hour since I left the home. I turned my cell phone off for the night, knowing he would call me continuously. The next day I retrieved a message from the Sheriff from the night before, telling me I needed to come back to the home or there would be a warrant for my arrest. I contacted the officer (female) and she told me to meet her at the house. I did and was arrested on the spot for domestic violence. My daughter, who was living with us at the time, but not at home during the previous night’s episode, posted by bond. I called our home from jail to let her know that I needed a ride and waited until my release. I made this call to the house while the ex was at work, maybe around 2pm. I am about to be released a few hours later and I get re-arrested for trying to contact my ex. Seems he came home, looked at the caller ID, called the police again and told them I was trying to contact him. I told the re-arresting officer that I called my daugher who was living with us and that my ex was over 25 miles away at work. What I told them did not make a difference. My bond was revoked and spent the next 13 days in jail while my public defender worked on getting me out.
Long story short….I am now broke, on probation in a County I have lived in for 30 years (him, 6 years). The charges on me were dropped twice by the DA’s office, but still had to go through classes with DUI offenders because he wrote in a report that I was drunk, which I was not. I still am ordered to take Anger Management class for $300 and pay probation over $800. My business has suffered due to market conditions, but I cannot get a regular job because my background checks come up negative and I now have a ‘rap’ sheet. I live with a friend of over 20 years and cannot even help with household expenses. My car got re-possessed, but luckily share one with my daughter. I cannot believe that I am going through this at almost 50 years old! This has been the most degrading, embarassing experience of my life.
I have watched while this man gets away with everything. I even got a temp. restraining order, which he violated the night before our court date. We went to court and he brought a lawyer and the judge dismissed the order and he was never arrested. Go figure! He is a known alcoholic and the premise report shows 52 calls to our home during our marriage. He was through rehab and on many medications for bi-polar, depression, etc. All the calls to the home were made by him while drinking. All of this within a 15 month period of time.
I read in one of your blogs, how Sociopaths will use the judicial system to torture their victims. This is what happened to me and it seems there is no recourse.
Dear Cheryl,
OMG, I am soooo very sorry that you have been put through this terrible wringer, bashed and beaten! If I were there now I would put my arms around you. You are such a strong woman to have even SURVIVED such trauma.
My heart goes out to you, Cheryl that you would be so punished by the legal system. It sounds like a terrible nightmare just hearing about it, I can’t even imagine sitting in jail falsely accused by the psychopath.
The upside of all this, though, is that I can HEAR YOUR STRENGTH in your post. My wish for your X is that the fleas of 1000 camels inhabit his groin! My prayers are with you, Cheryl, even though you had to endure all this, at least you are AWAY FROM HIM now, not forced to live under the same roof with such TRASH. God bless you.
ML::: *applause*
ML,
It occurred to me as I read this that we spend so much tine, after the fact, deliberating and blaming and beating ourselves up and remembering the hurt and hanging on to the good that will never be again. I was in an almost two year relationship with this man and have now spent over a year just trying to recover and remembering and obsessing……. I kept thinking today will it take me longer to recover than it did to even attempt a relationship with him???? How bizarre is that?
Why don’t we spend more time trying to remember WHAT THEY ARE NOT?…… Where they would have failed us anyway?……. We are too conscientious sometimes, trying to make them see us for what we really are and trying to make them love us like they said they did in the beginning….. what a waste. They didn’t care then and they don’t care now. We have wasted our own time and for that we need to be responsible.
We need to take responsibility NOT BLAME. And take the responsibility for our future, not so much the past. We need to have a good guideline of what we are looking for and not deviate too far from that. At first sign of someone invading and forcing those boundaries….we rethink with GREAT caution and cut our losses earlier. NO MORE.
ML, Your message is strong. Thank you!!
I am now turning up for myself. I used to find posts like these incredibly difficult to read because I always read victim blame into them – now I see that I was not to blame for the abuse but I should have stayed strong in my morals and cut him loose a lot sooner when it became apparent to me he had a continual pattern of abusing me.
I now take my needs seriously and recognise there are many ways a man can abuse and harm a woman. When I was with him, my simple yardstick for walking was if he ever hit me. I knew if he ever hit my face I would walk – in fact I begged him to hit me on numerous occasions as have other posters so I would have a ‘reason to leave’ him. I should have honored my instincts that I was being harmed in other ways and walked much sooner than I did. I should have stopped believing his lies earlier, should have stopped looking through rose tinted glasses and should have kicked his ass to the curb where he belonged much sooner than I did. However I am not beating myself up in realising these things. I used to do that – I was the Queen of self beating back then.
It is just a recognition for the future that if someone deliberately makes me confused or evokes any sense of anxiety, fear or discomfort then they will be gone so fast from my life you will see NASA printed on their ass as they fly by. I am worthy of being loved and being treated lovingly. I now only have room in my life for good people – all the messed up ones can go get off their backsides and pay for therapy or do as I did and engage in deep reflection and research into issues from the past and how to heal them. Pity isn’t a reason to stay with someone or a reason to pour out all your love on people who don’t deserve it.
He came through my life like a train wreck and very nearly ended it. I could stop in just blaming him, but the situation with him arose because I looked for a shortcut to bliss rather than developing it for myself. I can’t live my happiness through somebody else nor can I depend on someone else to fill my heart and make me sing – only I can do those things. I turn up for myself now because I am worth it.
Many thanks ML – I love your perspective and deep introspection and understandings you share with us here.
Dear Polly,
I am so glad you are here and glad you are going back and reading all the wonderful archived posts here at LF. I’m also glad that you are “getting it”—it is not your fault (BTW, I was the queen of self blame, so you can be the princess LOL)
I can tell by your posts that you are making wonderful progress in your recovery, just keep on trucking on that road to healing! It is a journey, never ends, but the going becomes very peaceful, joyous and happy when we get past that rough road that they bombed holes in for us! (((hugs))))