Healing from an emotional trauma or extended traumatic experience is a like a long, intimate dance with reality. Or perhaps a three-act ballet. We are on the stage of our own minds, surrounded by the props of our lives, dancing to the music of our emotions. Our memories flash on the backdrop or float around like ribbons in the air. Down below the stage, in the orchestra pit, a chorus puts words to the feelings and gives us advice drawn from our parents’ rules, our church’s rules, all the rules from the movies and books and conversations that have ever colored our thinking.
And our job is to dance our way through the acts.
The first act is named “Magic Thinking.” We stumble onto the stage, stunned, confused and in pain. Our first dance is denial — the “it doesn’t matter” dance. Our second dance is bargaining — the “maybe I can persuade whoever is in power to fix this” dance. The third and last dance before the intermission is anger.
This article is about anger.
The emotional spine
Everyone here who has gone through the angry phase knows how complex it is. We are indignant, bitter, sarcastic, outraged, waving our fiery swords of blame. We are also — finally — articulate, funny, re-asserting power over our lives. We are hell on wheels, demanding justice or retribution. We are also in transition between bargaining and letting go, so all this is tinged with hope on one side and grief on the other.
Anger really deserves a book, rather than a brief article. It is the end of the first act of our healing, because it really changes everything — our way of seeing, our thinking, our judgments, the way we move forward. Like the element of fire, it can be clarifying, but it can also be destructive. To complicate the situation further, many (if not all of us) tended to repress our anger before we entered this healing process.
So it may be helpful to discuss what anger is, where it comes from. What we call anger is part of a spectrum of reactions that originates in the oldest part of our brain. The brain stem, sometimes called the lizard brain, oversees automatic survival mechanisms like breathing, heartbeat, hunger, sleep and reproduction. It also generates powerful emotional messages related to survival.
These messages travel through increasingly sophisticated layers of our emotional and intellectual processing. One of those layers, the limbic system or mammal brain, is where we keep memories of good and bad events, and work out how to maximize pleasure and avoid pain (often through addictive strategies). The messages pass through this layer on the way to our cerebral cortex.
There in the thinking layer, we name things and organize them. We maintain concepts of community and identity (right and left brain), and we manipulate them continually to run our lives as thinking, self-aware beings. Beyond the thinking brain is the even more advanced area of the frontal cortex, which maintains our awareness of the future, interconnectivity (holistic thinking), and the “high level” views that further moderate our primitive responses into philosophic and spiritual meanings.
What our thinking brains name “anger” is actually a sensation of physical and emotional changes caused by the brain stem in reaction to perceived danger. The spectrum of those danger-related sensations roughly includes alertness, fear and anger. While our higher brain may see a purpose in separating fear and anger into different categories, our lizard brain doesn’t make those distinctions. It just keeps altering our hormones and brain chemicals for all kinds of situations, depending on its analysis of what we need to do to survive.
The point of this long digression is this: alertness-fear-anger responses are a normal part of our ability to survive. They travel “up” into our higher processing as the strong spine of our survival mechanism. There is nothing wrong with feeling them. In fact, paying attention to them is better for us in every way than ignoring our feelings (denial) or trying to delude ourselves about what is happening (bargaining).
The many forms of anger
One of the most interesting things about the English language is its many verb forms, which express various conditions of timeliness and intent. I can. I could. I could have. I would have. I might have. I should have. I will. I might. I was going to.
Those same factors of timeliness and intent can be found in the many facets of anger. Bitterness and resentment are simmering forms of anger related to past and unhealed hurts. Likewise sarcasm and passive-aggressive communications are expressions of old disappointment or despair. Frustration is a low-level form of anger, judging a circumstance or result as unsatisfactory. Contempt and disgust are more pointed feelings associated with negative judgments.
When anger turns into action, we have explosive violence, plans for future revenge and sabotage. When anger is turned on ourselves, we have depression and addictions. The judgments associated with anger foster black-and-white thinking, which can be the basis for bias and all kinds of “ism’s,” especially if the anger is old, blocked for some reason, and thus diffuse or not directed primarily at its source. This typically happens when we feel disempowered to defend ourselves.
All of that sounds pretty terrible and toxic. But, in fact, the most toxic forms of anger are the ones in which the anger is not allowed to surface. The lizard brain does not stop trying to protect us until we deal with the threat, and so we live with the brain chemicals and hormones of anger until we do.
Anger can also be healthy. The anger of Jesus toward the money changers in the temple is a model of righteous anger. In response to trauma, righteous anger is a crucial part of the healing process. Anger has these characteristics:
• Directed at the source of the problem
• Narrowly focused and dominating our thinking
• Primed for action
• Intensely aware of personal resources (internal and environmental)
• Willing to accept minor losses or injuries to win
Anger is about taking care of business. At its most primitive level, anger is what enables us to defend our lives, to kill what would kill us. In modern times, it enables us to meet aggression with aggression in order to defend ourselves or our turf. We expect to feel pain in these battles, but we are fighting to win.
However, anger also has its exhilaration, a sense of being in a moment where we claim our own destiny. For those of us who have been living through the relatively passive and self-defeating agony of denial and bargaining, anger can feel wonderful.
As it should, because anger is the expression of our deepest self, rejecting this new reality. We are finally in speaking-up mode. We are finally taking in our situation and saying, “No! I don’t want this. I don’t like it. I don’t like you for creating this in my life. I don’t like how it feels. I don’t like what I’m getting out of it. And if it doesn’t stop this instant, I want you out of my life.”
Getting over our resistance to anger
Of course, we don’t exactly say that when we’re inside the relationship. In fact, we don’t exactly think it, even when we’re out of the relationship. And why is that? Because — and this only my theory, but it seems to be born out here on LoveFraud — people who get involved with sociopaths are prone to suppress their anger, because they are afraid of it, ashamed of it, or confused about its meaning.
When faced with a painful situation, they suppress their inclination to judge the situation in terms of the pain they’re experiencing, and instead try to understand. They try to understand the other person. They try to understand the circumstances. They try to interpret their own pain through all kinds of intellectual games to make it something other than pain. To an extent, this could be described as the bargaining phase. But for most of us, this is a bargaining phase turned into a life strategy. It’s an unfinished response to a much earlier trauma that we have taken on as a way of life.
Which is very good for the sociopath, who can use it to gaslight us while s/he pursues private objectives of looting our lives for whatever seems useful or entertaining. Until we have nervous breakdowns or die, or wake up.
We can all look at the amount of time it took us to wake up, or the difficulty we’re having waking up, at evidence of how entrenched we’ve been in our avoidance of our own anger. It retrospect, it is an interesting thing to review. Why didn’t we kick them out of our lives the first time they lied or didn’t show up? Why didn’t we throw their computer out of the window when we discovered their profiles on dating sites? Why didn’t we cut off their money when we discovered they were conning us? Why didn’t we spit in their eye when they insulted us? Why didn’t we burn their clothes on the driveway the first time they were unfaithful?
Because we were too nice to do that? Well, anger is the end of being nice. It may be slow to emerge. We may have to put all the pieces together in our heads, until we decide that yes, maybe we do have the right to be angry. Yes, they were bad people. No, we didn’t deserve it. And finally, we are mad. At them.
Anger in our healing process
Anger is the last phase of magical thinking. We are very close to a realistic appraisal of reality. The only thing “magical” about it is this: no amount of outrage or force we can exert on the situation can change it. The sociopath is not going to change. We cannot change the past, or the present we are left with.
But anger has its own gifts. First and foremost is that we identify the external cause of our distress. We place our attention where it belongs at this moment — on the bad thing that happened to us and the bad person who caused it.
Second, we reconnect with our own feelings and take them seriously. This is the beginning of repairing our relationships with ourselves, which have often become warped and shriveled with self-hatred and self-distrust when we acted against our own interests in our sociopathic relationships.
Third, anger is a clarifying emotion. It gives us a laser-like incisiveness. It may not seem so when we are still struggling with disbelief or self-questioning or resentment accumulated through the course of the relationship. But once we allow ourselves to experience our outrage and develop our loathing for the behavior of the sociopath, we can dump the burden of being understanding. We can feel the full blazing awareness that runs through all the layers of brain, from survival level through our feelings through our intellect and through our eyes as we look at that contemptible excuse for a human being surrounded by the wreckage s/he creates. Finally our brains are clear.
And last, but at least as important as the rest, is the rebirth of awareness of personal power that anger brings. Anger is about power. Power to see, to decide, to change things. We straighten up again from the long cringe, and in the action-ready brain chemicals of anger, we surprise ourselves with the force of our ability and willingness to defend ourselves. We may also surprise ourselves with the violent fantasies of retribution and revenge we discover in ourselves. (Homicidal thoughts, according to my therapist, are fine as long as we don’t act on them.)
It is no wonder that, for many of us, the angry phase is when we learn to laugh again. Our laughter may be bitter when it is about them. But it can be joyous about ourselves, because we are re-emerging as powerful people.
The main thing we do with this new energy is blaming. Though our friends and family probably will not enjoy this phase (because once we start blaming, it usually doesn’t stop at the sociopath), this is very, very important. Because in blaming, we also name what we lost. When we say “you did this to me,” we are also saying, “Because of you, I lost this.”
Understanding what has changed — what we lost — finally releases us from magical thinking and brings us face to face with reality. For many of us this is an entirely new position in our personal relationships. In the next article, we’ll discuss how anger plays out in our lives.
Until then, I hope you honor your righteous anger, casting blame wherever its due. And take a moment to thank your lizard brain for being such a good friend to you.
Namaste. The healing warrior in me salutes the healing warrior in you.
Kathy
Chic, I think actually it was as painful to acknowledge that my BF was a P than it was to lose my husband. I at least know my husband didn’t WANT to hurt me ever, even by dying! He never made me feel bad about myself, or put me down. He never made me feel like a worthless piece of chit. This guy did!
Nah, if I ever do get a chance at another GOOD relationship I will cautiously go for it, but no BAD APPLES or BAD ACTORS or people who are USERS. The next guy will have to earn my trust just like my late husband did, through thick and thin.
Oxy: Interesting. The way you explain it makes so much sense (as usual)! I’ve never had anyone with me through thick and thin. I’ve learned a lot from you.
Oxy.. “Right now, I can go to Little Rock to the Union REscue mission for homeless drunks and psychos and pick me out a man and marry him by morning, bring him home and call him my “very own.” “…..
YOUR COMMENTS JUST KEEP GETTING BETTER AND BETTER WITH EACH BLOG POST! I KEEP CHECKING IN BECAUSE FAMILY VISITING THIS WEEKEND…AND I SEE OXY HELPING, SHARING, HEALING, ETC… WE ARE ALL SO BLESSED TO HAVE FOUND LF AND ALL OF ITS WONDERFUL BLOGGERS…ESP. YOU OXY. IF YOU WONT AGREE TO BE THE LF SAINT….THEN SURELY YOU CAN BE THE LF ANGEL!!! YOURE AN INSPIRATION LADY!!! YOU CAN RELATE TO SO MANY OF US… YOU MIGHT NOT THINK THATS A GOOD THING…LOL… BE WE ARE GRATEFUL THAT YOU DO!!!
INDEPENDENCE IS KEY, KEY, KEY!!!!! THANKS
To those who are feeling sad because it’s Sunday night, congratulations! You are spending Sunday night with people who care about you and validate your feelings. What better way to spend a Sunday night? This is actually a positive thing. May it be a trend to always spend Sunday night and Monday and Tuesday, etc. in the company of people who contribute to your well being! I made a decision long ago that internet friends are real friends. The nice thing about that decision is that I can go online with my “friends” and feel like I’m having a night out with my friends. Doesn’t feel like my social life is lacking in the least!
For what it’s worth to those learning to establish boundaries, I went through a huge learning curve about boundaries thanks to the S. I realized after I walked away from him that there were some random others in my life who were not treating me the way I wanted to be treated. One was a massage client who had been coming to my house for massages every week for almost a year. I put up with her entitlement and narcissism because I needed the money. But after the S experience, I realized I was better off without this negativity. I stood up to her for the final time, and when she behaved disrespectfully again, I ended the relationship. I cannot tell you how good it felt to stand up to her. In my life, it has often been a lot of little things like this adding up–a person here, a person there that I need to stand up to. I will tell you that since that massage client has left, 3 more have filled her spot. I’m starting to have more clients than I can handle on the weekends. And one of them was an insurance client referred by a chiropractor, so I could bill a very nice fee for it. And I have more energy for these new clients because I’m not battling the negativity of the former client. I just wanted to share this story. Sounds like people here are also starting to set boundaries with others too. TOWANDA!
I have to get up early for jury duty tomorrow and then my HOA meeting in the pm. I have garnered 3 other homeowners to go with me to confront the evil HOA. Strength in numbers. I’m not looking forward to my long busy week. But my life is very slowly improving. I’m starting to think about some changes I would like to make in my life. It’s all very subtle but I do see some change happening.
Thanks to you, my wonderful LF family who cares about my progress and has helped every step of the way.
for those of us with no marital ties to these S/P’s…
Independence and Nonchalantness = The best revenge
Stargazer – Just wait for the LF party.. Oxy’s hopefully gonna hit every city from L.A. to Quebec on Fat and Hairy!! In the meantime, I agree with you about the LF “friends/family” group! I have never “posted” anything on any site, I wasnt sure what to expect…but boy did I land in an amazing comforting and healing place…
Good for you with establishing more and more boundaries. I notice myself doing the same thing. Even just today with my sister… and it felt great.. AND she even commented afterward how I handled the situation!
Best of luck with your HOA meeting. Hope youre not selected for Jury Duty on any case! LOL
And lastly, for most of my life I have never liked change! For the first time I am realizing change isnt only a necessity in life, it often is for the better!!! Go figure, Im a TAURUS…stubborn as Oxy’s oldest mule!!!
Have a good night!
Well, learnthelesson, If I do get selected for a jury, maybe it will a case of some guy who cheated on his wife with 3 other women, them exploited them all for money, while trying to defraud the army out of a lifetime pension. It will be all of our sociopaths rolled into one! I woould so look forward to making sure they lock him up and throw away the key.
Star – Please be sure to post his physical description here! Just in case they need more witnesses… ya never know with these monsters where they just might end up – as in a defendent in a case clear across the country!!!!
Dear Learnedthelesson,
ROTFLMAO Sweetie, I am a lot of things, but no one has ever called ME a saint! LOL ROTFLMAO I am sure my husband is somewhere laughing his head off too at that one!!!! Whew, I about choked on that one! Saint! LOL
Aloha telling me I had diplomacy the other day was a good one too. My husband used to tell me I had TACT=the ability to tell someone to go to hell and make them happy to be on their way. LOL
It’s funny, though, I used to teach a class periodically for the University of Texas at Arrllington TX for their nursing group called “dealing with difficult families and families in difficulty” and I could do a really good class on how people who have family members who are sick, dying, or injured can be very difficult to deal with and how to work with them and make them trust you and know that you will take care of their loved one without them attacking you. It really did work and by using this I have turned hospital units and nursing facilities and rehabilitation facilities around. But you know, I never was able to apply those same things in MY own life, because instead of looking at things locically, I WOULD GET TRIGGERED AND ACT EMOTIONALLY instead of logically, just like those “difficult” families did.
The old saying about “them that can, DO, and them that can’t, TEACH” so unfortunately I was a much better teacher than I was a DO-ER. I am trying to reverse that and become a DO-ER not only a teacher.
It is fairly “easy” for me to SEE what you are going through, and even have some advice, but to SEE (logically) my OWN problems is MUCH MORE DIFFICULT. Thanks to the loving grace of God, much prayer, and much soul searching and study, and the support I get here, I AM STARTING TO GET A LITTLE ACCOMPLISHED.
I still don’t have the patience I think I need, and I am working on that too.
Each week I come across some “ah ha” thing about myself that I want to work on so that is my “task of the week” to think about that and work toward making that one little aspect (or one BIG aspect sometimes) better. BEing stronger in some area or other each week. Of course there are 52 weeks in a year and I have 50,000 things I need to work on, but “baby steps” and just STAYING on the road to healing and not getting arrogant and thinking “I HAVE ARRIVED” (As I have in the past) is making the whole journey much much better and more healing this time.
IN the past I have “recovered” from the INITIAL ACUTE grief over a betrayal, but never stayed on the road to healing long enough to see the part I PLAYED in my own victimization. How I ALLOWED it to continue on, withh the same abuser, or another one. This time I am determined to STAY on the road to healing, learn the RED FLAGS that signal a predator and live life the way it SHOULD be lived. IN peace and joy!
Hi my friends,
Yes Oxy needs to cover a large swath, from Texas to Quebec (where I am) in her training program for skillet use and NC strategies…
– I’ve come to realize the emotional wasteland of an S, and how I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to accept his love – which wasn’t love
– We have re-constituted our childgood to try to heal the emtional trauma, that of neglect
– I really hope to forget he really exists, and not give him the opportunity to even think he knows me
– The abusive people of this country are very sneaky, and have refined their techniques to stay under the radar screen
– S’s pretend to have empathy and have none
– They learn the physical and emotional responses but cannot fully grasp anything but rage, anger and frustration
– They are dazzling with images of false hopes and dreams
– with them, one can easily mistake intensity for intimacy
– Nonchalant behavior and unresponsiveness is the best revenge
– Yhey are bad with impulse control, empathy, truthfulness and integrity