On May 21, 2003 I was given the miracle of my life. The sociopath who had terrorized my existence for almost five years was arrested and I was set free from the web of his deceit.
Almost imperceptibly, healing began. Without his sinister presence, the FOG of his lies began to lift. Even though I was scared, and beaten down, I began to think and feel and take action for myself, not based on what he had told me was best or good for me, but based on what was best and healing and supportive of me. Without his insidious words stealing my peace of mind with every breath, I began to unravel the web of his deceit and find myself again. I began to make choices that loved me. Choices based on my thinking clearly about what I needed, not on the design of his constant weaving of lies and deceit.
One of the choices I made very early on in my recovery was to eliminate the possessive when thinking, writing or speaking of him. He was not, ”˜my’ P or S or N or even jerk. He was, ”˜the’ P or S or N or whatever I chose to call him, my favourite being, The Lie. That simple step of disconnecting from ”˜owning’ him in my language had a powerful impact. I no longer thought of him as ”˜mine’. He was depersonalized.
The choices we make in how we speak, think, write, or simply refer to the abuser have a powerful impact on how we stay connected in our minds to his abuse. In making him a noun, ”˜the P’ for example, I let go of my attachment to him. What ”˜the P’ did was not about me. It had everything to do with him. I could have called him, ”˜the sink’, ”˜the drain’, ”˜the toilet’ — it didn’t matter. As long as I didn’t call him, ‘my sink’ I wasn’t connected to what I called him. My connection was with me. I took ownership for what I did, thought, felt, said and let go of attaching myself to his name whenever I refered to him.
In erasing the possessive term from my language I was giving my psyche, and the world, a very clear message: I do not own him. He does not own me.
And that’s where the power of depersonalizing and dispossessing them of their connection to us plays out. For so long, when in that relationship, I believed he owned me. I believed he was omnipotent. I believed he knew everything I did, thought, felt, said. He knew whom I spoke to. He knew where I went. Even when he wasn’t beside me, he knew what I was thinking, doing, being. And he went to great lengths to convince me that was true.
It wasn’t.
But, as we all know, ‘truth’ doesn’t matter when we are in those relationships — it’s what he/she can get us to believe that makes the difference. What he told me was true is what counted. And, he told me he knew everything about me. He told me he had me followed. Pictures taken of me while I was unaware. He told me my phones were tapped. My house bugged. He told. I believed. In my belief he ”˜knew’, I relinquished my personal power and attached myself to the lie, he was all-powerful. He was omnipotent.
The tactics he used to convince me of his power and control are, sadly, all too common. We’ve all experienced them. We’ve all experienced the fear and confusion, the sense of utter helplessness, the overwhelming ennui that descends upon us as they manipulate and weave their web into our minds, our bodies, our spirits.
Unraveling their web, being committed to No Contact wherever possible and feasible, are two very important components of the healing path. Cutting the ties that bind in our language is also very important.
To cut the ties means to let go of the need to use the possessive. It means to claim our right to be the centre of our attention, without fear that they will overshadow our truth. It means letting go of our need to stay attached, by speaking of them as if they are ours, and embracing our freedom to make choices that with each day disconnect us from them, more and more.
We were possessed. It doesn’t mean we have to possess the evil one that possessed us.
It means, claiming our place under the sun. Bright. Shiny. Brilliant.
Dear Louise,
Another wonderful post and food for thought. Titles and possive adjatives are definitely important. I had actually done that somewhat by no longer calling the woman who gave birth to me and raised “my mother” but “my EGG-DONOR” as the “title” of “mother” I think is EARNED not bestowed by giving birth. The same with my “sperm donor” who was not my “father”—that term was bestowed on my “daddy” my beloved and wonderful step-father who adopted me.
I do use the term “MY P-son” but mostly here on LF as an explination of the relationship to that particular psychopath in my life.
My other sons (the wonderful ones) refer to my egg donor by her first name, not “grandma” as they used to do. She has lost the respect of the title “grandma” by the way she has treated them. They refer to my late sperm donor also by his first name. They refer to my late step-father as “granddaddy” because HE EARNED THAT TITLE OF RESPECT AND LOVE by how he treated them.
They refer to the P-son as “my X-brother” or his first name.
I never really thought about how our verbal references to these psychopaths or their enabling dupes had changed, it just sort of came “naturally” somewhere down the line. It really does free up your emotions toward them as well, distances them from YOU.
Thanks for this article, Louise. Right on target, as always! (((hugs))) and God bless you for the wonderful example you set for us!
Loise….I totally agree. That is why on LF I have always written about “the P I was involved with” rather than “my P”. I don’t know when I did my first posts, it would be interesting to see if I did it from the start. But at any rate, for a long time now, I have not been able to write “my P”. It made me feel sick.
Good clarification of why!
I used to write “my ex-p” and i didn’t notice until you pointed it out! This is an excellent article Louise. Never a truer word was spoken! I feel physically dirty every time I have to “deal” with a P, (like I did all day today). I look forward to the day when there are NO MORE in my life!
I know that I write my xP. I think it is because I’m still in a stage of being initiated into my new life and my new way of thinking.
I’m still very close to the aftermath of the crisis. The crisis is “my crisis” and therefore the P that sent me into crisis is still “my exP”.
I hate being in this stage, but it’s better than the stage I was at before, so I’m grateful too.
I had forgotten, but your post reminded me of the time, when I was 20 years old when the P told me that he had me bugged. He pulled out a bunch of wires and microphones out of the headrest of my car, just to prove to me that he would always be able to track me.
Are you serious he had your vehicle bugged, they can be very dangerous, this one trying to make it as if I am the bad person just after to get him, he is the devil, I am like stay away from him. I do not make no contact with him, nor do I call him because he will only make up lies after lies. I thought it was for the best, he has never spoken about the well being of the child, just that he has love to give him but I cannot tell by his actions. It just like what are you up to everytime he is near me or even at the court, I get very sick!
Hi Louise – a GREAT post. I have been writing here for a few weeks and ALWAYS refer to him as “my” SP!!! I never realized what a huge meaning that had attached to it. I SO want to do everything in my power to detach myself from him. I DO keep asking the same questions – making the steps forward and backward. Questioning the reality of all of this. But anything in my power that I can do to make this hurt end sooner is worth every moment of my time. “THE” SP will never have the opportunity to hurt me again. Thank you so much for another great point of view!
http://www.wanttoknow.info/inspiration/break_the_addiction_blame
great link Easy.
It mostly talks about “normal” people not about P’s. But I can see how you could apply the committment to taking responsiblity to healing from a P.
I too, depersonalized him. “the” but never “mine.” I also always used lower case when writing about him…he doesn’t deserve capitalization. To this day, I don’t utter his name- he’s become a few pronouns…mostly words I probably shouldn’t use here. 🙂
I havn’t used their actual names since the day i went no contact. I have use the “psychopath dentist” or “psychopath solicitor” or whatever their job was. However it was only this post that got me to drop the “my” before it.
Each day after court I had to wash off their toxic fumes. And even though i lost, i won.